Is it unrealistic to be a housewife in 2009?

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I am currently a public school teacher (4th year) who is becoming very jaded by the environment I spend my working days in, both in terms of bureaucracy from administration, and the attitudes I encounter from students. I’ve dealt with a lot of job-related anxiety over the last year, which had me finish out the last school year on medication to keep panic attacks at bay. Recently, I’ve been feeling the same way, but with added guilt that I feel for not being able to spend the time cooking and keeping the house the way I’d like to for my new husband.

Making a healthy meal, having errands done, and keeping a simple, clean house is something that brings me a lot of fulfillment, and I know my husband enjoys also (although he is supportive and understanding that I am working and he does not expect me to be the only person doing any work around the house, so please don’t get the wrong idea.) The thing is that, as a woman, I actually feel very validated by being a nurturer and caring for our home, and I’ve not been able to do these things as well as I would like when I am working long days and bringing home grading and planning to do in the evenings. I teach kids who come from low-income, frequently single-mother households, who are dealing with a lot of issues. Frankly, despite the challenges of that population, I really do like being an influence on their lives, but sometimes the positive of the job seems so minute in comparison with my frustration at the state of the educational system in this country, and then the fact that I am devoting so much of my energy to that at the expense of having a sense of peace in my private, non-work life.

Anyway, recently I’ve been struggling with guilt for feeling like I would like to leave teaching to be a housewife and put my energy toward something where I see results, to put more effort towards nuturing my marriage and our home, and move from full-time working with needy populations to have a volunteer position where I could still work with needy populations, but have more control over the demands it makes on my life and emotions. I feel such guilt, as a young twenty-something woman who has a graduate degree and a good brain, for feeling this way. I hear my friends (non-Catholics, and secular, admittedly) talk about their commitment to their jobs and how validating they are, and I just do not feel this way in the least. I know my main vocation in life is as a wife and a mother, and while I like helping students, teaching itself is not a passion-- but neither can I imagine another salaried job being my passion-- so I don’t know if changing professions would make a difference for me. If I did leave my job to be a housewife, however, I worry that people will see me as lazy, or taking advantage of my husband.

Anyway, we have always planned that I will stay at home when we have kids in the next little bit of time, and while I know there is the working mom/ stay at home mom debate, I see that issue very clearly in my situation, and won’t feel guilty for staying with my kids. However, until we have kids, I feel guilty/ stupid for wanting to make caring for my marriange, husband and home as a housewife my “day job”, when so many people work full time and still manage their houses. I just wanted to see if people perceive it this way, or if there are others out there who share my feelings on this issue. Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut 🙂
 
Let go of what other people think about how you and your husband choose to live your lives. There will always be people who disagree with whatever decision you make.

I think that you are creating stories in your head-- about how people will think you are “lazy” for staying home. **So what??? **Someone who would actually think that about you is not not your friend, nor should you allow them to actually influence your decisions.

As to women who work AND keep house-- I think you overestimate what goes on in the homes of other working women. The ones who have really clean houses hire others to clean it.
 
I don’t think you should feel guilty at all. The big problem is that North American, and especially American, society equates worth with money, and so if you aren’t getting paid, what’s it worth?

Well, it might be worth you and your husband both having less stress and feeling like you’ve got a handle on your home life.

And as a homemaker with no kids yet, you will likely have time to work on other things on a volunteer basis. That kind of support has become very difficult to find for many organizations because of the two-income family becoming the norm. But I think it is actually a really important part of our social fabric. You know yourself what kind of help is needed in schools. Or look at threds here about larger families struggling because they have no support. There are so many important works that need to be done.

Another option you might consider is working part-time.

Your friends may not get it. That being said, among people I know many, once they get into the two-income lifestyle, start to see and feel the stresses it causes with trying to raise kids that way. Sometimes they feel trapped, but having examples of another way to live can be a good thing.
 
Hey!

I have been a housewife since March 2008. It’s pretty nice, but it does get boring at times. I am almost 7 weeks pregnant now so I will be a mom before long, God willing.

Actually, if you are planning on being a stay-at-home mom I think its a very wise thing to start to live on just your DH’s income. When I worked while we were married all of my money went into savings. We wanted to be a one-income family so that we wouldn’t get used to having tons of extra money laying around and have it be gone after kids.

Go for it!
 
