Is it poor etiquette to invite single people to a wedding without inviting them to bring a guest?

[EnglishTeacher]

What do you think: Is it poor etiquette to invite a single person to a wedding without also inviting him to bring a date or friend (e.g., inviting only “Miss Jane Smith” instead of “Miss Jane Smith and Guest”)? Does it depend on the type of wedding?

I ask because I recently received two wedding invitations that were addressed only to me. I always thought that if one invites a single person to a wedding, one also extends the invitation to a guest as well. I am not complaining, as I plan to attend these weddings and have a good time regardless; but I am curious as to what the standard etiquette is. (I searched for the opinion of columnist “Miss Manners,” but could not find one on this question.)

 

[theCrow]

Definitely poor etiquette. Every wedding I’ve been to has had an invitation +1 (guest or Significant other) Especially if you’re close to the bride/groom, I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if you brought a guest you cared about.

 

[DeniseNY]

It depends on the size of the wedding. If it’s something very small/intimate, then a “guest” would typically only be someone with whom you are in a significant relationship. And even more correctly, the invite would also include that persons name as well.

 

[Lorelei12]

We did not invite “guests” to our wedding. We did not have a large wedding, and preferred that everyone in attendance was someone we already knew or had at least met a few times. In addition, if we had invited every single person with a guest, it would have cost hundreds of dollars extra, not something we had the budget for.

I think you will find that people come down on both sides of this issue. Some people are horrified and offended if not everyone is allowed to bring a date, and others (including myself) do not think it is rude at all. It sounds as though you are being rather gracious about it, and that is good. (Some people actually write people in on the response card, or better yet, just show up with a guest anyway…) Just remember that it likely has everything to do with either budget or the couple’s wishes for keeping numbers down, and nothing to do with you personally.

 

[pensmama87]

What do you think: Is it poor etiquette to invite a single person to a wedding without also inviting him to bring a date or friend (e.g., inviting only “Miss Jane Smith” instead of “Miss Jane Smith and Guest”)? Does it depend on the type of wedding?

I ask because I recently received two wedding invitations that were addressed only to me. I always thought that if one invites a single person to a wedding, one also extends the invitation to a guest as well. I am not complaining, as I plan to attend these weddings and have a good time regardless; but I am curious as to what the standard etiquette is. (I searched for the opinion of columnist “Miss Manners,” but could not find one on this question.)

We did this for our wedding, and from what I remember (because I researched this too before we made our guest list) it is not considered poor etiquette to not include +1s for single guests. It is in poor taste to not include fiancé(e)s or people in otherwise serious relationships. None of our single friends had any problems with it (at least not to our faces, and we specifically asked.) Being able to invite singles (rather than singles and their guests) meant that we could invite more of our friends. But most of our single guests also knew each other, which I think makes a difference.

 

[theCrow]

Agree that it depends on the size of the wedding, small/intimate or large open.

 

[Xantippe]

Nobody is obligated to invite somebody to their wedding that neither the bride or the groom could pick out of a lineup.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I didn’t want a bunch of people that I didn’t know at my wedding, and I certainly didn’t want to pay for every single person to bring a date. And besides, if I had allowed everyone to bring a date, I would have quickly filled up my venue and I wouldn’t have been able to invite everyone that I wanted to.

We went off of the married, engaged, or living together rule for dates. The only exceptions we made were for the wedding party (they go through a lot for the bride and groom), and for guests that would be traveling from far away, because no one wants to drive 18 hours each way by themselves. I also made an exception for a friend who wouldn’t know anyone else there. Even in these cases, the invite was only to the person. I called each one later to let them know that because of the travel, it was totally fine if they wanted to bring someone.

It isn’t rude to not invite people you don’t know just so your guests can turn your wedding into a date. That’s not what weddings are for, and that could be quite a burden on the couple.

 

[EasterJoy]

We did not invite “guests” to our wedding. We did not have a large wedding, and preferred that everyone in attendance was someone we already knew or had at least met a few times…

No matter how big your wedding is, of course it is OK to restrict the guest list to people whom the hosts and guests of honor actually know. It takes a bit of chutzpah to imply that a guest has some right to bring a total stranger to an intimate event like a wedding simply because the hosts know a lot of people.

