Is it wrong for me to change churches?

[Marie16]

To be clear, I will still be attending a Catholic parish.

This summer my closest (and to be honest, only close) Catholic friend and I had a disagreement that stemmed from a discussion about how I had been struggling with my faith. In my opinion, his response was very uncharitable and a lot of hurtful things were said. Shortly thereafter, I attempted to follow-up with him because I felt this needed discussed due to the impact it had on me - he ignored that request and has ignored me since. He goes out of his way to avoid me, even to the point where if I’m nearby he will not turn around during the sign of peace to shake my hand.

It’s all rather awkward and continues to hurt me to be treated this way within my church. I attend daily mass on all my off days and adoration throughout the week (as he does). I have seen some spiritual improvement since starting this and would like to continue. At the same time, to be repeatedly reminded of this situation multiple times a week has become emotionally draining.

I am considering beginning to attend at a parish close to where I work in a city an hour away. I like the parish and the priests and think I will be able to continue to grow there. It’s too far to do this every day for financial reasons, but I’m thinking at least for Sunday mass and then approximately twice throughout the week.

This might not be sustainable long-term, but I want to try my hardest to not let this negatively impact my faith life and this is the only solution I have come up with. Is there anything wrong with making this switch?

 

[Ann_Stanton]

One of the values of the sign of peace is to reconcile with those we have hurt or been hurt by. If this is not possible as in your case, then go to the other parish.

 

[Melodeonist]

Surely there are parishes closer to you than an hour away?

Also, try to make an effort to talk to your friend again. Just walk up and say hi, even if he/she doesn’t want to talk. Once you guys are talking (as long as you guys arent fighting) you’ll hopefully reconnect

 

[Brendea]

I often go to 2 different catholic churches my in laws live half an hour away and have a Saturday night service we have a Sunday morning service ( albeit we have the same priest) however sometimes if we can’t make the Sunday service we will go to the Saturday service or sometimes we will go to my in laws for dinner in which case we will go to the Saturday service before dinner. It means the kids can go to church with there grandparents which is something they absolutely love

 

[Francis]

@Marie16
say the forgiveness prayer i know its difficult to forgive,is it possible to speak to him and ask pardon ,but to keep a clear conscience, we need to rely on Jesus ,make an examination of conscience and a good honest confession or if possible attend a retreat god bless

http://www.usccb.org/prayer-and-wor...entals/penance/examinations-of-conscience.cfm

Before celebrating the Sacrament of Penance, one should prepare oneself with an examination of conscience, which involves reflecting prayerfully on one’s thoughts, words, and deeds in order to identify any sins.

There are various types of examinations of conscience but regardless of which one you use to prepare yourself for the Sacrament it should be rooted in Scripture; particularly, the Ten Commandments and Beatitudes. Below are a few examples of Examinations of Conscience that can help you prepare for the Sacrament.

Examination of Conscience based on the Ten Commandments

Examination of Conscience in Light of Catholic Social Teaching I En Español

Examination of Conscience for Children

Examination of Conscience for Young Adults

Examination of Conscience for Single People

Examination of Conscience for Married Persons

 

[Brendan_64]

As a Catholic I believe you are free to attend Mass in any Catholic church you wish. But it sounds to me like this is not a problem with your current parish, but that this is an issue between you and your friend.

 

[Marie16]

@Ann_Stanton

Yes, I agree, which is why it has continued to be so hurtful from someone whose faith I greatly admired before all of this. I hope that does not sound petty to be upset by such a small thing as someone not shaking my hand, but I know it goes deeper than that. I think I’ve done all I can in regard to the relationship.

@Melodeonist

It is more like 50 minutes, but there can be significant traffic with delays so I always prepare for at least an hour. There are 2 rural parishes (one 25 minutes away, one 40 minutes away, but mass offerings are limited at both). Other than that, the closest parish is the one mentioned. Besides where I live (with one Catholic Church) and the city an hour away, the rest of the surrounding area is very rural.

That’s the worst part. I have tried to talk to him. He wouldn’t speak to me.

