Is it Ok to use a real time GPS to track my vow-breaking husband's whereabouts?

[masondoggy]

Here’s my experience with a cheating husband…take from it what you wish.

For the first two years of our marriage, my husband cheated with my cousin, he was never home, running around with his friends all the time, his friends hated me, started a business with his brother that hid assets from me deliberately.

When I found out about the cheating, we split up for several months and I was about to file for divorce. DH realized what he was about to give up, and came back and tried to save our marriage. On his own, without me telling him to, asking him to, or even suggesting it, he gave up all the friends that caused problems between us, he ended the business with his brother and went and got a job, he completely stopped going out. Completely. He stayed home. If he went somewhere, it was with me. He made sure he wasn’t ever doing anything that would give me a reason to be suspicious of him. We are now together almost 11 years later and we have a strong, happy marriage. Because he made the changes in his life that had to be made, I was able to rebuild my trust in him. It took a few years, but I was able to do it because I could clearly see the effort he was putting in.

So, if your husband doesn’t voluntarily make the changes that need to be made to save your marriage and get your trust back, most likely he’s still getting those lap dances…and possibly more. You have your answer. You don’t need a GPS to confirm it.

 

[ChosenAndCalled]

If you plant a GPS, which in my opinion is not only a huge mistake, but also a declaration of war against your husband, then be prepared to have him find it and confront you with it. Perhaps it’s the deal ender that he’s looking for, Maybe he decides that he cannot live with a controlling person who shows such lack of ability to forgive and move on.

Are you ready for that?

I also want to be clear, that I have not condoned his behavior. It is wrong and sinful. That, however, does not justify this level of specious behavior on your part. Be angry and do not sin. It feels like you’re in a war, not a marriage.

You want your husband to shower you with affection, presents and romance. What does he get in return? A loving, respectful wife who embraces him in spite of his horrible mistakes? A woman who welcomes his presence, reaffirms his male role, comes alongside him as a helpmate? Not the picture I’m getting here.

He has commited horrible acts, but I sense that if he posted here, we’d see some rather non-charitable acts on you part as well. I sense that he has given up and is just living his life as best he can. Not an excuse, again - I say that because I’m not Catholic and the rather rude lambaste about not embracing Catholic morals was off-putting. He must put off his old habits and should seek true forgiveness. But, if he has told you he will not go there anymore and you resort to such duplicitous means to track him, there is no coming back if he finds out.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

If you plant a GPS, which in my opinion is not only a huge mistake, but also a declaration of war against your husband, then be prepared to have him find it and confront you with it. Perhaps it’s the deal ender that he’s looking for, Maybe he decides that he cannot live with a controlling person who shows such lack of ability to forgive and move on.

THAT is uncharitable.

When a marriage has been violated so many times that the idea even enters a wife’s head that she needs to take this measure because she is sure she’s being played for a fool again, it’s not about being “controlling.”

And you can’t forgive when someone isn’t even sorry and won’t stop doing what they’re demanding you to forgive.

And you can’t move on when the other person keeps doing the thing that breaks your heart.

I agree that if she hides a GPS and he finds it, it will give him an excuse to walk. But he’s already half out the door now anyway isn’t he? She’s looking for the truth about him. Because deep down she doesn’t feel she’s getting it from his mouth. Obviously his word is not his bond.

But keep making excuses for him and blaming her and justifying his behavior. Yes, you are.

You don’t tell me anything about the OP and the husband, but you make me wonder about you and what you do that you have the need to pile onto a woman who is watching her marriage go down the tubes.

No normal wife is okay with her husband getting lap dances. I’m sure your wife would allow it and you’d order her to forgive you and move on, but most people don’t go for that kind of behavior in a marriage. Just saying.

Masondoggy wrote a very good post about how a husband behaves who is really trying to fix his marriage and repair broken trust.

 

[masha]

If you plant a GPS, which in my opinion is not only a huge mistake, but also a declaration of war against your husband, then be prepared to have him find it and confront you with it. Perhaps it’s the deal ender that he’s looking for, Maybe he decides that he cannot live with a controlling person who shows such lack of ability to forgive and move on.

Are you ready for that?

