Is it poor etiquette to invite single people to a wedding without inviting them to bring a guest?

[Mumbles140]

Not directly related, but there are times when a family is invited (let’s say a family of 5), a member of the family brings a guest (girlfriend, boyfriend) without informing the bride and groom, even though the only 5 seats were reserved for them. So there’s an extra person unaccounted for, but I think the groom and bride, and the wedding planner if there’s any provide allowances for these ‘surprise’ guests.

Fortunately, there are always a couple of ‘no shows’ who RSVP’d “YES”, so it sometimes evens itself out.

 

[Joe_5859]

Emily Post says the following:

If they are family or friends, you do not have to invite them with a guest if they are not (1) married, (2) engaged, or (3) living with their significant other.

The only time a bride and groom should feel compelled to invite “and guest” is when you inviting single people you don’t personally know very well. For example: inviting business associates, business associates of your parents, etc.

But you don’t have to for family and friends. And it’s never polite to ask to bring a guest or just bring one when the invitation only lists you. Keep in mind that the bride and groom have a budget to work in and people they wanted to invite are always cut from the list.

I guess one other situation when you would want to give someone the option of bringing a guest is if your wedding was going to be like a formal ball. If you are going to make your all your guests wear a tux and the music is going to be mostly slow, then giving them the option might not be a bad idea (if you are going to have a $50,000+ wedding, then inviting a few guests shouldn’t be a big deal from a budget stand point, but there still could be seating issues.)

Hope this is helpful.

I agree in theory, but this somewhat presupposes that the couple-to-be is aware of and conscientious about etiquette themselves. I had a cousin getting married and his fiancé sent our all the invitations. Mine was addressed to me and my wife with our first names but no last name and no mention of kids. One of my other aunts received an invitation addressed to “[Aunt’s first name], [Aunt’s adult son’s first name] & wife.” No mention of my uncle. You better believe we had questions about who was actually invited! (And it turned out that kids were invited…and so was my uncle )

 

[Xantippe]

I agree in theory, but this somewhat presupposes that the couple-to-be is aware of and conscientious about etiquette themselves. I had a cousin getting married and his fiancé sent our all the invitations. Mine was addressed to me and my wife with our first names but no last name and no mention of kids. One of my other aunts received an invitation addressed to “[Aunt’s first name], [Aunt’s adult son’s first name] & wife.” No mention of my uncle. You better believe we had questions about who was actually invited! (And it turned out that kids were invited…and so was my uncle )

Wow!

 

[EasterJoy]

When you invite people over to your house, do you normally write the invitations “and guest”? Probably not.

To me, if it’s necessary to write “and guest” it suggests that you might not know the person well enough to have them at your wedding. When you’re close to people, you know if they have a spouse, fiance, or long-term sweetie.

This is the idea–that is, not that it is wrong to include someone you haven’t met at your wedding–this will happen all of the time in the case of spouses of friends you have not seen in awhile–but that you ought to go to the trouble of knowing who you are inviting before you invite them. Everyone there ought to be an invited guest in their own right.

There are a lot of couples with a LOT of single friends. Should they be expected to have ten or twenty people at their wedding who couldn’t have picked the bride, groom, their parents, or anyone in the wedding party out of a line-up, who have never met them and will never see them again? The other problem in expecting an “and guest” invitation is that it implies the named guest will need the unnamed guest in order to socialize. Well, in that case, they’re probably going to come and stick together without mixing with the rest of the guests. That is hardly optimal, either. It is weird to have to admit to the bride or groom: “Oh, me? No, I don’t know a soul here–not you, not any of your family or friends, except Bob. Bob brought me so he’d have someone to talk to and dance with, because your other guests could have been counted on to ignore him. The chances are that you will never see me again.” Weird. Very weird.

 

[Xantippe]

I’ve come to think of it as an odd thing to expect. It is not about the money, it is about who gets invited and who gets left out. It is their wedding, why would you ask to bring some random person to it, maybe a total stranger? It’s not as if they didn’t have to draw the line and leave people *they actually know *off of the list. The line has to be drawn somewhere, no matter how big the wedding is. So while I think calling a guest and asking if there is someone else that ought to be invited as company for them is a gracious thing to do, I certainly wouldn’t chalk up an unwillingness to do it to being cheap.

Exactly. The bride and groom may have already had to go through the following thought process:

A. We’d like to invite Cousin Susie, but we aren’t inviting any other cousins from that side of the family. Can we get away with it?

B. We’d like to invite Great Uncle Gerard, Great Aunt Gertrude and Great Aunt Silvia, but we don’t really want the rest of the great aunts and uncles–don’t even know them, actually. Can we get away with it?

