Is it wise to marry younger women?

[excaliber]

I am getting baptised very soon, and I want to make decisions that will help me get to heaven.
I think marriage is better then lonely, however WHO dose one marry??

I know very nice spiritual people,
however it seems that because of past relationships they have past judgment on ALL MEN.
Even if they say they haven’t judged me based on what someone else did…they have put up barriers to protect themselves from what there ex did, and those barriers would be placed on me.

For example I like poetry romance etc…but some women in bad relationships have hardened there hart so that they don’t care about these things.

Which leads me to conclude that
a young virgin would make the best wife and mother.

Especially if you want the qualities that our Holy Mother has in a wife.
Because I only want to marry once.

Also it seems that women like older men. I could be wrong…any suggestions?

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hi there;

I am a bit biased. My husband is 10 yrs older than me, we met when I was in college, and he was 30. We married when he was 32, and me, 22. It hasn’t always been bliss, but no marriage is perfect. Marriage isn’t meant to be perfection, only Christ was/is perfection. But, marrying older was always in the cards for me, I always liked dating someone older. I think that there is nothing wrong at all with marrying younger women, I think as long as you don’t go beyond 15 years…I mean, then it might be a matter of what you have in common. I wouldn’t narrow your scope to only younger women, of course…keep your horizons open, as true love knows no age. I will keep you in my prayers, as you continue your dating journey, to find who God has in mind for you, in marriage.

God bless. *

 

[Liberanosamalo]

You are correct in saying that marriage is God’s plan for a man and woman to help each other get to heaven. I am going to answer your question from the point of view of a woman who has an ex and is just the kind of woman you think wants nothing to do with you.

First of all, you marry a person who suits your temperament and religious viewpoints. You marry a person who is honest and faithful. You marry a person whom you love and who loves you in return. It’s pretty simple.

Your problem is that when you get to a certain age, some of these very nice spiritual people have been hurt already. No, they have not passed judgment on all men. They have just put a wall around their hearts to keep from being hurt again. They look at every man that comes along and look to see if he has the same character traits that hurt them before. That shows they have common sense and have learned from their past mistakes. Some women don’t and marry one alcoholic after another, or one batterer after another. That wall is not impermeable. It has a gate. And you have the key to that gate.

All you have to do is be different than those men. Allow the women to get to know you. Be honorable. Be kind. Be faithful. Be honest. Be patient. Be gentle. Love her for herself, not her looks or her money or her body. You will find that once you gain trust, which older women often don’t give as quickly as those who have not been burned before, you may have found a wonderful woman.

Women do like poetry and romance. But often women have been suckered in by manipulative men who used that to deceive them. Their hearts aren’t hardened. They just aren’t going to fall for lies and pretend romance anymore. First earn their trust. Then let the poetry and romance be a nice surprise for them later.

If you are not a kind, patient, honest, gentle man, then they’ll see through that. In which case, leave the young virgins alone so that you won’t turn them into an older woman who doesn’t trust men because of what you did to them. Young virgins don’t always make the best wives and mothers. There is something to be said for women who have proven they can do that, who don’t just tell you they plan to do it.

Here’s something you may not know about those of us who were hurt and abandoned. We only wanted to marry once also. And a man who can come along and help us love and trust and be happy again will be rewarded by a love and gratitude in return that you couldn’t imagine.

Just be yourself. Be the kind of man who breaks down the stereotypes that many jerk men have built of the male species. But you have to get to know these women first. If you are a rare jewel of a man, someone will spot that. And age won’t have anything to do with it. And often women who chose wrongly the first time are very good at spotting the good ones and seeing beyond the meaningless exterior facade. Many young virgins haven’t learned that lesson yet. Which is why they end up being older women with hardened hearts. But you won’t win friends labelling these women as hard-hearted. Consider them “cautious” and behave in a way that doesn’t reaffirm their suspicion that you are just like all the others.

If you aren’t just like all the others, they will beat a path to your door.

And by the way, we women run into the same thing. Men who hate their ex wives for whatever reason look at us and keep walking. Which is fine. I don’t want a hate-filled man anyway.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

There is something to be said for women who have proven they can do that, who don’t just tell you they plan to do it.

I agree with what you are saying, but am trying to understand this point. When you say “that” are you refering to being a wife and mother?

Anyways, my advice would also be pray and be open to whatever may come, don’t limit yourself to a certain age group etc, though it is fine to have preferences.

 

[Morwenna]

You are correct in saying that marriage is God’s plan for a man and woman to help each other get to heaven. I am going to answer your question from the point of view of a woman who has an ex and is just the kind of woman you think wants nothing to do with you.