I also want to be clear, that I have not condoned his behavior. It is wrong and sinful. That, however, does not justify this level of specious behavior on your part. Be angry and do not sin. It feels like you’re in a war, not a marriage.

You want your husband to shower you with affection, presents and romance. What does he get in return? A loving, respectful wife who embraces him in spite of his horrible mistakes? A woman who welcomes his presence, reaffirms his male role, comes alongside him as a helpmate? Not the picture I’m getting here.

He has commited horrible acts, but I sense that if he posted here, we’d see some rather non-charitable acts on you part as well. I sense that he has given up and is just living his life as best he can. Not an excuse, again - I say that because I’m not Catholic and the rather rude lambaste about not embracing Catholic morals was off-putting. He must put off his old habits and should seek true forgiveness. But, if he has told you he will not go there anymore and you resort to such duplicitous means to track him, there is no coming back if he finds out.

I completely agree with Chosen and Called. This behaviour is completely unacceptable. That’s not to say his was acceptable, but you seem to be searching for an excuse to leave him. You can’t expect him to make up to you with gifts and trips when you are treating him with so little love and respect.

Try to talk to him without bringing up his mistakes, ask where he thinks your marriage began to get off track, and then listen, without getting angry or defensive. You might be surprised. I’m not defending his past actions, but you should try taking him at his word, he said he would never do it again, that he’s sorry he hurt you. You spying on his movements with a GPS will only show him that you lack the ability to forgive him, and to love him again after his fall.

 

[whatevergirl]

***Question for the OP;

Is your husband not home at night a lot? Like does he say he is going out with the guys, a lot, and you feel he isn’t? There has to be a reason why you are suspicious to begin with…if he is at work all day, then I’d believe he is at work all day. But, if my husband was frequenting strip clubs for years, then stopped…but still was disappearing at night, telling me he was hanging out with friends…I’d wonder why he wouldn’t want to be home with me, trying to get things back on track. So, is he not home a lot at night, and this is why you are thinking he’s back at it, again? ***

 

[masha]

THAT is uncharitable.

When a marriage has been violated so many times that the idea even enters a wife’s head that she needs to take this measure because she is sure she’s being played for a fool again, it’s not about being “controlling.”

And you can’t forgive when someone isn’t even sorry and won’t stop doing what they’re demanding you to forgive.

And you can’t move on when the other person keeps doing the thing that breaks your heart.

I agree that if she hides a GPS and he finds it, it will give him an excuse to walk. But he’s already half out the door now anyway isn’t he? She’s looking for the truth about him. Because deep down she doesn’t feel she’s getting it from his mouth. Obviously his word is not his bond.

But keep making excuses for him and blaming her and justifying his behavior. Yes, you are.

You don’t tell me anything about the OP and the husband, but you make me wonder about you and what you do that you have the need to pile onto a woman who is watching her marriage go down the tubes.

No normal wife is okay with her husband getting lap dances. I’m sure your wife would allow it and you’d order her to forgive you and move on, but most people don’t go for that kind of behavior in a marriage. Just saying.

Your post is completely uncharitable. Please don’t make such slanderous assumptions about people simply because they see the OP’s actions in a different light. He said multiple times that the OP’s husband was in the wrong. The OP’s behaviour is wrong, if she is failing to forgive (I said “forgive” not “forget as if nothing happened and move on”) and failing to allow her husband to fix his marriage in his own way. Gifts and trips are not anyway to fix a marriage, they are only a surface remedy, perhaps her husband wants figure out if his marriage is worth fixing, if his wife actually still loves him; or maybe he would rather not draw anymore attention to his fall than it is already recieving. Her husband has told her he’s sorry, why is that so impossible to believe? Without understanding her reasons he has apologized and promised not to do it again - why do you assume he’s so complete a liar and a heartless wretch?

Please show some charity, not all people view strip-clubs in the same way. I know many basically good men who wouldn’t even imagine their wives would feel betrayed by a lap-dance. That doesn’t mean they’re right, they don’t have a full understanding, but they aren’t monsters either.

 

[Tosk]

Please show some charity, not all people view strip-clubs in the same way. I know many basically good men who wouldn’t even imagine their wives would feel betrayed by a lap-dance. That doesn’t mean they’re right, they don’t have a full understanding, but they aren’t monsters either.