C. Mom wants to invite all her work friends that we’ve never met!!!

A lot of people have to necessarily be excluded to avoid accidentally inviting the population of North America. People make fun of 500 guest weddings, but it’s easy for that to happen. It’s hard to cut it down if you have any sort of social life or a family of any size.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree in theory, but this somewhat presupposes that the couple-to-be is aware of and conscientious about etiquette themselves. I had a cousin getting married and his fiancé sent our all the invitations. Mine was addressed to me and my wife with our first names but no last name and no mention of kids. One of my other aunts received an invitation addressed to “[Aunt’s first name], [Aunt’s adult son’s first name] & wife.” No mention of my uncle. You better believe we had questions about who was actually invited! (And it turned out that kids were invited…and so was my uncle )

They didn’t invite an uncle? Ettiquette-conscious, nothing. One wonders if they were conscious, period.

 

[Honus]

When you invite people over to your house, do you normally write the invitations “and guest”? Probably not.

When ever any single friends are invited over, the ‘and guest’ is never needed. They know they can bring them anytime they come over. Now if they bring a new ‘friend’ with them to a football watching party with the guys, they better have told her to only talk to us during commercials and halftime.

I’ve come to think of it as an odd thing to expect. It is not about the money, it is about who gets invited and who gets left out. It is their wedding, why would you ask to bring some random person to it, maybe a total stranger? It’s not as if they didn’t have to draw the line and leave people they actually know off of the list. The line has to be drawn somewhere, no matter how big the wedding is. So while I think calling a guest and asking if there is someone else that ought to be invited as company for them is a gracious thing to do, I certainly wouldn’t chalk up an unwillingness to do it to being cheap.

I’ve found that it usually is about the money. Most Bride & Grooms don’t care if someone is there they don’t know. The couple never has enough time to visit with everyone anyway. And yes, I agree, the line has to be drawn somewhere. We drew our line where we include ‘and guests’. At that point, we wanted our single friends to have the option to bring a date or not. Maybe half did.

 

[Joe_5859]

They didn’t invite an uncle? Ettiquette-conscious, nothing. One wonders if they were conscious, period.

Indeed. It makes for a fun story, though.

 

[EasterJoy]

Indeed. It makes for a fun story, though.

It is a great story! (Isn’t retelling the horror stories from weddings, whether yours or someone else’s, one of the great guilty pleasures of extended family life?)

 

[Lorelei12]

I agree in theory, but this somewhat presupposes that the couple-to-be is aware of and conscientious about etiquette themselves. I had a cousin getting married and his fiancé sent our all the invitations. Mine was addressed to me and my wife with our first names but no last name and no mention of kids. One of my other aunts received an invitation addressed to “[Aunt’s first name], [Aunt’s adult son’s first name] & wife.” No mention of my uncle. You better believe we had questions about who was actually invited! (And it turned out that kids were invited…and so was my uncle )

Lol!

My parents received an invitation once to a family member’s wedding (addressed only to them). My siblings and I did not receive invitations, so we assumed we were not invited. My mother got a phone call from the bride’s mother saying the bride was upset that people were not responding, and asking whether we were going. As it turns out, myself (married) and my two siblings (one of whom is married and has children)- and all of us had been moved out of our parents’ home for quite some time- were all invited and we were just supposed to know that the invitation included us too.

It was a little awkward responding to an invitation I never got!

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Lol!

My parents received an invitation once to a family member’s wedding (addressed only to them). My siblings and I did not receive invitations, so we assumed we were not invited. My mother got a phone call from the bride’s mother saying the bride was upset that people were not responding, and asking whether we were going. As it turns out, myself (married) and my two siblings (one of whom is married and has children)- and all of us had been moved out of our parents’ home for quite some time- were all invited and we were just supposed to know that the invitation included us too.

It was a little awkward responding to an invitation I never got!

In all fairness when you have a large family you have to practically hire a PI to track down everybody’s address. I’m still included on invitations addressed to my parents, and I’m 30 and haven’t lived at home in 13 years. The problem is I’ve moved about half a dozen times and my address and phone number are unlisted. You have a about 100 other people doing the same thing and it can be a full time job just to track them down and address proper invitations to them.

All this etiquette talk makes me hit my knees and praise Talos I was not born a woman. I would hate to be responsible for arranging any large event involving sensitive feelings and a bunch of family. My current plan is to pay my children 10k if they have a small wedding.