@Brendea

That’s wonderful you are able to attend with your in-laws! I do know Catholics can attend at any Catholic Church. I guess my thing with this is I’m essentially wanting to make this other church my primary church, despite living within a few minutes of my current parish. & I’m doing such for personal reasons, not for a problem with the parish itself, so I do not know if it is ok to proceed due to these reasons.

@Francis

I have forgiven him and I have been to confession for this. He will not speak to me. I have tried several times, in person, by phone, by text. I wanted to mend the relationship but it has to be mutual.

@Brendan_64

Yes, you can attend anywhere. It is not a problem with my current parish, but with my friend and the fact the way he’s treated (and continues to) me is upsetting. That’s why I’m worried it’s not ok I do this because it is for personal reasons. It certainly does make it hard to be there. I want to be able to focus solely on Jesus in the Eucharist during the mass, but unfortunately I’m human and my mind can drift away even when I don’t want it to.

 

[Hope1960]

True. She could just it farther away from her former friend, or I agree with the poster who said that there’s probably another Mass closer to her than the one an hour away.

 

[Cjbhoward]

So… when you upset someone at the new parish will you return to your original parish & hope things are better or will you find a third parish?

 

[Marie16]

Yes, there are a couple rural parishes (approx 25 and 40 minutes away) where I could attend Sunday mass but they do not have daily mass often. There is only one in the town where I live. The area is very limited when it comes to Catholic churches. I’m trying to keep it as simple as possible so I don’t want to attend more than 2 parishes, which is why I mentioned the one I am familiar with (due to attending sometimes around my work schedule as it is a 7 minute drive from my workplace). On the other days I will keep attending my local parish to limit my driving. I just do not know if I can keep having these same interactions as frequently as I currently am (6-7 times a week).

 

[Marie16]

I have no intention of upsetting anyone… so I can’t predict this. I do not think there was reason for him to be upset to begin with as all it was was me opening up about struggling with my faith. I thought I could be honest with someone I was close to and was wrong about that and this was the result.

I’m not completely abandoning my home parish because I like the parish. I still plan on attending daily mass a few times a week, but would like to limit how much we see each other so I can take a step back and start to heal from this. I have never been this close to someone before or this hurt by someone I thought wouldn’t hurt me.

 

[Hope1960]

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know what it’s like for someone to freeze you out.
The only real advice I have to offer is sit far away from him.

 

[Dlee]

Is it possible that there is something else that could be making him uncomfortable? If you are female, it could be as simple as that. Without knowing all of the dynamics, it’s difficult for us to say. Perhaps he feels it best to avoid you for a bit.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

He is the one struggling. We are called to forgive, not hold grudges. Be at peace. Continue doing what you are doing , and where you are doing it. This is his issue to work through.
Pray for him. Forgive him. Perhaps offer him a Christmas card, since it’s the season, or get a Mass said for the intention of Reconcilliation, and let him know. The intention doesn’t need to be stated out loud.

Dlee has raised a valid point too.

 

[dshix]

Have you sought the counsel of a priest at that parish? Based on your description, it looks like your friend needs some correction in regard to his holding a grudge.

 

[Marie16]

@Hope1960

Thank you. Please keep both of us in your prayers.

@Dlee

Of course, it’s possible. I am female but that hasn’t been a concern for the 6 years we’ve known each other. It seems he does find it best. I really care about him since we’ve been friends so long and can’t understand this response to anyone you care about, but everyone will be different. I don’t want to keep asking myself why it’s like this and instead want to focus on my faith and am unsure if that might be better done elsewhere.

@Roseeurekacross

He doesn’t seem to be struggling but all I see now is how he is around others so I don’t truly know. I don’t think I’m holding a grudge currently, I would love for everything to be as it was, but I’m afraid if I continue at this church I will indeed become resentful. Just being there and knowing how he will respond to me causes me a lot of anxiety it’s so uncomfortable to go to church these days. I know I need to be there. I hope God understands I don’t want to feel this way. I will continue to pray for him. I will also consider having a mass said for this intention - that’s something I’ve never done before. Thank you for your response.

