Is it selfish to not have the desire to get married and have children?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Hail_Mary
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
You need to study what the Church teaches regarding family roles.

Church documents like the Catechism, Mulieris Dignitatum, and Familiaris Consortio should be on your reading list. If not now, in a few years.

What your mother is conveying is a cultural approach to family life. The Church does not teach these roles as required or preferred.
 
Oh wow. I feel like this rings true. You can try reading this article and see if you agree with any of the points mentioned in it.

www.relevantmagazine.com

There Is More to Life Than Marriage - RELEVANT

This time of year, churches, banquet halls and barns get decked out in tulle and lights. Everyone seems to know someone who’s in a wedding, going to a
www.relevantmagazine.com www.relevantmagazine.com
 
If you disagree with your parents’ plans for you, in all justice, you need to tell them that you are not sure about this, and that it is more than just jitters. I am sure there are many preparations that need to be slowed down.

Obviously if there is a difference in religions, that would be a big thing.

If you do not think you can talk to your parents yourself, either get a go-between from your family, someone you trust, or write them a letter or email.

The other consideration is your fiance and his family. Do you know him? How does he feel about this?

College is a time of changes. Do not cut off yourself off from anything permanently, yet, since you have time. But be straightforward and ask for advice, preferably from trusted people who are well-versed in your home culture.
 
Hail_Mary said:
Sometimes, I do think about adopting a child and maybe be a single parent when I became older and have a stable job. I also consider that as an option as well. There’s nothing wrong with being a single parent right?
Click to expand...
Of course it would be wrong. There is no reason to adopt a child as a single person. There is enough married candidates.
It would be wrong for the child, he needs what is best, not some people who adopt by default because they don’t can’t procreate children as they have no partner.
The child need a family structure to develop well.

If you want a family, you should marry. And learn more of Church teaching on marriage and family.

You have time to grow before getting married, and looking at your post’s history, to “recover”.
 
Last edited:
1ke said:
The Church does not teach these roles as required or preferred.
Click to expand...
By the Tradition of the Church, the experiences of faithfull families, and the Church documents, we know that theses roles are prefered. Even if it is not requiered that the wife stays at home, the role of the mother and the father are differents.

for exemple:
  • Laborens Exercens, § 19
    " It will redound to the credit of society to make it possible for a mother-without inhibiting her freedom, without psychological or practical discrimination, and without penalizing her as compared with other women-to devote herself to taking care of her children and educating them in accordance with their needs, which vary with age. Having to abandon these tasks in order to take up paid work outside the home is wrong from the point of view of the good of society and of the family when it contradicts or hinders these primary goals of the mission of a mother"
  • LETTER TO THE BISHOPS OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH
    ON THE COLLABORATION OF MEN AND WOMEN
    IN THE CHURCH AND IN THE WORLD    , §III,
    "In this regard, it cannot be forgotten that the interrelationship between these two activities – family and work – has, for women, characteristics different from those in the case of men. The harmonization of the organization of work and laws governing work with the demands stemming from the mission of women within the family is a challenge. The question is not only legal, economic and organizational; it is above all a question of mentality, culture, and respect. Indeed, a just valuing of the work of women within the family is required. In this way, women who freely desire will be able to devote the totality of their time to the work of the household without being stigmatized by society or penalized financially, while those who wish also to engage in other work may be able to do so with an appropriate work-schedule, and not have to choose between relinquishing their family life or enduring continual stress, with negative consequences for one’s own equilibrium and the harmony of the family. As John Paul II has written, “it will redound to the credit of society to make it possible for a mother – without inhibiting her freedom, without psychological or practical discrimination and without penalizing her as compared with other women – to devote herself to taking care of her children and educating them in accordance with their needs, which vary with age”.
http://w2.vatican.va/content/john-p...s/hf_jp-ii_enc_14091981_laborem-exercens.html
http://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/c...con_cfaith_doc_20040731_collaboration_en.html
 
Last edited:
But not everyone can be called to marriage and it’s not meant for everyone. There are other circumstances in life that may not allow for them to get married or may feel like marriage can hinder them from pursuing a goal.

Does it really make someone less of a Catholic whether or not they get married? Marital status does seem like a very big deal.
 
Last edited:
For what its worth, I’m a 30 year old single woman and don’t think I’m called to get married. So it’s totally doable. But I wouldn’t worry about it too much right now. A lot of your reasons sound like you’d need time to sort out what marriage and family would mean to you, within the norms of the Church, and not what your parents want from you. In the US it’s pretty uncommon for college educated women to be marrying right out of college anyway - average age is more like 28.
 
