Is it okay to lie to your children about your sexual history?

[Lorelei12]

It seems like most everyone here is in agreement that you shouldn’t lie when a child asks this question, but that the disagreement involves whether you should reveal personal details or not. I think that’s up to the parents. If you feel it’s best as a parent, that’s your right, but it isn’t wrong to teach your child about chastity without divulging any past details.

 

[pollynova]

No one said that. They said they should not be asking impertinent questions about their parents intimate sex lives.

Who here said children shouldn’t be asking their parents about sex?

What I meant was I disagree with parents who aren’t honest with their kids when asked about their sex life. You’d be surprised how far being open with your children goes. Obviously, you don’t need to give all the “details,” but if your teenager comes to you with questions about sex, why not use your own experiences as examples and to teach your children lessons?

 

[CaptFun]

Cabbage Patch … or Stork.
Stork … or Cabbage Patch.

I’d tell them the truth but they’d never believe it.

And I don’t CARE if they go rooting in the Cabbage Patch for the most part.

 

[Soren_Itenu]

It’s none of your children’s business, in my opinion. A rather inappropriate topic.

 

[Auntie_A]

After all, we find more acceptable what our parents deem acceptable, as generations become more and more relaxed. It is hard to find someone who is more chaste than their parents had been.

Please be careful in your logic here. If this were completely true, then the last three generations, in response to the last 1,000 generations would all be mating 24 hours a day with whomever they come in contact with.

My absurd statement is to remind you that “the world” is bigger than we think. Many young people are more chaste than their parents, they just don’t appear on TV and in movies.

And concerning your use of the term “relaxed”: while it’s appropriate for meaning “bending” the rules, it does not accurately describe the neurotic behaviors in any generation that failed to understand the virtues of chastity. Just take for example the neurotic little game of whining about how many days since one has “had it”…not very relaxed, this “counting the notches” stuff.

In answer to your overall question, I think it’s best to leave kids in the dark about a few things. Most kids have enough problems just thinking of their parents having sex with each other, much less having to imagine a picture of any past mistakes and transgressions outside the family circle.

 

[kelvinf]

Most kids have enough problems just thinking of their parents having sex with each other.

But I think it’s generally problematic to think about 2 people having sex. :tsktsk:

 

[kelvinf]

For me, a child asking his or her parents such a question is just plainly disrespectful.

Then they might also want to ask their parents how much money they have in their bank account(s), a list of their friends, where they used to go to at night, how many parties they attended, how often they missed mass on a Sunday, how often they felt sick and the list goes on. All silly questions!

Parents for sure can say what they want to say, if they want to say, when they want to say. The parent controls the child and not the child controlling the parent! But in today’s society, the latter is often true, sadly.

 

[ChibiViolet]

@ Moore11:
Well, they are bound to ask, no? I was very curious when I was younger about my parents past, considering most of my friends parents were okay with sex, etc. I had the deepest respect for my mom and her Catholic, nurturing nature. When my mom approached me about how the sexual sin surrounding middle school dances (this was the beginning of the Britney Spears “Hit me baby one more time” trend), especially after hearing circulating stories of kids my age already having oral sex, etc., I asked her about her past in order to understand her perspective. And she told me that she had waited until she married my father. This relieved me to know she wasn’t like my friend’s parents, especially considering my dad considered himself an ex-Catholic by that time. The media is making sex more and more accessible to children, and I think many Catholic teens want to know that their parents are an exception to the modern-day rule of sexual liberation, as you meet many hypocrites in mentors in this day and time. They want to meet adults they can aspire to be, and understand that if their parents can wait for so long, and live a happy marriage, so can they.

“Bound” to ask? NO…At least, I wasn’t. It doesn’t seem normal or healthy to be asking one’s parents about their sexual past…ICK.

 

[ChibiViolet]

Just don’t tell them a thing. It’s none of their business.

 

[takers]

“Bound” to ask? NO…At least, I wasn’t. It doesn’t seem normal or healthy to be asking one’s parents about their sexual past…ICK.

I think people are putting two different scenarios together here. One scenario is a child asking detailed information about a parent’s sex life, which I agree is over the line and yucky.

