Is it okay to ask my daughter why she needs to go to confession?

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chemaeslay said:
honestly , I am worried she is masturbating or something. I just don’t know and am concerned. I don’t see her sinning or acting sinful at all. Shes a good kid, and very well behaved, yes shes annoying and disrespectful like all kids in little annoyances, but in general, she does not dress immodestly, she dose not use bad language, no bad music…ect. no clues to why.

If she is masturbating, How do I get her to stop? What a uncomfortable thing to try to teach a kid and let alone get them to stop if it is a issue…and to try to do it without even knowing if that is what it is…

Thanks,
Crystal
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Since you don’t know that this is a sexual issue, perhaps you should approach it as any Catholic mom would with an adolescent girl. If you haven’t yet talked to her about the birds and the bees, do it! Also tell her that our church has very specific ideas about how one can share sexually. Talk about chastity, masturbation, and other issues. This will require ongoing conversations and should not all be downloaded at one time! My point is that it is absolutely proper to teach Catholic values on sexuality and you can do this without intruding into her confessions.
 
chemaeslay said:
My daughter is almost 11 years old now. I have been bringing her to confession pretty often lately and the following Sunday, she receives Jesus in holy communion. The very next Sunday, when it comes time to commune with our Lord, she states “I cannot go, I need to go to confession”. So, I bring her to confession again on Wednesday… then, again ,the same thing happens.
So, is it wrong for me to ask her why she is going to confession so often? Or is it none of my business?
I feel that she has sort of made it my business. I am very concerned now because this has been going on for quite a while now. As a mother, I want to ask her so I can talk with her about her sins but then on the other hand, I sort of feel like I would be crossing lines…
Please give me some feedback. Also, parents, let me know if this has ever happened to you and tell me what approach you took…
Thanks, Crystal
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It would be very unususl for an 11 year old to commit a mortal sin. It doesn’t seem possible. I would make sure she knows the difference between a mortal sin ( with some examples that don’t involve sex ) and a venial sin. Also make her understand that as long as she has not commited a mortal sin she should go to communion and that, in that case, the grace of communion will wipe away any venial sin she is sorry for having committed. Another thing. Since you go to confession with her, you might go in ahead of her and warn the priest that she will be next and ask him to quize her. Tell him that she may not understand the difference between a venial and a mortal sin or that she may be scrupulous.

Linus2nd
 
revert_jen said:
It’s entirely possible that the priest doesn’t know that she is being scrupulous. Although you have to confess all mortal sins, you don’t have to say, “this is a mortal sin,” and obviously you can confess venial sins. Also unless it’s been going on for a year, she doesn’t have to tell the priest that she isn’t receiving the Eucharist. I’m not suggesting she is trying to hide anything, just that it may not come up.
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If she is attending confession that frequently, the priests will all get to know her and they will instruct her on venial and mortal sin and when reconciliation is needed. They are trained in this. He will notice if her sins are “tiny” and he sees her frequently, perhaps not in confession with him, but at the church at the time of reconciliation. We have no right to interfere directly between priest and penitent. The priest should not be contacted. He cannot include you in the priest/penitent relationship.
 
Remember that a child of 11 can be very compliant to authority. We don’t always have to “pry it out of her”. She may not realize that her sacrament is private. If her mom asks her, she may tell her in an effort to obey, and not from her full and free choice. We must be very mindful of the power of our authority over a child.
 
chemaeslay said:
My daughter is almost 11 years old now. I have been bringing her to confession pretty often lately and the following Sunday, she receives Jesus in holy communion. The very next Sunday, when it comes time to commune with our Lord, she states “I cannot go, I need to go to confession”. So, I bring her to confession again on Wednesday… then, again ,the same thing happens.
So, is it wrong for me to ask her why she is going to confession so often? Or is it none of my business?
I feel that she has sort of made it my business. I am very concerned now because this has been going on for quite a while now. As a mother, I want to ask her so I can talk with her about her sins but then on the other hand, I sort of feel like I would be crossing lines…
Please give me some feedback. Also, parents, let me know if this has ever happened to you and tell me what approach you took…
Thanks, Crystal
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Please disregard any comments that even suggest that you should be asking her “what did you say in Confession?”

This is a violation of the Seal of Confession. It is a serious sin and an offense against the Church.

Unfortunately, that will not stop others from advising you to do it, even indirectly.

You can, and as a parent you should, discuss what is happening outside of the Sacrament of Confession. This is what we call the “external forum.”

If you ask your daughter “what did you say in Confession?” you will be violating the Seal.

Please disregard comments that suggest you ask her this.
 
chefmomster2 said:
I am delighted to hear that a young person is so devoutly attached to the sacrament. That is amazing!

