Is it ever ok to walk away from abusive family member

[mommy_k]

A friend has an aging parent and a very mentally ill sibling. As a child the mentally ill sibling abused my friend, and her mother said that my friend had to understand because her sibling was sick. The mom never protected the victim child. The mentally ill sibling got treatment at times, but always reverted and stopped treatment.
Now years later, my friend has children and the sibling is still not on medication. The mother does everything for the mentally ill sibling as she had never worked. In the friend’s moms last will and testament- it states that my friend has to care for her after the mom dies.she doesnot want to expose her kids to this. She is not allowed to sell her moms hoise and will be responsible for all damage to the property. She cannot put her in a mental hospital either, just care at home. When my friend refused to do this her aging mother called everyone in my friends social circle to embarrass her-stating she is uncaring. The mom and mentally ill daughter have no one-because of past behavior. What advise do I give my emotionally scarred friend. When she asked God-he said to Pray for her mom and that’s it.
Thank you

 

[BlueEyedLady]

She needs to get an attorney to figure out exactly what her rights and responsibilities she has as the sole heir. She needs to know what in her mom’s will will be legally binding and what will just be suggestions.

And yes, it is not only ok to walk away from an abusive family member, it is often advisable. Trust me, the scars take years to heal, but its either go through the struggle of healing or living your life broken.

You said she has children, does she also have a husband? Close friends? I would be willing to bet that if she looks around she’ll see that as an adult she made a nice life for herself and built her own family. There is nothing that can tear her down if she clings to that.

 

[oldcatholicguy]

The mother is being extremely unreasonable and showing no concern for your friend or her grandchildren. I’d advise the friend against allowing the sister to live in his/her house and that a mental facility is the best course of action. From a moral standpoint, I’d say a mental facility is the way to go (sister gets the help she needs, your friend and his/her children are safeguarded against violence, you friend fulfills his moral and family obligations). The mother needs to realize that unless she drops her unreasonable demands her daughter will most likely end up on the street with no care at all.

 

[EasterJoy]

Your friend tried to give her mom a heads up about her needs in this situation, but the mother refused to hear it. Oh, well. Yes, when someone refuses whatever help and truth you have to offer, prayer combined with distance is a good alternative. Sometimes, it is the only alternative.

Your friend’s mother can name your friend as legal guardian of the mentally ill sibling after her death, but she cannot force your friend to take that position simply by putting it in her will. Your friend has the right to refuse. In that case, a court will appoint a guardian for the sibling. This is getting far past the ability of a layperson to advise about, however.

Your friend needs to consult an attorney before accepting her own inheritance, however, so that she will not be unknowingly put herself in a position she never intended to accept. If she can get the actual papers to her attorney now instead of after the mother’s death, great, but otherwise it will need to happen after the fact. Even if she sees an attorney in advance, her attorney needs to look at all the papers in effect at the time the mother died when the time comes. She has to realize, too, that her mother may, in effect, give the entire inheritance to the ill sibling. That’s the way it goes sometimes. As a parent, she will realize the need to provide materially for children who have no way of providing for themselves, so that much may be something she can cope with, in spite of the other unfairness she’s had to endure. If life were fair, both siblings would have a sound mind. (My guess is that the mother’s will banks on the well sibling not being willing to vacate her own inheritance in order to refuse the position of guardian. That may not even be enforeable…again, something for the lawyers.)

As for her social circle, everyone who has ever met this mother and the mentally-ill sibling knows the score. The mom can’t re-write the plain facts that are in front of everyone. Anyone who believes a lie gets what they deserve…let them go, and shame on them.

Absolutely your friend ought to stay away from abusers, even within her family. To do otherwise gives them a near occasion of sin and avoids the duty of giving them an appropriate rebuke for the choice to offend.

 

[agnes_therese]

She needs to get an attorney to figure out exactly what her rights and responsibilities she has as the sole heir. She needs to know what in her mom’s will will be legally binding and what will just be suggestions.

And yes, it is not only ok to walk away from an abusive family member, it is often advisable. Trust me, the scars take years to heal, but its either go through the struggle of healing or living your life broken.

