Is it better to stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of your children?

[Anglewannabe]

Angie posted re a friend who was sorry her parents didn’t divorce. How could she know what she preferred? She was raised by a mother and a father and will never know what it would have been like had they divorced. Being knocked around in two different homes, and worse.

I don’t know about you, but I believe my friend when she told me living in a stressful household was bad. And her parents eventually DID divorce so her parents obviously did NOT do all they could to get each other to heaven.

A lot of people here have suggested that the OP try to save her marriage for the sake of the MARRIAGE, not the sake of the son. And I agree with that. However, it also appears saving the marriage is the farthest thing from the husband’s mind. The OP can not do all the work alone.

 

[truetofaith]

It’s hard to believe the OP & her husband have no love at all for each other. They have an infant son, who must bring some joy & love into their lives .
She didn’t say either one of them are cheating on each other.

So, as one poster said… go for some council from your parish priest. There must be some love which can be rekindled since you got married & had a child.

 

[GreyWings]

I don’t know about you, but I believe my friend when she told me living in a stressful household was bad. And her parents eventually DID divorce so her parents obviously did NOT do all they could to get each other to heaven.

A lot of people here have suggested that the OP try to save her marriage for the sake of the MARRIAGE, not the sake of the son. And I agree with that. However, it also appears saving the marriage is the farthest thing from the husband’s mind. The OP can not do all the work alone.

Thank you. You get it. This is why I am so concerned and advise for a plan, just in case.

When my ex left, I pleaded with him. I tried everything I could. He wasn’t coming home at night. But then I found his notes. He was planning an exit plan all along. I was so lost. It takes two to want to be in a marriage, with eyes on Him…

 

[Anglewannabe]

GreyWings,

There’s so much incorrect thinking in your post that I can hardly get into it!

Then perhaps I can explain. GreyWings has seen the reality of the sadder side of life. She is simply sharing her story so that the OP goes into this with open eyes. A very loving thing or GreyWinngs to do. No where has GreyWings encouraged divorce

 

[GreyWings]

Then perhaps I can explain. GreyWings has seen the reality of the sadder side of life. She is simply sharing her story so that the OP goes into this with open eyes. A very loving thing or GreyWinngs to do. No where has GreyWings encouraged divorce

Thanks Angie :hug1:

 

[mjs2001]

Much as others have said, you should stay in the marriage for the sake of your husband.

 

[1990Domer]

It is better to stay. Just try not to fight and argue in front of your son or he will become insecure.

EDIT: Also, just because you two gave up on one another doesn’t mean that you two will stop being faithful to each other.

Agree. And things can get better. Divorce really messes up kids!

 

[on_the_hill]

Love is a choice. If say you don’t love your husband, what you are actually saying is that you choose not too.

I don’t agree with this at all. Love isn’t simply a choice. It’s a very complicated thing sometimes, but not a choice. That’s like saying a depressed person chooses to be sad.

 

[E_7]

I agree with this. Wholeheartedly. Beautifully said.

But even when our hearts are pure, and we love, sometimes bad things happen to good people. That is the reality. Even when our hearts are on Him. Even when we give something our all.

Don’t get me wrong. I want the OP to have a successful marriage. But I am afraid for her, because my ex refused marriage counseling, too, with the exact same excuse, and BOOM. I was suddenly blindsided, needing a lawyer.

Absolutely, love is a choice. I only pray that what happened to me, doesn’t happen to anyone else.

OP, try to do what the others are telling you. Try to save your marriage. But just remember to heed my advice, in case you are stuck… go right to your priest. In fact, talking to your priest now may not be a bad idea.

I don’t want to upset anyone - I just don’t want anyone’s heart to be broken, and I don’t want anyone to go through what I went through.

:hug3:

 

[Allegra]

I agree with this. Wholeheartedly. Beautifully said.

But even when our hearts are pure, and we love, sometimes bad things happen to good people. That is the reality. Even when our hearts are on Him. Even when we give something our all.

Don’t get me wrong. I want the OP to have a successful marriage. But I am afraid for her, because my ex refused marriage counseling, too, with the exact same excuse, and BOOM. I was suddenly blindsided, needing a lawyer.

Absolutely, love is a choice. I only pray that what happened to me, doesn’t happen to anyone else.

OP, try to do what the others are telling you. Try to save your marriage. But just remember to heed my advice, in case you are stuck… go right to your priest. In fact, talking to your priest now may not be a bad idea.

I don’t want to upset anyone - I just don’t want anyone’s heart to be broken, and I don’t want anyone to go through what I went through.

How do you think walking out on her marriage now would be less heartbreaking than her husband choosing to do so later? At least then, she might be able to say she did everything she could for her marriage and her son. If she walks away now, she’s still going to have to get a lawyer. She’s still going to have to go through the pain. She’s still going to have to watch her son drive away with his father every other weekend and for two weeks in the summer. She’s still going to have to deal with a situation where her ex could bring another woman into her child’s life, a situation which she will have no control over. I understand that you felt blindsided by what happened to you, but I’m not sure why you think “doing it to him before he does it to her” is going to help in the long run. I’m sure that if the OP has supportive family and friends, they will be just as supportive either way.

 

[Allegra]

I don’t agree with this at all. Love isn’t simply a choice. It’s a very complicated thing sometimes, but not a choice. That’s like saying a depressed person chooses to be sad.

Love can be a noun or a verb. The verb form of “love” is always a choice. You can choose to actively love someone, even if you don’t feel loving at the time. That’s why people mean when they say that.