First of all, you marry a person who suits your temperament and religious viewpoints. You marry a person who is honest and faithful. You marry a person whom you love and who loves you in return. It’s pretty simple.

Your problem is that when you get to a certain age, some of these very nice spiritual people have been hurt already. No, they have not passed judgment on all men. They have just put a wall around their hearts to keep from being hurt again. They look at every man that comes along and look to see if he has the same character traits that hurt them before. That shows they have common sense and have learned from their past mistakes. Some women don’t and marry one alcoholic after another, or one batterer after another. That wall is not impermeable. It has a gate. And you have the key to that gate.

All you have to do is be different than those men. Allow the women to get to know you. Be honorable. Be kind. Be faithful. Be honest. Be patient. Be gentle. Love her for herself, not her looks or her money or her body. You will find that once you gain trust, which older women often don’t give as quickly as those who have not been burned before, you may have found a wonderful woman.

Women do like poetry and romance. But often women have been suckered in by manipulative men who used that to deceive them. Their hearts aren’t hardened. They just aren’t going to fall for lies and pretend romance anymore. First earn their trust. Then let the poetry and romance be a nice surprise for them later.

If you are not a kind, patient, honest, gentle man, then they’ll see through that. In which case, leave the young virgins alone so that you won’t turn them into an older woman who doesn’t trust men because of what you did to them. Young virgins don’t always make the best wives and mothers. There is something to be said for women who have proven they can do that, who don’t just tell you they plan to do it.

Here’s something you may not know about those of us who were hurt and abandoned. We only wanted to marry once also. And a man who can come along and help us love and trust and be happy again will be rewarded by a love and gratitude in return that you couldn’t imagine.

Just be yourself. Be the kind of man who breaks down the stereotypes that many jerk men have built of the male species. But you have to get to know these women first. If you are a rare jewel of a man, someone will spot that. And age won’t have anything to do with it. And often women who chose wrongly the first time are very good at spotting the good ones and seeing beyond the meaningless exterior facade. Many young virgins haven’t learned that lesson yet. Which is why they end up being older women with hardened hearts. But you won’t win friends labelling these women as hard-hearted. Consider them “cautious” and behave in a way that doesn’t reaffirm their suspicion that you are just like all the others.

If you aren’t just like all the others, they will beat a path to your door.

And by the way, we women run into the same thing. Men who hate their ex wives for whatever reason look at us and keep walking. Which is fine. I don’t want a hate-filled man anyway.

Wise words, indeed, Liberanosamalo! Well said! :clapping:

 

[Fidelia]

I am getting baptised very soon, and I want to make decisions that will help me get to heaven.
I think marriage is better then lonely, however WHO dose one marry??

I know very nice spiritual people,
however it seems that because of past relationships they have past judgment on ALL MEN.
Even if they say they haven’t judged me based on what someone else did…they have put up barriers to protect themselves from what their ex did, and those barriers would be placed on me.

For example I like poetry romance etc…but some women in bad relationships have hardened their hart so that they don’t care about these things.

Which leads me to conclude that
a young virgin would make the best wife and mother.

Especially if you want the qualities that our Holy Mother has in a wife.
Because I only want to marry once.

Also it seems that women like older men. I could be wrong…any suggestions?

In my opinion,
Well, first, I would prefer being with a man who was older than me. I feel he would be more mature. But of course there can be an exception. My friend’s husband is two years younger than she is, and there are other couples like that too. So while being aware of age differences is a good thing, it is definitely a flexible rule.

second, to say you specifically want a young virgin, is taking it a bit too far, imo. I think that is a bit narrow-minded. Being with someone who shares my belief in the Church’s teachings on sexual morality is very important to me also. But people do make mistakes, sin, and as long as they realize they did something wrong, and don’t want to repeat it, well, if that’s good enough for God, you should accept it too.
Are you saying you wouldn’t be with someone who wasn’t raised in the faith, had sex once or twice in high school, then converted or reverted in college, and went to confession, and is now living chastely?
Don’t misunderstand me-- I think you and I are thinking the same on sexual morality. I’m trying to point out that you can’t have a hard and fast rule like that as a standard. There are so many possible circumstances to consider, and you can’t be narrow-minded or prejudiced. Just keep that in mind.

ETA: liberanosamalo’s post was very good. I agree.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I agree with what you are saying, but am trying to understand this point. When you say “that” are you refering to being a wife and mother?

Yes, that’s what I meant. Being a good wife and mother. The problem with older men who marry young impressionable girls… if those girls “grow up” they may change in ways the man doesn’t like. Marry a girl, end up with a woman you might not like.

It’s one thing to want to be a loving and faithful wife and mother and run a house. Some women try it and they lose interest quickly. It’s hard work. And often thankless work.

