Is it better to stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of your children?

  • Thread starter Thread starter robinia
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
frangiuliano115 said:
Is this a script for a movie?

I had to smile all the way through!

How do YOU know what is going to happen? Does this happen in EVERY marriage that stays together just for the kids?

Fran
Click to expand...
Because it is what happens in the vast majority of.marriages in which they stay together for the kids and let’s face it, that situation has contributed to us having.an entire generation who.does.not believe in marriage.

And you don’t even.need.to know.examples, pure common.sense. do.you really think.that someone.who does not love the person that is living with and is just there because it is forced to be there, is going to be nice to the other person? You have to be naive to think that two people.who don’t love each other and are forced to live together are going to have a decent relationship. Top that with the fact that when people do not like each other and are forced together they quickly forget about the welfare of the child and become more worried about how to make the other person’s life more miserable.
 
EasterJoy said:
You owe it to yourself to learn how to disagree without destructive arguing or to make an effort at learning how that shows that your communication skills and generosity are not the problem. Even if you don’t remain in the same house, you are still going to be parenting the same children together! You cannot assume that your lack of a working relationship will not harm your children just because you went to the government and got divorce papers!

In other words: If your children matter to you, then whether you divorce or not you will suck it up and learn to get along with your child’s other parent to the best of your ability, showing that parent the respect you want your child to feel his or her parents deserve simply by being *his or her *parents.
Click to expand...
What you mention.here Easterjoy is the core of the problem. Unfortunately it appears that when two parents stop loving each other they become.obssesed with coming.back at each other. Truth is most parents who don’t.love each other refuse to make any effort at not being destructive at each other and not even divorce and splitting up solves the issue. In my professional.experience after a divorce the same chaotic situation that existed living at home continues with the only difference being that now instead of the parents attacking each other directly, they use the court to attack the other parent. Truth is most parents who don’t get along simply refuse to learn to get along with the other parent and this will.continue regardless of whether you stay together or split up.

And this is big.problem with staying.together just for the sake of the child. The whole “sake.of.The child”.does not.mean the welfare of the child, it just means that the parents stay together under the same roof so the child can have a facade, and under that facade usually there is very little real concern for the child.
 
marymary1975 said:
Because it is what happens in the vast majority of.marriages in which they stay together for the kids and let’s face it, that situation has contributed to us having.an entire generation who.does.not believe in marriage.

And you don’t even.need.to know.examples, pure common.sense. do.you really think.that someone.who does not love the person that is living with and is just there because it is forced to be there, is going to be nice to the other person? You have to be naive to think that two people.who don’t love each other and are forced to live together are going to have a decent relationship. Top that with the fact that when people do not like each other and are forced together they quickly forget about the welfare of the child and become more worried about how to make the other person’s life more miserable.
Click to expand...
Right.

What gives “staying together for the sake of the children” a bad name is that so many couples, did it, loudly announced that they were doing it, and did it BADLY. However, there probably have been couples that didn’t go around announcing the fact, and did a much better job.

I don’t know them that well, but I have a great uncle and great aunt that stayed together “for the sake of the grandchildren.” Great uncle was, I’m told, very rude and disrespectful to my great auntie for a great many years. He has finally gone to the nursing home (with his dementia, he was like a big toddler–unmanageable for a frail 80-something old lady), and deo gratias for that.
 
marymary1975 said:
What you mention.here Easterjoy is the core of the problem. Unfortunately it appears that when two parents stop loving each other they become.obssesed with coming.back at each other. Truth is most parents who don’t.love each other refuse to make any effort at not being destructive at each other and not even divorce and splitting up solves the issue. In my professional.experience after a divorce the same chaotic situation that existed living at home continues with the only difference being that now instead of the parents attacking each other directly, they use the court to attack the other parent. Truth is most parents who don’t get along simply refuse to learn to get along with the other parent and this will.continue regardless of whether you stay together or split up.
**
And this is big.problem with staying.together just for the sake of the child. The whole “sake.of.The child”.does not.mean the welfare of the child, it just means that the parents stay together under the same roof so the child can have a facade, and under that facade usually there is very little real concern for the child**.
Click to expand...
And that’s just it.

