Is it me, or has the cost of having children been blown WAY out of porportion?

[AnotherChance]

I have yet to read anything in this thread that was genuinely uncharitable or bashing two-parent-working households. As Obi-Wan would say, “be mindful of your feelings, they betray you.” That is, if you can’t read something that expresses a preference for staying at home without feeling like your ox is being gored, one should ask who this reveals more about.

Agreed. I expressed that our life has improved since we went to one income. My point was to respond to the initial question which was about finances. We have less money but lots more happiness. I never said anything to bash anyone, especially since a year ago my precious son was in daycare, so I certainly can’t judge! But what you say about the defensiveness is true. For example, I couldn’t listen to Dr. Laura’s program when my sweet boy was in daycare and I was away from him all day. She would always say that you can find a way to be with your child, but I didn’t want to hear it.

 

[maria29]

I have yet to read anything in this thread that was genuinely uncharitable or bashing two-parent-working households. As Obi-Wan would say, “be mindful of your feelings, they betray you.” That is, if you can’t read something that expresses a preference for staying at home without feeling like your ox is being gored, one should ask who this reveals more about.

Agreed. I expressed that our life has improved since we went to one income. My point was to respond to the initial question which was about finances. We have less money but lots more happiness. I never said anything to bash anyone, especially since a year ago my precious son was in daycare, so I certainly can’t judge! But what you say about the defensiveness is true. For example, I couldn’t listen to Dr. Laura’s program when my sweet boy was in daycare and I was away from him all day. She would always say that you can find a way to be with your child, but I didn’t want to hear it.

I know many moms who would of loved to stay who cannot afford it. What I get tired of is on these threads that somehow two parents working doesn’t mean one trusts in God. Would I of loved to stay home of course, but that wasn’t what God wanted for us as a family.

I find on this forum especially that its wrong to judge parents who want to stay home, but its okay to assume that because both parents are working it must be to the detriment of the child and only for materialistic means.

Why must we even tear families down in the first place just because they want to provide certain things for their children? Is it really any business of ours?

As for the bolded, its just not always true. I belong to a low income forum, ask the hundreds of women who have to help support their family and need the 2nd income .

 

[shannyk]

Holy cow was my original post even read?

Sometimes I think when words go through cyberspace they come out different on the receivers’ end…because I never said anything critical or ‘uncharitable’ about anyone. I was asking a question. Island Oak I never was judging anyone for being irresponsible, I was simply asking why so many people my age seem to think children are so enormously expensive that they have to out off until near middle age to have them, and stockpile in the meantime.

maria I honestly do not see anyone criticizing anyone here…am I missing something? We ALL know circumstances are different for every family, that’s a given. I’m a single FT working mom of a small brood myself, so I know things aren’t always ideal, and big families aren’t do-able for every couple.

People do what they have to to get by.

But that is entirely different than waiting until you reach millionaire status before children are affordable to you.

We’re debating apples and oranges here.

 

[gardenswithkids]

…The only people who get to vote on this decision is a given couple for themselves. No one else gets or deserves a vote. …

Couples should make informed decisions on these matters. Some couples may make their decisions based on misinformation. Correcting someone’s misperception of costs or presenting alternative viewpoints on what a child truly needs can be a spiritual work of mercy: instructing the ignorant.

Yes, it can cost a great deal of money to raise a child from womb to dorm, but a child doesn’t *need *everything that many parents provide. Some children might even be better off if their parents gave them fewer material goods and fewer activities. It can cost much less than what is the stated “average cost” of raising a child in America.

…particularly given what we’ve all seen and experienced lately in the financial markets…

Financial security is something of an illusion in this world. While my husband and I attempt financial security, the stock market fell about 40% in the past year, (thankfully regaining some of those losses today.) Who knows what will happen with home values. Unlike recent stocks and real estate investments, our children kept growing. I’m glad that we invested most of our financial assets in our children.

