Is it poor etiquette to invite single people to a wedding without inviting them to bring a guest?

[Lorelei12]

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I don’t know that that’s unique…my friends and I pretty open about an extra tagging along to a low key social event like watching a game on TV. We might ask ahead of time, but it’s never a “no”.

I think it’s probably more unique among married people or people with children. Most people in these categories probably don’t have a free-for-all open house- spouses appreciate knowing who is coming into their home, especially when kids are involved.

 

[Xantippe]

I plan on going against tradition and giving all of my children the same amount to start their adult lives. I don’t think that it is fair that the girl’s parents are expected to cover the cost of the wedding and intend on going against it. With my parents all the girls in the family got both college and wedding paid for and the boys got absolutely nothing.

Wow! Your parents really screwed that one up.

It is reasonable to do a sort of unisex “dowry.”

If one has the nerve, it might be reasonable to say (upon college graduation): “Here is a check for X. This is your young adult starter fund. You can use it to set up your first apartment/pay for your future wedding/use as a house downpayment. This is all you’re getting! Use it wisely!”

I don’t think I’d have the guts to hand over that kind of lump sum to a 22-year-old, though.

 

[Lorelei12]

Looking at things from the other side, if you want someone to invite you to a wedding you should give them your updated address. After all, how much effort is an email or phone call every time you move?

That would be presuming that someone is actually going to invite you to their wedding. I’m not going to track down distant cousins every time I move in case one of them might get married someday. It’s the host’s responsibility to make sure they have people’s correct addresses, not the guest’s.

Plus, usually the people doing the inviting are the ones who actually care about people attending their wedding. If you want to make sure people get your invitations, you’ll make the time to get correct addresses- if you don’t care that much, you won’t bother.

 

[Xantippe]

I think it’s probably more unique among married people or people with children. Most people in these categories probably don’t have a free-for-all open house- spouses appreciate knowing who is coming into their home, especially when kids are involved.

Yes.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

That would be presuming that someone is actually going to invite you to their wedding. I’m not going to track down distant cousins every time I move in case one of them might get married someday. It’s the host’s responsibility to make sure they have people’s correct addresses, not the guest’s.

Plus, usually the people doing the inviting are the ones who actually care about people attending their wedding. If you want to make sure people get your invitations, you’ll make the time to get correct addresses- if you don’t care that much, you won’t bother.

That seems fair as long as you don’t expect anyone to track you down and don’t get hurt if you don’t receive an invitation. If you want or or expect people to find you you have to be easy to find. In my case, I know how difficult I am to find and I would be flattered that anyone would include me at all regardless of whether they followed Emily Post’s advice to do so.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

And I do plan to be hardnosed about not going beyond traditional requirements for a son’s wedding (rehearsal dinner, etc.). We can’t be paying 100% of daughter’s weddings and then going 50/50 on our son’s wedding.

That’s totally fine, but you can’t do what my MIL did.

My husband and I fully intended on paying for our wedding ourselves, and as such, it was going to be a backyard BBQ with immediate family and close friends. His upper class, gorgeous 3 story house in the suburbs family thought that we needed something much “nicer” and didn’t understand why we weren’t doing it. We explained that we were having what we could afford. And of course, out came the complaints that “Shouldn’t her parents be paying for that?” Well, my parents live in poverty and I was not about to hit them up for a wedding. My parents did give end up giving me a $100 check, and I knew that they scrounged for it. But they wanted to be able to contribute, however small.

Sooooo…after lots of badgering and guilt trips about how given my husband’s health history it’s only right to have a big celebration we agreed to let his parents pay for a larger, but still very modest wedding. I guess that was a ploy to guilt my parents into paying more, because every few weeks we would hear about how we needed to get my parents to cover XYZ, and they would not take no for an answer. Finally, his mom tried to confront my mom about it, and my husband stepped in and made it clear that if she approached my mom for money, that the wedding would be off and we would do the original backyard idea-and she would not be welcome. They simply did not understand that my parents could not contribute a cent more. And besides, in my family, the wedding is always paid for by the couple. (Probably because of money).

If you take a hardline stance, you have to be ready to graciously attend whatever wedding they can afford, and you cannot make them feel bad or guilty about not being able to invite the whole family like their sisters did. You also can’t make the bride or her family feel inadequate.