If they’re really staying together for the sake of the child, and they’re both really interested in the kid’s long-term well-being, then they model at least courteous behavior to one another. They don’t fight over things that aren’t worth fighting about, and when they do have an argument, it’s an adult argument, not one laced with yelling, expletives, and name-calling.

Problem is, this is rare.
 
UbiCaritas said:
And that’s just it.

If they’re really staying together for the sake of the child, and they’re both really interested in the kid’s long-term well-being, then they model at least courteous behavior to one another. They don’t fight over things that aren’t worth fighting about, and when they do have an argument, it’s an adult argument, not one laced with yelling, expletives, and name-calling.

Problem is, this is rare.
Click to expand...
Yeeees. The sad truth is that when it comes to romantic relationships and problems.within them, very few people.have the ability to take full control of their.emotions.and.behave in a civilized way. Even in a happy marriage there may be moments in which is hard to control.emotions, now imagine in an unhappy marriage with two people that don’t get along.
 
marymary1975 said:
Because it is what happens in the vast majority of.marriages in which they stay together for the kids and let’s face it, that situation has contributed to us having.an entire generation who.does.not believe in marriage.

And you don’t even.need.to know.examples, pure common.sense. do.you really think.that someone.who does not love the person that is living with and is just there because it is forced to be there, is going to be nice to the other person? You have to be naive to think that two people.who don’t love each other and are forced to live together are going to have a decent relationship. Top that with the fact that when people do not like each other and are forced together they quickly forget about the welfare of the child and become more worried about how to make the other person’s life more miserable.
Click to expand...
Yes, two people who don’t want to be married to each other can stay married and can treat each other with respect. They can even choose to love each other: they can choose to be “patient… kind…not jealous…not pompous…not inflated…not rude…(to) not seek (one’s) own interest…not quick-tempered…not brood(ing) over injury… not rejoic(ing) over wrongdoing but rejoic(ing) with the truth.” They can choose to be one of those who “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

If you’re not willing to do that, not even in principle, when you promised to do it or for the welfare of your children, why pretend that it is possible to follow Christianity? It may not be “common sense” as the secular world understands common sense, but it is certainly possible.
  • "You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, offer no resistance to one who is evil. When someone strikes you on (your) right cheek, turn the other one to him as well. If anyone wants to go to law with you over your tunic, hand him your cloak as well. Should anyone press you into service for one
    mile, go with him for two miles. Give to the one who asks of you, and do not turn your back on one who wants to borrow.
"You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your heavenly Father, for he makes his sun rise on the bad and the good, and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust.

“For if you love those who love you, what recompense will you have? Do not the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet your brothers only, what is unusual about that? Do not the pagans do the same? So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect.*”
Matt. 5:38-48

Now, you may find that your spouse will not reciprocate sufficiently to give you or your child a home that has even the minimum of peace in it. I’m not saying that one person cannot ruin the peace in a home all by himself or herself. I’m not saying that we are not weak and might not be able to self-master ourselves enough to act in a peaceful manner around someone we promised to love. I’m saying that it is not impossible for two people who would not choose to marry each other if they were given the choice all over again can’t make a peaceful and loving home solely because they chose to make that happen. Maybe for some, but the fact that some cannot do it does not imply that no one can or that it is not worth trying. Some do try, and some who love each other for the sake of their children find that when their children leave home that they would like to keep doing it. Those who are tempted to “fall out” of love have been known to “fall back” into it. I have seen it happen. It is by far the most preferable course.
 