 

[PRmerger]

My husband and I have been having problems and it’s gotten a lot worse. My husband has finally admitted he is with me still only because of our infant son. I also have been feeling the same way but haven’t said it out loud to him. Regardless of who is causing what problems, he has refused counseling because he believes counselors, psychiatrists, psychologists are all crooks and frauds looking for money. I’m afraid of this all leading to separation and divorce, but I’m even more afraid of being stuck in a loveless marriage. He believes that we should still stay together for our sin because he needs both parents, which is a true fact, but am I wrong for thinking separating would be less hurtful for him now and in the long term?

It is better to stay. And act as if you love each other, even if you don’t feel love.

"We now know that kids are not “resilient.” They do not “get over it.” We know this from decades of careful research. We know if from experience. In fact, according to Judith Wallerstein, author of a 25-year study on the long-term legacy of divorce, the impact of divorce on children does not diminish with time. It “crescendos” in young adulthood, as they try to form relationships and marriages and families of their own.
crisismagazine.com/2015/laity-should-act-when-clergy-dont

 

[Xantippe]

My husband and I have been having problems and it’s gotten a lot worse. My husband has finally admitted he is with me still only because of our infant son. I also have been feeling the same way but haven’t said it out loud to him. Regardless of who is causing what problems, he has refused counseling because he believes counselors, psychiatrists, psychologists are all crooks and frauds looking for money. I’m afraid of this all leading to separation and divorce, but I’m even more afraid of being stuck in a loveless marriage. He believes that we should still stay together for our sin because he needs both parents, which is a true fact, but am I wrong for thinking separating would be less hurtful for him now and in the long term?

I haven’t read your whole thread yet, but it is genuinely more difficult when you have a new baby or a toddler at home. Everything is going to be harder–there’s the 24/7 responsibility for the child, there’s 3X the housework. there’s less money to do fun things together, there’s less time to spend together, etc. It’s just harder, even under the best of circumstances. Hopefully, just your child getting older (3ish/4ish) will make life somewhat easier and better.

You can still go to counseling and you can read marriage books (a lot of people like John Gottman) by yourself.

With regard to “crooks and frauds looking for money”–people that do stuff for other people get paid. Bakers get paid for making bread, accountants get paid for doing taxes, contractors get paid for construction projects, etc. All those people work and all of them get paid. Getting paid doesn’t make them “crooks” or “frauds”–it means that other people value their work and are willing to pay for it.

I’ll catch up with the thread before saying more.

 

[Xantippe]

I do not like to encourage divorce but… it is NOT good to stay together ‘just for your son’. If both people’s mentality is ‘for the good of the our son, we will try to reconcile our marriage’ then that is a different story.

Let me explain the difference.

To stay together for the sake of your son means a household where there is always a stressful environment ie let’s wait until junior is in bed before we fight

To stay together because you have a son and want to reconcile is a household where a married couple is trying to love one another. Much better. However if this situation is not feasible, then sadly considering leaving will be a reality. And you can not be the only person with this mentality. Hubby has to be on board.

I knew a girl whose parents stayed together for the sake of the kids. The day her younger brother graduated from high school her parents breathed a sigh of relief. Finally we can divorce. She said she NEVER saw her parents fight. However there was always an unbearable stressful silence in the house that made her wish her parents did divorce.

Angie

I really cannot endorse the “let’s fight after the kids go to bed” plan.

My parents did a lot of that when I was a kid, and it wasn’t nice to listen to alone in bed.

They loved each other a lot, but their problem solving methods were terrible.

 

[truetofaith]

I really cannot endorse the “let’s fight after the kids go to bed” plan.

My parents did a lot of that when I was a kid, and it wasn’t nice to listen to alone in bed.

They loved each other a lot, but their problem solving methods were terrible.

The OP never said they were fighting…only that they had no love for each other.

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t agree with this at all. Love isn’t simply a choice. It’s a very complicated thing sometimes, but not a choice. That’s like saying a depressed person chooses to be sad.

Right.

For instance, in the beginning of the relationship, the OP presumably didn’t CHOOSE to love her future husband–she presumably just loved him, without choosing to.

 

[Xantippe]

The OP never said they were fighting…only that they had no love for each other.

Other people were suggesting not fighting in front of the child.

I’m suggesting that if that means just waiting until the child is in bed and then screaming at each other for 30-60 minutes, that it’s not a great idea.

 

[mjs2001]

Right.

For instance, in the beginning of the relationship, the OP presumably didn’t CHOOSEg to love her future husband–she presumably just loved him, without choosing to.

All of this depends on what one means by “love.” Sacrificial love is an act of the will, not emotions.

 

[Mary_Estelle]

It is really, really hard to judge from the point of the org. poster. A truly loveless marriage must be akin to purgatory or even hell, unless the couple are and can remain “friends.” See your priest, if possible, who would be better to discern the situation.

 

[dmftx]

I would agree that you AND YOUR HUSBAND should try to work this out. Remember, God is a partner in your marriage, too. Do everything possible so you can, in your final judgement, truly say that you did everything you could (and will be able to say that to your son) to respect the sanctity of your marriage.
.
Having said that, and I don’t see any reason that you are in this situation, but “just in case things continue to digress”, I grew up in a home with extreme marital conflict that escalated over the years. I was subject to hearing/seeing things that children should not experience, multiple extramarital relationships on each side, and (well) we (my siblings and I) were deeply and forever affected in many ways. Some of us have moved on in life and our relationships better than others. Truthfully, our parents should have just divorced if they had any sense of the FOREVER damage it was causing us.

AGAIN, it does not sound like you are in that situation but I personally think God would see it as a grave, grave sin to affect your child with some of the experiences that can occur in a home with consistent discord. Trust me, kids who should be asleep often aren’t, or they wake up, so don’t count on that. Continue to work with your confessor and your husband. Perhaps find a Catholic counselor just for yourself, if dh won’t join you. I will pray for you and your family.

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