Is it wrong for me to change churches?

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Admittedly, the sign of peace is one of my favorite parts. It’s nice to see Catholics interacting with each other. We don’t have much of that at my parish. A good portion of the community can’t find themselves to stay after communion for the final blessing…probably about 1/4-1/3 of who is there… so I think it’s nice we get the opportunity to wish each other well.

But I see the flip side now. Now every time it reminds me of my current situation and I do not think it’s ok to ignore someone during mass of all things. I don’t see how anyone would think it’s ok to ever try to harm someone during the mass.
 
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Marie16 said:
I will remain at my local church this week and hope some progress is made that I can find peace there and consider talking to my priest. Maybe I just had a bad week this last week.
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And if you just can’t do it, you can’t. Don’t force yourself, don’t beat yourself up. Take a break elsewhere, and then try again. I understand how rough this can be. You’re in my prayers.
 
Don’t let this impact your faith life.

Forgive him. And continue to worship Jesus.

It is his choice to not forgive.

Pray for him.
 
Just go to worship Jesus and offer up all your masses for His conversion towards forgiveness.
 
Something similar happened to me shortly after I returned to the Church after an absence of many years. I confided in someone who I believed to be my friend and his reaction was to begin avoiding me. He used to sit beside me at Mass but after this conversation he begin sitting on the opposite side of the church and when I approached him after Mass he turned around and walked away. He never offered an explanation for his behavior and I never knew why he reacted that way to our conversation.

It did make me feel uncomfortable going to Mass at that parish for awhile but I love my parish and was determined not to let him push me out. I changed where I sat in the church so I wouldn’t see him during Mass and made no effort to speak with him. So, basically, I avoided him as much as he avoided me. It took me awhile to forgive him but I eventually did.

How large is your church? Can you sit up front so you don’t see this person during Mass? Since he has made it clear he doesn’t want to be around you, can you just let it go?
 
I’m not there for a social gathering either, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be expected as Christians to treat each other well - I would especially think so in the presence of our Lord. Our behavior should always be a reflection of our beliefs which would include the time we spend in mass.

I started this thread to get opinions on changing parishes not because my main concern was being worried about what others there are thinking about me but because when I am there this situation is putting up an obstacle to my spiritual life, which I believe is worth safeguarding. I do have pretty significant anxiety but trust me if I could fully control my reactions in this circumstance, of course that’s preferable and as stated is something I’ve tried for months without being able to return to my normal comfort level for attending mass. The goal of even considering this was so that I could focus solely on my relationship with Jesus while continuing to regularly participate in the mass.

I go to church for Christ too or else I wouldn’t go at all. That should be everyone’s #1 reason for being there. But no one is perfect and just because I’m at mass doesn’t mean the rest of my life disappears and I agree I shouldn’t have to worry about what others are thinking. There should be no reason for me to worry about this, but sadly that opportunity availed itself without my wanting it.

I do agree with you regarding silence in the sanctuary before and after mass. I wish there was more reverence during these times for people to spend time in prayer with Jesus.
 
I’m sorry this happened to you, but am glad to hear you were able to eventually move on from it. I’ve felt very alone in this and worried what others may think if I brought it up because it seems so obvious the most important thing should be being there for Jesus and nothing else matters. & I agree with that, but it does not mean this is not a real struggle that can negatively impact your faith life if you don’t tread carefully.

It’s a large parish with several masses (4 each weekend). We both tend to sit up front, but maybe I will try to sit up front in a different section from now on and see if it helps. Our pastor prefers us all to sit pretty closely together for daily mass, but for Sunday mass that’s a great idea and at daily mass I can adjust at least a little.
 
Marie16 said:
Is it wrong for me to change churches?
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No, you can change churches for whatever reason you like, and as often as you like.

Having said that, I agree with some of the others who have commented, that the awkward situation between you and your friend really shouldn’t affect your experience of Mass at all. You have acknowledged this somewhat, but it seems to me you do still cherish some wish to restore the “togetherness” feeling that you were used to prior to your falling out with your friend. But really, Mass isn’t about togetherness with the others in the pews. Many Catholics think that it is, of course, but this is a serious misunderstanding. For you to have lost your primary point of social contact during Mass is undoubtedly painful, but it may in fact be an experience you needed in order to force you to put your focus fully on communing with Christ. In other words, you should separate your experience of Mass entirely from any social concerns or needs. Deal with them completely separate from Mass.