I am guessing that the OP’s husband hasn’t been letting her know when he goes to a strip club. The lying is probably the worst part about the whole situation. Even if he saw no problem with going to a strip club he still knew it would hurt his wife’s feelings and he had to hide it from her.

I know what you’re saying though. All of the men in our office try to get together once a month for a trip to strip club. They let their wives know where they are going and apparently no one but me sees any problem with frequenting strip clubs.

 

[ChosenAndCalled]

THAT is uncharitable.

But keep making excuses for him and blaming her and justifying his behavior. Yes, you are.

So me one word that did not condemn his actions in my post and I’ll apologize. Re-read, this time without thinking that anyone who criticizes a woman is a mysognist, my posts and see that I - multiple times - condemn his actions. I’m just not giving her a free pass because of it.

I think you owe me an apology. This is as close to slander as this board gets.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Folks, it’s about the OP, not about us. We all have opinions, unless you’ve walked a mile in the OP’s shoes, you don’t know what it might feel like to have a husband chronically lying to you, and having lap dances…I have never had to go through this, but when I place myself in her shoes, it hurts. I hope he is repentant, but from the sounds of it, it doesn’t seem so. ‘I’m sorry,’ and then disappearing at night (this is an assumption on my part,but there would be no other reason to be suspicious if he comes home after work, and stays home most nights) leaving the OP wondering where he is…is wrong. I wouldn’t install a GPS…but I would try to get to the bottom of it. *

 

[Renny]

In my experience, using a GPS is only going to make you more unsettled in your thinking. When I was married to a sex addict, I often thought that if I knew more, actually knew what was really happening, then I’d be able to make a decision about our marriage, and I already knew A LOT, just like you.
The thing that really helped me in a very similar situation was attending s-anon meetings.
You may know this already, but there is a group, similar to AA called SA for Sexaholics Anonymous. The partner group is like Al-Anon, called S-Anon. They are all 12 step programs & you can attend S-Anon even if your husband is unwilling to acknowledge he has a problem. If there are no meetings in your area, there used to be & probably still are, on-line meetings.
One of the premises of S-Anon is that snooping is just going to make a person crazier & I found this to be true for me.

I want to acknowledge that his actions are not okay & that the lying to cover it up is a symptom of his addiction. I understand where you are in your thinking & encourage you to take care of yourself, physically, spiritually & emotionally.
As difficult as it is, I hope you can turn the focus to yourself & away from his addiction.
Some may say that his actions do not constitute a sex addiction, but what really matters is how it affects you-you have obviously been harmed by it- & what you do to take care of yourself.

I hope you can find meetings to attend & I hope you can find a copy of the 12 step book for S-Anon to read.
Additionally, I have found that when I am in relationship w/an addict, being my husband or just a friend, there is something in me that drew me to this person to begin with & if I can work on myself to make myself a healthier person, then I lessen the chances of suffering this way in the future.
Also, when I have found myself strugging with what action to take next & worrying myself over one particular thing to the point of exhaustion, that was when I most needed to take a step back from focusing on the other person & really focusing on myself.
Confronting an addict is not always a good decision, either, as they see they have no problem & no amount of your “reasoning” is going to make it clear to him, I promise.
He (in this case) must see it on his own.
You do not have to make a decision today or even next week.
I just found sanon.org is still a valid website.

I am sorry you are hurting.
Renny

 

[shannyk]

OP I’m just popping in here to ask…did you know your husband had this unhealthy and glib attitude towards seeking affections form other women before you got married??

It seems to me the root of this problem isn’t going to go away without some serious change of heart and mind GPS or not because he doesn’t know (notice I said know not think…there is no place for subjectivity here) that it’s wrong.

Is he Catholic? Have the two of you gotten some Catholic guidance on this? To me, that would be imperative to fixing this if there is any fixing to be had. There is a much deeper problem here that needs to be addressed.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

So me one word that did not condemn his actions in my post and I’ll apologize. Re-read, this time without thinking that anyone who criticizes a woman is a mysognist, my posts and see that I - multiple times - condemn his actions. I’m just not giving her a free pass because of it.

