Is it okay to lie to your children about your sexual history?

[shipwrkd]

By the way, I’m not married yet and do not have kids, I’m asking for future reference.

I’m an old fisherman and I’ve learned that you shouldn’t decided how to cook any fish until you catch one and find out what kind it is…

 

[RubyT]

IMHO The subject is simply, none of their business?

Teach them how you would want them to act and forget your past.

I assume you have confessed and been forgiven by Jesus; so then, you need to forgive yourself and move on from the past. If Jesus can forgive you, you can forgive yourself.

 

[The_Bucket]

I agree with you. The problem is when we teach the kids about chastity, they definitely want to know if we did set an example ourselves for them to follow. And as some other posters indicated, if we refuse to tell them, they may attempt to seek more information from others relatives.

As much as this might seem logical, I have to agree with Kensho. Parents should be setting a good example now, when they are parents. What they did as teenagers is basically irrelevant.

I don’t say that as a cop out either. I say it because divulging that information can be taken poorly either way. If you did not wait until marriage, then the kids can say “I’m entitled to make the same mistakes!” If you did, the kids might be too terrified by your example to come to you if they mess up!

For myself, I don’t think I’d get into with what happened with my wife and I. Yes, we waited until marriage. Probably a bit more kissing than there should have been though. Nevertheless, no nudity, no touching things that we didn’t have ourselves, nothing until the wedding night.

Of course, I was into pornography from the time I was 15 until I started dating her and then dived back into it a few years after our marriage started. So it’s not like virginity is the same thing as chastity.

 

[The_Bucket]

IMHO The subject is simply, none of their business?

Teach them how you would want them to act and forget your past.

I assume you have confessed and been forgiven by Jesus; so then, you need to forgive yourself and move on from the past. If Jesus can forgive you, you can forgive yourself.

This is exactly right. Set the example now. What you did in the past is the past and Jesus has wiped it clean via Reconciliation. That’s why it truly is irrelevant.

 

[Kensho]

I agree with you. The problem is when we teach the kids about chastity, they definitely want to know if we did set an example ourselves for them to follow. And as some other posters indicated, if we refuse to tell them, they may attempt to seek more information from others relatives.

Perhaps you could skip the part about the things you did wrong and tell them about the things you did right – the ways you maintained chastity after deciding to do so, the ways you effectively dealt with temptation. You could tell them this without saying whether or not there was a time you gave in to temptation.

The Bucket says set a good example. I was thinking about what that would mean, and I think it would have been helpful to me to see the example of parents who were kind and respectful toward each other, affectionate and appreciative in front of us kids without being at all inappropriate. This could be a way of modeling a good sexual relationship within marriage, although not in an explicit way. If your children saw that you appreciated and were attracted to your spouse and that it was important to you to nurture your one-on-one relationship with him, that could only be a good thing, right? (I DO NOT mean that it is okay to neck in front of your kids or do anything immodest like that.)

 

[FriendlyFace]

Sorry I wasn’t clear. I am not advocating telling them about drug use but not sex. I was illustrating that most people misunderstand what hypocritical means.
No one is advocating not talking to your kids about sex and educating them what my point is is that we don’t need to tell kids about mommy and daddy’s sexual partners before marriage. Dont you think that kind of information is odd to share with a teenager?

I don’t think parents should go into graphic detail or name names. But in my experience as a human being, children have an uncanny ability to imitate their parents, even or especially when secrets are kept. I think that’s because, while we do have free will, we are also closely related to our parents (at least we should be ) and some of the mistakes we make and sins we commit are ones that we tend to because of our personalities and even to some extent, I think, because of biology. I think that if you don’t warn them against the things they’ll most likely be tempted towards, they will learn from experience in exactly the same way you did.

If anything, I think that parents generally shirk their responsibilities to their children in this regard. We live in a society where lies about sex abound. Parents have to set the record straight as much as they possibly can because if their kids fall into the wrong crowd, they’ll get eaten alive if they’re naive. We don’t have the luxury of a society that supports chastity and waiting for marriage.

And it’s funny to me how many people think their kids will disrespect them if they’re honest. Your kids should also be taught the Fourth Commandment. I know it’s possible because my mother taught me to treat my parents with respect. But if you don’t discipline your children when they treat you with disrespect, then yeah, they probably will violate the Fourth Commandment. But in my opinion that is a separate issue.

 

[Slowride]

How in the WORLD would this come up in conversation with your child???

Really? With all the bombardment of sexual content on TV, through friends, you think this is a strange question? I would think it would be more strange if it never came up. Then I would be worried. I have spoken to my daughter about sex since she was 12 years old. And I told her my mistakes - not in detail, but definitely related the pains. If you haven’t talked to your child about sex, I would wonder, why haven’t you as a responsible parent.

 

[styrgwillidar]

“Is it okay to lie to your children about your sexual history?”

For some of us it may not be just ok, but required.

Depends on the kid, context, point. But, as others have said there certainly isn’t any obligation for the parent to provide any information regarding their sexual history. That is, not lie but simply not discuss. Any reference by the parent would be at their choice and somehow related to teaching their children appropriate values.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Really? With all the bombardment of sexual content on TV, through friends, you think this is a strange question? I would think it would be more strange if it never came up. Then I would be worried. I have spoken to my daughter about sex since she was 12 years old. And I told her my mistakes - not in detail, but definitely related the pains. If you haven’t talked to your child about sex, I would wonder, why haven’t you as a responsible parent.

It does tend to come up teaching the church’s values. Even in CCD, some kids are bold enough to ask the teachers if they’ve always lived by the Church’s teaching.

 

[monicatholic]

Is it okay to lie to your children about your sexual history?