When all is said and done, few people ever regret having had their children.

 

[sanctamaria17]

I’m glad my parents invested in the three of us. When I was growing up, we didn’t live extravagantly at all. But it’s understandable that my parents would want to invest in making their home beautiful (my father was poor and lived in many different houses) and in giving us opportunities that they never had growing up (which includes college, because they were never able to finish and it’s something they regret to this day). I think it’s how you spend your money on kids.

My sister, brother and I are all very musical. Naturally, my parents chose to nurture that and such. As a result, we all had music lessons (we were all in our school band/chorus, etc, I’ve had private voice lessons, my sister had guitar/flute, my brother plays French horn and the bass). My sister is also an amazing dancer, so my parents chose to invest in that. It also keeps her motivated schoolwise, because her ability to compete depends on her academics.

Seriously, sometimes having kids can be cheap, sometimes not. Sometimes God says, “Cut back on expenses,” sometimes He directs us to invest more. It’s not how much you’re spending, it’s what you’re spending it on. Sometimes He calls us to have big families with one parent at home, sometimes He calls us to smaller families, with both working. I really think it depends on the family.

 

[SchonGirl1]

Children can be expensive. It can cost a lot of money to raise some children. In the end though, it comes down to whether or not we are willing to place our trust in God, because He will give us the means to take care of each and every precious treasure we are blessed with.
There is a family at my church back home and they recently had a tenth child. Many people think, “Oh, how terrible and selfish of that couple. How can they love all those children? How can they not neglect some of those children?” There are constantly things said behind this family’s back, as well as to their faces, and by fellow Catholics! I have been over to their house many times and recently spent the night in their RV (Imagine fitting in a family of 12, plus two extra!). Those kids are surrounded by LOVE. That is what having children is all about. It isn’t about having the money to send them to Ivy League schools, or go on expensive vacations all the time. That is the problem with today’s society - the view of children has become one of financial worth, instead of worth as a human being.

 

[perfectpeach]

I think it certainly has been blown way out of proportion! My husband and I do not make a lot of money… we have 3 children and live like rockstars (in God’s band, of course)

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

what you should never skimp on or skip is healthcare coverage, never under any circumstances allow your coverage to drop, and if that is unavoidable apply for medicaid, cobra or any other emergency coverage immediately so there is no lapse in coverage.

.

AMEN TO THIS

 

[mizznicole]

Babies aren’t expensive. Graduate school is.

Well, our cloth diapers have been costly, but everything else has been gifted to us. We’re very fortunate.

 

[Viki63]

I

My sister-in-law and her husband gambled, and they lost. Their kid turned out to be a sink-hole for money.
IIt doesn’t have to be something awful like cancer. .

I have to say I disagree with this comment, that your sis-in-law lost her gamble. She was hoping for happiness, and instead got a child who developed cancer, and cost extreme amounts., But I would bet they wouldn’t trade their child for anything.
That is not a gamble. It’s a question of God’s will – He knows what he is doing with each family.
Happiness can still be found in these situations, in accepting God’s will and doing your best to work within it.It’s like saying that the life of a disabled person is a waste, because he can’t go skiing or swimming. God just has other plans for his life.

 

[shannyk]

My sister-in-law and her husband gambled, and they lost. Their kid turned out to be a sink-hole for money.

I think a lot of people look at situations like this, assess them, and say, “The gamble is too much. We will not take the chance on having a child because we are not willing to take the chance that he/she will turn out to be expensive.”

Ok I just can’t even comprehend these statements. I really can’t.

How did they gamble and loose?

I’m not sure I understand the gambling analogy here…I thought having children was about graciously receiving a gift from God and cooperating in His plan for creation, not gambling.

As for kids costing money, being expensive, well yeah they CAN be, especially if unexpected things come up.