The other is asking the question “Did you have premarital sex?” after having a talk discussing not having premarital sex. This question doesn’t bring into the conversation the number of times, the people you had sex with, the positions, etc. It’s a simple yes or no question. Did you or did you not have premarital sex? How is a child asking a parent this question ick/yuck/gross/rude/ill-mannered? Is it simply because it some feel that any question regarding any aspect of a parent having sex is off-limits? Even if it’s this basic of a question?

 

[SMHW]

m

My sins (past or present) are no one else’s business including my childrens! I agree with you that most children are not seeking details about their parent’s sex lives but merely wondering if they stayed virgins until marriage.

The same question can be posed in other topics as a child could ask “Mommy did you ever steal anything?” “Daddy did you ever watch a pornographic movie?” “Mommy did you ever smoke pot?” I think the main focus here should be that a parent is not OBLIGATED to divulge what happened in their past to their children unless they decide to. Some parents are mistaken beleiving they have to tell the truth since lying is sinful, they need to remember that a person is entitled to their privacy and just because someone asks a question does not automatically entitle them to the answer. God bless.

I think a point that needs to be made is one that the military and intelligence agencies already know: If you make a habit of airing all the details of your personal life, people will think you have something to hide if you suddenly say, “None of your business.”

If parents make a habit of telling their children all about their sins then it is reasonable to expect that the subject of premarital sex will come up. If parents answer always questions when it paints them in a favorable light but won’t answer if they think it makes them look bad then the children will assume the worst.

So if parents want to keep certain thing private then that privacy setting will need to be set at level that is stricter than the parent thinks is absolutely necessary. In other words, if parents don’t want the children to ask about their sex lives before marriage they probably need to tell their children that ALL questions about their sex lives are off limits.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

I didn’t read through the entire thread, so I’m late to the party.

It’s not okay to lie. When it comes to a matter such as this, you simply don’t need to discuss it. Just say it’s a private matter and be done with it.

 

[kelvinf]

Did you or did you not have premarital sex? How is a child asking a parent this question ick/yuck/gross/rude/ill-mannered? Is it simply because it some feel that any question regarding any aspect of a parent having sex is off-limits? Even if it’s this basic of a question?

Yes it is rude and questions about past sins and a parent’s sexual life are off-limits!

And parents who go ahead and provide such an information are taking a risk: it could have a positive or negative effect on the child. For the latter, e.g. A child thinking: “after all, my parents weren’t even virgins. Why should I?”

 

[ahollars]

Yes it is rude and questions about past sins and a parent’s sexual life are off-limits!

And parents who go ahead and provide such an information are taking a risk: it could have a positive or negative effect on the child. For the latter, e.g. A child thinking: “after all, my parents weren’t even virgins. Why should I?”

I haven’t commented in a while, but parents who insist on hiding this information are the ones doing damage.

First off, if you did wait until marriage (like my parents successfully did), you will tell your children so as to set an example. Guess what? I still screwed up.

Now, my eldest already knows about us. She was 5 years old at our wedding. I’m not her father, but I am Dad. What she knows has not caused scandal to her. We have shared details of our past like financial hardship, relationship betrayal, loss of respect, emotional damage, and spiritual emptiness. She understands and believes that playing with spiritual fire will burn you if you are not wearing spiritual armor.

Share the negative consequences. Tell your children that there is tangible, mortal damage to sin, not just to the soul, but the mind and body as well. They will not think less of you.

As for their grandparents (my parents), after 42 years of marriage, obviously what they did works, especially since half the family is divorced.

 

[bunnykisses88]

This is a topic that I have thought about but had no idea what to do when the time comes. I think it will be easy for our daughter to find out that we had sex before marriage since she is in some of our wedding photos after all. So yeah she probably wouldn’t even have to ask that question. She is not even 2 yet so I still have a lot of time to think about this : )

 

[kelvinf]

I haven’t commented in a while, but parents who insist on hiding this information are the ones doing damage.

First off, if you did wait until marriage (like my parents successfully did), you will tell your children so as to set an example. Guess what? I still screwed up.

Now, my eldest already knows about us. She was 5 years old at our wedding. I’m not her father, but I am Dad. What she knows has not caused scandal to her. We have shared details of our past like financial hardship, relationship betrayal, loss of respect, emotional damage, and spiritual emptiness. She understands and believes that playing with spiritual fire will burn you if you are not wearing spiritual armor.

