Is it right to read your kid's diary?

[tafan]

If you feel compelled to read your kid’s diary, you’ve got some pretty serious parent-child, communication, and/or family dynamic problems going on. The only time I would ever read a diary is if I had reason to think the kid was an imminent threat to himself or to someone else.

I know of one family, before the days of cell-phones, but there was a phone in the teenager’s room. They had severe and repetitive problems with the child (drugs, law-enforcement, etc). These are very good people, whom I like a lot. Sometimes a kid just gets down the wrong path before a parent realizes what is going on. They actually bugged the kid’s phone. They had to use the information learned very carefully, and the teenager never figured it out. But the father told be he was convinced it saved their child’s life.

 

[Litcrit]

If you feel compelled to read your kid’s diary, you’ve got some pretty serious parent-child, communication, and/or family dynamic problems going on. The only time I would ever read a diary is if I had reason to think the kid was an imminent threat to himself or to someone else.

Precisely.

My family dysfunction was apparent in the instance where my (narcissistic) father gave me the silent treatment and I was supposed to guess it was because I’d written something unflattering about his (abusive narcissistic) mother in my diary and apologize to him for that. I was supposed to know they read my diary and that it was forbidden to record my actual thoughts in it.

My next diary was heavily censored. E.g. “Went for a walk today;” “It snowed today.”

I’m thirty and still have trouble being honest and open when writing down my own private thoughts, always only concerned about what others might think about them or if they would be offended by them. Heck, I don’t really even allow myself the luxury of having my own uncensored private *thoughts *about others.

My rule seems to be: if you couldn’t share this thought with the person you’re thinking it of, don’t have it. Censor it. Even if they’re sick or abusive or evil, they still have the right to your innermost private thoughts, and you don’t.

A diary is just like one’s private thoughts in one’s mind. You don’t have the right to them. Just the idea that some people feel they’re entitled to another person’s private thoughts makes me feel like I’m living in Orwell’s 1984. :bigyikes:

Foster trust and openness with your children. Give them the freedom to express their disagreement and anger. Make it safe for them to do so. Value their thoughts and opinions and them as human beings worthy of respect. They will then share appropriate and relevant things with you. Not everything, ever. That’s just for their diaries and perhaps a few of their closest friends.

 

[styrgwillidar]

…Foster trust and openness with your children. Give them the freedom to express their disagreement and anger. Make it safe for them to do so. Value their thoughts and opinions and them as human beings worthy of respect. They will then share appropriate and relevant things with you. Not everything, ever. That’s just for their diaries and perhaps a few of their closest friends.

No. Well, appropriate and relevant as they define it, not as you do, or an objective person would.

People are different, Two individuals raised in the same home the exact same way can respond very differently. Some abuse trust, some don’t. You can not make the assumption that there is a ‘correct’ way to raise everybody. Or that the way you treat them will automatically have them respond in the way you intend.

You have to tailor your approach to parenting, IMHO, to the individual child. I do not treat my children equally because they each respond and act differently. I try to do what works with each child.

 

[petitfleur]

I guess I am a minority here because I snoop semi regularly in my kids rooms, none have kept regular journals, and when they do they tend to leave them all over anyway. One. Of my kids passes notes to friends more than she should. She keeps all of them and yes I read the conversations. I have found large packs of them in her folder and warned her not to write anything that could get her in trouble or negative things about another person in case they get intercepted.
I noticed my 11 year old is very insecure, she keeps asking certain friends if they are mad at her, when they respond no she keeps asking. I have managed to naturally bring things up tp her in conversations and discussed these things without her knowing I read her notes. Unless there was something major I would never let on I was snooping.
One of my friends found sex toys and condoms in her 12 year olds room completly by accident without any thought anything was going on. She went in her room to strip the bed and flip the mattress and found the stuff. Was utterly shocked, her daughter is a good kid honor roll student, youth group attendee ect. Completely floored.

I am typing on my iPad and autocorrect is killing me excuse my seeming illiteracy.
Something else I am sure others won't agree with. When I was a kid I had dark thoughts. I kept a journal full of self pity. I truly feel that writing about it just kept my dark thoughts fueled. I don't think it is always healthy to keep a journal I feel it made it worse for me. I was Constantly focusing on the injustices done to me and how bad my life was.

 

[bunnykisses88]

When I was 12 and my sister was 16, our grandmother gave us diaries for Christmas. My sister was going through a rebellious stage at the time and would spend hours recording her thoughts in that book. (Nothing serious, just normal teen age stuff.) I’ll never, for as long as I live, forget the day she caught my mother reading her diary. The screaming still rings in my ears. My mother thought it was her “parental right” to read it, but my sister considered it an unforgivable breech of trust. For all practical purposes that was the end of their relationship. Even now, 30-some years later, there is no meaningful communication between them. The sad thing is, my mother is a really nice person who would go miles out of her way to help someone. I’m sure she’d give anything to have a close relationship with my sister. Unfortunately, she crossed a line that can’t be uncrossed.

So, in my opinion, unless you have a REAL reason to suspect very serious trouble, don’t even think of going anywhere near your child’s diary.

oh wow really? I’ve gotten mad when someone reads something of mine but it was never that serious.and now I know my hubby would read any private thoughts I write so yeah.