I worked full time for many years and always thought that’s what I would continue to do as I found it very satisfying. I was blessed to become pregnant for the first time in my early 40’s and since then have worked a whole lot less, and now I’m volunteering much more. I find that when I do work for pay (about 2-3 days a month) I enjoy it, but I wish I could just focus all of my time on my family and volunteer activities. I’m able to spend more time in prayer, I attend daily Mass twice a week, I teach Bible Study and Sunday School, and I volunteer at a Crisis Pregnancy Center. My life is so much more fulfilling now doing the non-pay things than it ever was when I worked full time. It’s not just because I have a child, although that was the motivation. It’s a matter of priorities. I feel that I’m serving God more fully now (I know I wasn’t serving Him at all before).

Remember also that the feminist position (work is better than staying at home; you can have it all - work and family) is a lie. (I say that as a Woman’s Studies Major) You can’t have it all. Something has to be sacrificed. The question is, what will that sacrifice be for you?
 
Another note - about children. We tend to think of children as an inconvenience. God doesn’t see them that way. The Bible has many references to children as a blessing, and barrenness as a curse.

The Catholic Church teaching on contraception is an important one. We are to give our fertility to God, along with the rest of our being. When we don’t, sometimes we end up without any children. Another feminist lie is that you can have children whenever you want, so you should be in control of that. Many 30-something women have learned that isn’t true. You seem to be struggling with the many lies told to women your age. Look at the other side and maybe you will get past those lies and live a more enriching, holy life.
 
However, until we have kids, I feel guilty/ stupid for wanting to make caring for my marriange, husband and home as a housewife my “day job”, when so many people work full time and still manage their houses
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You married your husband, not the workplace. And in a spiritual sense, being a housewife is a job. Each of your little acts of love earns you a coin in Heaven, to speak in a figurative sense of the treasure in Heaven. Except, unlike an actual job, you don’t work for money but for the happiness of your husband. For love is concerned with the greater good of the beloved.
 
Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. They’ve been helpful. I do need to remember that how others view me is not important-- just how God views me-- and I need to get beyond the messages society sends about what is appropriate and look at the health and needs of my family and how best to meet them. I have been feeling very off-kilter this year because I think I’ve spent too much time pursuing the things I’ve been told I “should” do from society’s perspective.

Orchanian, I agree with you about the fertility mindset of our society being completely backwards against what God intended. The Church’s stance on fertility and family life (and Theology of the Body) is one thing that drew me back after years away as a Protestant. My husband and I are practicing NFP and would gladly welcome children now if we were given them, although he feels more apprehension about actively trying to have children right away than I do, so I’ve agreed to avoid for a while until he is on the same page. My desire would be to have them as soon as we could! I would guess some of my career dissatisfaction stems from that, too.
 
This is a decision that you and your husband have to make together. If you are now trying to conceive, you may find yourself a mother before the next school year anyway. If you can live of your husband’s salary, you may want to start now to prepare your house for children or you may want to save up your income as a ‘rainy day’ fund. You can also investigate part time work in your school district, local Catholic school district, or independent schools. Part time work as a resource teacher, aide, or substitue would allow you to continue to help the children while giving you more time at home. There are lots of options available to someone with a teaching license, look into them all, talk with your husband, and above all pray before making your decision.
 
If you can afford it, do it.

I left work and had a few weeks before my baby was to be born. My house was immaculate. Couldn’t clean enough stuff. Everything done, found I was bored.

Another stage brought stay-at-home Mom ready to volunteer. That was like having a part-time job. Busy cooking cookies for the hospital, telling kids they couldn’t have all of them. And I thought what was wrong with this picture. Quit volunteering.

If money isn’t an issue but you feel torn between much to do at work and at home, why not hire a cleaning person? It is difficult for working women to do it all. That would leave you to do the wash, shop and meals. Allow your husband to help. You’ll need his help now and when you have the baby.
 
Hi from a SAHM, stay at home mom. 👋 You need to do what is best for you, your husband, and your marriage. If you do decide to stay home and find that you have some time, you can also check into your local homeschooling community. I homeschool my 4 kids. They go to a homeschool co-op 2 times a week, and in our state, there is yearly testing. Being a teacher, you could be a tester and get paid for it. That is a seasonal thing.
 
I think we would have a stronger, more physically-fit, and civil nation if more women stayed home, kept house, made healthy meals, and raised their own children.

I think that many young women truly do not know how to do this. Many of their mothers worked, and most of the TV and movie moms work. I know young women at work who, when they have a day off, put their kids in daycare because they literally have no idea “how” to raise children. All the time, women in my workplace tell me that they are bored to death when they stay home with their children. Very sad.