 

[Xantippe]

That’s totally fine, but you can’t do what my MIL did.

My husband and I fully intended on paying for our wedding ourselves, and as such, it was going to be a backyard BBQ with immediate family and close friends. His upper class, gorgeous 3 story house in the suburbs family thought that we needed something much “nicer” and didn’t understand why we weren’t doing it. We explained that we were having what we could afford. And of course, out came the complaints that “Shouldn’t her parents be paying for that?” Well, my parents live in poverty and I was not about to hit them up for a wedding. My parents did give end up giving me a $100 check, and I knew that they scrounged for it. But they wanted to be able to contribute, however small.

Wow.

Sooooo…after lots of badgering and guilt trips about how given my husband’s health history it’s only right to have a big celebration we agreed to let his parents pay for a larger, but still very modest wedding. I guess that was a ploy to guilt my parents into paying more, because every few weeks we would hear about how we needed to get my parents to cover XYZ, and they would not take no for an answer. Finally, his mom tried to confront my mom about it, and my husband stepped in and made it clear that if she approached my mom for money, that the wedding would be off and we would do the original backyard idea-and she would not be welcome. They simply did not understand that my parents could not contribute a cent more. And besides, in my family, the wedding is always paid for by the couple. (Probably because of money).

Wow.

If you take a hardline stance, you have to be ready to graciously attend whatever wedding they can afford, and you cannot make them feel bad or guilty about not being able to invite the whole family like their sisters did. You also can’t make the bride or her family feel inadequate.

Of course.

Your in-laws seem to have not gotten the memo that their traditional role as groom’s parents is to host a rehearsal dinner, show up at the wedding, and to smile. How hard is it to screw that up?

Your story definitely hardens my dislike of the bride-groom-bride’s-family-groom’s-family joint-funded wedding–it sounds like such a recipe for hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

 

[EasterJoy]

That would be presuming that someone is actually going to invite you to their wedding. I’m not going to track down distant cousins every time I move in case one of them might get married someday. It’s the host’s responsibility to make sure they have people’s correct addresses, not the guest’s.

Plus, usually the people doing the inviting are the ones who actually care about people attending their wedding. If you want to make sure people get your invitations, you’ll make the time to get correct addresses- if you don’t care that much, you won’t bother.

In our family, you call the parents and one of them (usually the mom) gives you the current addresses of their children, with the names and ages of the children. (Actually, it is usually the mother of the bride/groom who gets stuck making all these calls.) The bride and groom get the task of tracking down the contact information for their own friends. If you really want someone to come, you do the work to invite them. (No wonder it takes six or eight months to plan a wedding!)

 

[EasterJoy]

…Your story definitely hardens my dislike of the bride-groom-bride’s-family-groom’s-family joint-funded wedding–it sounds like such a recipe for hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

Well, you may as well get going with it, as a preparation for the hurt feelings and misunderstandings that you’ll have to cope with when they find out they can’t expect you every Christmas, Thanksgiving, and other major holiday, as if you hadn’t gained any close relatives when you married.

 

[Xantippe]

Well, you may as well get going with it, as a preparation for the hurt feelings and misunderstandings that you’ll have to cope with when they find out they can’t expect you every Christmas, Thanksgiving, and other major holiday, as if you hadn’t gained any close relatives when you married.

A wedding is on a whole different level, though. “Let’s all get together, fund and organize a huge expensive event with people we barely know. It will be fun!”

 

[Joe_5859]

In our family, you call the parents and one of them (usually the mom) gives you the current addresses of their children, with the names and ages of the children. (Actually, it is usually the mother of the bride/groom who gets stuck making all these calls.) The bride and groom get the task of tracking down the contact information for their own friends. If you really want someone to come, you do the work to invite them. (No wonder it takes six or eight months to plan a wedding!)

Right. It honestly wasn’t that hard for me. My mom is one of six and my dad is one of five and we invited all my cousins (knowing that the vast majority of my Dad’s side would not come because of distance). All I did was call my parents. My Mom talked to her siblings and my Dad talked to his. Voila! We had all the addresses.

 

[Et_Cetera]

I wouldn’t want anyone to come and feel awkward or lonely, so I would give a plus one.