An older woman may already know her limits and won’t make promises she knows she can’t keep.

That’s what I meant.

 

[excaliber]

You are correct in saying that marriage is God’s plan for a man and woman to help each other get to heaven. I am going to answer your question from the point of view of a woman who has an ex and is just the kind of woman you think wants nothing to do with you.

First of all, you marry a person who suits your temperament and religious viewpoints. You marry a person who is honest and faithful. You marry a person whom you love and who loves you in return. It’s pretty simple.

Your problem is that when you get to a certain age, some of these very nice spiritual people have been hurt already. No, they have not passed judgment on all men. They have just put a wall around their hearts to keep from being hurt again. They look at every man that comes along and look to see if he has the same character traits that hurt them before. That shows they have common sense and have learned from their past mistakes. Some women don’t and marry one alcoholic after another, or one batterer after another. That wall is not impermeable. It has a gate. And you have the key to that gate.

All you have to do is be different than those men. Allow the women to get to know you. Be honorable. Be kind. Be faithful. Be honest. Be patient. Be gentle. Love her for herself, not her looks or her money or her body. You will find that once you gain trust, which older women often don’t give as quickly as those who have not been burned before, you may have found a wonderful woman.

Women do like poetry and romance. But often women have been suckered in by manipulative men who used that to deceive them. Their hearts aren’t hardened. They just aren’t going to fall for lies and pretend romance anymore. First earn their trust. Then let the poetry and romance be a nice surprise for them later.

If you are not a kind, patient, honest, gentle man, then they’ll see through that. In which case, leave the young virgins alone so that you won’t turn them into an older woman who doesn’t trust men because of what you did to them. Young virgins don’t always make the best wives and mothers. There is something to be said for women who have proven they can do that, who don’t just tell you they plan to do it.

Here’s something you may not know about those of us who were hurt and abandoned. We only wanted to marry once also. And a man who can come along and help us love and trust and be happy again will be rewarded by a love and gratitude in return that you couldn’t imagine.

Just be yourself. Be the kind of man who breaks down the stereotypes that many jerk men have built of the male species. But you have to get to know these women first. If you are a rare jewel of a man, someone will spot that. And age won’t have anything to do with it. And often women who chose wrongly the first time are very good at spotting the good ones and seeing beyond the meaningless exterior facade. Many young virgins haven’t learned that lesson yet. Which is why they end up being older women with hardened hearts. But you won’t win friends labelling these women as hard-hearted. Consider them “cautious” and behave in a way that doesn’t reaffirm their suspicion that you are just like all the others.

If you aren’t just like all the others, they will beat a path to your door.

And by the way, we women run into the same thing. Men who hate their ex wives for whatever reason look at us and keep walking. Which is fine. I don’t want a hate-filled man anyway.

It is wise to protect yourself.
I have nothing against self protection.

But let me give you an example, I know a woman that was hurt by a mans poor decision making. Now she is not big on submission. Her new husband must now deal with
her not letting him fix things…make decisions… and she wasn’t that way with her ex, but her new husband will suffer even though he is not like her ex, because she dose not seem to respect men.
I don’t blame or judge her. But I want to avoid this.

I don’t see this in younger women
18-24. They seem free and happy.
It seems that you will be judged based on what YOU do.
That’s what I want, to be the ONLY
one in her heart…not me and her ex.

Now if a woman has been hurt, I feel for her. And I have 0…nada…zilch…no simpathy for men who take advantage. But how do they get that spark back? How do they believe in love again?
I don’t know.

But it would be terrible to have a life sentence cast on me for what someone else did.

The same with you, you don’t want some guy to sterio type you
eather.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

If I met a man whose wife cheated, I would expect him to be very careful to ascertain I wouldn’t do the same thing.

I wouldn’t take it personally.

It would take it as a judgment that he considers fidelity to be important.

Yes, the girls from 18 to 24 are free and happy. But that’s because they’re all shiny and new. I used to be one of them. I actually VOWED to OBEY in my marriage ceremony.

No, I won’t ever do that again. Because I realize that a man who would INSIST on submission is probably going to be very much like my ex. So you would pack me off with all the women out there who don’t submit anymore.

Hate to tell you, the young ones are NOT submissive. They’re a whole different culture from you. You don’t say how old you are, but I have daughters in that age range and their friends. If you think you’re going to find a whole lot of submission in them, I’m just going to sit here and laugh. That generation has grown up with the idea that nobody tells them what to do, not even God.

Yes there are exceptions. But what makes you think that you deserve one of them.

Because as I see it, you want blind trust and submission without ever earning it.