“i will NOT break the seal of confession to satisfy your curiosity. i promise you this-- whatever sins i have ever committed have been forgiven by God Himself and I’ve done penance for them. telling you about them is NOT part of my penance. … now eat your dinner.”

 

[Slowride]

I am ashamed of my sexual past, and I regret much of it. Funny enough, I remained chaste until the age of 18 when I found out my mother had lied to me about having saved her virginity until marriage. I was deeply upset about it, and temptations I had had previously became something I took lightly henceforth, perhaps out of anger, perhaps out of loss of faith, or a combination of the two. I don’t want this to happen to my children, especially if I have a daughter, as I would be concerned she would do the same thing. After all, we find more acceptable what our parents deem acceptable, as generations become more and more relaxed. It is hard to find someone who is more chaste than their parents had been. If it were never to be known, would it be a lie, or even a white one, to falsify your sexual history to your children if they asked, in order to protect them from acting out on their temptations?

I would not give details, but I definitely would tell her the pain and serious regret you experienced. To out right lie about it will not changed the world of temptation we live in. In addition you will be teaching her that you are human and fallible. I understand your concerns about you not wanting yur child to make the same mistakes. Lieing is not going to change your childs heart If she ever found out after the lie, that would worse in my opinion.

What the child sees now are your corrected actions. That is powerful!

 

[silentfactor80]

I didn’t read this as she thought her daughter’s virginity/purity was more important than her son’s.

She mentioned how her mom handled it and what she got from that so I think that’s the context she’s thinking of.

She said “especially if I have a daughter.” That is unnecessary unless she thinks it more important for her daughter to be a virgin than her son. If I had kids I value their well being equally. My daughters would not be “especially” important to me.

 

[Slowride]

Yeah, because that answer would never set off a teenager’s hypocrisy alarm or cause them to want to dig up secrets, perhaps by talking to family members.

Yep!

 

[Slowride]

Where do you draw the line?
Hey son, One time I cheated on your mom?
one time I hired a prostitute?
One time your mom got an abortion?
one time I slept with your aunt Debra?
Sometimes your mom and I do not finish in a way ordered to the procreation of life?
This is ridiculous.
Dont want to be a hypocrite right?
You teach morality to your children. period. They need to know that certain things are temptations and we all have struggled with them but you don’t divulge private sexual things. That is abusing and damaging the bond between a parent and a child, masked in the idea that being all chummy and honest will bring you closer together. It is a mistaken view of the role of a parent and a child.

That is giving details. Teach morality to your children with honesty, and not lies. Who is talking about being “chummy” here? There is NOTHING wrong with saying, “Oh honey, in the past I made some terrible mistakes that way, and they really hurt me for years. I don’t want to give details and re-live those experiences, but you know I love your more than life, and all I will say is I paid a hard price and it would break my heart if I saw you go through what I went through.”

 

[catholicmamajoy]

She said “especially if I have a daughter.” That is unnecessary unless she thinks it more important for her daughter to be a virgin than her son. If I had kids I value their well being equally. My daughters would not be “especially” important to me.

From what I could see, she stated what she did regarding a daughter because a daughter would be more likely to ask her, the mother, about past premarital encounters. Plus, she was looking back at her own mistakes regarding what her mother had shared and how she, as a daughter, reacted to it.

If she had a son who was compelled to know such things, he would probably be asking his father, not his mother, about past encounters, so it’s not likely she’d be the one addressing that issue.

Sorry, but I wasn’t able to pull her valuing the virginity of a future daughter over a future son from what she had posted.

 

[catholicmamajoy]

That is giving details. Teach morality to your children with honesty, and not lies. Who is talking about being “chummy” here? There is NOTHING wrong with saying, “Oh honey, in the past I made some terrible mistakes that way, and they really hurt me for years. I don’t want to give details and re-live those experiences, but you know I love your more than life, and all I will say is I paid a hard price and it would break my heart if I saw you go through what I went through.”

:yup:

 

[Slowride]

It does tend to come up teaching the church’s values. Even in CCD, some kids are bold enough to ask the teachers if they’ve always lived by the Church’s teaching.

Yes, I am sure. We as a culture teach are children that no question is a stupid question - what is to be expected. I would never say to my child, “That is non of your business.” It’s demeaning, rude, belittling…etc… There are much more affirming ways to answer and get my point across.

In the case of a CCD class atmosphere, it proved a wonderful opportunity to teach God’s grace and forgiveness. No one has ever lived perfectly. No one.

 

[Slowride]

“i will NOT break the seal of confession to satisfy your curiosity. i promise you this-- whatever sins i have ever committed have been forgiven by God Himself and I’ve done penance for them. telling you about them is NOT part of my penance. … now eat your dinner.”

That might be okay if it is the childs favorite dish! lol
What - no desert? I’m kidding, because I kinda liked it…

 

[nickybr38]

I’ve never raised kids but here are my thoughts;

1. I would NOT volunteer any information about my sexual history.
2. IF they asked I would NOT lie but I wouldn’t give many details either. And if I HAD to say: I did not wait for marriage, I would make sure to tell the child why it was the wrong choice and how deeply I regretted that choice.
3. Pray. pray. pray for your children. Leave them in the Father’s hands and they will be okay, no matter what mistakes they stumble into.

 

[catholicmamajoy]

I’ve never raised kids but here are my thoughts;

1. I would NOT volunteer any information about my sexual history.
2. IF they asked I would NOT lie but I wouldn’t give many details either. And if I HAD to say: I did not wait for marriage, I would make sure to tell the child why it was the wrong choice and how deeply I regretted that choice.
3. Pray. pray. pray for your children. Leave them in the Father’s hands and they will be okay, no matter what mistakes they stumble into.