You said she has children, does she also have a husband? Close friends? I would be willing to bet that if she looks around she’ll see that as an adult she made a nice life for herself and built her own family. There is nothing that can tear her down if she clings to that.

Absolutely she needs to get an attorney. I suspect those provisions of the will cannot and would not be enforced, but she needs to know exactly where she stands legally. (She might even want to have the lawyer send a letter to her mother stating that fact, but that’s hard to say from outside the situation). Her mother does need to make some arrangement for the sibling, but she has no right – morally and probably not legally – to force this on your friend.

She also needs to let her mother know that she will not be bullied. Yes, it is perfectly OK to walk away from an abusive family member. We are commanded to love one another, and we are commanded to honor our parents. I have yet to find anything in Scripture that commands us to allow ourselves to be abused.

 

[EasterJoy]

The mother is being extremely unreasonable and showing no concern for your friend or her grandchildren. I’d advise the friend against allowing the sister to live in his/her house and that a mental facility is the best course of action. From a moral standpoint, I’d say a mental facility is the way to go (sister gets the help she needs, your friend and his/her children are safeguarded against violence, you friend fulfills his moral and family obligations). The mother needs to realize that unless she drops her unreasonable demands her daughter will most likely end up on the street with no care at all.

I think the mother intends that the ill sibling continue to live in the house she is currently living in after the mother dies: that is, in the house of the deceased mother. By “responsible for all damage”, I’m guessing that the mother is projecting what she thinks the guardian of a mentally-ill adult is responsible to do in her state. Let’s hope she’s totally out in left field about that, but that is a question for a lawyer. The laws surrounding mentally-ill adults are very complex; I wouldn’t venture into those questions.

 

[EasterJoy]

Absolutely she needs to get an attorney. I suspect those provisions of the will cannot and would not be enforced, but she needs to know exactly where she stands legally. (She might even want to have the lawyer send a letter to her mother stating that fact, but that’s hard to say from outside the situation). Her mother does need to make some arrangement for the sibling, but she has no right – morally and probably not legally – to force this on your friend.

She also needs to let her mother know that she will not be bullied. Yes, it is perfectly OK to walk away from an abusive family member. We are commanded to love one another, and we are commanded to honor our parents. I have yet to find anything in Scripture that commands us to allow ourselves to be abused.

Yes. For instance, they could conceivably live in a state where refusing the provisions of a will are a “Yes” or “No” proposition, and so the mother is banking some idea that the mentally-stable daughter doing whatever mom says because the stable daughter would have to waive her inheritance if she doesn’t. The mentally-stable daughter needs a lawyer. It won’t be cheap–I’d really advise doing all the homework in advance that is possible, to keep meetings with the lawyer moving quickly, because time is money–but the advice she needs could be priceless. This is a bad area in which to be penny wise and pound foolish. It would be worth even thousands of dollars to evade an utter nightmare.

I’d not tell the mother that a lawyer was being consulted, though. That would just be shoving a stick into a hornet’s nest. It is better to keep that private, and entirely ethical to do so.

 

[HollyDolly]

No expert here,but your friend needs to find a lawyer.If she lives in a big city, there are lawyers who specialize in wills,estate planning etc.The thing is to talk to the lawyer or law firm BEFORE her mother passes. If somehow she can get a copy of the will, that’s good,so the attornery can look it over.Sounds like the mother wants to give the home to the mentally ill sibling,but have your friend maintain the place.Your friend needs to give them the whole back story about the mental illness,and the fact that she has a family,and really doens’t want the kids to have contact with their aunt,because of concerns for the kids safety.

 

[mommy_k]

My friend told me that the will is written that her children are the heirs of the estate, and the house cannot be sold while the mentally ill sibling is living. The mentally ill sibling cannot have more than a set amount in the bank because of government benefits that would cease if she did. My friend is hurt from a violent abusive Past and is finding it difficult to relate to her mother these days for allowing not only what is going on now-but that she was forced to be submissive to this abuse. She has not spoken to her mother since this has come to light. It is just too much for her. My friend is blessed with a beautiful familyand husband who love each other very much. Since her mentally ill sister has broken, thrown and trashed the house while she was growing up repair bills, taxes etc are too much.she told me she wants no part of her mother who is old or to entangle her family in this mess. My friend owns a home out of state. I told her that her responsiblity is to her family and children, and to pray. She feels guilty forabandoning her mother though and thinkS its a sin and she will not go to heaven when she dies because of this.

