Is it right to read your kid's diary?

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PaulinVA

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So, in another thread a parent talked about reading their 7-year-old daughter’s diary. It was suggested that a separate thread be started to discuss whether this is right or not.

I feel that your children need privacy in some things, and a diary is one of them, unless you suspect dangerous behavior. Just reading a diary to find out about what’s on their mind is so very wrong…
 
I think privacy is a request that should be honored at every possible opportunity. For my 7 year old, and I hope this same daughter when she turns 17.
 
I should also mention that my daughter sometimes asks me to read her journal, because she wants to show off what she has been working on.

Wanting to know what’s going on in your child’s head is a natural inclination, I think. Being sneaky about it shouldn’t be necessary–ask to read it or ask them to talk to you.
 
The purpose of a diary is to record private thoughts and musings. A diary is meant to be private, unless the writer chooses to share it.

A parent reading his or her child’s diary without permission erodes trust. We all have a need for some privacy, to retreat from the world and reflect on our lives. A diary is just a written form of our thoughts, and it should be respected as such, no matter the child’s age. A parent who would not even allow his or her child the privacy of his or her own thoughts crosses a line, and creates an environment where the child will be reluctant to talk to the parents about important things. Who would want to tell their child “you cannot trust me”?

That being said, I do believe there are circumstances under which reading a diary is warranted, for instance if a parent suspects a child is suicidal, or intends to harm others. Perhaps if there is drug or alcohol abuse, or some other dangerous situation. Even then, the child is likely to give other cues that should prompt the parent to address the situation, perhaps without reading the child’s innermost thoughts. Room searches, backpack inspections, etc- that’s fine. But unless absolutely necessary, a child should be allowed the freedom of sorting out his or her feelings as they grow up privately. A good parent will make it clear that he or she is always available to discuss anything and everything, and not go about trying to find things out about their children in secret.
 
I would agree to leaving it alone unless there are the serious circumstances the previous poster mentioned. Then I think we may have a duty to read.
 
Nope, it’s not. Absolutely not.
My Mom read mine. I had crushes on boys and said so in my diary (I was in the 8th grade) and my Mom made me burn my diary over that. If she’d have kept her nose to herself, we wouldn’t have had that problem. I REALLY resented her reading it and it made a huge dent in our relationship that had far reaching effects on me for many years.

So nope, don’t read. I did NOT read anything in my boy’s rooms when they were young and living at home. Not even if it was left open on top of their bed or dresser. I gave them the privacy that kids need. 🙂
 
I wouldn’t dream of reading my (future) kid’s diary purely for the hell of it. The only times i would were if my kid asks me to read it, or if my kid somehow got involved in things that weren’t good for them. Otherwise, no. It’s my kid’s diary, they’re entitled to their privacy, and i need to honor that. So what if what’s in it is just kid stuff? It’s still theirs nonetheless. 🙂
 
I have an 8 year old girl. She doesn’t currently keep a diary. She’s had diaries in the past.

Usually what happens is that we’ll be shopping, she’ll see a cute notebook (at the dollar store or at michael’s in the sales bin) She’ll have the notebook for about a week, and it will be her “diary.”

She is not circumspect about it at all, and will leave it opened on the couch or in the kitchen. I’ll pick it up and see what she wrote. Since she is 8, there really isn’t anything “private” to find. Normally a sketch, or when she’s mad at her older brother.

I think, though, as she gets older an becomes a tween and teen, she’ll probably become more circumspect, and I’ll respect that.
 
PaulinVA said:
So, in another thread a parent talked about reading their 7-year-old daughter’s diary. It was suggested that a separate thread be started to discuss whether this is right or not.

I feel that your children need privacy in some things, and a diary is one of them, unless you suspect dangerous behavior. Just reading a diary to find out about what’s on their mind is so very wrong…
Click to expand...
If you have a real concern you must read it. If you do not have a real concern you must give privacy to the child. I think that a parent has every right to invade the privacy of a child when it comes to the child’s welfare; however, I also think that there are major communication problems if the parent has to do that. Listening to our children is a task that must be developed over the years, starting when they are toddlers or younger. Good listening skills are essential to develop relationships based on trust. My son knows that he has zero right to privacy but he also knows that he has every right to have his dignity respected, building a two-way trust is of the essence in preserving the privilege of privacy.
 