My one suggestion to the OP is to somehow keep up your skills so that if you find it necessary to go back to work, you’ll be able to find and keep a job. Sadly, 50% of all marriages, including Christian marriages, end in divorce. Even women who are certain this will never happen to them find themselves divorced, and then they have to earn money. Also, in this dangerous world, men do die young, and women are left alone. Finally, even if the marriage is strong, a couple can find themselves in financial disaster if the man loses his job–something that happens all too often.

So IMO, it is important that any women, especially full-time homemakers, should be capable and qualified to get a paying job if they have to. I assume that it is easy enough to keep up your teaching license and be qualified to teach.
 
Hey I thought I’d tell you my background…

I’m almost 25 and have been a SAHM since June when my daughter was born. When I got married in June 2007 my DH and I both knew that I’d stay home when we had kids…and we wanted a family right away. But we also knew that financially we wouldn’t make enough on DH’s salary alone to send our kids to Catholic school but we have some savings. We decided to try for children right away and I’d keep working until we had a baby. Unfortunately I had two miscarriages our first year of marriage but after 16 months of trying to conceive we finally found out we were pregnant with our daughter. I stopped working a couple weeks before she was born–nearly two years after we were first married. During that time we were able to save up the majority of my salary and now that I’m a stay-at-home mom I’m so glad we did that. Having a child brings many unexpected expenses–even when think you’ve planned well. Our daughter had a hospital stay at just 2 days old that ended up costing us over $600…and we have good insurance.

Obviously this is something you and your DH need to discuss, but in my personal experience I’m so glad I’m a SAHM because I haven’t missed so many special “firsts” with my daughter…and I’m so glad I didn’t quit work too early so I wouldn’t be able to stay at home as long. I intend to being a working mom–but hopefully not until our youngest child is school-age. If we could financially afford me staying home longer, I would. So I would say take a hard look at your finances and what is most important to you. For us, Catholic school and me staying home with our young children was extremely important to us. That meant me working until we had children and going back to work eventually, but I’m ok with that. Good luck! 🙂

P.S. I’m an engineer and am keeping up my license and knowledge until I go back! 👍
 
As others have said, it’s a good idea that a woman is capable of being a breadwinner in a family since one never knows what the future may hold. But it is always preferable if a mother can be home with her children and it seems that is your eventual plan, God willing.

Typically what women in your place do is to bank their salaries in order to have a nest egg put aside for such time when the couple does have children. It’s a way to save and to learn to live on a single income. That’s not a bad idea.

But if you are becoming jaded with your current work environment and you can afford not to work right now then perhaps it is time to transition now into a different kind of teaching job which could be more compatible with caring for your own children. Perhaps you could look into some kind of situation where you tutor or work as a substitute. Maybe you could become credentialed to teach subjects that home schooling parents have difficulty teaching to middle schoolers or high schoolers. The point is to set yourself up so you can work a little or a lot depending on circumstances. You could stop working altogether when you have very young babies and perhaps work occasionally when you don’t.

If you are happy staying home now and taking care of your home now, and your husband has no problem with it, then go for it. There are plenty of things to do at home. But I suspect many women would have a hard time making such a dramatic change unless they have some sort of plan for making the transition. So I’d suggest not making an all or nothing change but rather something in between.
 
My husband has been a SAHD for just over two years (but starts a part-time job in two weeks and is looking for full-time employment), and I’ve had a turn at being a SAHM in the past and will probably get a chance to enjoy that role again for a season in about six months when my current job ends. I am really looking forward to it, and hope I can wrangle many more such seasons without breaking our budget as our children and family grow! So, it’s not just you who wants to stay home. Personally, I love homemaking! I do also enjoy my work, but I can be a homemaker and parent full-time without getting tired of it. It’s very rich and meaningful to me, and I love being my own boss. In contrast, my job starts to feel like a drag after about 20 hours, and I feel guilty I’m not doing something more purposeful even though I know my family needs an income and I’m the one in the best position to provide right now, and even though my children are in my DH’s capable hands.

You are not alone in enjoying the opportunity to focus on your family first and foremost, without an employer renting huge parts of your life. Plus, if you ever start to feel like you “aren’t doing your part” - sit down and calculate how much it would cost to replace the replaceable value you bring as a SAHM, and keep in mind that there is special value to having a parent at home that just can’t be gotten in any other way. Housework help is expensive, meals of home-cooked quality are expensive (especially if you are a good cook!), quality child-care is expensive, and then you probably bring your own special talents in to give your family a culture or flavor that is uniquely suited to your family’s tastes. With a skilled SAHP (and someone as enthusiastic as you either already is or will soon be skilled), things are less rushed and details are attended to in a way that you just can’t replace.