EasterJoy said:
Yes, two people who don’t want to be married to each other can stay married and can treat each other with respect. They can even choose to love each other: they can choose to be “patient… kind…not jealous…not pompous…not inflated…not rude…(to) not seek (one’s) own interest…not quick-tempered…not brood(ing) over injury… not rejoic(ing) over wrongdoing but rejoic(ing) with the truth.” They can choose to be one of those who “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

If you’re not willing to do that, not even in principle, when you promised to do it or for the welfare of your children, why pretend that it is possible to follow Christianity? It may not be “common sense” as the secular world understands common sense, but it is certainly possible.
  • "You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, offer no resistance to one who is evil. When someone strikes you on (your) right cheek, turn the other one to him as well. If anyone wants to go to law with you over your tunic, hand him your cloak as well. Should anyone press you into service for one
    mile, go with him for two miles. Give to the one who asks of you, and do not turn your back on one who wants to borrow.
"You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your heavenly Father, for he makes his sun rise on the bad and the good, and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust.

“For if you love those who love you, what recompense will you have? Do not the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet your brothers only, what is unusual about that? Do not the pagans do the same? So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect.*”
Matt. 5:38-48

Now, you may find that your spouse will not reciprocate sufficiently to give you or your child a home that has even the minimum of peace in it. I’m not saying that one person cannot ruin the peace in a home all by himself or herself. I’m not saying that we are not weak and might not be able to self-master ourselves enough to act in a peaceful manner around someone we promised to love. I’m saying that it is not impossible for two people who would not choose to marry each other if they were given the choice all over again can’t make a peaceful and loving home solely because they chose to make that happen. Maybe for some, but the fact that some cannot do it does not imply that no one can or that it is not worth trying. Some do try, and some who love each other for the sake of their children find that when their children leave home that they would like to keep doing it. Those who are tempted to “fall out” of love have been known to “fall back” into it. I have seen it happen. It is by far the most preferable course.
Click to expand...
Hello Easterjoy,

I’m afraid that one misunderstood sentence in a previous post of yours has overturned your beliefs. I just want to say that I agree with you 100%. You explain yourself very well, much better than I could with the limited amount of time I have. However, my feelings are as yours.

I’m reposting your last sentence because it sums up all I’ve said and what you’re saying:

Maybe for some, but the fact that some cannot do it does not imply that no one can or that it is not worth trying. Some do try, and some who love each other for the sake of their children find that when their children leave home that they would like to keep doing it. Those who are tempted to “fall out” of love have been known to “fall back” into it. I have seen it happen. It is by far the most preferable course

Amen to that!

Fran
 
marymary1975 said:
Yes staying together just for the sake of.The kids is a bad thing because what is going to happen is that the parents are going to.start treating.each other.badly, disrespecting each other, there is going to be constant arguments and stress in the house, and the parents are going to have an extremely dysfunctional.relationship. So what child.is going.to.learn? That screaming at your spouse is perfectly ok, that disrespecting.your spouse is ok and that marriage equals anything but love. And the worst part is that odds are that the kid is going to reflect that behavior on future relationships.
Click to expand...
marymary,

I just lost a really long reply to you and I just cannot redo the post.

Let me just say a couple of things:

A previous poster, to whom I replied, wrote a movie script explaining in detail all the bad things that were going to happen as a result of staying together. I could write the same script but for the opposite effect. Not that I can sit here and really do it, but I think you understand.

I’m up in years and are exposed to two different cultures. Believe me, many get married for the sake of settling down or having a family or just companionship. Which makes me want to ask everyone WHAT IS LOVE? Is it just that warm, fuzzy feeling or is it more? My arm pain therapist told me he CHOSE his wife and that he chose well. You say I’m naive somewhere, it’s not that I’m naive, it’s that I’ve seen different situations work and we’re called to stay together after chirldren are born.

What makes us leave a marriage is ego or pride. Which are at the foundation of about 95% of sin. We have to leave our pride aside and learn to get along once we become parents.

I can’t take more time with this. I’m sorry. I had really made my positin clear, but i don’t know how it could be any more clear. Easterjoy is doing a good job. I don’t understand how you just walk out on your kids - be it the husband or the wife and I’ve seen both happen.

Let me go.

Fran
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top