Is it Ok to use a real time GPS to track my vow-breaking husband's whereabouts?

[kage_ar]

OP I’m just popping in here to ask…did you know your husband had this unhealthy and glib attitude towards seeking affections form other women before you got married??

Bumping as this is a very important bit of information.

 

[e3342]

I completely agree with Chosen and Called. This behaviour is completely unacceptable. That’s not to say his was acceptable, but you seem to be searching for an excuse to leave him. You can’t expect him to make up to you with gifts and trips when you are treating him with so little love and respect.

Try to talk to him without bringing up his mistakes, ask where he thinks your marriage began to get off track, and then listen, without getting angry or defensive. You might be surprised. I’m not defending his past actions, but you should try taking him at his word, he said he would never do it again, that he’s sorry he hurt you. You spying on his movements with a GPS will only show him that you lack the ability to forgive him, and to love him again after his fall.

What makes you two assume I am being nasty to my husband? Have I said that? And, by the way, you are WRONG.

 

[e3342]

While I may not have “been there” emotionally, and I do not dismiss the fears of someone who has, we are clearly called to a certain form of life in Christ and this is not part of it. This is vindictive when you read the entireity of her posts and get the overall picture. She is looking for him to mess up.

Now, I say the next part with a risk of making someone think I’m suggesting he’s not doing wrong. Please read what I am writing, not what you want to read.

The risk of social disease is rather insiginificant if - and this is the big “if”, isn’t it - he is still getting lap dances. If a lap dance entails him being fully clothed, I don’t see how the disk is much higher than using a public restroom. Yes, there is the possibility, but remote. This is not sexual activity, it is my understanding that he must not touch the girls in any way. It is still significantly wrong, don’t get me wrong.

The risk of VD is not worth either the damage to her own soul for the lying she is doing to her husband (lying by omission) or her marriage if he is not going to strip clubs and he finds out what she is doing.

Remember, he claims to refrain now. If she needs to check, then she can check other was: track money, call him on his cell phone, look for evidence. These are not direct assaults against him like the GPS is.

She posed the original question, my answer has been “no” the entire time. This is not because I support him or think he is behaving in an acceptable way. It is because what she is proposing is wrong and will only damage her marriage. If she can’t trust him enough without the GPS, then she should seperate and see how things go.

It’s like going to a restaurant and ordering soup, but following the waitress around to see if anyone spits in it. If you don’t trust them to be honorable with your soup, then don’t eat there.

She needs to really figure out what she wants to do in her marriage, then either seperate and life apart or start actively working to heal her marriage.

The lap dances included him putting his hands and mouth on their bodies. He told me that. Since his actions are showing me that he either doesn’t love me anymore, or is possibly still doing it, I must find out the truth on my own. He always leaves his cell phone at home when he is out, so I can’t call him. And, like my other ‘monotonous’ post said, he said he got Peyronie’s disease from the lap dances. Research says this is almost always caused by rough intercourse, (sometimes by diabetes which he doesn’t have). I just need to know the truth.

 

[e3342]

***Question for the OP;

Is your husband not home at night a lot? Like does he say he is going out with the guys, a lot, and you feel he isn’t? There has to be a reason why you are suspicious to begin with…if he is at work all day, then I’d believe he is at work all day. But, if my husband was frequenting strip clubs for years, then stopped…but still was disappearing at night, telling me he was hanging out with friends…I’d wonder why he wouldn’t want to be home with me, trying to get things back on track. So, is he not home a lot at night, and this is why you are thinking he’s back at it, again? ***

He has his own business where he often goes out on appointments in the middle or end of the day. He could possibly have free time at any time during the day. I am only suspicious because he is not doing anything to win back my trust or make me feel secure. Plus he has lied to me a few times about little things, but lies none the less, since he confessed to getting lap dances.

 

[e3342]

OP I’m just popping in here to ask…did you know your husband had this unhealthy and glib attitude towards seeking affections form other women before you got married??

It seems to me the root of this problem isn’t going to go away without some serious change of heart and mind GPS or not because he doesn’t know (notice I said know not think…there is no place for subjectivity here) that it’s wrong.

Is he Catholic? Have the two of you gotten some Catholic guidance on this? To me, that would be imperative to fixing this if there is any fixing to be had. There is a much deeper problem here that needs to be addressed.

No, he occasionally went to watch go-go dancers, but never this. I had no idea that he had this glib attitude. If any young people are reading this, ASK questions before you get married!!! If I had known this I would never have married him.

 

[flyingfish]

He has his own business where he often goes out on appointments in the middle or end of the day. He could possibly have free time at any time during the day.** I am only suspicious because he is not doing anything to win back my trust or make me feel secure.** Plus he has lied to me a few times about little things, but lies none the less, since he confessed to getting lap dances.

If you want to go the route of him showing affection to you, you have be sweet, forgiving, respectful, appreciative and all those things.