Finally, there is the extra value of mom, specifically, being home with young children: The increased efficiency of breastfeeding, the fact that mothers are generally the preferred comforters of their children (even in SAHD families, the children tend to prefer their mom’s comfort over dad’s when it is available), and the ability to manage your workload better so you can relax more before and after childbirth and focus on the new baby and the transition, just to name the first to come to mind. These are real benefits to having mom stay home, and we shouldn’t avoid talking about them just because we are worried about adding to working-mom “Mommy guilt”. All moms need to be supported in making intelligent, informed decisions about their family’s needs and preferences for her to work or stay home and then carrying them out, but having good reasons to stay home doesn’t mean that a mom will never have better reasons to work instead.

Unless your family has a very strong financial cushion (3 to 6 months expenses, retirement accounts, husband’s career is in a rebust field that is always hiring, disabiity insurance, life insurance, etc.), I do think the advice to “keep your hand in” and maintain your skills is pretty reasonable. My husband didn’t expect to ever return to work when he quit his job over two years ago to stay home, but then I did lose my high-paying job, and my new lower-paying job doesn’t quite cover expenses if we get hit with too many unexpected costs, and of course we did get hit - so we are learning the importance of this first-hand.
 
Hi Im sorry to hear you have suffered anxiety and panic attacks and are starting to feel that way again.
I became a “cover” teacher as it allowed me flexiblity in home life aswell as a career I thoroughly enjoyed.I also was a foster mother as my children were older.I had to give this up 2 yrs ago to care full time for my 2 disabled sisters and my mother came to live with us as she need so much care.I do occasionally run a creche or do the odd "cover"lesson.

I think you should talk with your husband about whats right for you both as a couple.I agree with others who suggested part-tme work (if you want to keep your career going).Or enjoy being a home maker with wonderful home cooked meals and you will feel on top of the housework etc.This would also allow you more time for attending weekday masses (my favourite) and volunteer work.One day soon you may be expecting anyway! I wish you the best of health and luck in this.It is for you and your husband to decide together.Good luck and God bless
 
This is a decision that only you and your husband can make. You shouldn’t worry what other people think of you.

How will your husband react if you become a housewife? It’s a difficult move for women to make, I personally would never recommend making it because I have seen too often that men lose respect for women who are housewives. There is always the possibility that your husband will leave you as well, for obvious reasons it’s preferable to have been working in that event.

Is it possible for you to look for a different job? Go back to school? Being a teacher and a housewife aren’t your only options. There is a whole lot to do in this world.
 
While it’s certainly possible to be a housewife on a full-time basis in 2009, I think it has to be said that there are a lot of jobs, including the one you’re doing now as a school teacher, which married women, especially those without dependent children, would have been expected to take on voluntarily in the past, which are now paid occupations. Almost all of the social care and ‘3rd sector’ work available these days is the result of these traditional womens’ voluntary roles being subsumed into the economy. By all means, your marriage is priority number 1, but marriage should be fruitful in the service it renders to the world in charity, not only fruitful in childbirth - instead of looking at it as giving something up (paid work), maybe you could think about it as what you can give back - what impact you can make on your local community and your church community by being able to dedicate your time to others through the loving support your husband provides.
 
I think the argument that “you shouldn’t stay home because your husband could leave you and then where would you be” is odd. Then the statistics are thrown in of how common divorce is in our society.

If you are in a sacramental marriage with a committed Catholic spouse who honors God, is the spiritual head of the home and understands that divorce does not exist, then divorce isn’t really an issue. My husband and I realize that our lives are tied together, no matter what…

Something bad could happen and one of us could be left lone, but something horrible could happen to anyone, preventing them from working or doing the job that they relied upon for years. Living in fear of what could happen doesn’t help anyone. Trust in God, pray and follow where he leads.

This quote popped into my head as I was scrolling through this thread:
26 Behold the birds of the air, for they neither sow, nor do they reap, nor gather into barns: and your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are not you of much more value than they?
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Matthew 6:26
Douay-Rheims
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And so far I have yet to meet a man who lost respect for his wife because she decided to stay home. I think my husband has become more respectful as we’ve grown together and discerned God’s plan for our lives.
 
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