The older women will make you earn it. That woman you spoke of… if her new husband shows competency and virtues, eventually the woman will let him take charge. But she’s not going to surrender control only to find out he’s not competent and then have to take it back. And believe me when I say those of us who have had to do everything ourselves would LOVE to have someone help carry the load. But we’re not going to be blind and stupid again.

Do you want that in a woman? Blind and stupid? You don’t sem to want to earn trust. You want to skip that part and go right to married bliss. Well, you won’t get there with that attitude. And that young girl you find who is all happy won’t be happy when she’s got a house full of toddlers and you’re not helping and she’s sick and tired and the baby is crying. Oh, you say you will help her? How does she know that? You haven’t earned her trust. Or maybe you’re not one of those kind patient guys. Which is why you want to bypass the older women. They see through the facade. And you don’t want anyone who can do that.

No? Well, then don’t be afraid to earn the trust. Because something else will happen along the way. You’ll find out that is a two-way street. Your girlfriend will have to earn trust too. Being shiny and new does not always equal loyal and dependable. You don’t know how she will weather real life. Does she plod on with prayer and determination like the older women have had to do? Or will she bolt like a horse in a barn fire?

Earn the trust. There’s no shortcuts in life. Your friend’s mistake was marrying a woman before she had learned to trust him. Marry in haste, repent at leisure.

My ex doesn’t live in my heart. I wish he didn’t live in my state. But when I meet a man who behaves at all like him, red warning lights flash. If you make a woman’s red warning lights flash, then you need to examine yourself rather than blame her.

How do we get the spark back? How do we learn to love again? Not by meeting people who write us off because we got burned and learned caution the hard way.

You won’t have a life sentence cast on you for what someone else did. Not if you are different from other people. But that kind of black and white thinking will guarantee that no one will try to get to know you. Black and white thinking is a red light. So are generalizations like “all women are like this because one woman did this to her new husband.” And “all young women are happy and free.”

My next question to you… do you want an equal partner or a submissive young malleable female who will worship you?

Those have an annoying habit of maturing and then turning on a man who only loved them before they grew up and got a brain of their own. (Often that coincides with motherhood if it didn’t happen before, which is oddly enough when a lot of marriages to mysogynists start to fall apart.) But then that would allow the man the fun of playing the victim and announcing how all women are judgmental and hard hearted.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Ask yourself why you feel that if a woman were to compare you to someone who treated her badly, broke her heart, abused her or abandoned her, you would come in second place. So you don’t even want to compete?

And by the way… the young ones… they often have fathers who are very suspicious as to why an older man is so interested. They might see through you. With older women, you don’t have to deal with the old man giving you the fish eye.

 

[excaliber]

In my opinion,
Well, first, I would prefer being with a man who was older than me. I feel he would be more mature. But of course there can be an exception. My friend’s husband is two years younger than she is, and there are other couples like that too. So while being aware of age differences is a good thing, it is definitely a flexible rule.

second, to say you specifically want a young virgin, is taking it a bit too far, imo. I think that is a bit narrow-minded. Being with someone who shares my belief in the Church’s teachings on sexual morality is very important to me also. But people do make mistakes, sin, and as long as they realize they did something wrong, and don’t want to repeat it, well, if that’s good enough for God, you should accept it too.
Are you saying you wouldn’t be with someone who wasn’t raised in the faith, had sex once or twice in high school, then converted or reverted in college, and went to confession, and is now living chastely?
Don’t misunderstand me-- I think you and I are thinking the same on sexual morality. I’m trying to point out that you can’t have a hard and fast rule like that as a standard. There are so many possible circumstances to consider, and you can’t be narrow-minded or prejudiced. Just keep that in mind.

ETA: liberanosamalo’s post was very good. I agree.

You are correct.
I am bieng to harsh in sticking to a rule.

What do you think, would the women you mentoned be able to respect there husband?
Or would respect for athority be gone?

Isn’t it natural for a woman to want an older man that can lead a household, and natural for a man to want a younger women who would trust and respect his leadership?

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Again, trust and respect must be earned.

If it isn’t, it is not genuine and will disappear at the first sign of trouble.

No, it isn’t always natural for a woman to want an older man to follow around and obey. While some women may like the maturity an older man offers compared to the shallowness or undependability of her own age group, most women want an equal. They don’t want a new daddy.

Unearned authority has another name: tyranny.

If you are worthy, a woman will follow you to the ends of the earth and will respect your judgment. Just by your seeing value in her is the first indication your judgment isn’t totally off whack.

but you can’t leave it at that.

By the way, most older women have led their own household long enough not to think they need to become needy helpless maidens looking for a man to do it for them. They may love to have someone help out. But they’re way beyond being clueless how to change a lightbulb or how to make a decision.