After my husband’s death a friend encouraged me and my daughters to keep a “journal/diary” to record our thoughts. I duly bought us each a notebook which we covered in paper of our choice, I found mine very useful for sorting my emotions.

My elder daughter had been severely traumatised by her father’s death, and shut herself from the world. One day while cleaning her room I spotted her journal/diary. Hoping to get some leads on how she was processing the whole experience and where she was battling most, I opened it. Her one and only entry read, “I am only writing in this stupid book because Aunty X said I must.” - That was it, not much help at all.

Under normal circumstances I would not read a child’s diary, but as many have said, if you have some serious concerns, reading the diary may help, or you may draw an absolute blank as I did.
 
I homeschool my kids and one of them is very lazy about writing. He uses his “journal” for his writing assignments so that he doesn’t need to write separately. Im sure that when he gets a little bit older this will probably change, but for now my husband and I get a kick out of his view of the world, his dreams, his plans for the future. Yes, this son is 12 now but he is high functioning autistic so he is a little immature and his way of viewing things is SO different than ours. It has helped us understand him, and it has improved our way of dealing with him. Now granted he is the one who provides us with his journal since he has no desire to do writing assignments. I think that just as all kids are individuals it truly does depend on the individual child and circumstances.
 
I think you should probably have reason to believe something is amiss before checking. Just my two cents.
 
Cristiano said:
If you have a real concern you must read it. If you do not have a real concern you must give privacy to the child. I think that a parent has every right to invade the privacy of a child when it comes to the child’s welfare; however, I also think that there are major communication problems if the parent has to do that. Listening to our children is a task that must be developed over the years, starting when they are toddlers or younger. Good listening skills are essential to develop relationships based on trust. My son knows that he has zero right to privacy but he also knows that he has every right to have his dignity respected, building a two-way trust is of the essence in preserving the privilege of privacy.
Click to expand...
Agree with this. An automatic “right to privacy” is not granted to a child, IMO. Anything the parent has a true concern over, can be checked out. For example, I had surveillance software on my computer (which my son used) when he was going through his terrible phase of rebellion. It helped me to know what was happening and why. I have no regrets about it. I also read his diaries at times. None of this made me happy in any way - in fact I hated that I needed to do it, but I suspected that he might be using drugs (his behavior was erratic to say the least).

For a 7 year old, no way - not unless the child had other mental/emotional problems. It’s not necessary at that age. You can usually tease it out of the child, assuming he/she doesn’t just open up and talk about it. For pre-teens and teens, they probably aren’t going to open up. Do what you must do as a parent, to keep them safe.
 
As a young man, I wrote often in a journal/diary. The things I expressed were for no one to read. Knowing that I was free to say whatever I wanted was freeing, and helped me not only to write better but to process my thoughts better. Had I even a suspicion that someone was reading it, the whole process would have shut down, and I would have had a giant sized resentment to deal with.

I still have many of those notebooks, the oldest now from almost 40 years ago. I still keep them hidden away too, although I doubt anyone has any interest in reading them.

If my son or daughter was doing the same, I would not invade that special space.
 
My children are grown now, but if I had a “feeling” I needed to read their journal, look throught drawers, I did it.
 
=PaulinVA;10093046]So, in another thread a parent talked about reading their 7-year-old daughter’s diary. It was suggested that a separate thread be started to discuss whether this is right or not.
Click to expand...
I feel that your children need privacy in some things, and a diary is one of them, unless you suspect dangerous behavior. Just reading a diary to find out about what’s on their mind is so very wrong…
Click to expand...
I agree with you in principle; BUT a parent ought not simply ignore this opportunity based only on “kids rights.” On ocassions when doubts arrise; do it privately; but do it.
 