 

[camerong]

As an attorney, I agree that your friend needs to talk to an attorney. Not just to figure out what her legal obligations are–she probably has none, as she should be able to decline any responsibilities or benefits given to her by a will–but also because estate planning attorneys have probably dealt with similar situations before and can make her feel better about her decisions and maybe make some suggestions. If she knows that she is not willing to be a guardian of her sibling but is named as such in the will, this probably is something that should be brought up sooner rather than later. It might be worth having the mother change the will, for example, to expedite the care of the sibling upon the mother’s death. These are complicated issues that require an attorney to talk through.

No one, not even attorneys, can give any legal advice over the internet except to say “see an attorney.”

Morally, of course your friend must protect her own children, at any cost to the rest of her family. She has no moral duty to the sibling, as the State can provide for him or her if necessary, but your friend is morally responsible to prevent risks to her own children.

 

[mommy_k]

Thank you very much for the insight. My friend is not sleeping becuse of the abandonment issue, not the money issue. She is very sad to leave her mother after all this nonsense and how she has been treated her whole life. Is it a sin to walk away from this situation on a spiritual level. Will God forgive her for leaving an aging parent such as this?the aging parent is well cared for.

 

[Julia_Mae]

What advise do I give my emotionally scarred friend. When she asked God-he said to Pray for her mom and that’s it.
Thank you

Talk to a lawyer - mom can’t compel lifestyle after death.

 

[EasterJoy]

No one, not even attorneys, can give any legal advice over the internet except to say “see an attorney.”

This…and it is very much worthwhile to find an attorney who has made a good reputation while specializing in family and estate law in the state in which the mother made her legal preparations, as this is not a simple case. Especially where a mentally-challenged adult is concerned, this can all get very complicated.

If she knows that she is not willing to be a guardian of her sibling but is named as such in the will, this probably is something that should be brought up sooner rather than later. It might be worth having the mother change the will, for example, to expedite the care of the sibling upon the mother’s death.

This can be suggested, but only the mother can do it, of course. The mother may also resist giving the mentally-sound sibling a copy of her papers.

The friend should also not let her family con her into thinking that the mentally-challenged sibling is entitled to have the sister shield any family member disclosing their true assets to the state. That is tantamount to expecting her to lie to the state! Also, just as wardens have the responsibility to keep inmates from harming each other, the guardian of someone who cannot control themselves has the responsibility to keep that person under control and deny them the opportunity to harm others. If the OPs friend was hurt and the sibling is not responsible, then unless the OPs friend violated rules intended to keep her safe, the mother is responsible for the harm she ought to have easily foreseen. The abuse that she could have prevented and chose not to prevent is on her head, not on the head of those who choose not to expose themselves to any more of it.

There is no set of handicaps that gives carte blanche to abuse someone else. The OPs friend’s family has done everything they can to drive her away. They have no cause to protest when they succeed.

 

[Rence]

A friend has an aging parent and a very mentally ill sibling. As a child the mentally ill sibling abused my friend, and her mother said that my friend had to understand because her sibling was sick. The mom never protected the victim child. The mentally ill sibling got treatment at times, but always reverted and stopped treatment.
Now years later, my friend has children and the sibling is still not on medication. The mother does everything for the mentally ill sibling as she had never worked. In the friend’s moms last will and testament- it states that my friend has to care for her after the mom dies.she doesnot want to expose her kids to this. She is not allowed to sell her moms hoise and will be responsible for all damage to the property. She cannot put her in a mental hospital either, just care at home. When my friend refused to do this her aging mother called everyone in my friends social circle to embarrass her-stating she is uncaring. The mom and mentally ill daughter have no one-because of past behavior. What advise do I give my emotionally scarred friend. When she asked God-he said to Pray for her mom and that’s it.
Thank you

Her mother can’t obligate her to take care of her sibling, nor can she obligate her to any damage to the property, just by putting it in her will unless the property is in the daughter’s (your friend) name. If the house is in your friend’s n

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you very much for the insight. My friend is not sleeping becuse of the abandonment issue, not the money issue. She is very sad to leave her mother after all this nonsense and how she has been treated her whole life. Is it a sin to walk away from this situation on a spiritual level. Will God forgive her for leaving an aging parent such as this?the aging parent is well cared for.

