Is it mean to tell someone they are terrible person if they are?

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CRATUS

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  • take advantage of people’s kindness and patience
    -free-loader
    -rude
    -disobedient to their parents
    -jealous & envious
    -backbiting
    -racial prejudices
    -judgmental and critical
    -impatience
    -violent, explosive anger
    -moody
    -immature
    -insecure
    -impulsive
    -irrational
    -sexually corrupt
    -vain
    -very sensitive/touchy yet very callous at times
    -inconsistencies
    -grudgeful and unforgiving
    -self-pitying
    The only good thing I see in this person is that she regularly attends mass, seeks professional counseling and seems to accept criticism with gracefully even though I never see her change. She IS NOT SELF-RIGHTEOUS AT ALL. She seems VERY WELL-AWARE OF HER SHORTCOMINGS.
    Some people say these criticisms are too much for someone to handle even if it is true.
    Some people say I should ease off with my criticisms because she hears criticisms quite often. Why can’t she just change her behavior so NO ONE WOULD SAY ANYTHING? SIMPLE!!!
 
I mean sometimes she slips back into that behavior and IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO TRUST HER. So I remind her of her mistakes to NOT repeat them.
 
CRATUS said:
  • take advantage of people’s kindness and patience
    -free-loader
    -rude
    -disobedient to their parents
    -jealous & envious
    -backbiting
    -racial prejudices
    -judgmental and critical
    -impatience
    -violent, explosive anger
    -moody
    -immature
    -insecure
    -impulsive
    -irrational
    -sexually corrupt
    -vain
    -very sensitive/touchy yet very callous at times
    -inconsistencies
    -grudgeful and unforgiving
    -self-pitying
    The only good thing I see in this person is that she regularly attends mass, seeks professional counseling and seems to accept criticism with gracefully even though I never see her change. She IS NOT SELF-RIGHTEOUS AT ALL. She seems VERY WELL-AWARE OF HER SHORTCOMINGS.
    Some people say these criticisms are too much for someone to handle even if it is true.
    Some people say I should ease off with my criticisms because she hears criticisms quite often. Why can’t she just change her behavior so NO ONE WOULD SAY ANYTHING? SIMPLE!!!
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Maybe the people around her should change and practice A LITTLE MORE CHARITY?
 
Catholic1954 said:
Maybe the people around her should change and practice A LITTLE MORE CHARITY?
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Realistically, she is not the EASIEST person to deal with. To be fair, even if all the above are true, it must be difficult hearing these things time and time again. Some of us are sick of her behavior and want to see her change. I guess it may be better to just leave her alone. She is an adult. She takes very personally and does not seem able to handle and swallow the truth as it is.
 
CRATUS,

It is not your place to tell anyone to improve their behavior unless you have either **authority **or influence over them. If you do not have either of these things, it would probably be wise to keep your mouth shut.

You can, in charity, try to encourage this person to behave better by suggestion.

For example, if this person is speaking disrespectfully about someone, you could praise them instead, point out the good things about them, and say that “gossip does no one any good”.

You can always be a good example, but unless you have influence or authority, you can’t speak directly to the problem.

Avoidance may be the best solution.
 
Maybe if you think this person is “terrible”, and you know they are not interested in what you have to say, you should either:
  1. accept it, accept her as she is, and lower your expectations
or
  1. move away and cool off your friendship with her.
If she’s as terrible as you say, your ‘friendship’ isn’t doing either of you any good. If she isn’t but won’t listen to you, then your ‘friendship’ isn’t doing either of you any good. If she isn’t what you say and you are constantly correcting her, this ‘friendship’ doing either of you any good.

Why do you spend time with a person you don’t seem to like?

Lou
 
On reflection of your post, I want to say that maybe you should lower your expectations of this person regardless of whether you remain friends with them or not. I would argue that it can be quite self-important to expect people to change just because you say they should. It can also be considered as self important for you to keep telling her about her flaws when you know she is sensitive to them. You might say to that that she shouldn’t be so sensitive - but she is not you, and you can’t impose how you would react to something on her and form a negative opinion about her from it. This isn’t a criticism of you personally, because many people, including myself, are guilty of this.

