Is it Time to Break-up?

[all4jesus]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I don’t alway feel unattracted and skin crawly, and I know I have a very critical mind. I’m a perfectionist and I know that’s my fault. He’s not perfect, and neither am I. We both have things we’re working through.

There are other men I know who might make me ‘swoon’ but I don’t think they’re as good oof men as he is…

 

[ahollars]

I have been married for seven years, and before that I had a few relationships.

Here’s some insight: if his voice makes your skin crawl to the point where you can’t stand it, then go ahead and listen to everyone else here, and break up with him. Just be sure to tell him that your dumping him because his voice makes your skin crawl. He’ll say goodnight, drive home, and block your number on his cell. In six months, when you happen to bump into him (he decided to avoid you the whole time), his voice will no longer bother you. In fact, it will make you stop in your tracks. Voices do change over the years, especially mens’. You’ll wonder why you let him go, and was it really that annoying. He’ll have a new job, one he’s dedicated to because he sees a career ahead and actually enjoys it. You decide to reach out. He’ll be polite, but what do you think will be on his mind?

If you break up with someone over something trivial and temporary, why would they take you seriously if you happen to approve of them later?

Voice of experience. Think about it.

 

[forever_always]

Greetings.

I began dating my boyfriend, a good friend prior, several months ago.

We are both very educated in the faith and hold to all of the teachings of the Church. We’ve had a happy, healthy, relationship. However, lately, I’ve found that things that used to slightly bother me about him, now make me so annoyed!

They are little things: The way he slouches, touches his nose, uses the word “like” or “um” too much. But I’ve found, that now he can’t really say anything right! His voice makes my skin crawl and I’m not attracted to him!

I’m also worried about his dedication to his job and have found myself becoming so nit-picky -although, a job dedication seems like a big deal!

I’m not sure what is going on. I don’t think he’s changed at all, which makes me think it is my problem, not his. Is this a sign that things will only get worse if we become engaged/married, or is it as simple as I need an attitude adjustment?

I especially appreciate any advice from happily married women, who have gone through this struggle, out there!

Thank you so much!

I am going through the same thing right now… almost EXACTLY! Its really difficult. You can PM me if you want to talk about it… but I don’t have much advice yet…

You’re in my prayers.

 

[Norseman82]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I don’t alway feel unattracted and skin crawly, and I know I have a very critical mind. I’m a perfectionist and I know that’s my fault. He’s not perfect, and neither am I. We both have things we’re working through.

There are other men I know who might make me ‘swoon’ but I don’t think they’re as good oof men as he is…

And just how long would it be before you started nitpicking on the next guy? And the next guy? And the next?

Would you rather have someone with an annoying voice, or someone with a drug/alcohol/gambling/porn addiction, a fornicator who cheats on you, someone who frequents strip clubs, someone who misses Mass on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation, someone who would lead you astray by contraception, etc.? You know, the type of guy we see women complain about here in these very forums…

Or are you made physically sick by the voice (I mean true physical symptoms, like earaches or dizziness)?

The only problematic thing that may stand out at me is your statement about his devotion to work. Is he a workaholic, or just not ambitious enough (and I don’t mean that he needs to be CEO of a fortune 500 company by the time he is 29)?

 

[Norseman82]

Don’t feel like you have to date the guy because he is a good catholic.

Why not? Are we not supposed to put faith and morals at the top of our priority list? Don’t good Catholic guys deserve good Catholic ladies, and vice versa? Remember the part about not being unequally yoked to a non-believer?

 

[Primox]

Norseman82:
This is unrelated, but I love your sig. quote, Norseman.

 

[FrenchGwen]

All relationships go through phases like this - it’s completely normal. You will pass through this with time - all you have to do is wait it out, but this is really really important: you have to, first of all, not give in to the temptation to nag or to nit-pick.

I agree with that, and even the “skin crawly thing” : been there, done that !
There actually were times, several months after my now DH and I got together, where I just couldn’t stand him, his habits, his voice…
After some hesitations, every time I made the same choice: deepening our relationship, by speaking together about things we had’nt spoken of before, difficult things, where I was not sure we would share an opinion… every time I dared this step forward, towards him, I wans’t disappointed: his reactions were so great I fell in love with him all over again.
So that’s my advice: just go and try to make your relationship deeper, THAT will tell you if he’s the guy for you or not !

 

[Tosk]

Why not? Are we not supposed to put faith and morals at the top of our priority list? Don’t good Catholic guys deserve good Catholic ladies, and vice versa? Remember the part about not being unequally yoked to a non-believer?

There are a lot of fish in the sea. All I am saying is, if his voice makes her physically ill then maybe she should date some other good catholic guy. I wouldn´t be able to date a girl who had the voice of Fran Drescher no matter how saintly she was. Being a good catholic is the first prerequisite but I don´t think that all good catholic girls and guys will automatically be compatible for marriage just cuz they are both good catholics.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Good day dear, just wanted to jump in here and share some experiences… I have dated people with habits that irritate me…And everyone I know does something that’s a little annoying…No one is perfect and I am sure there are plenty of things I do that irritate others…First of all I think about my sister with her terrible habit of biting her nails, and I look at myself with my terrible habit of playing with my hair…Both really annoying and I don’t say anything to her and she doesn’t say anything to me…We accept each other with our issues!! lol… My bf has this terrible habit of never putting the toilet seat down when he uses it…One evening before he left he used the bathroom, then after he went home and I went to bed I ended up waking up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and I fell…that’s all I gotta say about that one…And another annoying thing is when he eats he chews so loudly and gets sauce and food everywhere like a little kid!!! LOL He cracks me up…I was upset about falling through the toilet, not fun at all, here I am at around 2 am taking a shower and then trying to wake his butt up to give him a piece of my mind!!! But when it was over and done I laughed about it…Same with his terrible food habits, I think it’s hilarious!!!