You don’t trust your husband to the extent that you want to put a GPS in his car, maybe it shows in your demeanor towards him. It’s hard to be affectionate with someone like that.

Do you love him?

 

[cabolissa]

Did he treat you the same way? And by that I mean, no romance, nothing to make you feel secure?

Not sure I understand this. 6 months ago, my husband admitted to concealing a 3 year affair and promised he was going to end it. After he abandoned us in a new state 2 months later, he said he was returning to our old town to figure out what he wanted, but not to be with her.

I had no reason to trust him and asked him where he was when he called only to find him lying constantly.

It was the info I needed to realize I was married to a ruthless and deceitful man who’d been neglectful for years.

 

[cabolissa]

Then you’re better off not knowing. The majority of the men I work with see no problem with strip clubs and don’t consider going to them cheating. Just pray your husband has a change of heart soon.

I disagree completely.

It is not God’s will for women to be trapped in a marriage where the husband philanders around with strippers and touches them. It is most definitely cheating! A marriage is between two and the man is to put his wife and children before himself.

Males may have a harder time resisting sexual urges (strip clubs, affairs and porn) but we have been given free will. Men can (and do) decide to be faithful every day. They are not feral dogs roaming around looking for a mate!

 

[kage_ar]

No, he occasionally went to watch go-go dancers, but never this.

A man who would go to strip clubs is a man who goes to strip clubs. You married him knowing he went to strip clubs.

Christ himself told us that “watching” was the same as committing adultery.

Pray for the conversion of his heart, be loving and kind, but know, he did not change on you, you just decided to get mad about it.

 

[Tosk]

I disagree completely.

It is not God’s will for women to be trapped in a marriage where the husband philanders around with strippers and touches them. It is most definitely cheating! A marriage is between two and the man is to put his wife and children before himself.

Males may have a harder time resisting sexual urges (strip clubs, affairs and porn) but we have been given free will. Men can (and do) decide to be faithful every day. They are not feral dogs roaming around looking for a mate!

I don’t really disagree with anything you wrote about men. Personally, if my wife cheated on me I would not want to know about it. I would not be capable of staying with her and then I would get a divorce and really ruin our marriage forever.

If you will end up getting a divorce because of an affair then you really are better off not knowing. Hopefully the cheater will try to work on the marriage and make things up to you in other ways.

 

[shannyk]

No, he occasionally went to watch go-go dancers, but never this. I had no idea that he had this glib attitude. If any young people are reading this, ASK questions before you get married!!! If I had known this I would never have married him.

What did you say to the ‘gogo dancers’ before you were married and were together/engaged?

Did he know it was not OK with you. Does he know it’s not OK with God and the Church? Does that matter to him? Is he Catholic?

Honestly if I was you, as part of the counseling process I would just tell him and the therapist that you think that due to his past behavior patterns and habitual lying/ omitting, you want a GPS on his vehicle and his cell phone to be on him. I would think that even if he felt this to be somewhat of an intrusion, he would agree to it if he really wanted to prove to you once and for all he’s done with that garbage. It would show he cares about how you feel even though he doesn’t think it’s wrong.

BTW I’m still trying to wrap my head around the ‘I don’t think it’s wrong’ thing. That in and of itself is dishonest because why hide it from you if there’s nothing wrong with it?

 

[e3342]

Your post is completely uncharitable. Please don’t make such slanderous assumptions about people simply because they see the OP’s actions in a different light. He said multiple times that the OP’s husband was in the wrong. The OP’s behaviour is wrong, if she is failing to forgive (I said “forgive” not “forget as if nothing happened and move on”) and failing to allow her husband to fix his marriage in his own way. Gifts and trips are not anyway to fix a marriage, they are only a surface remedy, perhaps her husband wants figure out if his marriage is worth fixing, if his wife actually still loves him; or maybe he would rather not draw anymore attention to his fall than it is already recieving. Her husband has told her he’s sorry, why is that so impossible to believe? Without understanding her reasons he has apologized and promised not to do it again - why do you assume he’s so complete a liar and a heartless wretch?

Please show some charity, not all people view strip-clubs in the same way. I know many basically good men who wouldn’t even imagine their wives would feel betrayed by a lap-dance. That doesn’t mean they’re right, they don’t have a full understanding, but they aren’t monsters either.

The reason I don’t trust him is because he has lied to me a few times AFTER he apologized.

 

[e3342]

Have you told him “I will not be able to trust you again until you buy me gifts or take me on a trip” ?

Don’t expect him to read your mind, if this is what you require to trust him again - then - tell him that. And, by all means, be honest - if he starts buying you stuff then start trusting him.

I’m not looking for “stuff”. It was only used as an example of what the average husband does when trying to make it up to his wife after he cheated on her.

 

[e3342]

A man who would go to strip clubs is a man who goes to strip clubs. You married him knowing he went to strip clubs.