I think you owe me an apology. This is as close to slander as this board gets.

Slander is verbally repeating lies about someone else to destroy their good name.

I did not do that.

Yes, you did say some of his actions were wrong, but then you went on to make excuses for him and blame her and justify his behavior.

Let’s take a look:

But keep making excuses for him and blaming her and justifying his behavior. Yes, you are.

If you plant a GPS, which in my opinion is not only a huge mistake, but also a declaration of war against your husband, **(BLAMING HER) **then be prepared to have him find it and confront you with it. Perhaps it’s the deal ender that he’s looking for, Maybe he decides that he cannot live with a controlling person who shows such lack of ability to forgive and move on. (MAKING EXCUSE FOR HIM, BLAMING HER AND JUSTIFYING HIS BEHAVIOR)
Are you ready for that?

I also want to be clear, that I have not condoned his behavior. It is wrong and sinful. That, however, does not justify this level of specious behavior on your part.** (BLAMING HER) ** Be angry and do not sin. It feels like you’re in a war, not a marriage. **(BLAMING HER)**You want your husband to shower you with affection, presents and romance. What does he get in return? A loving, respectful wife who embraces him in spite of his horrible mistakes? A woman who welcomes his presence, reaffirms his male role, comes alongside him as a helpmate? Not the picture I’m getting here. **(BLAMING HER. JUSTIFYING HIS BEHAVIOR) **
He has commited horrible acts, but I sense that if he posted here, we’d see some rather non-charitable acts on you part as well. (BLAMING HER) I sense that he has given up and is just living his life as best he can. (MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM AND JUSTIFYING HIS BEHAVIOR. HOW DO YOU KNOW HE’S LIVING HIS LIFE THE BEST HE CAN???) ** Not an excuse, again - I say that because I’m not Catholic and the rather rude lambaste about not embracing Catholic morals was off-putting. He must put off his old habits and should seek true forgiveness. But, if he has told you he will not go there anymore and you resort to such duplicitous means to track him, there is no coming back if he finds out. ** (BLAMING HER)

Nowhere did I say anyone who comes here criticizing her is a mysogynist.

This is a woman whose trust in her husband has been destroyed. Just because he said he wouldn’t go there, she should believe him? Apparently he has integrity issues and his word isn’t what yours may be to your wife.

She wonders if she is being played for a fool. She asked us if it was okay to put a GPS in his car so that she would know for once and for all if her trust was misplaced, if there was any reason to keep trying to make a marriage work with a man who has stopped showing her he loves her.

And she gets from you that she is the one driving him away because she doesn’t “reaffirm his male role” (which a bunch of people have told her should be his free pass to lap dances and bumps and grinds and watching naked women because that’s how men are(!?)

I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she is trying to be his helpmate and trying to make it work (because she did not leave him long ago like many women would have.)

So again, I’m just calling you out on the fact that you seem more interested in her rewarding his bad behavior (which will make him think she’s okay with feeling like she’s being lied to) than in her own peace of mind.

If this man gave her peace of mind, she wouldn’t feel the need to put anything in his car.

Go back and read Masondoggy’s post about how husbands who WANT their marriages to work repair them.

 

[CAmeliaD]

I see a huge problem with the GPS tracking. It seems sneaky and distrustful. Yes, I understand that you don’t trust him, but that doesn’t give you freedom to disregard treating him with respect and to treat him like property to be monitored. Uphold his dignity, don’t put a collar on him. He may not deserve your respect based on actions, but based on his humanity he does.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

The man doesn’t uphold his own dignity. There is no dignity in sitting in a chair while watching strange women dancing, leering at them, and letting them do things to you like that.

And he is not upholding the dignity of his wife by honoring his marriage vows.

I repeat, by the time it gets to a situation where she is considering physically tracking his whereabouts because the trust is so broken, there really isn’t a lot to work with.

And that is sad.

And unless you’ve been in this position, don’t judge how being lied to like that can affect someone’s emotions.

 

[ChosenAndCalled]

I will repeat for the umpteenth time, what he did was wrong; he needs to seek full forgiveness and assure her that he is through with this behavior.