Short answer is, No.

You have been told why— she feels she has committed mortal sin. Pray that she will receive the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Trust the parish priests who are hearing her sins. If she is truly committing serious sin on a regular basis, they will counsel her on how to overcome her vices. If she is being overly scrupulous, they will discuss this with her, too.

The sacrament is such a trusted bond between priest and penitent. I would not try to interfere in it, even though I understand your concern for your child. It is because of your love for her! Her spiritual life should be firmly guided by you, but her conscience and faith are her own. So pray and be ready for the moment she is ready to turn to you! The prayer below may help.

I will pray for you both! 🙂
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Well stated & a beautiful prayer also.
 
This is a great time for you to move forward in you mother/daughter relationship and progress from the childhood times to the teenage years. Good communication takes practice and patience. If you want your daughter to be able to talk to you about difficult situations and if you want her to come to you for help and advice then use this situation to start down that road. Of course it is not right to ask what she is confessing but telling her that what is going on is concerning you is completely appropriate. She needs to know that what goes on in the confessional is entirely private and that will never change. But, the circumstances you have described are not usual and you need to understand what is going on. At eleven there could be something slightly in error with her understanding of what she thinks is sin and what needs to be confessed, etc. Open a dialog with her and see where it goes, she may surprise you!
 
FrDavid96 said:
Please disregard any comments that even suggest that you should be asking her “what did you say in Confession?”

This is a violation of the Seal of Confession. It is a serious sin and an offense against the Church.

Unfortunately, that will not stop others from advising you to do it, even indirectly.

You can, and as a parent you should, discuss what is happening outside of the Sacrament of Confession. This is what we call the “external forum.”

If you ask your daughter “what did you say in Confession?” you will be violating the Seal.

Please disregard comments that suggest you ask her this.
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Father, do you often wonder why you bother posting here when the lay CAF members think they know better than a priest?
 
Lormar said:
Father, do you often wonder why you bother posting here when the lay CAF members think they know better than a priest?
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Sometimes I wonder why I bothered with 8 years of Seminary only to get so much “wrong.” It seems I could have just googled everything and saved myself a lot of trouble. 🤷
 
chemaeslay said:
honestly , I am worried she is masturbating or something. I just don’t know and am concerned. I don’t see her sinning or acting sinful at all. Shes a good kid, and very well behaved, yes shes annoying and disrespectful like all kids in little annoyances, but in general, she does not dress immodestly, she dose not use bad language, no bad music…ect. no clues to why.

If she is masturbating, How do I get her to stop? What a uncomfortable thing to try to teach a kid and let alone get them to stop if it is a issue…and to try to do it without even knowing if that is what it is…

Thanks,
Crystal
Click to expand...
At 11 years old, I’m a little doubtful that a little girl who in other ways is normal and innocent, has an adult size problem with unchastity. I clearly remember as a child, my mother saying weird obscure things to me and it only became obvious to me as I matured, that she had suspicions of sexual impropriety. As a matter of fact, throughout my entire teen and young adult life, she was always making pointed and obscure remarks that suggested her imagination was in overdrive about my chastity. The fact is that I didn’t even know that females masturbated until I was 19 year old. I learned a lot of surprising things from my first flatmate about the base carryings on of people. That’s how naive and innocent I was about that aspect of life.

Mum also ironically told me of a time that she and her twin brother were wrestling in fun in the bedroom one day when they were 12 and my grandmother came in and belted them in an uncontrolled frenzy without ever telling them why. My uncle who was a little weedy child was apparently severly hurt. Mum believes in retrospect that my grandmother suspected they were acting in a sexual way.

Don’t let you imagination skew your perspective. Even if there is something regarding chastity, this is something she has to learn to deal with between herself and God. As someone else said, give her the birds and bees talk and the Catholic definition of chastity and also help her understand the true nature of confession in making us brand new and giving us extra grace to keep doing Gods will.
 
FrDavid96 said:
No. It is not acceptable to ask your daughter why she is going to confession, or what sins she is confessing. Never.
. What happens in Confession is protected by the Seal, and that’s inviolable.
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Thank you, Father David. I was just unsure and I found myself so very close to just asking her, but then my conscience told me it just wasn’t right. I was thinking that if I asked her,it would make her afraid to go to confession in the future. I will just try a different approach., maybe a girls day out so we can be alone and talk…👍
FrDavid96 said:
Please disregard any comments that even suggest that you should be asking her “what did you say in Confession?”

This is a violation of the Seal of Confession. It is a serious sin and an offense against the Church.

Unfortunately, that will not stop others from advising you to do it, even indirectly.