Miss Manners considers it to be a social blunder to put “and guest” on a wedding invitation. If you want to invite someone, you take the trouble to learn their name and you extend an invitation to that person. Guests with a socially established partner should not be invited without that partner, while guests who do not have a socially established partner are not allowed to ask to bring a guest. Substitutes may not be sent in lieu of invited guests. If multiple people are included on a single invitation, it is still OK for only one to accept the invitation if the others have to send their regrets. Common sense ought to reign, of course: If a person who needs assistance can attend but their spouse cannot, it would be OK to ask hosts if an assistant could come in lieu of the spouse, so that the person needing assistance could attend.

As your example points out, OP, it is not an imposition to suppose that a single person could enjoy attending the wedding of friends or relatives without a date. If the person has a socially established partner, the couple ought to be treated as a social unit. Otherwise, it ought to be assumed that an adult is perfectly capable of socializing in a group of friendly adults without having to bring a social ally.

If someone RSVPs and presumes to include someone not on the guest list, the host ought to find out if this is someone in an established relationship of which they were not aware. (Someone invited alone as if he or she did not have a partner is allowed by etiquette to ask that the host invite their partner., and many hosts would pray that they will!) If a partner has been left off by mistake, invite the person and apologize for the oversight. If that’s not the situation, the faux pas of the guest doesn’t have to be overlooked. It is within the host’s rights to remind the person that the guest list was carefully chosen, that some persons that might have been invited had to be left off of it, and unfortunately the host won’t be able to include the guest who has been “proposed.” (It is not necessary to beg limited financial resources or a limited venue size. A wealthy couple does not have to invite the entire planet to their wedding just because they “can afford it.” It would take a seriously offensive amount of chutzpah to suggest otherwise.)

 

[Avila123]

Not sure about etiquette, but invites with and guest cause me problems as I don’t like to try to work out who would like to come with me, whether they would like it etc.

When one of my brothers married, singles were invited as singles and we were all sat at the same table. We all knew we were on the single table and subsequently we had a great time without any feeling like a spare part.

 

[LouiseHine]

I was recently invited to the wedding of two of my favourite friends, but because it was 500 miles and two plane rides away, I couldn’t go (too expensive). They put “Louise and guest” on the invitation, but it just made me feel awful, reminded me of how single/miserable/alone I am, because they knew full well I wouldn’t have anyone to bring with me and I think they should have taken this into consideration and in my case, just put “Louise” on the invitation. And, even if I did, I wouldn’t ask them to spend £1000 to go to the wedding of someone they didn’t know.
Just an alternate point of view to consider.

 

[Joe_5859]

I didn’t want a bunch of people that I didn’t know at my wedding, and I certainly didn’t want to pay for every single person to bring a date. And besides, if I had allowed everyone to bring a date, I would have quickly filled up my venue and I wouldn’t have been able to invite everyone that I wanted to.

We went off of the married, engaged, or living together rule for dates. The only exceptions we made were for the wedding party (they go through a lot for the bride and groom), and for guests that would be traveling from far away, because no one wants to drive 18 hours each way by themselves. I also made an exception for a friend who wouldn’t know anyone else there. Even in these cases, the invite was only to the person. I called each one later to let them know that because of the travel, it was totally fine if they wanted to bring someone.

It isn’t rude to not invite people you don’t know just so your guests can turn your wedding into a date. That’s not what weddings are for, and that could be quite a burden on the couple.

I’m not sure if there is a “right” answer to this question, but this was pretty much my philosophy as well.

I went to a lot of weddings in my last few years of college / first few years out of college. I never expected to bring a guest when I knew tons of people there already and the couple was generally just out of college with limited means. I still always had a good time.

 

[skigirl1689]

This happened to me recently, and I wasn’t offended at all. However, I need someone with me due to my physical disability so I reached out to my friend and made sure it was alright for someone to accompany me. He knew I couldn’t come by myself, but I still made sure he was ok with it. Obviously, my situation is unique, but I still would have respected his decision if I couldn’t have brought a guest.