Still, what I cannot understand is the utter dismissal of the vow breaking on her part as well. Well, that is strong, since I do not know what vows they took, but often we take voews to honor and respect our spouse. Is spying on him respect? Is continually refering to him as “vow breaking” in every monotonous thread honoring him? How is she strengthing her marriage by her actions? How are Christians on this board helping her by giving her a pass to sin just because her husband has sinned. That’s not blaming her for his sins, that’s calling her attention to her own behavior.

We get it: she is angry and vindictive over the terrible acts of her husband. She can be angry, that’s allowed. She should not be vindictive, however, unless she wants the marriage to end. This spiral of doom that she is participating in (along with her husband who is alos at fault for the spiral) is not going to save her marriage; we’re not helping her by patting her on the back and telling her that this behavior is acceptable.

We can say she is wrong without blaming her for her husband’s actions. Making specious links of causuality is just being silly. They are both wrong, for different reasons. They are both destroying their marriage. And, in my opinion, anyone who encourages her to employ such duplicitious methods is adding fuel to the fire.

Someone needs to stop the cycle and start the healing. If he won’t, she must, or they can pack it in. Maybe it’s not fair, but it is reality. No marriage can survive when both parties are acting like petulant children - which, in my opinion, they both are here.

Again, no I’m not Catholic, but I’m not saying anything that a Catholic would find against the teachings of their church; I’m also not blaming her for her husband’s original sin, I do suspect she is punishing him a lot and he is responding by withholding from her the things she wants (romance, time, compassion and tenderness).

I do not understand how anyone could defend her behavior on this issue; it’s simply at odds with a Christian marriage - especially for those who believe it to be a vocation and a sacrament.

If her husband posted here, I’d have equally harsh things to say to him.

 

[masondoggy]

I will repeat for the umpteenth time, what he did was wrong; he needs to seek full forgiveness and assure her that he is through with this behavior.

Still, what I cannot understand is the utter dismissal of the vow breaking on her part as well. Well, that is strong, since I do not know what vows they took, but often we take voews to honor and respect our spouse. Is spying on him respect? Is continually refering to him as “vow breaking” in every monotonous thread honoring him? How is she strengthing her marriage by her actions? How are Christians on this board helping her by giving her a pass to sin just because her husband has sinned. That’s not blaming her for his sins, that’s calling her attention to her own behavior.

We get it: she is angry and vindictive over the terrible acts of her husband. She can be angry, that’s allowed. She should not be vindictive, however, unless she wants the marriage to end. This spiral of doom that she is participating in (along with her husband who is alos at fault for the spiral) is not going to save her marriage; we’re not helping her by patting her on the back and telling her that this behavior is acceptable.

We can say she is wrong without blaming her for her husband’s actions. Making specious links of causuality is just being silly. They are both wrong, for different reasons. They are both destroying their marriage. And, in my opinion, anyone who encourages her to employ such duplicitious methods is adding fuel to the fire.

Someone needs to stop the cycle and start the healing. If he won’t, she must, or they can pack it in. Maybe it’s not fair, but it is reality. No marriage can survive when both parties are acting like petulant children - which, in my opinion, they both are here.

Again, no I’m not Catholic, but I’m not saying anything that a Catholic would find against the teachings of their church; I’m also not blaming her for her husband’s original sin, I do suspect she is punishing him a lot and he is responding by withholding from her the things she wants (romance, time, compassion and tenderness).

I do not understand how anyone could defend her behavior on this issue; it’s simply at odds with a Christian marriage - especially for those who believe it to be a vocation and a sacrament.

If her husband posted here, I’d have equally harsh things to say to him.

I fail to see how putting a GPS on her husbands car is vindictive. It may not be the right thing to do, but vindictive? Have YOU ever been in a position where you suspected your husband was cheating on you? Have YOU ever sat in fear, wondering what kinds of diseases your husband could be bringing home to you? Have YOU ever sat there in the middle of the night on the living room floor in the dark waiting for him to come home?

