Is it okay to lie to your children about your sexual history?

[Sarabanda]

I am ashamed of my sexual past, and I regret much of it. Funny enough, I remained chaste until the age of 18 when I found out my mother had lied to me about having saved her virginity until marriage. I was deeply upset about it, and temptations I had had previously became something I took lightly henceforth, perhaps out of anger, perhaps out of loss of faith, or a combination of the two. I don’t want this to happen to my children, especially if I have a daughter, as I would be concerned she would do the same thing. After all, we find more acceptable what our parents deem acceptable, as generations become more and more relaxed. It is hard to find someone who is more chaste than their parents had been. If it were never to be known, would it be a lie, or even a white one, to falsify your sexual history to your children if they asked, in order to protect them from acting out on their temptations?

 

[Moore11]

How in the WORLD would this come up in conversation with your child???

 

[mommamaree]

I don’t think parents should be expected to share any details at all with their children. It could be impertinent for a child to ask, and scandalous for the parent to confess. My mother was very promiscuous and told me details about her sexual relationships (which I neither asked for nor desired to know). I even was repeatedly told about my dad’s size, style and misdeeds in the bedroom. It horrified me, and still disgusts me. Because of the extent of damage done (even though I was far more chaste than she), I came to the conclusion that it is simply not the child’s business what the sexual past of the parent is, no matter the age of the child. That information should remain between the spouses and their confessors.
I hope I do not come across too strongly here, but the reality for me is that I do feel very strongly about it, due to injury. I don’t think you should ever feel compelled to confess such intimate secrets to your child.

 

[tcay584]

That definitely falls under the “None of your Business” category of conversations between parents and children. It’s not Ok to lie, but you can certainly explain to your kids that there are some boundaries that are not to be crossed, and that’s one of them.

 

[Sarabanda]

@ Moore11:
Well, they are bound to ask, no? I was very curious when I was younger about my parents past, considering most of my friends parents were okay with sex, etc. I had the deepest respect for my mom and her Catholic, nurturing nature. When my mom approached me about how the sexual sin surrounding middle school dances (this was the beginning of the Britney Spears “Hit me baby one more time” trend), especially after hearing circulating stories of kids my age already having oral sex, etc., I asked her about her past in order to understand her perspective. And she told me that she had waited until she married my father. This relieved me to know she wasn’t like my friend’s parents, especially considering my dad considered himself an ex-Catholic by that time. The media is making sex more and more accessible to children, and I think many Catholic teens want to know that their parents are an exception to the modern-day rule of sexual liberation, as you meet many hypocrites in mentors in this day and time. They want to meet adults they can aspire to be, and understand that if their parents can wait for so long, and live a happy marriage, so can they.

 

[3DOCTORS]

I am ashamed of my sexual past, and I regret much of it. Funny enough, I remained chaste until the age of 18 when I found out my mother had lied to me about having saved her virginity until marriage. I was deeply upset about it, and temptations I had had previously became something I took lightly henceforth, perhaps out of anger, perhaps out of loss of faith, or a combination of the two. I don’t want this to happen to my children, especially if I have a daughter, as I would be concerned she would do the same thing. After all, we find more acceptable what our parents deem acceptable, as generations become more and more relaxed. It is hard to find someone who is more chaste than their parents had been. If it were never to be known, would it be a lie, or even a white one, to falsify your sexual history to your children if they asked, in order to protect them from acting out on their temptations?

Don’t deliberately lie or fudge the truth. There’s no need to volunteer any information unless the subject comes up. But if it does, I say it’s better to go ahead and share how you messed up and what it did to you emotionally and spiritually, and how God helped you to find a better path. Experience speaks strongly. It may be difficult, but in an age-appropriate way, find the balance between too graphic and too vague.

I say this because sometimes parents wish their kids would just read between the lines so they don’t have to relive their own shame. But kids (even college-aged) can’t always do this. At least, tell what you are minimally comfortable telling, then open the floor for questions. It may be painful but it will be healing too and it will prevent your child from being angry in the same way you were angry when you learned that your mother had concealed the truth from you.