@(name removed by moderator)

I agree it could be a chance to grow and I’ve been trying to push through this for about 2.5 months now. I wish I could say it was getting easier, but it seems to be getting harder. I do ask the Holy Spirit to guide me when I start to get uncomfortable there as well as my guardian angel and confirmation saint (St Monica) to be there with me. I know they do and am so thankful for them. I know it doesn’t seem like I’m trying, but it’s been very hard on me. Maybe I will continue where I am this week and see how it goes. It took me a long time to feel ok coming back to the Church after sometime away and I’m afraid of losing that all over again if I’m not careful.

@dshix

I have not sought the counsel of this parish priest. I have discussed the issue with a priest in confession. This friend is very much into his faith and knows the priest at our parish well (much better than I do) and I have no desire to embarrass him. I do want what is best for him, even if that means he has nothing to do with me. I just wish he would’ve given me a little explanation for my own good.

 

[dshix]

I have not sought the counsel of this parish priest. I have discussed the issue with a priest in confession. This friend is very much into his faith and knows the priest at our parish well (much better than I do) and I have no desire to embarrass him. I do want what is best for him, even if that means he has nothing to do with me. I just wish he would’ve given me a little explanation for my own good.

Well, that is very charitable of you. It is of course up to you, but I would not consider it out of line to bring it up with this priest, especially because he knows this person well. It is the priest’s mission to do all he can to ensure the spiritual well-being of his parishioners, and oftentimes that includes dealing with difficult situations such as these.

 

[Cor_ad_Cor]

This is easier said than done, but having been in similar situations before, what you really need to do is find another place to focus your attention when the two of you are in the same place. Avoidance isn’t really the best solution. If you can find another friend (or make one) to sit near during Mass, take along a prayerbook to focus on, something, but basically, you need to move on… and let it be known that you have (although that’s not the important part, here). For your own sake, you need to get on with life acknowledging the reality of this broken friendship; you know in your heart where you stand. Whenever, if ever, he’s ready to make amends, he’ll turn to you - but you can do nothing to make that happen, and inconveniencing yourself as a result is not the healthy option. I’m suggesting you get on with your life in plain view of him, not for spite, but so that he can see that he doesn’t hold any power over you. Sometimes, people (especially those that carry grudges) thrive on what they do to you. When they see that they don’t exercise that level of control, they’re more likely to rethink the situation. And if he doesn’t, well, you’re still you… carrying on with your happy, healthy life.

 

[Marie16]

@dshix

Yes, I guess that may be true. If we’re being honest, I’m not sure what priests do besides the sacraments so this wouldn’t have been my first thought. I will go to mass early tomorrow to try and pray about what I should do. I do not want to create an environment for either one of us that might damage our spiritual lives.

@Cor_ad_Cor

Yes, this was my first inclination - that avoidance was the wrong path to follow and I should remain in my parish. I thought things might resolve themselves, or at least improve, with some time. I think it was easier in the beginning when my first response was to be angry with him for saying horrible things about me and then disappearing. I felt betrayed. The anger turned quickly into sadness and the mourning of our friendship and that I haven’t been able to shake. It’s not the norm for me to allow anyone to get very close to me, but I’ve always trusted him and he knows more about me than anyone else, including my own family. We always referred to each other as family and even after we fought he reassured me he would always be there for me, but after I asked him to discuss the situation it seems he changed his mind. I hope I have made it clear to him I am always willing to mend the relationship. You’re right, I do need to accept this reality and do want to move on. With changing churches - that was in my head a way of moving on, but I can see it’s not the healthiest. I will remain at my local church this week and hope some progress is made that I can find peace there and consider talking to my priest. Maybe I just had a bad week this last week.

 

[Cjbhoward]

This is why I don’t like the sign of peace. We stand there and get worried over what people think of us and turns into this drama when it’s supposed to be all about Christ.

Sounds like an opportunity to work on our inner self.