Let me tell you something: It is pure HELL to not know. You are literally stuck in limbo because you don’t want to leave a marriage not knowing for sure, because what if you were wrong and you threw your marriage out the window for nothing? You don’t want take the risk of staying and getting diseases and living a complete lie. So what do you do? You can’t make any decisions until you know for sure. That’s certainly no easy task unless you follow him somehow. How else do you find out? There is no other way to find out! I got lucky because somebody finally got the guts up to TELL ME what was going on. Not everybody gets that lucky.

I’m not saying she should follow her husband or put a GPS on his car. But I can certainly understand her temptation to do it and it has NOTHING to do with being vindictive! Unless you have been there before, you just will not ever understand.

 

[whatevergirl]

*I don’t see any difference in the GPS (although I don’t think I’d go that route) and tracking a husband’s internet usage, to see if he is viewing porn? Or hiring a PI to see if one’s spouse is cheating? If the husband hadn’t caused the mistrust for YEARS, the OP wouldn’t feel the need to see if he’s telling the truth. He brought the situation upon the marriage, not her. Now, if he was doing ALL the right things to show repentance, as you speak of with your husband masondoggy…totally different story. But, sounds like he is still going out a lot, and the OP is left wondering…again.

I don’t know personally, if I could stay married to someone I had no respect or trust for…just don’t know. *

 

[ChosenAndCalled]

While I may not have “been there” emotionally, and I do not dismiss the fears of someone who has, we are clearly called to a certain form of life in Christ and this is not part of it. This is vindictive when you read the entireity of her posts and get the overall picture. She is looking for him to mess up.

Now, I say the next part with a risk of making someone think I’m suggesting he’s not doing wrong. Please read what I am writing, not what you want to read.

The risk of social disease is rather insiginificant if - and this is the big “if”, isn’t it - he is still getting lap dances. If a lap dance entails him being fully clothed, I don’t see how the disk is much higher than using a public restroom. Yes, there is the possibility, but remote. This is not sexual activity, it is my understanding that he must not touch the girls in any way. It is still significantly wrong, don’t get me wrong.

The risk of VD is not worth either the damage to her own soul for the lying she is doing to her husband (lying by omission) or her marriage if he is not going to strip clubs and he finds out what she is doing.

Remember, he claims to refrain now. If she needs to check, then she can check other was: track money, call him on his cell phone, look for evidence. These are not direct assaults against him like the GPS is.

She posed the original question, my answer has been “no” the entire time. This is not because I support him or think he is behaving in an acceptable way. It is because what she is proposing is wrong and will only damage her marriage. If she can’t trust him enough without the GPS, then she should seperate and see how things go.

It’s like going to a restaurant and ordering soup, but following the waitress around to see if anyone spits in it. If you don’t trust them to be honorable with your soup, then don’t eat there.

She needs to really figure out what she wants to do in her marriage, then either seperate and life apart or start actively working to heal her marriage.

 

[shannyk]

I fail to see how putting a GPS on her husbands car is vindictive.

So do I.

If my hone was burglarized I would go get an alarm system and a gun to protect myself and my family.

If I was mugged on the street I’d take a self defense class to protect myself.

She has been wronged grievously, and feels the need to protect herself from having it happen again. She should. He has shown a pattern of lying and adulterous behavior, why does he deserve to POOF all of a sudden be trusted? He should be forgiven yes, we’re commanded to forgive, but she’s not required to be naive.

This woman wants to reconcile with her husband, she’s going to counseling with him so she has shown good faith in that sense. But from what we have been told he hasn’t made a good faith effort to make her know that he takes the issue to heart, wants to change and is resolved to. He doesn’t even think what he did was wrong!

Sad thing is, if she just keeps taking him back without question and years down the line he leaves or their marriage falls apart, and she comes here for advice everyone will say “why did you take that from him”.

 

[BillP]

We’ve been in counseling for four months. But I’m stuck with, “I saw nothing wrong with it. I promise never to do it again.”

What more do you want?

He has apologized,

He has agreed to accommodate you by not engaging in behavior that you disapprove of.

What are you looking for?

I ask this because it seems that there are two separate issues here a) how he defines infidelity and b) whether he is continuing the behavior.

I submit that you can’t “fix” how he defines infidelity, you can only require that he agree to live by your definition, which he seems to be doing.

It sounds like you only think he’s still doing it because he didn’t see anything wrong with it in the first place.

Just my $.02