If you want to make all of a woman’s decisions for her, don’t ever marry.

Again, women will trust and respect genuine leadership. But trust must be earned. I can’t say that enough. NO SHORTCUTS IN LIFE. Shortcuts have a way of getting you good and lost.

You use the word respect an awful lot. Too much. You insist on respect. Have you taken a look around at your male compatriots? Honestly? How many of them are worthy of respect?

And yet you’re ordering a woman you don’t even know yet to respect you? Why? Because you say you’re worthy of it? That’s what the last guy said and she believed him.

Why are you so afraid of doing the hard work and earning respect?

And respect for authority? What do you want? A daughter? What kind of marriage are you looking for? Your word is law? If you find one young enough she might fall for this “romance and poetry” you offer?

You’re starting to tread a fine line here. Your fixation on the young trusting and naive is starting to scare me. Just because they’re young doesn’t mean they are anything like the Blessed Virgin. Matter of fact, society has seen to it that such young women are a rarity.

You started out by saying women view ALL men the same. Now you are viewing all women over age 25 as the same. No, they’re growing up and maturing. If you don’t want an adult mature wife, just say so. Put an ad in the paper:

"Wanted: Child bride. Must be virgin. Must be willing to obey. Happy 18-24 year olds best candidates. Must have no prior experience in life to lead them not to trust me or want to obey me blindly and let me run the house and tell them what to do. Must be respectful of my authority.
Older women who have been hurt need not apply.’

Fact is, Excalibur, that won’t get you many good responses.

Try writing an advertisement for yourself. Read it and ask yourself who would respond to what you are offering and requiring.

And by the way, even daughters and sisters come to relationships with hurts and expectations and make their husbands “pay” for what their fathers did or didn’t do. No matter how young or virginal, every woman had a father, or didn’t have one when she needed one. And she will bring that to your relationship and you will feel the consequences of that for the rest of your life.

At least the older women have worked through the daddy issues by now and hopefully resolved them at the same time they resolved the ex issues.

You dont’ say how old you are or what cultural background you come from, but saving your soul will depend on a woman mature enough to want to save her own. Sometimes that comes with age and experience.

 

[Fidelia]

You are correct.
I am bieng to harsh in sticking to a rule.

What do you think, would the women you mentoned be able to respect there husband?
Or would respect for athority be gone?

Isn’t it natural for a woman to want an older man that can lead a household, and natural for a man to want a younger women who would trust and respect his leadership?

grammatical nitpick- “there” is indicative, as in, “there it is”-- “their” is posessive, as in “women and their husbands” I hope you’re not offended by me pointing this out, but I noticed you made the same mistake in two posts.

A marriage requires mutual respect. There’s no reason why a woman who may have had a difficult past wouldn’t be able to respect her husband, especially if she loves him. Likewise, a man must respect his wife also. When you marry a woman, you do not become her boss. You can’t demand or require a one-sided respect for “authority” (whatever that would be). Respect is a two-way street.

As has already been pointed out, trust needs to be earned, and should, I might add, also be a two-way street.

I don’t know whether it would be considered “natural” or not for a woman to want an older man, or a man want a younger woman. I just don’t know. But ability to maintain a household is not dependent on age. It is dependent on maturity, which is not always dependent on age (though it usually seems to be).

Don’t hold women you meet up to a check-list of ideal perfection. That is not fair to anyone, not to the women, not even fair to yourself. If you meet a woman who is older than you, and you fall in love, and you’re both comfortable and it doesn’t bother you, then great. If you meet a younger woman, and fall in love and you’re both comfortable with it, that’s fine, as long as she’s not so young that it would be illegal. There are so many more important things than how old your potential mate may be.

 

[Aislin]

The same can go for younger girls, you know. I’m sure there’s plenty of girls that have been in bad relationships in that age group so it’s not really an age thing. Now I’m a couple years out of that range and have never been in a relationship so I have no ‘baggage’, yet if I met a guy, Catholic or not, that was highly concerned with submission and respect for only him, I would run the other way fast. To me, that attitude would set off so many red flags. It makes one seem that they’re not really looking for a wife as an equal but someone they can control. There aren’t a whole lot of women who really want to be in that kind of marriage, if you can call it that, and usually the ones that do have a lot of issues so be prepared for that. It certainly isn’t a healthy relationship.

Marriage is a partnership where both spouses love and respect each other. A man wanting mutual respect with his wife is an attractive quality. A man concerned with his wife submitting to his ‘authority’ isn’t. Trust and respect have to be earned on both sides. Those who look for a woman to submit to them or write someone off because they may have been hurt and don’t want to bother with the whole ‘mess’ aren’t deserving of either.