In your OP, you’ve listed 21 things you see as her being a “terrible person”. I genuinely don’t understand why you keep this ‘friendship’ with her. It’s not good for you to be in a friendship where all you can see of another person is their flaws, and it’s not good for them, either. I don’t think people need to be told of their past mistakes and flaws to make sure they don’t repeat them. I don’t think it does either of you any good to continue it, because it might make you feel as though you are being a good person, but it may just make her feel worse, and like she can’t move on from what she’s done in the past. Again, this isn’t a criticism of you personally, and I don’t mean to imply motives for why you may do something, I’m just considering possibilities.

Lou
 
** Why can’t she just change her behavior so NO ONE WOULD SAY ANYTHING? SIMPLE!!!**

Are you serious?

Be nice to your friend, otherwise move on with your life- like concentrating on work, finding mature friends, and looking to your future; don’t be concerned with other people’s problems.
 
Lou2U said:
On reflection of your post, I want to say that maybe you should lower your expectations of this person regardless of whether you remain friends with them or not.** I would argue that it can be quite self-important to expect people to change** just because you say they should. It can also be considered as self important for you to keep telling her about her flaws when you know she is sensitive to them. You might say to that that she shouldn’t be so sensitive - but she is not you, and you can’t impose how you would react to something on her and form a negative opinion about her from it. This isn’t a criticism of you personally, because many people, including myself, are guilty of this.

In your OP, you’ve listed 21 things you see as her being a “terrible person”. I genuinely don’t understand why you keep this ‘friendship’ with her. It’s not good for you to be in a friendship where all you can see of another person is their flaws, and it’s not good for them, either. I don’t think people need to be told of their past mistakes and flaws to make sure they don’t repeat them. I don’t think it does either of you any good to continue it, because it might make you feel as though you are being a good person, but it may just make her feel worse, and like she can’t move on from what she’s done in the past. Again, this isn’t a criticism of you personally, and I don’t mean to imply motives for why you may do something, I’m just considering possibilities.

Lou
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yeah.
That ^^

If she’s that horrible, walk away. Or wait until she gets sick of the lectures.
Does she believe you are some kind of moral authority? Sounds like she doesn’t. 🤷
Why are you obsessing about this?

“sexually corrupt”? Really?
That ALONE should tell you that you can’t hang with her.
:confused:
 
Cratus,
Whenever you encounter someone who is aggravating you, you should just pray for them. don’t get mad at them, don’t vent to people about them, just say a Hail Mary for them and move on. If they have hurt you, offer that trial up, too.

By doing this, you will be doing the best thing you can for them, and by thus putting them in the hands of God, you will be much happier–a nice side-effect 🙂
 
Rule of thumb: ask yourself if the way and circumstances in which you express these would able her to help better herself? What is her personality and situation like? Is she sensitive, or going through a hard time, and so will be more likely to take criticism badly? Does she actually want to better herself?

Even more importantly: ask yourself if your intention is to help her with her faults, or are they to hurt her? Are you trying to build her up with constructive criticism or bring her down with destructive criticism?

Finally, is it necessary to tell her about these things?

Christi pax.
 
Lucretius said:
Rule of thumb: ask yourself if the way and circumstances in which you express these would able her to help better herself? What is her personality and situation like? Is she sensitive, or going through a hard time, and so will be more likely to take criticism badly? Does she actually want to better herself?

Even more importantly: ask yourself if your intention is to help her with her faults, or are they to hurt her? Are you trying to build her up with constructive criticism or bring her down with destructive criticism?

Finally, is it necessary to tell her about these things?

Christi pax.
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Passive-aggressive and short-tempered. She is very impulsive, irrational, insecure and very sensitive. You cannot seem to chill-out and take a joke. She is always edgy and worrying. Very easily becomes obsessive with things. She will listen to criticism gracefully at times. She seems to always want others to be as miserable as her. Living in her own little world all the time. Life does not revolve around her. I’m trying to get her to see the bigger picture. No matter how many attempts, she does not seem to see it. All she can see is her own problems. Some people think perhaps if more people critique her, she will eventually wake up and change and see how much of a burden she is on others. I am never going to condone her behavior. I will tell her she is wrong promptly so she will change. Everything people say seems to go in one ear out the other. She seems to be itching for a reason to pop off on someone. I wish she didn’t think she was so self-important sometimes. There is no humility there.
 