I will definitely keep all this in mind! I never realized what a big deal reading a journal could be…I’m a nosy person lol. then again I always try not to write or draw anything that I wouldn’t want someone to snoop and read.

I definitely don’t want to make my daughter not trust me. My hubby on the other hand…like I said he might snoop and may think he can read journals.

 

[BettyBoop416]

I’m guessing that what your sister went through was a bit more than “a rebellious stage”. When parent and child cease to have a relationship for over 30 years, it is rarely due to a single transgression, even something so offensive as breaking the sacred seal of a personal journal. Generally speaking, the transgression was a precipitating or crystallizing event, rather than a singular primary cause. It wasn’t simpy the Battle of the Alamo that put the Texas war for indendence from Mexico into motion! We remember that battle because in so many ways it had been a rhetorically effective way for one side to crystallize the nature of the conflict. Would you say that is true in your sister’s case, or are your relatives really that stubborn?

My guess is that your sister may still feel her independence is not “recognized” by your mom.

Keeping in mind that I was in my very early teens when this happened, I wasn’t aware of any ongoing problems between my mother and my sister. Plus, my sister’s rebellious stage really was just normal teen-age stuff. Arguments about appropriate clothing, hair styles, curfews, getting up for Mass, etc. She was always an excellent student (she became a physician), never got involved with drugs or drinking, never hung out with the “wrong crowd.” She has always been rather introverted, however, and very much resented having her personal space violated. When our grandmother gave us the diaries, she made a big deal of telling us how they were for recording our private thoughts and how we would cherish them in years to come. So, that’s how my sister utilized her diary. When she caught our mother reading it - game over. (I remember throwing mine away at that time too.)

I’m going to assume that the crack you made about my “stubborn relatives” didn’t come out the way you meant it.

 

[EasterJoy]

Keeping in mind that I was in my very early teens when this happened, I wasn’t aware of any ongoing problems between my mother and my sister. Plus, my sister’s rebellious stage really was just normal teen-age stuff. Arguments about appropriate clothing, hair styles, curfews, getting up for Mass, etc. She was always an excellent student (she became a physician), never got involved with drugs or drinking, never hung out with the “wrong crowd.” She has always been rather introverted, however, and very much resented having her personal space violated. When our grandmother gave us the diaries, she made a big deal of telling us how they were for recording our private thoughts and how we would cherish them in years to come. So, that’s how my sister utilized her diary. When she caught our mother reading it - game over. (I remember throwing mine away at that time too.)

I’m going to assume that the crack you made about my “stubborn relatives” didn’t come out the way you meant it.

If you mean was I putting down your relatives…no, not exactly. If you can hold a grudge for 30 years and it really is due to one serious lapse in judgement rather than an overall attitude that is incompatible with your terms of relationship, that takes unusual perseverance. Most people I know who have that kind of perseverance to principal refer to themselves as stubborn, no self-abrogation intended.

IOW, if your mom still insists that she was right to violate the terms your grandmother laid down when she made the gift, I think that’s stubbon. If she has repented of the transgression and your sister still won’t have a thing to do with her, then unless there are mitigating circumstances, that’s pretty stubborn. Not everyone has the starch to keep a feud running for that long after a* single *original offense.

My guess, however, is that your sister suffered from other emotional battles, and that one is “merely” the Alamo that crystallized the whole conflict for her. “Normal teenage stuff” can include legitimate complaints that were summarily ignored solely because the victim had been denied entry into adulthood. I would not underestimate the depth of that kind of wound just because it is so common. That is particularly true when the young woman who took offense was mature beyond her years and knew very well from the start up to the present that she fully deserved to have been given credit for it.

 

[Sarabande]

So, in another thread a parent talked about reading their 7-year-old daughter’s diary. It was suggested that a separate thread be started to discuss whether this is right or not.

I feel that your children need privacy in some things, and a diary is one of them, unless you suspect dangerous behavior. Just reading a diary to find out about what’s on their mind is so very wrong…

No it is not right to read your child’s diary. That is a private place. If my mother had done that to me, I know that it would have affected our relationship in a bad way. The only way I could possibly see it being appropriate is if the parent is concerned that the child is suicidal or having problems with drugs or alcohol. But even then, that is touchy. If the child finds out, could it push him/her over the edge before you can get the help?

 

[SamH]

Anymore, it seems that Facebook IS your kid’s diary! Make sure you are friended.

Agreed - that is the one you should be concerned with. What is posted in it is not private.

 

[JimG]

Agreed - that is the one you should be concerned with. What is posted in it is not private.

I worry about some young people because they show absolutely no sense of boundaries. They lay out their whole life on facebook, then link their personal blogs, and their linked-in account to facebook. It’s way too much information. It’s a danger. Put it in a diary, not online!

 

[Sarabande]

I worry about some young people because they show absolutely no sense of boundaries. They lay out their whole life on facebook, then link their personal blogs, and their linked-in account to facebook. It’s way too much information. It’s a danger. Put it in a diary, not online!

Yes. And then sometimes you see the parents start acting like children and the two begin their bickering on-line for all to see. It’s worrisome how people are that willing to put everything out there for all to see.