 

[Lorelei12]

In all fairness when you have a large family you have to practically hire a PI to track down everybody’s address. I’m still included on invitations addressed to my parents, and I’m 30 and haven’t lived at home in 13 years. The problem is I’ve moved about half a dozen times and my address and phone number are unlisted. You have a about 100 other people doing the same thing and it can be a full time job just to track them down and address proper invitations to them.

If you want someone at your wedding, and are asking them to take their time and spend their money on you, it’s not that much effort to send a quick email or make a phone call. If you want people at your wedding, at least make the effort to actually invite them!

 

[Xantippe]

I’ve found that it usually is about the money. Most Bride & Grooms don’t care if someone is there they don’t know. The couple never has enough time to visit with everyone anyway. And yes, I agree, the line has to be drawn somewhere. We drew our line where we include ‘and guests’. At that point, we wanted our single friends to have the option to bring a date or not. Maybe half did.

People have repeatedly said just in this thread that they do care if there are complete strangers at their wedding. A lot of people hate that.

 

[Xantippe]

When ever any single friends are invited over, the ‘and guest’ is never needed. They know they can bring them anytime they come over. Now if they bring a new ‘friend’ with them to a football watching party with the guys, they better have told her to only talk to us during commercials and halftime.

That’s pretty unique to you, I think. I wouldn’t want some total stranger in my home, particularly as I have kids there whose welfare I need to consider.

 

[Xantippe]

In all fairness when you have a large family you have to practically hire a PI to track down everybody’s address. I’m still included on invitations addressed to my parents, and I’m 30 and haven’t lived at home in 13 years. The problem is I’ve moved about half a dozen times and my address and phone number are unlisted. You have a about 100 other people doing the same thing and it can be a full time job just to track them down and address proper invitations to them.

All this etiquette talk makes me hit my knees and praise Talos I was not born a woman. I would hate to be responsible for arranging any large event involving sensitive feelings and a bunch of family. My current plan is to pay my children 10k if they have a small wedding.

My current plan is $10k per marrying daughter and tell them to do whatever they want to do with it. (Although I suspect it may need to be more after inflation does it’s dirty work. But let’s say $10k in 2014 dollars.)

And I do plan to be hardnosed about not going beyond traditional requirements for a son’s wedding (rehearsal dinner, etc.). We can’t be paying 100% of daughter’s weddings and then going 50/50 on our son’s wedding.

I also think one should plan for a “young adult launch fund” for new college graduates. Maybe insist on the kids putting away $100 a month during college? That would probably be enough.

Of course, as they say, no plan survives contact with the enemy.

 

[Xantippe]

Honus,

Come to think of it, if your friends want you to meet their new sweetie, why don’t they invite you over for dinner or for an outing?

 

[Sunbreak]

This is what it says in Emily Post’s Etiquette Daily when a bride asked who she has to invite:
*You are obligated to invite spouses, fiances or fiancees, and significant others of your guests. If your friend has a long-standing relationship/is living with her ‘special person’ then he really needs to be invited. If not, and he is someone she is dating, it is not a requirement that he be included. If she is so unhappy with the arrangements, she can always decline the invitation and then be at home being bummed that she is missing a wonderful time. *

 

[WingsOfEagles]

[SIGN][/SIGN]

That’s pretty unique to you, I think. I wouldn’t want some total stranger in my home, particularly as I have kids there whose welfare I need to consider.

I don’t know that that’s unique…my friends and I pretty open about an extra tagging along to a low key social event like watching a game on TV. We might ask ahead of time, but it’s never a “no”.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

My current plan is $10k per marrying daughter and tell them to do whatever they want to do with it. (Although I suspect it may need to be more after inflation does it’s dirty work. But let’s say $10k in 2014 dollars.)

And I do plan to be hardnosed about not going beyond traditional requirements for a son’s wedding (rehearsal dinner, etc.). We can’t be paying 100% of daughter’s weddings and then going 50/50 on our son’s wedding.

I also think one should plan for a “young adult launch fund” for new college graduates. Maybe insist on the kids putting away $100 a month during college? That would probably be enough.

Of course, as they say, no plan survives contact with the enemy.

I plan on going against tradition and giving all of my children the same amount to start their adult lives. I don’t think that it is fair that the girl’s parents are expected to cover the cost of the wedding and intend on going against it. With my parents all the girls in the family got both college and wedding paid for and the boys got absolutely nothing.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

If you want someone at your wedding, and are asking them to take their time and spend their money on you, it’s not that much effort to send a quick email or make a phone call. If you want people at your wedding, at least make the effort to actually invite them!

Looking at things from the other side, if you want someone to invite you to a wedding you should give them your updated address. After all, how much effort is an email or phone call every time you move?