You can, and as a parent you should, discuss what is happening outside of the Sacrament of Confession. This is what we call the “external forum.”

If you ask your daughter “what did you say in Confession?” you will be violating the Seal.

Please disregard comments that suggest you ask her this.
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Will do 🙂 Thanks again:D:)
FrDavid96 said:
Sometimes I wonder why I bothered with 8 years of Seminary only to get so much “wrong.” It seems I could have just googled everything and saved myself a lot of trouble. 🤷
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:rotfl: :rotfl:
 
chefmomster2 said:
I am delighted to hear that a young person is so devoutly attached to the sacrament. That is amazing!
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I was so worried about my daughter that I was blinded by the fact that I have a wonderful daughter who is highly devoted to the sacrament of reconciliation:o Thank you for bringing that to my attention(stupid me). 😊
 
I don’t mean to be the bearer of bad news, or to alarm anyone, but… yes an 11 year old girl could in fact be having troubles not committing a mortal sin. (For anyone who is sure no 11 year old possibly could).

The good news is she is going to confession and refraining from the Eucharist when she feels she shouldn’t recieve it. She is also coming to you and telling you about this and not hiding it from you. Since she is doing the right thing through these acts, I would trust her and the priest she confesses to to try and resolve the matter.

Just remind her that if there is anything she needs to talk to you about, you will be happy to help her. And the birds and bees talk is certainly a good idea if that hasn’t been done yet.

I would avoid doing anything that would jeopardize her doing right before God.
 
I would also be very fearful of compromising her trust in the confessional. If she thinks parental politics are going to be an obstacle between her and Christ ,she might stop going.

Just be open to her and ask her if there’s anything she wants to talk about. I’m sure your priest isn’t a moron. He’s going to know a scrupulous person better than almost anyone. He hears confessions every week. I can think of plenty of worse problems to have than a child that goes to Confession 😛
 
FrDavid96 said:
Sometimes I wonder why I bothered with 8 years of Seminary only to get so much “wrong.” It seems I could have just googled everything and saved myself a lot of trouble. 🤷
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With respect, Fr, I know of many priests who spent that or more years in seminary or formation for orders that have blatantly been scandalous in their confessions with me, conversations with me, or preaching…

as in “That’s not a sin”. when the catechism says it is.

or contraception is ok, etc…

I know of priests that allow secular radio songs during mass.

Being a priest does not make one immune to giving advice that is outright against church teaching. So yes, some people do indeed “know better than a priest” as a previous poster put it.

I’m not saying that applies here, as I would never suggest someone outright ask someone else what they said in confession. However, saying that it betrays the seal I think is a debatable phrase, because when looking at canon law, it only refers to the confessor as someone able to betray a seal.
 
Thank you all so very much for helping me with my question…:)The answer is simple., no! No, I cannot ask my daughter why she needs to go to confession. The things that are said in the confessional booth are for the confessor and the priest alone., not for your mother, friend or spouse… I am so glad I got this answer before I totally blew it and asked her out of concern and curiosity. :bigyikes:
So, it turns out that I have a daughter who likes to go to confession OFTEN. At least (as one poster said) she is devoted to the sacrament of reconciliation. 🙂 For this, I should be proud and I am. (one poster said, don’t think of the sin, think of the repentance.,I really really like this statement) As for the repetitive act of going…? I will have to have a girl on girl talk and see if there is a misunderstanding about sins or something else that needs to be addressed. But, I will not be asking her what she is confessing.
For starters, I am going to do a refresher course with her on mortal/venial sins. She has learned all this before but maybe I should just remind her. (Her brother is receiving his first Holy Communion next Easter along with reconciliation, so I can just talk to both of them at the same time about what needs to be confessed and when we can and cannot receive Jesus in the Eucharist…)
I gotta give it to her for being brave and telling us that she can’t receive our Lord because she isn’t in the state of grace and needs to first reconcile. 👍
Also, regardless of whats going on, I think it is time to do the birds and bees talk., you are right about that. We have discussed some stuff but not all of it. I will definitely look into Love and Life:) Thank you for that suggestion:)

Anyhow, I got my question answered! Thank you all so very much:)
God Bless!
 
agapewolf said:
… However, saying that it betrays the seal I think is a debatable phrase, because when looking at canon law, it only refers to the confessor as someone able to betray a seal.
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So in your assessment, if a judge in a courtroom orders a witness to tell the court what he told his priest in confession, that’s not betraying the seal because (as you understand things) canon law only applies to the confessor-priest and so no one else (like said judge) can violate the seal? Do I understand what you’re saying?

I suppose I need to go back to seminary, because I mistakenly thought that a scenario like that would be violating the seal. Thanks for setting me straight.
 
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