There’s another thing that hasn’t come up yet in this thread. It’s possible that your friend is justified in cutting you off. You haven’t explained in any detail what the initial discussion between you and him was about, so I can’t be sure, but I’m guessing what happened could be something like this: Up until recently your friend probably considered you a reliable sister in the Faith, and during the discussion you said something that made it necessary for him to reassess that. From your friend’s perspective, this suddenly makes you a totally different person for him. Do you understand that? Me personally, if a long-standing friend of mine whom over the years had given me the feeling that he was a strong believer, suddenly started talking to me as if he doubted God, I would react similarly to the way your friend has reacted. It cannot be any other way, because a friendship with a faithful believer, as compared to interaction with a doubter or skeptic, are radically different things. You cannot expect to go from being a believer to a doubter and have your relations with strong believers remain the same. This may sound harsh, but I’m just pointing it out as something you might want to think about if you plan to make any attempts to mend things, and also so that you may ask yourself the question if it’s really him who needs forgiveness…
 
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Marie16 said:
I will remain at my local church this week and hope some progress is made that I can find peace there and consider talking to my priest. Maybe I just had a bad week this last week.
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That sounds reasonable. But this has obviously hurt you very much. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with attending another parish sometimes. If you feel it would help to have a break, then try it.
 
Hello. You’re conflict with a fellow human being is, unfortunately, all too common, supremely petty, and no good reason to force you to switch parishes.

Pray really hard for change of hearts in both of you. Pray to replace anger and fear with love.

It’s really a matter of practicing basic Catholicism in the end and it would be a tragedy if two people, pursuing holiness as intensely as you both seem to be, couldn’t overcome this relatively small conflict. View it as a test, a challenge to be met with Christian love and patience,
 
@Roguish

Thank you for your advice! In some ways you are right, I do desire to restore my friendship, but this is not my goal at mass or even in the near future. I do not wish to restore any sense of “togetherness” while at mass (though I do think it isn’t the place to make our negative feelings toward someone else known) but instead I want to be able to participate in the mass fully without any distraction. I do continue to try to not allow this situation to disrupt my focus, but it was a very painful experience and reminders come to mind pretty easily. If it was as easy as flipping a switch to separate the two then I would do such, but it is obviously a flaw of mine where I can’t do this.

To address the second part, your guess about the situation is off. Personally, I don’t believe in cutting people off either way because I think any type of relationship is a commitment to another person and when problems arise 2 adults should be able to discuss issues openly, which is something I have been denied. Moving on is fine, but imo not explaining yourself is childish and uncharitable when it could be an opportunity for the other person to grow had they understood what went wrong and if you ever cared for them you should desire such growth. Just my two cents, life has taught me most will disagree, but I believe people are valuable and deserve better than to be treated as disposable…

I will give a little backstory but will not display the whole of my personal life on the internet to be potentially ridiculed. It’s too easy to hide behind a screen and forget there’s another person on the other side. My faith has never been very strong. When I met this friend I was not a Christian and strongly disliked any organized religion because I had been taught it typically brings out the worst in people. I always desired to know more about God and how people viewed Him as loving or merciful so I sought out as much information as I could and eventually was unable to dispute the truth of the Catholic Church. I believed in the Eucharist the first time I saw it consecrated during my first mass. After that, i knew I had no choice but to become Catholic or reject religion in its entirety. I made a choice to pursue Catholicism, despite my doubts in a loving God, because I chose the logic of the faith over my feelings knowing it would be a lifetime struggle. My friend knows all of this about me, except he knows the full story and has for several years. I do see what you mean, but do not personally agree with dropping someone because they tell you of their struggles, despite your previous perception of that person. I’m not sure that kind of friendship was ever genuine. My first instinct would be to try and help someone I loved if they weren’t doing well in their faith. That’s beside the point. Our friendship dynamics did not change in the way you mention (faithful believer w/ the like vs faithful believer w/ skeptic) so I can’t fully assess that.
 
continued from above…

@Roguish

Personally, I think my faith has grown a lot over the years. I spent a significant amount of time out of the Church and only returned earlier this year but since that time I can confidently say I know I belong within the faith. I will always have doubts, but I am learning to accept that. I don’t think that automatically excludes me from God’s Kingdom. My friend did… in the course of the conversation he began to refer to me as evil (and called me “Satan”). There wasn’t a lot, if any, new information about my faith shared in this conversation. I had started it by asking about some things people do during mass that seemed like personal habits (like repeatedly crossing yourself, genuflecting at communion, holding hands during the Our Father, there was more… all along those lines, but can’t recall at this moment) and I said I was confused to see how much some of these things had changed in the short time I have been Catholic and wanted to learn more about them because I wanted to make sure the way I worship is appropriate (bad word, hopefully that makes sense). His response seemed to come out of nowhere considering the discussion, which is why I’ve been so confused by it all.

@angel12

Thank you for your kindness. I will reconsider trying the new parish after this week if it doesn’t go well.

@fhansen

Yes, I will certainly increase my prayers for this situation. I have been praying, but it does not seem to have been enough. I don’t feel so much angry as confused and hurt but none of these are healthy and I do recognize that. I have been viewing it as a way to test the extent of my love and will work more on this because there is much improvement to be made.
 