Well my mom did get married to my dad right after she graduated from college. She was around 21 years old when she got married.

It seems like that may not be the case for me since I plan on going to graduate school for Occupational therapy and my parents did tell me that I can take a one year gap before I go to graduate school so I can work and get experience.

Anyways, I don’t feel like jumping into a marriage right away. I also feel like I may be better off marrying later in my life and when I am older and much more mature.
 
Hail_Mary said:
Does it really make someone less of a Catholic whether or not they get married? Marital status does seem like a very big deal.
Click to expand...
it is not an obligation to get married, according to our Church.
But if we want children, it is the responsible/moral way to procede.

Marriage is a big responsabilities and come with some graces.
 
I don’t know why but I don’t like idea of having sex. Few months ago, I was sexually assaulted by my ex-bf when he made me do oral and anal sex against my will. I feel like I may have lost my virginity. Anyways, I heard that people who lose their virginity before marriage regardless of the circumstances can not get married.This incident does haunt me until this day. So this did make me rethink about wanting to get married or having children.
 
That sounds like a plan.

Gain some experience living on your own and taking care of things by yourself building the necessary life and relationship skills for a marriage later on, if you so choose.
 
Sorry to hear about that.

However what you hear of non-virgins not being allowed to get married is simply not true. At least in the Catholic Church. I think it’s also not true for any of the Protestant Churches either.

Maybe it’s better to not think of the decision whether or not to get married but to concentrate on healing from your past experiences and gaining more life experience in general.
 
Last edited:
Hi @Hail_Mary!,

Coming from a Slavic background I have some similarities/understanding about the importance on honouring your parents + not wanting to upset them so my opinion on how to approach the topic with your parents will be different from posters who come from American background/culture.

If I was in your shoes I would definitely not forcefully say to your parents no etc except for the very last resort because this could cause discord in the relationship and family is number 1.
The last thing you want is to have a fractured relationship if it can be avoided.

It seems like there are two issues,cultural and psychological (and age of course).
Psychological in the sense that what’s putting you off marriage isn’t just “natural” but is instead from fear that your marriage will end up like your parents and also (very understandably) from the trauma of the sexual abuse from your ex boyfriend.
These feelings need to be dealt with first before just deciding that marriage isn’t for you:)

Regarding your parents marriage, I know of people in arranged marriage who some are still very happily in love and some have been very unhappy.
Unfortunately even in marriages “self chosen” some people end up very unhappy but usually not with the cultural issues you mentioned.

I also come from the background where the wife has traditionally been the housewife,look after the children,cooks etc.My mum is a housewife but fortunately my parents are also “modern” in understanding that these days it’s not always possible to live on one income and also they want me to have the opportunities they didn’t have back in the old country.

With your parents,how modern or strict are they?
Eg:are they open to you getting married abit later (ie:extend your studies)?
Are they accepting of you looking for a potential husband through other means too such as through family friends or cousins etc or not?
They could still ultimately arrange the marriage if you know what I mean.

As far as I know in Indian marriages you can reject the “suitor” if you don’t like them is that right? How many guys can you reject before your parents really put the pressure on and also can you get any opportunity to know these guys personality abit (even if the parents are around)?

The issue isnt so much arranged marriages or not arranged marriages but of knowing the character of the person you are marrying.
Eg:whethers he nice and supportive or abusive (physically or sexually).

In my view you need to wait till you are older and really find a way to get to know the mans personality first to avoid a repeat situation like your parents.
Also,because your parents may not be supportive if something goes wrong once married regarding leaving the marriage if they perceive leaving as shameful etc…

If you keep putting it off for some years in an indirect way (eg:taking up some more years study and saying you’ll get married after this) will your parents be ok with this “delay tactic”?
Ie:will they just complain or will they actually become confrontational or angry?
 
Do you have any Indian girlfriends who have got married a bit later in life?
Sometimes it can help to change parents minds once they see families of the same culture do things different.

Is your catholic priest also Indian or do your parents have any involvement with him?

Would your parents be accepting of you going to Indian nightclubs etc?

Does your mum know the ex boyfriend abuse or is that something your not comfortable with?

Sorry for all the questions!