PelagiathePenit said:
Passive-aggressive and short-tempered. She is very impulsive, irrational, insecure and very sensitive. You cannot seem to chill-out and take a joke. She is always edgy and worrying. Very easily becomes obsessive with things. She will listen to criticism gracefully at times. She seems to always want others to be as miserable as her. Living in her own little world all the time. Life does not revolve around her. I’m trying to get her to see the bigger picture. No matter how many attempts, she does not seem to see it. All she can see is her own problems. Some people think perhaps if more people critique her, she will eventually wake up and change and see how much of a burden she is on others. I am never going to condone her behavior. I will tell her she is wrong promptly so she will change. Everything people say seems to go in one ear out the other. She seems to be itching for a reason to pop off on someone. I wish she didn’t think she was so self-important sometimes. There is no humility there.
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So, you know the person CRATUS is speaking of???
 
PelagiathePenit said:
Passive-aggressive and short-tempered. She is very impulsive, irrational, insecure and very sensitive. You cannot seem to chill-out and take a joke. She is always edgy and worrying. Very easily becomes obsessive with things. She will listen to criticism gracefully at times. She seems to always want others to be as miserable as her. Living in her own little world all the time. Life does not revolve around her. I’m trying to get her to see the bigger picture. No matter how many attempts, she does not seem to see it. All she can see is her own problems. Some people think perhaps if more people critique her, she will eventually wake up and change and see how much of a burden she is on others. I am never going to condone her behavior. I will tell her she is wrong promptly so she will change. Everything people say seems to go in one ear out the other. She seems to be itching for a reason to pop off on someone. I wish she didn’t think she was so self-important sometimes. There is no humility there.
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Are you Pelagia, Cratus, or both?
 
CRATUS said:
Realistically, she is not the EASIEST person to deal with. To be fair, even if all the above are true, it must be difficult hearing these things time and time again. Some of us are sick of her behavior and want to see her change. I guess it may be better to just leave her alone. She is an adult. She takes very personally and does not seem able to handle and swallow the truth as it is.
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I sympathise with you . … because any answer to this would be easier said than done. To some extent I agree that it is ‘better to just leave her alone’, but that would be like you are at your wit end and do not want to try anymore.

If she’s someone that matters to you in some ways, you’d probably try to be supportive of her, which is extremely difficult, what with all the factors you listed out. From a Christian point of view, it would be just to love the person. Like Jesus said, what’s there to love if the person is easy to love and can love us back (paraphrase). The real challenge in Christian love is to love when others cannot.

I would say and if you can, is to be nice and be supportive to the person and to absorb all her idiosyncrasies even if it means you feel like murdering somebody. Maybe consider her a specimen or a case study where if she hurts you, you wouldn’t take it personally. 😃

Good luck.
 
Generally, it is only prudent to give chastisement if you have influence or authority over somebody.

So whether or not it would be okay to come out and use a strong word such as “terrible” is if it would seem beneficial to correcting the evil. A splash of cold water, as opposed to a mother’s nudge.
 
Yes of course it is!

Even if you were in a position of authority to necessitate you saying anything at all about this persons behavior, you still wouldn’t flat out call this person a “terrible person.”

Seriously, would you want someone to call you a “terrible person?” :ehh:

Do you not possess at least one (if not several) of these unfavorable characteristics of which you are accusing this person of having?
 
There’s only one person that comes to mind this holiday season who is the perfect one to call someone mean, and that’s the Narrator from Dr. Seuss’ “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” …

"You’re a foul one, Mr. Grinch.
You’re a nasty, wasty skunk.
Your heart is full of unwashed socks
Your soul is full of gunk Mr. Grinch.

The three words that best describe you,
Are, and I quote: “Stink. Stank. Stunk.”

~~ Songwriters: Albert Hague / Theodor S. Geisel

http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net...est/scale-to-width-down/180?cb=20130224213255

…
 
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