I didn’t expect to have a child with autism, which has cost me until amounts of money because INSURANCE DOESN’T PAY FOR ANY TREATMENTS RELATED TO AUTSIM BECAUSE IT"S DEEMED NOT MEDICALLY NECESSARY. Yeah I bolded that, because it’s so ridiculous it has to be bolded. let me be clear, they pay for NOTHING that he really needs. Speech therapy? nope. why? because the cause of this speech delay is autsim which is categorized as mental illness, even thought it’s a nerrological one, so, if he had say epilepsy, or a head injury, and speech delay related to that, he’d be fully covered. But with autism, nope SORRY, pay it yourself. Occupational therapy, nope, physical therapy, nope, ABA therapy,oh that’s 50 g’s a year no biggie that’s just my entire yearly income, taking school to court because they won’t educate your child properly, it all costs money, and due to the nature of my son’s disability it will be costing me money for the rest of my life. I still feel like I got the biggest gambling payout ever.

So yeah, I know about unforeseen expenses. Those expenses for one thing are my responsibility, and two, they are an investment. And investment in a human being which is priceless IMHO.

I still do not see where the idea of stockpiling hundreds of thousands of dollars is warranted. I still don’t see how anyone making a 6 figure income has any room to say they can’t afford a child. This is what I’m talking about, not how much we actually end up spending on our kids. It’s the idea that kids need SOOOOOO much that you have to be a millionaire before you can afford them. The only way that makes sense is if you have no idea what being a parent is all about.

 

[rayne89]

I know many moms who would of loved to stay who cannot afford it. What I get tired of is on these threads that somehow two parents working doesn’t mean one trusts in God. Would I of loved to stay home of course, but that wasn’t what God wanted for us as a family.

I find on this forum especially that its wrong to judge parents who want to stay home, but its okay to assume that because both parents are working it must be to the detriment of the child and only for materialistic means.

Why must we even tear families down in the first place just because they want to provide certain things for their children? Is it really any business of ours?

As for the bolded, its just not always true. I belong to a low income forum, ask the hundreds of women who have to help support their family and need the 2nd income .

I’m a working mom and I really didn’t get that from this thread.

I don’t work full time but I do work, moreso recently because hubby had to take a paycut. I don’t feel guilty about working because its how the bills get paid. Not luxuries, bills.

You have to know it inside yourself that whatever you are chosing is best for your famiy -then other peoples opinions really don’t matter.

 

[mmt4]

It is perception, mixed with so many people being duped into thinking wants are needs.

on soapbox
Just a few months ago, as the economy was getting lots of media coverage for tanking, there was a newspaper article about families having to belt tighten and gasp having to give up the annual trip to Disneyworld or whatever and go camping nearby instead! Obviously everyone defines needs vs. wants differently but it seems there is always a shift with each generation. The other day my dh was saying how lucky our kids are that I serve them cold cereal for breakfast (like Raisin Bran, etc… - I pay no more than 10cents per ounce for cold cereal but got a lot on sale with coupons in August) because when he was a kid it was plain oatmeal every morning. Cold cereal was a rare treat because of the cost.
off soapbox

Anyway, there is no denying having kids cost more than no kids. And that each successive child does add more to the expense side of the cash flow sheet. You can hand down clothes but you cant get around feeding everyone and providing medical and dental care. But there are definitely ways each family handles expenses differently.

Last night I was exhausted at dinner and I mentioned to dh that I get like that when I am pg. (we have 4 kids) He replied “We can’t afford a bigger house”. I pointed out to him our house was just fine - We live in an 1800 sq ft 4bdr/2ba house - and that friends of our kids, a family of 8, live in a smaller house and they have bunk beds stacked in the bedrooms and the kids do just fine.

Having kids means future expenses can be unpredictable and you have to let full control go. Some people truly believe they are in control of their lives 100% and fear letting any of that go.

 

[leonie]

It seems like having kids takes jumps. Having babies and toddlers isn’t so bad–unless you have to pay daycare.

Then when they start school, there’s a big jump in cost even for public school. There’s school clothes, shoes, books, fieldtrips, etc.