I’m very sorry that you met a man who was sexually abusive towards you.This experience has understandingly affected you to feel that sex is overrated because the sex you have experienced has been “primitive”,selfish and unloving.
Basically a guy who can’t control their urges and uses a girls body like this is the opposite of what Catholic sex should be which should be selfless lovemaking and not sex for sexs sake.
 
Last edited:
I would really advise to not marry until you can deal with your abuse.
Try therapy, give you time.
You should be recover before marriage, otherwise, it may be an additional trauma for you, that may deeply hurt your relationship.

Recover does not equal to forget.
 
Hi @Rozellelily,

Well my parents do tell me that I can reject the suitor if I don’t like him or feel like he is not right for me. They will allow me to get to know him better before I decide to marry him. I also hope my parents will be more open to having a courtship before marriage.

My mom does encourage me to pray about my vocation and if she does realize that God is not calling me to get married, then my parents will not pressure me to get married.

I did not tell my parents about my abusive ex-bf yet. I do feel scared to tell them about him and the incident that took place. I did date him without telling my parents about him.

Anyways, I’m not with him anymore and I did end things with him when he broke up with me by asking me to be friends with benefits. I even blocked him on Snapchat.

I am also taking a break from romantic relationships right now after what happened with my ex-bf just so I can focus on my studies and discern my vocation without any distractions. I still feel conflicted about my vocation.

I am also one of those people who have high standards and do not settle for less but it is for very good reasons.

Anyways, I believe that love is more than physical and sex is only a small part of love. Plus, there is a difference between making love versus just having sex.

I do know that one of my family friends who did marry a bit later in life around the age of 27.

I also forgot to mention this but my 15 year old brother has special need. If my parents become very old and physically unable to look after my brother, I do want to be there to take care of my brother and I do worry that marriage can hinder me from doing that. I also can not guarantee whether my future spouse will be accepting of my brother or not. This has also been in my mind as well along with the other issues.
 
I understand you seeing our parents family friends having marital problems we question marriage and relationships. At the same time marriage can be a beautiful blessing and experience and is not the marriage is the problem but the 2 people entering marriage and if the love respect not control each other. Therapy will help you finding your self and talk to someone and vent out. Unfortunately is a tough world out there and is hard for even our parents to understand us with their own emotional problems. I am married and my parents fought awful but it didn’t stop me. Marriage can be beautiful as long 2 souls willing to compromise and love and value each other under God.
 
I know that marriage and children can be beautiful. It’s true that marriage is part of life but it’s not necessarily the main end goal in life.

Anyways, I don’t want to marry just for the sake of simply being married. I only want to do it when I feel ready and if God sends the right man into my life. I would rather get married for the right reasons instead of impulsively marrying out of pressure or the fear of being alone and then end up regretting it later in life. Also, I do have standards and I do not feel like settling for less but it’s for very good reasons.

Even if God does not send a life partner into my life, I will still be happy being single and I don’t even mind being single and alone for the rest of my life. I don’t mind sacrificing marital companionship in order to focus on having a stronger relationship with Christ and helping people in need. I will still love and serve God regardless of my state in life.

It seems like a lot of marriages in the United States are ending up in divorce with “the spark being gone” as one of the reasons.
 
Don’t force it or deny it. Just enjoy your single life and if is God will you will get married. I don’t think is selfish if you are not married if you are not feeling ready. Just because I am married doesn’t mean someone else has to. Always do things with God in mind and for good reasons. I don’t know about the divorces. I think in the old days I believe was always problems with married people adultery abuse etc since the beginning of Humans. Back then people stayed together because of culture and how they would be judged by others. Also now days with internet tvs etc news travel fast. 70 years ago women used to get hit or vs versa and it was normal in a way.
 
  1. You need therapy to deal with the abuse. This is an absolute, I would say, before you would be ready to handle a relationship.
  2. It is not true that a non-virgin cannot marry in the Church. I was a virgin at my wedding. Hubby wasn’t. He had been married previously, and had not become Catholic until after his first wedding (his ex was a non-practicing Lutheran who eventually converted after he did). He was living a traditional worldly lifestyle prior to that, IYKWIM. He received a declaration of nullity for his first marriage, and our marriage was convalidated 17 months after our civil wedding. We had been living as husband and wife since our civil wedding, so obviously I was not a virgin at the time of our church wedding. We were never told that we couldn’t marry in the Church because of that - as soon as Hubby received his declaration of nullity, we began planning our convalidation.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top