This is not a good person, based on what you say. All it took was you mentioning your struggles to bring out his true colors, so at least now you know his true character. I would forgive him and pray for him but not try to reconcile the friendship, personally. Anyone that would call you evil and satan was never a true friend and is of low character. I wouldnt let a person like this cause you to drive so far out of your way. That long drive is probably more likely to remind you of the problem, anyway. I would just sit in a different section, definitely nowhere near enough to be within range during the sign of peace. It’s telling that this person is acting the way they are yet makes no effort to distance himself from you. The other poster is probably right that he enjoys the effect he’s having on you. Just sit far enough away so that he isn’t in your range of vision at all, and carry on. Make an effort to make new friends in church. You could join a ministry or bible study and meet new people that way. I will pray they wou are able to work past this and not let this person take away from your faith.
 
I don’t think its morally wrong to attend another church outside your parish.

But its sort of short sighted. The folks in your own parish are your neighbors and acquaintances, and there is a lot to be said for mending fences and allowing your differences to be resolved.

If you hurting a lot right now, I think its ok to attend temporarily at another church, but the plan should be to return home.
 
May Our Lord help you to know yourself as He sees and knows you. I had a friend who was constantly negative, critical, fault-finding, and caused me a lot of inner turmoil as I observed this behavior, and it was a downer for me spiritually. Through prayer, I learned that I needed to abandon this friendship for my own peace and spiritual well-being. I still pray for her, asking God to give her meekness, humility, patience and learn how disruptive her carping was becoming.

All I can say is, that he may be in a spiritual turmoil, not wanting to offend you, but having enough of the negativity, especially if he is striving to stay close to Christ. It hurts to hear another demean our faith and regularly raise questions that are easily learned from the CCC.

This is not saying you are argumentative, but to consider that your friend is also suffering from interaction with you, and he may have received Christ’s guidance to let go of the relationship (for now).

If there is to be any good gained from resuming the friendship, ask God to heal what is amiss, and leave the matter in His hands to remedy.
 
Marie16 said:
I will always have doubts, but I am learning to accept that. I don’t think that automatically excludes me from God’s Kingdom. My friend did… in the course of the conversation he began to refer to me as evil (and called me “Satan”). […]
I had started it by asking about some things people do during mass like repeatedly crossing yourself, genuflecting at communion, holding hands during the Our Father, there was more…
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The things you mention here were not at all doubts of “faith” but seem to me (and him) to be nitpicking and overly concerned about how others act. None of this should bother you in the slightest, how others choose to express their worship. If this has been a consistent practice of you bringing this up to him, I can appreciate that he would believe you are being tempted by our enemy to observe the specks in another’s eye. He is probably not strong enough to shake it off, and released himself from “occasions of sin” that he may be experiencing in your confrontations. I hope this is helpful for you and that you will really take it to heart in prayer.
 
Personally at this point I wouldn’t try to contact him. He doesn’t want to communicate with you so it’s better if you just let it be his problem, not yours. Just go about your business. You worship and go to adoration at the church that YOU believe to be best for your spiritual growth. It’s not about him.
 
That was me stating how the conversation started and not the fullness of where it led but I have no desire for all my thoughts to be picked apart by others. These aren’t things that bother me that people do, but I was interested in the reasoning behind them in a way to know if they would be beneficial to my own journey. It was an observance I shared with a friend and nothing more. & this was actually the first time I brought that particular topic up as I began to notice it more when I started attending mass several times a week. It wasn’t as obvious before. Of course, I will take it to prayer. It hasn’t been easy to do but I am still trying to seek to grow in holiness through it.

I do need to think more of if he may be suffering himself. That I don’t know. I understand how questioning and negativity can affect others because I have been there myself in other relationships … I do not think that excuses the behavior still and think at a minimum you owe it to someone you care for to make your intentions known to them - even if that means you will no longer be a part of their lives. It’s not hard to say that instead of playing games.
 
Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment. I appreciate everyone’s thoughts on the subject and will take all considerations to prayer.

I will no longer be replying to this thread because the subject has drifted away from the original question (about the morality of changing churches) and more into an examination of the circumstances surrounding this relationship which was not the point even if I did accidentally turn the conversation in that direction. I am grateful for the advice however. But I don’t want my personal life under a microscope, especially during a time where I am already trying to navigate multiple areas of hurt in my life. I hope this is reasonable.

God bless and again thank you for any and all help. I am very appreciative of all prayer. If you would like me to pray for you (or just need to chat), please feel free to message me at any time.
 
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I don’t see an issue. I’ve received advice on the boards to to talk to my wife about changing parishes where her and the kids are members at due to some things that we’ve experienced.

I don’t think it’s a big deal.
 
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