You have to be the one to break the cycle of well-intentioned but harmful secrecy. Look what has happened in the Church from covering up scandalous things. Your children are being tempted as you were - your intervention could be the thing that keeps them from having to make the same mistakes to learn the same lessons. Again, share, rather than preach. Your remembered younger self talking to their current younger self almost like a peer. Not that you aren’t the Mom, but you almost have to step outside that a little and use your “street cred” to reach them. Hope I’m making sense.

 

[SonSearcher]

I am ashamed of my sexual past, and I regret much of it. Funny enough, I remained chaste until the age of 18 when I found out my mother had lied to me about having saved her virginity until marriage. I was deeply upset about it, and temptations I had had previously became something I took lightly henceforth, perhaps out of anger, perhaps out of loss of faith, or a combination of the two. I don’t want this to happen to my children, especially if I have a daughter, as I would be concerned she would do the same thing. After all, we find more acceptable what our parents deem acceptable, as generations become more and more relaxed. It is hard to find someone who is more chaste than their parents had been. If it were never to be known, would it be a lie, or even a white one, to falsify your sexual history to your children if they asked, in order to protect them from acting out on their temptations?

I think you are going to get both sides and ultimately it is up to you as the parent.

 

[SlackerCatholic]

How in the WORLD would this come up in conversation with your child???

Really? My oldest daughter is about to turn 15, and I have talked to her about sexual topics quite a bit, but need to take it to the next level as she reaches the halfway point of high school and stands at the door of adulthood. I have struggled with what to tell her. My big dark secret is that her father and I didn’t wait for marriage, but still, my upbringing and past is not the ideal I want for her . I have wondered if discussing my own struggle and how I failed would be profitable or not.

My husband had one disastrous sexual relationship before me, and I really think his experience could teach our boys a lot, but wonder if telling them would do more damage than good.

So yes, it’s feasible that parents might discuss this with their kids. For right now, my oldest knows her Dad is the only man I’ve ever been with, and I’m proud to at least be able to say that.

 

[Sarabanda]

By the way, I’m not married yet and do not have kids, I’m asking for future reference.

 

[Kelfa28]

Not advisable to lie…but I think a “none of your business” should suffice.

I would teach my children that it is not okay, respectful, or wise to just ask anyone about their sexual past. That is private information between a couple and no one else.

You don’t air dirty laundry out to dry.

 

[SlackerCatholic]

Not advisable to lie…but I think a “none of your business” should suffice.

Yeah, because that answer would never set off a teenager’s hypocrisy alarm or cause them to want to dig up secrets, perhaps by talking to family members.

 

[Moore11]

Yeah, because that answer would never set off a teenager’s hypocrisy alarm or cause them to want to dig up secrets, perhaps by talking to family members.

Where do you draw the line?
Hey son, One time I cheated on your mom?
one time I hired a prostitute?
One time your mom got an abortion?
one time I slept with your aunt Debra?
Sometimes your mom and I do not finish in a way ordered to the procreation of life?
This is ridiculous.
Dont want to be a hypocrite right?
You teach morality to your children. period. They need to know that certain things are temptations and we all have struggled with them but you don’t divulge private sexual things. That is abusing and damaging the bond between a parent and a child, masked in the idea that being all chummy and honest will bring you closer together. It is a mistaken view of the role of a parent and a child.

 

[Kensho]

Where do you draw the line?
Hey son, One time I cheated on your mom?
one time I hired a prostitute?
One time your mom got an abortion?
one time I slept with your aunt Debra?
Sometimes your mom and I do not finish in a way ordered to the procreation of life?
This is ridiculous.
Dont want to be a hypocrite right?
You teach morality to your children. period. They need to know that certain things are temptations and we all have struggled with them but you don’t divulge private sexual things. That is abusing and damaging the bond between a parent and a child, masked in the idea that being all chummy and honest will bring you closer together. It is a mistaken view of the role of a parent and a child.

These are great points.

Privacy and secrecy are not the same thing. You don’t have to blab all in order to not be a hypocrite. More people in this day and age need to realize that.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

How in the WORLD would this come up in conversation with your child???