 

[excaliber]

This thread is a good example.
Words such as tyrant and boss etc
etc has come up.
Obviously marriage is from The Lord himself and he did not set up tyranny.

But a person in a bad relationship
can come out of it with a warped view of what marriage is.

If you are Catholic you are under the pope and he is not a tyrant.
Likewise a husband canot institute anything that is in disagreement with the Lord.

However in our liberal society things get put out of context to excuse doing whatever we want.

I feel bad for women who marry thugs and alcoholics and abusers and such.
But having a bad pope dosent mean we rebel against all popes or all athority.

And what I have seen is that (SOMETIMES) women get married
a second time and far from being a little careful…they have formed opinions about all men based on there ex.

Now obviously the answer is not to marry a rebellious 18 year old.

However Holy Marry was a good example, as was many women in the bible. God was able to tell Joseph to take his family to egypt,
God did not have to communicate the exact same message twice to marry because she would listen to her husband.

Some say be like Joseph and the woman will follow. But it seems like when respect for the marriage
arrangement is gone its hard to get it back.

Im not an expert ofcourse, but it seems safer to marry to people that believe 100 percent in the marriage.

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

Liberanosamalo … all I’m seeing from your posts is that you’re judging this guy right away like all the other women. And you seem a bit anti-man in general.

Respect is a good thing. We should all respect each other as human beings. And guys should be given a level of respect. Not all of them are evil abusers waiting for a “shiny” 19 year old to destroy.

Personally I’m quite sick of the lack of respect men get. They’re either all portrayed as twits on television, or implied evil because they want a girlfriend who won’t judge them based on the morons she knew before.

How you got “My next question to you… do you want an equal partner or a submissive young malleable female who will worship you?” from him wanting respect is quite extraordinary actually.

Again, trust and respect must be earned.

If it isn’t, it is not genuine and will disappear at the first sign of trouble.

No, it isn’t always natural for a woman to want an older man to follow around and obey. While some women may like the maturity an older man offers compared to the shallowness or undependability of her own age group, most women want an equal. They don’t want a new daddy.

Unearned authority has another name: tyranny.

It doesn’t seem to me that he’s going to pick up a random girl off the street and marry her without even asking her name. I presume that trust and respect is sorta earned through dating. That is generally why women say “Yes” when proposed to by someone they… love, respect and trust.

If you drop everything at the first sign of trouble, you need to grow up.

He never said follow around and obey. He said “lead a household, and natural for a man to want a younger women who would trust and respect his leadership?” That isn’t a new daddy. It’s trusting your husband, not assuming he’s a male so must be wrong. Or want blind submission without question.

Tyranny? There is no tyranny in a husband wanting his wife to assuming he’s better than a tyrant because he’s a man.

You know the Bible does ask women to submit to their husbands, and for the husbands to love their wives, right? It’s the same deal. The husband should not ask something of the wife that she wouldn’t be willing to do, and trusting that, she should trust him.

You use the word respect an awful lot. Too much. You insist on respect. Have you taken a look around at your male compatriots? Honestly? How many of them are worthy of respect?

And yet you’re ordering a woman you don’t even know yet to respect you? Why? Because you say you’re worthy of it? That’s what the last guy said and she believed him.

And you’re disrespecting the OP and his whole gender- why? Because he’s a guy? There are lots of men worthy of respect. Skimming the thread, I have respect for the OP for wanting to be respected and not treated like dirt by the woman he loves. He is not ‘ordering’ he is generally stating that women who see most if not all men as less than worthy of even basic respect are not the kind he wants to date.

 

[Aislin]

This thread is a good example.
Words such as tyrant and boss etc
etc has come up.
Obviously marriage is from The Lord himself and he did not set up tyranny.

But a person in a bad relationship
can come out of it with a warped view of what marriage is.

If you are Catholic you are under the pope and he is not a tyrant.
Likewise a husband canot institute anything that is in disagreement with the Lord.

However in our liberal society things get put out of context to excuse doing whatever we want.

I feel bad for women who marry thugs and alcoholics and abusers and such.
But having a bad pope dosent mean we rebel against all popes or all athority.

And what I have seen is that (SOMETIMES) women get married
a second time and far from being a little careful…they have formed opinions about all men based on there ex.

Now obviously the answer is not to marry a rebellious 18 year old.

However Holy Marry was a good example, as was many women in the bible. God was able to tell Joseph to take his family to egypt,
God did not have to communicate the exact same message twice to marry because she would listen to her husband.

Some say be like Joseph and the woman will follow. But it seems like when respect for the marriage
arrangement is gone its hard to get it back.