When I was a young girl, I’d keep a diary, on and off. The problem was, my mother was a difficult person to get along with and was quite emotionally abusive (I see now that she had an unhappy childhood, and I forgive her for how she acted, but it has really damaged my ability to understand emotions and love and even feel filial love for her, since it was just easier to turn myself off and harden my heart).

She had no reason to open the diary, but she did. I could never write about anything personal (and it wasn’t anything that would send off an alarm- and absolutely NOTHING that had to do with boyfriends), and I needed to, so badly. But I couldn’t, because she’d find it, even if I hid it, and read it out loud to anybody who was nearby, and mock it.

I have nothing against those who read because they want to protect their child, but this was nothing like that. Even now, I can collect my thoughts better when I write them, but I still won’t keep a diary, because I am afraid that she will read it. Yes, I am still a minor, but I am also a full-time college student, living at home.
 
There was another thread on this about a year ago, which may be worth looking for.

In short, unless there is a legitimately serious reason, I would avoid it absolutely. By serious, I mean something that is worth potentially ruining, or at least seriously damaging, a relationship with your child over and also is worth impacting their ability to trust others in the future. Snooping through your child’s stuff, particularly when they get older, is a fantastic way to destroy trust. Unfortunately, this damage of trust is not limited to the relationship between the parent and child. It will extend into other aspects of their lives. After all, if they cannot trust mom and dad to respect their privacy, who can they trust? This can also have the side effect of teaching the child that they need to hide things from their parents, and others, and cause parents to miss other things which could be of legitimate importance down the road.

This happened to me as a teenager, more than once, and even continued into my adulthood, and not for serious reasons either (my mother was concerned about what girl I was dating). This took the shape of her looking into my personal things (notes, journal, etc.) but also in the form of sharing things with other people about my personal life. To date, I am guarded about what I say regarding my personal life, job, faith, etc. with my family and friends, and pretty much anyone. In terms of respecting my privacy, I trust my wife, and that is about it.

So, bottom line? It is not a step to be taken lightly and parents need to think beyond the particular situation they are in and decide what kind of relationship they want with their kids, and what level of guidance they will be in a position to provide, not only when their kids are in their youth but when they are in their 20’s, 30’s, etc. Do you want to be sought out for guidance when your child is thinking about marrying, having kids, deciding things about their faith, buying a house, etc? If so, you had better be absolutely sure that whatever piece of information you are considering looking for right now in the moment, is something you need to know, and not just something that you want to know.
 
I’d never keep a diary if I thought a parent might read it. Period. All those secret thoughts, etc. would not be recorded anywhere a parent has access.

Or I’d lie in what I wrote. Or write in code.

(that’s one thing I never understand about diaries–it seems famous people who get in trouble with the law always have a diary that details their transgressions. If you’re going to break the law, how stupid is it to write it down?!)
 
Is it ‘right’? Well, it’s not ‘wrong’. You’re the parent, ultimately you need to take those actions you believe necessary to raise your child and fulfill your responsibilities as a parent. You will not have a do-over.

As others have said, there is a trust issue. I would not be inclined to read their written diary or journal unless I had very specific concerns, and I believed the journal would be relevant to those concerns.

However, they have no privacy rights to anything connected to or that can be connected to the internet. That is a very clear rule in my home. And it is as much to emphasize to them that nothing connected to the internet or txtd is private as it is to check the what/who of their postings, e-mails, txts etc… To clearly underscore that once they enter that domain everything is public info and they need to think of it that way. Because anything they put on sites- (facebook/tumblr) with limited access can still be copied and spread.

Those electronic sites are a double edged sword. As they get older they can be useful in staying connected to friends, keeping up to date on their groups (choir/sports/church), homework collaboration, projects etc. Of course, they need to be educated on and aware of the downsides- strangers trying to contact them etc. For a parent those electronic communications/sites are very useful in maintaining awareness of what your child is up to, their mindset etc.
 
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