The child is curious. They are verifying your moral authority. When you make a command, they want to know if you know whether you have any experience in what you’re talking about, whether you are acting with integrity on the matter, etc… especially in teenage years.

Mom: You are never to have pre-marital sex. Never, ever, ever. Blablabablababla.

Daughter: Did you?

To the OP: I think you can (and probably should) speak of your history in general terms, but there is absolutely no need to give specifics.

 

[Kelfa28]

Yeah, because that answer would never set off a teenager’s hypocrisy alarm or cause them to want to dig up secrets, perhaps by talking to family members.

Really?

You think that low of your children that they would be going after their aunts and uncles, grandparents…whatever…and ask “hey, know anything about the sex lives of my parents?”

Because if my kids tried that…they wouldn’t see the light of day for a very long time.

Not that they would get anything out of my family members anyway…I don’t share my sexual past, present or future with them to begin with.

How mature would a teen look by doing something so stupid?

 

[eonporter]

The child is curious. They are verifying your moral authority. When you make a command, they want to know if you know whether you have any experience in what you’re talking about, whether you are acting with integrity on the matter, etc… especially in teenage years.

Mom: You are never to have pre-marital sex. Never, ever, ever. Blablabablababla.

Daughter: Did you?

To the OP: I think you can (and probably should) speak of your history in general terms, but there is absolutely no need to give specifics.

Exactly.

The point here is that by the time they are able to ask those kind of questions, they will be already responsible for their actions in the eyes of God. And you have to let them know that.

Mom: You are never to have pre-marital sex.

Daughter: Did you?

Mom: Yes, and that’s exactly why I am telling you not to do it.

Daughter: So you have no authority to tell me not to do it!

Mom: It’s not my authority you should be worried about, but God’s.

Period.

You have to say the truth, and at the same time be very clear that they have their own responsibility in doing it right before God.

 

[MaeganFlinchum1]

Exactly.

The point here is that by the time they are able to ask those kind of questions, they will be already responsible for their actions in the eyes of God. And you have to let them know that.

Mom: You are never to have pre-marital sex.

Daughter: Did you?

Mom: Yes, and that’s exactly why I am telling you not to do it.

Daughter: So you have no authority to tell me not to do it!

Mom: It’s not my authority you should be worried about, but God’s.

Period.

You have to say the truth, and at the same time be very clear that they have their own responsibility in doing it right before God.

 

[silentfactor80]

I am ashamed of my sexual past, and I regret much of it. Funny enough, I remained chaste until the age of 18 when I found out my mother had lied to me about having saved her virginity until marriage. I was deeply upset about it, and temptations I had had previously became something I took lightly henceforth, perhaps out of anger, perhaps out of loss of faith, or a combination of the two. I don’t want this to happen to my children, especially if I have a daughter, as I would be concerned she would do the same thing. After all, we find more acceptable what our parents deem acceptable, as generations become more and more relaxed. It is hard to find someone who is more chaste than their parents had been. If it were never to be known, would it be a lie, or even a white one, to falsify your sexual history to your children if they asked, in order to protect them from acting out on their temptations?

For starters I would like to know why you think your future daughters virginity is somehow worth more than your future sons. That is a double standard that would set off my BS’o’meter and consequently view you as not a credible source. Legally your son would be more vulnerable than your daughter even if your future sons girlfriend didn’t get pregnant. Both young men and women are adversely affected by premarital sex albeit in different ways. Boys will loose out because they will not learn to value and appreciate a woman. Girls loose out because they will tie their self-esteem to sex which is unhealthy.

I agree with the “speaking from experience” types. You have to let kids know that you’ve been there or if you haven’t, why. You need to teach them to value themselves and others. That means sometimes denying yourself.

 

[Christopher1290]

no need to lie as there is no need to tell.

 

[Zimm3r]

How would this ever come up in conversation, I forget which comedian said this but he put it this way “As far as I’m concerned my parents only had sex once, about 9 months before my birthday, and even that I’m not sure, I still think a stork did it”… why would a kid EVER ASK THAT…