Christ himself told us that “watching” was the same as committing adultery.

Pray for the conversion of his heart, be loving and kind, but know, he did not change on you, you just decided to get mad about it.

I wasn’t crazy about the go-go bars, but they are not the same as strip clubs, at least in this state. In a go-go bar you can only watch. Also, all strip clubs are not the same. Some have bouncers who will throw you out if you touch the dancer. This place got in trouble with the state for having no bouncers or cameras. Its website forum had guys writing about getting BJ’s there as well as getting laid.

 

[shannyk]

I wasn’t crazy about the go-go bars, but they are not the same as strip clubs, at least in this state. In a go-go bar you can only watch. Also, all strip clubs are not the same. Some have bouncers who will throw you out if you touch the dancer. This place got in trouble with the state for having no bouncers or cameras. Its website forum had guys writing about getting BJ’s there as well as getting laid.

Going to ‘gogo’ bars or whatever you want to call them, they are women dancing in erotic ways to entice men, and exploit their sexuality, and get their money. Obviously for your husband viewing that kind of thing has only led to worse, it always does.

You said you weren’t crazy about it, but what did you say? Have you talked to a priest or Catholic therapist? A counselor who isn’t Catholic is not likely to see the depth of this problem. Before you install devices to keep track of him getting to a priest and Catholic counselor would be the thing to do in my opinion.

 

[whatevergirl]

*e3342–just curious if you have made a decision yet, regarding if you plan to install it or not? *

 

[BRZ]

A lot of the posts in this thread are extremely uncharitable. I can’t understand a lot of the things being said and it just makes me so angry at the ridiculousness of it all. Even from the so called “Catholics” here, some of the responses are utterly garbage. I won’t name names or anything like that but I want to say this to the OP.

OP, we are called to forgive, that is without a doubt, but not if the person does not ask for forgiveness or is not truly remorseful for what they did. Are people failing to see this? It just makes me so angry how they can be so oblivious to this. Her husband said he didn’t see anything wrong with what he did. You think that is a real apology? Are you KIDDING ME? Let me ask you this, if you were to say to Jesus, “Jesus, I committed adultery, I dont think what I did was wrong but can you forgive me anyway?” I can guarantee you will most likely not be forgiven. Why? Because God requires us to not only ask for forgiveness but to be TRULY REPENTANT. Being repentant means we must accept what we did was wrong.

If you do not believe that, then you have no idea what asking for forgiveness truly means. Not to mention it shows that a person has not truly changed, if they can’t even accept what they were doing is wrong. It matters not what society thinks about the issue. We are Catholics, and we must live as Catholics. If her husband isn’t Catholic, she still is and she has every right to question her husband if his integrity has already been broken. Jesus says we must believe in people, but when they have proven to be dishonorable and as sinful as her husband has been, she has no obligation to trust him in anyway. Not to mention she has tried in many ways to work this out. Going to counseling, not leaving him, and then even asking about the GPS because she was unsure of whether she should go to that extreme. Jesus said, “If you love me, you will do what I say” He did not say “If you love me, you will say what I want to hear.”

The same goes for her husband, if he loves her, he will act as a husband should, regardless of her actions. If he was a real man, he wouldn’t let his pride get in the way of doing what is right. He would try to get her to trust him no matter the cost. Now, if he was doing his duty and even though he was truly trying, she didn’t forgive him, then she would be wrong. That is not the case here per the information we have been given and if you are true believers in Jesus, you should trust what she says.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time… Please seek counseling for the 2 of you, I know that if you confide in your priest things will be a little less hectic, don’t be afraid to trust in him and to go to him. Please don’t wait any longer and contact your priest and get to him asap. God bless and good luck!

 

[NewEnglandPriest]

And, like my other ‘monotonous’ post said, he said he got Peyronie’s disease from the lap dances. Research says this is almost always caused by rough intercourse, (sometimes by diabetes which he doesn’t have). I just need to know the truth.

Well, from my quick search on Peyronie’s disease it doesn’t seem that the medical community has a good understanding of all its causes. However, based on your description of the lap dances it is not out of the question that he contracted it through them.

Now, be that as it may:
At this point the only reason to plant a GPS in the car is if you’re planning to divorce him and are looking for something to throw at him.

The issue is that his behavior has engendered a lack of trust on your part. He is the one who should be making an effort to win your trust back. But you also need to not set the bar impossibly high. Perhaps he could simply always have his cell phone on him and make a promise to always pick up or call back within a reasonable amount of time.

I find it surprising that your couples’ therapist hasn’t made it clear to him that he’s caused a rift in your marriage and thus the onus is on him to repair it.

You also have some decisions to make. If your husband refuses to discuss this issue or make this up to you then you either have to live with that or decide on some kind of separation.

 

[e3342]

*e3342–just curious if you have made a decision yet, regarding if you plan to install it or not? *

no