Im not an expert ofcourse, but it seems safer to marry to people that believe 100 percent in the marriage.

No, he didn’t, and the Lord also said to respect each other. Why are you so concerned with having a wife that will submit and obey you? Is that all that there is in finding a spouse? Men who are concerned with that right off the bat do come off as controlling and a few other things I’d rather not say.

Just because a woman doesn’t believe in submitting to you and obeying your every word doesn’t mean she doesn’t believe in marriage. If anything, that sort of attitude is a good way to lead to a failed marriage since it most certainly will lead to resentment and unhappiness on her part. Marriage has to be a partnership in order for it to work. Neither opinion is greater than the other and things should be discussed between them. If no decision can be made, then each should take in account the other’s opinion and then submit out of love and trust to whichever would be best for the family. Yes, even the husband can submit if his wife’s opinion would lead to the greater good of the family. None of this “You listen to me because I’m the man and your authority!”. That isn’t love or respect.

 

[chevalier]

Hah, what can I say after all the wonderful elaboration that’s taken place here? Apart from trying to tempt Liberanos into the legal profession p)?

You know, it’s really funny because I have similar compunctions as yours but about marrying a woman who’s as young as you would like to marry.

I think 18-21 years of age, oh no, shock and horror, she’s only starting college or university, who knows how she will come out. I don’t even know what she’ll look like and that’s probably the slightest change that’ll have taken place. Her taste in men will likely change, her personality will, her values might. Who knows whatever she’ll be planning after graduation, including staying home or going abroad.

By contrast, I’ve generally always had good rapport with ladies about one to three years older, sometimes more. Wholly different type of conversation. Whole different level of understanding. Then again, when I was 25, I made friends with two very young ladies, aged 19 each, who were extremely nice to talk to even if they would have been too juvenile if I had been seeking a special companion in one of them. There some things you won’t jump over. They remain and they’re right at your feet, making you stumble.

Plus, many of the 18-21 age span are much into clubbing, which I generally can’t stand. It doesn’t annoy me in people, but it puts up a divide: I and they. Those in the 21-24 span also. Around 21 I dropped it like a hot potato. Not doing the same is a sign of being somewhat different, possibly not very compatible. And there’s a ton of other modern attitudes, interests, pastimes, I’m not a great fan of. I can be tolerant, but what point being with someone who’s so different from you?

Then again, ironically, I still have an easier time with those a bit younger than with those my exact age. That one’s the most difficult group for me, hehe.

All you have to do is be different than those men. Allow the women to get to know you. Be honorable. Be kind. Be faithful. Be honest. Be patient. Be gentle. Love her for herself, not her looks or her money or her body. You will find that once you gain trust, which older women often don’t give as quickly as those who have not been burned before, you may have found a wonderful woman.

… And become her friend.

And often women who chose wrongly the first time are very good at spotting the good ones and seeing beyond the meaningless exterior facade. Many young virgins haven’t learned that lesson yet. Which is why they end up being older women with hardened hearts.

True. And generally, older men have the experience advantage with younger women. You have the skills, they don’t. Your bargaining position is better.

And by the way, we women run into the same thing. Men who hate their ex wives for whatever reason look at us and keep walking. Which is fine. I don’t want a hate-filled man anyway.

Oh, do I have stories. Let’s not share lest we corrupt people and turn them into jerks.

It is wise to protect yourself.

I have nothing against self protection.

But let me give you an example, I know a woman that was hurt by a mans poor decision making. Now she is not big on submission. Her new husband must now deal with
her not letting him fix things…make decisions… and she wasn’t that way with her ex, but her new husband will suffer even though he is not like her ex, because she dose not seem to respect men.
I don’t blame or judge her. But I want to avoid this.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Thanks for the invite, Chevalier, but most of the legal profession isn’t devout like yourself. I’m familiar enough to stay away for sanity’s sake.

PL-Teen, I don’t dislike men. Unfortunately most of the posts you read of mine seem to touch on subjects with men proposing outrageous ideas or behaving badly, so you have the wrong impression.

I love men. I have wonderful male friends, brothers, BILs and a father. My opinion of men is based on them. Likewise, my opinion of marriage is based on what it should be, not the degradation my xh made it. Women my age don’t have a warped view of marriage. They know what marriage is NOT, though. It is not a servant/master relationship.

I did not start out judging the OP. I let him know he needed to get to know the older women and earn his trust before he wrote them off. Every post after that he wanted to argue about how he didn’t want to do that (reading between the lines) because instead he wanted a woman who would trust him immediately and be willing to submit to him. He even offered St. Joseph as an example of a good marriage where a woman listened to her husband. Of course he neglected to mention that Mary trusted Joseph with her life because rather than judging her harshly because of outward appearances, he refused to have her stoned and thereby earned her trust. By his actions. But St. Joseph was a patient man. and kind, and generous. The OP wants to characterize older women in a blanket judgment in a way St. Joseph never would.