I only think about the good things and the reasons I am with that person and not the annoying habits of the person…First of all I don’t know what annoys him about me, but if he were to leave me just because I play with my hair or chew my nails I know I would be definitely losing faith in love because I would be afraid the next person would do the same…There have been times I have been extremely upset with him that I didn’t wnat to hear his voice at all…But once the storm has calmed I can’t be without his sweet loving words…and I miss his voice!! LOL There are other times I don’t feel like eating with him because he makes me want to throw up looking at him making a mess out of himself, LOL, but now we have a saying about food “it’s not good unless you wear it!” And I have found myself wearing food too and I don’t know if that annoys me because he doesn’t tell me and I would feel terrible knowing…just like I don’t tell him what annoys me about him…

Obviously I fell in love with him with all his quirks and attitude, lol, as well as his sillyness and annoyingself! LOL So I have to accept the whole package or not at all…

Every relationship takes work, lots of it…Still learning this… And I want to tell you that no matter what you do, if you can’t see past this then things will be the same with the next guy…

My gf is in a similar situation…Always going from one guy to another to another…Ok I understand dating more than one guy isn’t a bad thing, or anything like that, but I mean she finds something wrong and that’s it!! Her exhusband-first love- they have a child together…hurt her really bad… HE played her so badly ever since then she has had difficulty trusting…AND It’s understandable…But even though it gets pretty annoying hearing why she’s with another man in less than 6 months…She lasted in her second relationship for 5 years after her exhusband but she made the mistake of letting him move in with her and that’s when everything just fell apart…Why they didn’t marry? God only knows but now they are broken up because he was way too controlling…AND then she dated another guy whom she made the mistake of sleeping with him on a drunken rage of self-pity and the next day he wanted to be with her but the way he ate infront of her annoyed her!!! LOL SO she ended that before it even started!!! Then came one of my friends, she decided to see him, they would go out, and come over together, party and have a more friend relationship than a bf gf relationship…Well we all went to the lake and he came with his shoes and socks, soon as he took them off his feet smelled…This is a 6.5 ft tall man, with almost size 16 shoes and I mean there was no woman in his life for about a decade after his last relationship so he had no reason to actually perfume his feet!!! LOL And this guy is open to life, ready for a long term relationship, independent, and hard working, loves kids, and he’s a good friend… and he’s good looking too. I was like “girl what’s your problem? You finally find a man that’s willing to respect you and to actually abide by your rules and because his feet smell? It was 90 degrees that day and he was the only one wearing sneakers and socks and probably sweating before he jumped in the lake!!” But anyhow, she told him she needed space…She saw him the other day with some “girlfriends” and she thought he had all ready forgotten about her, she was all butt hurt about it…I was like what did you expect? For a single man to just sit around and cry because you decided not to give him a chance? lol

So now she asks me on a daily basis if he’s interested and if he’s willing to give her another try, if I have spoken with him, etc…I just tell her to go deal with it herself…She still won’t go talk to him! LOL

So hon give him another chance and try and work it out otherwise you might soon regret not giving it a try…If you decide not to give him another try then girl be ready to go through the same thing with any other partner you date…

Take care and GOD bless.

 

[organdy]

Voices do change over the years, especially mens’. You’ll wonder why you let him go, and was it really that annoying. He’ll have a new job, one he’s dedicated to because he sees a career ahead and actually enjoys it. You decide to reach out. He’ll be polite, but what do you think will be on his mind?

If you break up with someone over something trivial and temporary, why would they take you seriously if you happen to approve of them later?

I think if you read the question and take the voice thing in context, it’s not about the literal sound and timbre of his voice… she’s using it more as an expression. As in - “I ran into my ex-boyfriend and felt sick at the sight of him”. It’s not that the sight of him - his actual looks - are sickening in this example… it’s an expression we use when for other reasons a person’s very being makes us uncomfortable.

This thread is really interesting, particularly those posters who bring up “it could be worse” scenarios about men with objectively bad traits beyond a personality conflict. If the point of dating is to determine whether a couple wishes to proceed into marriage - why are folks encouraging a woman who has been dating for a few months and isn’t attracted to him and doesn’t like him and is irritated by everything about him to stay with him?

 

[flyingfish]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I don’t alway feel unattracted and skin crawly, and I know I have a very critical mind. I’m a perfectionist and I know that’s my fault. He’s not perfect, and neither am I. We both have things we’re working through.

There are other men I know who might make me ‘swoon’ but I don’t think they’re as good oof men as he is…

I’m also a perfectionist, but “skin crawly” sounds like a really intense and visceral reaction.

It is one thing to be somewhat annoyed, or somewhat unhappy with certain aspects of your partner, but quite another to have a physical reaction of disgust (?) to his voice.

You need to be with one of those men who might make you swoon. Being attracted to your partner is important, whatever anyone might say about good reasons for marriage, WANTING to be with that person is essential.

Even if one of those men is not as good a Catholic, mutual attraction and excitement about each other would make for a longer lasting marriage than you’d have with someone who might be good “on paper” but in reality occasionally makes you sick.