Share the negative consequences. Tell your children that there is tangible, mortal damage to sin, not just to the soul, but the mind and body as well. They will not think less of you.

As for their grandparents (my parents), after 42 years of marriage, obviously what they did works, especially since half the family is divorced.

You could teach children all the negative effects of sin without necessarily talking about your sins, especially sexual sins.

Asking my parents whether they committed certain sexual sins is just a no go for me.

In general, asking people you trust about their sins is not a good idea and sometimes it is also not a good idea to reveal your sins to someone who is still growing or struggling with something.

I once went to confession and the priest kind of hinted he too also commits or struggles with the sin. BTW, he did not directly say that to me, but that was clearly my intepretation and it had a very negative effect on me! Instead of dealing with an issue, I had to start dealing with 2 issues.

Anyways, we react differently to certain kinds of information but I did say parents just ought to be careful about what they reveal to their children. Not all children would be able to deal with it in the short term or long term and they might not reveal that to you.

 

[catholicmamajoy]

Everyone has different opinions on this one, based on their own experiences as parents and how their children are, or if they don’t have children, what their perceptions of how they will be as parents and how they think their children will be, and even how they themselves would react as they reflect on the relationship they had with their own parents.

Family dynamics vary with each of us, so there really isn’t a “one-size fits all” answer to the OP’s question. We have given her much to consider with several pages of opinions and examples. I’m confident she’ll be able to determine how she wants to handle this, should the question be presented.

 

[Rico_S]

Having four daughters, I will probably be fortunate enough to not have to tackle to many of these types of questions…but I am sure my wife will.

The other is asking the question “Did you have premarital sex?” after having a talk discussing not having premarital sex. This question doesn’t bring into the conversation the number of times, the people you had sex with, the positions, etc. It’s a simple yes or no question. Did you or did you not have premarital sex?

Here is my opinion, for what little its worth. One of the goals we (my wife and I) have for our kids is for them to feel comfortable talking to us. Neither my wife nor I had this kind of relationship with our parents. We turned out fine and our parents loved us, and still do and everything is absolutely wonderful…yada yada yada. But looking back on our childhood, it was never our patents we went to to discuss issues that come up with friends, boy/girl issues, body/sexuality issues, etc. It was either friends at school, perhaps siblings, or no one at all. It was sort of like they just buried their heads in the sand. It was never really even considered that, “Hey, I should talk to Dad about this.”

So, from my perspective, if my kids are discussing sensitive issues like this and ask us about something along the lines of “did you have premarital sex” I think the, “this is a private matter and none of your business” line shuts down the communication. I think the kid can take away from this that perhaps I shouldn’t be talking about this with their parents. I would be afraid that they would consider not sharing/discussing tough topics with us b/c we aren’t willing to discuss them ourselves.

Obviously there is a line to be drawn…but I don’t think it is necessarily clear where it is to be drawn. But for us, we want to encourage our children to come to us first, and I believe that cutting off our contribution to the conversation at the first question about how we handled things is very likely to discourage rather than encourage this. Again, this is just our opinion.

I do have a quick question for the ones who say “this is a private matter and none of your business.” If your child asks during the course of your discussion on sex “did you have premarital sex?” and you did in fact wait for marriage, do you still not answer and tell them it is a private matter or do you go ahead and answer the question?

 

[Adamski]

How in the WORLD would this come up in conversation with your child???

I remember asking my father over and over and over when I was around 18,

He wouldn’t respond and finally burst out why do you think we where only 20 years old when we got married I couldn’t wait any more

 

[SMHW]

I do have a quick question for the ones who say “this is a private matter and none of your business.” If your child asks during the course of your discussion on sex “did you have premarital sex?” and you did in fact wait for marriage, do you still not answer and tell them it is a private matter or do you go ahead and answer the question?

If you take the position that it is a private matter then you do NOT answer the question even if you did wait. If it is private, then it is private whether you waited or whether you did not wait.

It has to go both ways. You can’t restrict privacy to matters that show you in a bad light and then tell all if they put you in a good light. (Even if you try, people will see right through it.)