I didn’t start the thread down the path of saying shiny new women were better than those who have endured or lived through longer lives and more experience. I just reacted to that absurd and insulting proposition.

How you got “My next question to you… do you want an equal partner or a submissive young malleable female who will worship you?” from him wanting respect is quite extraordinary actually.

Not extraordinary at all. In the post right before that he mentioned that he doesn’t want a woman who isn’t “big on submission.” and then he went on and on about the happy free young girls. Ooh, red lights. Flashing. Everywhere.

I never said I drop anything at the first sign of trouble. You don’t know my life. I don’t need to grow up. I said if there is not REAL genuine trust and respect, it (the false trust and respect) will disappear at the first sign of trouble. Ever hear the term “gold tested in fire.”

This guy doesn’t want to get to know older women because he has the blanket opinion they all should forget every life experience they ever had and suspend all good judgment and treat every new man that comes along as if he is honorable. By the way, that’s a good way to get date-raped. I don’t advise you follow such a course of action. No. A smart woman has learned from watching people and she will measure anyone by the good people she knows and the bad people she knows. The OP is sure he will measure on par with the bad people. Which tells me more about his view of himself than about the people who meet him.

Again, I’ll say one last time… he started out lamenting that he doesn’t want to do the hard work to earn the trust of a woman who has reason not to trust every stranger. Which he must be to all those women becuase if he had gotten to know them he wouldn’t be writing this here. He hasn’t let relationships develop to the point the women let their guard down. He immediately decided to find young women who haven’t yet learned to put their guard up. I warn my daughters about guys like that. It’s somewhat predatory. Yes, everyone needs to be treated with respect. But I haven’t heard one word from him about the respect he intends to give a wife. Just about the respect and submission he demands. Red lights. Flashing.

No, I don’t hate men. But many behave badly. And the prisons hold way more men than women. It would be a foolish woman who didn’t look for warning signs in someone based on her past experiences. I’ve known men who had been cheated on. When I encounter them, I don’t lament that I need to play cougar and find a young guy who has never been hurt because the men will judge me based on their cheating ex. I know I don’t cheat. If he cares to get to know me, he’ll find out I’m not like that. He’ll appreciate that about me. I don’t fear I’d go through life with him thinking I’d be a cheater. If he got to know me enough that I’d marry him, we’d be way beyond that and our marriage would be based on real trust.

The OP doesn’t think what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. He expects immediate trust from women. A smart woman wouldn’t do that.

It has nothing to do with male bashing. It’s common sense and how to keep yourself from being a victim.

Maturity is about accepting and loving people as they are, with the sum total of life experiences that form them. The OP doesn’t want to do that. He wants a brand new obedient girl fresh out of the box, no assembly required. Not practical, and not charitable, and not realistic.

 

[sanctamaria17]

I am in the generation that Liberanosamalo’s daughters are also in and I have to say, I agree with what she says.

This is why I am suspicious of a man much older than me being interested in me. I don’t even turn twenty until two months from now and I will be taking care of rent for the first time in my life! I’m also still in school, still growing, and still getting life experience. I don’t want to marry until I know who I am and what exactly God wants of me. I’m still figuring that out.

I’d also feel very objectified if a guy was primarily looking at me because I am young and I’m a virgin. That speaks volumes to me, like I have an expiration date or something. Or like my good Catholic girl friends aren’t good enough because they have a “past.”

I don’t want a man to lead me blindly. I want a man who’s my partner, my equal, my best friend, and my companion. I want someone who loves me for who I am,with all my complexities, characteristics and experiences. I want someone who brings me to God, who makes me laugh, treats me like a lady, keeps me sane (I’m one of those perpetually insane type A personality people), consoles me, and proves to be a trustworthy confidant. I want someone who wants a family with me, who works with me, as a partner, to raise children for God’s glory. I want to marry someone who would die for me, and I him.

I don’t need another father. I just got out of my parents’ house physically and I’m working on financial independence (I already started with spending money, then groceries, now getting to rent. Once I graduate school, I’ll be there). I’ve learned how to survive and enjoy living in a big city, how to get a job, how to budget, now working on getting an internship (so I can break into my field), and letting God lead me where He wants me to go. I’m enjoying my life, learning about the world, learning about myself and my interests, getting to know people, and deepening my walk with God.

I can’t speak for anyone, only myself. I’m just saying, I’m one of many 18-24 year old virgins not yet ready for marriage.