 

[Mumbles140]

I was in a fraternity, my wife was in a sorority, and we both had a good amount of extended family attending. We decided that fiance(e)s (and obviously spouses) would be invited for all guests, but if you were single and part of the fraternity, sorority, or family, then you were not given a date.

The reasons were two-fold. First, the cost factor, naturally. Secondly, we figured that those people would interact significantly within their respective groups, so we reserved the +1 option for bridesmaids, groomsmen, and other guests not in the group. Perhaps these weddings were either about finances, or the assumption that you would have a familiar group to hang out with at the wedding.

Honestly, I think a lot of wedding norms are changing lately. Being relatively new parents, two ‘no kids’ weddings have been tough, especially since the hosts included breast-fed babies in their definition of ‘kids’. I think the best thing to do is attend so long as you are comfortable, and if not, provide the reason you cannot (if you are close enough to the couple where your attendance would automatically be assumed).

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Good answers, thanks. I had not heard this

Miss Manners considers it to be a social blunder to put “and guest” on a wedding invitation. If you want to invite someone, you take the trouble to learn their name and you extend an invitation to that person

before, so that is good to know. Makes sense, though. As mentioned, I am perfectly fine with attending weddings by myself, and plan to have an enjoyable time either way. I was only curious because in the past, most wedding invitations I received said “and guest”; but the last few I received did not.

And just for the record, I would never presume to bring someone to a wedding if the invitation did not specifically indicate that I could do so. Now that would most definitely be poor etiquette, to say the least.

 

[EasterJoy]

This happened to me recently, and I wasn’t offended at all. However, I need someone with me due to my physical disability so I reached out to my friend and made sure it was alright for someone to accompany me. He knew I couldn’t come by myself, but I still made sure he was ok with it. Obviously, my situation is unique, but I still would have respected his decision if I couldn’t have brought a guest.

Of course he’s not going to invite you but not allow you to have someone there to make it possible for you to attend. By asking, you gave the host the option of asking if some particular guest could be there to accompany you. You handled it the gracious way.

 

[mommy_k]

We did this for our wedding, and from what I remember (because I researched this too before we made our guest list) it is not considered poor etiquette to not include +1s for single guests. It is in poor taste to not include fiancé(e)s or people in otherwise serious relationships. None of our single friends had any problems with it (at least not to our faces, and we specifically asked.) Being able to invite singles (rather than singles and their guests) meant that we could invite more of our friends. But most of our single guests also knew each other, which I think makes a difference.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Nobody is obligated to invite somebody to their wedding that neither the bride or the groom could pick out of a lineup.

There I must disagree with you. It is certainly poor etiquette to fail to invite spouses of invitees, even if you don’t know them personally.

EasterJoy:

If you want to invite someone, you take the trouble to learn their name and you extend an invitation to that person.

If that someone happens to be in a serious relationship, sure. If that person is not, it’s fine IMO to include a +1 if the couple chooses to do so. Some guests may be in a situation where they will know very few if any of the other guests besides the bride and groom themselves. So in that case, it’s a nice courtesy to give such a person that option.

 

[Book_Worm]

Not just Miss Manners; every etiquette authority states that it is not necessary to invite every guest to bring a date unless they are engaged, living together or in a long-term relationship. As PPs have pointed out, putting “and guest” on an invitation IS rude.

We did not allow those not in serious relationships to add a guest for my DD’s wedding. My husband’s aunt was elderly and lived a plane ride away, so we didn’t think she would attend but sent her an invitation anyway just to let her know we did want her there. She called me and told me she felt she could make the trip, but would need to have her adult grandson accompany her. We of course immediately insisted he also attend. OTOH, two cousins called, wrote, and emailed asking if their BFs could attend since they were serious relationships and practically stamping their feet when we declined. I finally had to call their mother and ask her to tell them to just stop. It would have cost us over $500 for these two men, whom we had never met, to attend the wedding, rehearsal dinner and brunch the following day

Both girls had broken up with their “serious” boyfriends within the next month.

 

[FrenzyJen]

For our wedding, we knew several single people who were part of a larger group of friends who would be attending. We did not give these people "+1"s because they obviously would not be bored or lonely during a wedding. Those people attending who were single and did not know any or many of the other people at the wedding did get guests included on their invitation.