To the contrary: Your friend can look at the alternative of staying around for this abuse without rebuke as enabling, as providing the near occasion of sin. The mother was not “abandoned” because your friend (her child) was selfish, but rather the mother drove her own child away because no one would protect the child from harm. Your friend is not practicing abandonment, but legitimate self-defense.

She probably ought to talk this over with her pastor. I think that will help her to realize and believe that distance and prayer are a very ethical choice.

 

[Rence]

A friend has an aging parent and a very mentally ill sibling. As a child the mentally ill sibling abused my friend, and her mother said that my friend had to understand because her sibling was sick. The mom never protected the victim child. The mentally ill sibling got treatment at times, but always reverted and stopped treatment.
Now years later, my friend has children and the sibling is still not on medication. The mother does everything for the mentally ill sibling as she had never worked. In the friend’s moms last will and testament- it states that my friend has to care for her after the mom dies.she doesnot want to expose her kids to this. She is not allowed to sell her moms hoise and will be responsible for all damage to the property. She cannot put her in a mental hospital either, just care at home. When my friend refused to do this her aging mother called everyone in my friends social circle to embarrass her-stating she is uncaring. The mom and mentally ill daughter have no one-because of past behavior. What advise do I give my emotionally scarred friend. When she asked God-he said to Pray for her mom and that’s it.
Thank you

Her mother can’t obligate her to take care of her sibling, nor can she obligate her to any damage to the property, just by putting it in her will unless the property is in the daughter’s (your friend) name. If the house is in your friend’s name, there is litte mom can do about it when she’s gone. If the property is in mom’s name, then your friend has no right to it, and also is not responsible for any damage or cost. The mom can’t obligate your friend not to put her sibling in a home either. All this can’t happen if your friend doesn’t sign (and thereby accept responsibility) any agreements. You can’t just make someone responsible for things/people just by putting it in a will. You can reject any unwanted responsibilities in a will when the will is read.

Why doesn’t the mom just write in her will to sell the house and use the money to help care for the sibling? Assuming your friend is married with kids, and living on her own, she won’t need her mother’s house. It may be of benefit to the unmanageable sibling though.

 

[april32010]

i have no legal advice to give ,and wouldn’t give it if i had. if the mothers doesn’t wish your friend to inherit anything unless she takes care of her sibling, your friend has a simple choice to make honor her mothers wish or not.

 

[Linusthe2nd]

A friend has an aging parent and a very mentally ill sibling. As a child the mentally ill sibling abused my friend, and her mother said that my friend had to understand because her sibling was sick. The mom never protected the victim child. The mentally ill sibling got treatment at times, but always reverted and stopped treatment.
Now years later, my friend has children and the sibling is still not on medication. The mother does everything for the mentally ill sibling as she had never worked. In the friend’s moms last will and testament- it states that my friend has to care for her after the mom dies.she doesnot want to expose her kids to this. She is not allowed to sell her moms hoise and will be responsible for all damage to the property. She cannot put her in a mental hospital either, just care at home. When my friend refused to do this her aging mother called everyone in my friends social circle to embarrass her-stating she is uncaring. The mom and mentally ill daughter have no one-because of past behavior. What advise do I give my emotionally scarred friend. When she asked God-he said to Pray for her mom and that’s it.
Thank you

Tell her to take her kid and go out on her own even if she has to go on welfare. And tell the rest of the family to s—eggs.

 

[Rence]

i have no legal advice to give ,and wouldn’t give it if i had. if the mothers doesn’t wish your friend to inherit anything unless she takes care of her sibling, your friend has a simple choice to make honor her mothers wish or not.

Yes, this.

I threw out my father when I was 19 years old for his toxic presence, and I haven’t looked back. Yes, it’s okay to walk away from abusive family members.

 

[VivienneJ]

In addition to getting legal advice, I’d suggest that your friend gets advice/counselling from a priest or spiritual director - that should help her work through her feeling of guilt in her relationship with her mother.