Then preteen age, there’s a big jump in groceries (whoa, baby). Teens have a lot of expenses, but they also can work, so…

In numbers, there’s a jump, too. One or two kids can fit in a sedan, but when you get three or four, you have to jump to a minivan or a SUV. Then after 5 or 6, you have to move up to a bigger van ( or a limo as one family we know did).

With a couple kids, I think it’s easier to put more time into work, but as your numbers increase, you need to put more energy into the family. Plus, frequent pregnancies also keep your earning potential down.

I think it’d be really hard to calculate how much income you lose by having kids. Who knows if you would have worked harder and longer, taken a job with more travelling, worked an extra job here and there without those kids?

But, although I’ve heard couples say that they won’t have more because of finances, I’ve never heard a couple say that they regret the children they have because of the finances.

One thing I am certain of–having too many material possessions or even a free education can be worse virtue wise for a kid than learning to sacrifice. And, another sibling is a greater gift for a child than yearly vacations or even private education.

My mom and dad limited their family size (to four kids) because of my mom’s anxiety over income. She grew up very, very poor. Now, she says she regrets doing so. I do, too. I wish I would have had a little brother or sister…

 

[Cat]

I have to say I disagree with this comment, that your sis-in-law lost her gamble. She was hoping for happiness, and instead got a child who developed cancer, and cost extreme amounts., But I would bet they wouldn’t trade their child for anything.
That is not a gamble. It’s a question of God’s will – He knows what he is doing with each family.
Happiness can still be found in these situations, in accepting God’s will and doing your best to work within it.It’s like saying that the life of a disabled person is a waste, because he can’t go skiing or swimming. God just has other plans for his life.

I am really, truly sorry if my post implies that my sister in law and her husband are unhappy and wish that their child had never been born.

NEVER!!!

She and her husband LOVE all three of their children, especially the boy with cancer. He is a charmer, a cutie, and hopefully will have many years ahead of him.

Of course their children are a gift from God.

When I say “they took a gamble and lost,” I am talking about the MONEY!

When someone has a baby, the hope is that the child will be normal and healthy and not cost any more than any other child. That’s what I mean by “gamble,” and I don’t mean that in a “Las Vegas-backroom-casino” way. I am saying that they “made an investment in having children” hoping, as we all do, not to lose money, and the investment didn’t work out the way they had hoped, because now they are in terrible, awful debt financially.

Yes, of course, they will make the best of it and love their children (and hopefully each other, although that is extremely strained by the double shifts that he is working to try to pay that debt). Of course God is with them through it all and will work it all out for the best.

But c’mon now, everyone, honestly, truly, now, would you be perfectly happy clappy if YOU were $750, 000.000 dollars in debt? That’s 3/4 of a million dollars, in case you’re not sure where my decimal point goes.

Yes, they love their kids, but they, like any normal people, hate their debt. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[Cat]

While we’re on the subject of kids and money, they aren’t always sink-holes for money.

One of our friends had a son who, when he went away to college, started a business out of his dorm room building websites. He netted one hundred thousand dollars in his first year. ($100,000.00).

Kids can earn scholarships, invent products, start companies, sell products, win prizes, write best sellers, get jobs, and save money. Sometimes kids even find treasure in their attic or in grandma’s basement–it’s rare, but it does happen.

So sometimes, taking that financial risk and having a child actually pays off financially!

Again, please don’t jump all over me and accuse me of being a wordly-minded mercenary when it comes to children. Of course we have children expecting only to love them.

But it’s nice when something like the above things happen. Right before my daughter and her new husband left for their honeymoon, they checked their email and learned that she had earned a $10,000 scholarship to grad school based on grades and attitude. Ca-Ching! We would have loved her if she hadn’t won the scholarship, but the money was an awfully nice wedding present!

 

[shannyk]

Cat, I’ve totally gotcha now, thank for elaborating.