Is it wrong for my husband to look at other girls?

[Lorelei12]

If you have been married four years, have you ever noticed this behavior before? Even before you were married?

I’m just wondering because I knew before I married my husband that he was the kind of man who had good custody of his eyes, and that was attractive to me. Whether we are at the beach, the mall, or even watching a movie, he does not ever “ogle” a woman, first out of respect for me and also out of respect for the other woman, even if she is dressed provocatively. It is one thing to notice and have a passing glance, but what your husband is doing is way beyond that.

So I would say no, you are not wrong for worrying, and no, this is not okay. I guess you can’t help what he does, but he is being inappropriate and insulting, and dismissive of your feelings. Men who do that embarrass themselves, too. I think how you approach it depends on whether this is a common occurrence or not. If he has never done this before, I might try to talk to him again about it, once, and then let it go. If this is a pattern, it might need to involve counseling and a little more in depth attention.

 

[LongingSoul]

Hello everyone, I just have a very brief question… My husband and I have been married for 4 years now and we just went to this water park over the weekend and I noticed he was looking at other girls in bikinis… I know people look at other ppl… We are all human. But, he was doing the double, triple, Sometimes looking at a girl’s bodies until it was no longer in view. And it wasn’t just at their faces either. I mean he was looking at private areas. So, I finally came up with the courage to confront him about it because it has been bugging me. And he claims he has done nothing wrong and turned everything around on me, stating that I “am mean”. Yes, I am jealous to a certain extent. I don’t want my husband lusting (at least thats what it seemed he was doing) after other women. And, I might add he wanted to jump IMMEDIATELY into bed when we got home claiming"I am extra hot today, honey".
So… my question is this… Am I wrong for worrying? Is this okay in a marriage?

He certainly displayed a shocking immaturity and selfishness that is harmful to marriage.

I’d suggest collecting your thoughts and feelings… let him know that you were deeply hurt by his behaviour. (Don’t expect remorse or understanding. It might take time or go over his head completely)

I’d suggest you book yourself some counselling to have help in dealing with this rubbish behaviour. Many women just resign themselves to it and suffer for it. You have the chance here to set your own boundries and rules regarding the relationship. If he isn’t up for it, then at least he will be aware that you are more than just a piece of equipment there to serve his needs. You deserve better and he can just meet your mark or not. At least the lines are clearly defined by your minimum standards.

 

[bmaj]

Hello everyone, I just have a very brief question… My husband and I have been married for 4 years now and we just went to this water park over the weekend and I noticed he was looking at other girls in bikinis… I know people look at other ppl… We are all human. But, he was doing the double, triple, Sometimes looking at a girl’s bodies until it was no longer in view. And it wasn’t just at their faces either. I mean he was looking at private areas. So, I finally came up with the courage to confront him about it because it has been bugging me. And he claims he has done nothing wrong and turned everything around on me, stating that I “am mean”. Yes, I am jealous to a certain extent. I don’t want my husband lusting (at least thats what it seemed he was doing) after other women. And, I might add he wanted to jump IMMEDIATELY into bed when we got home claiming"I am extra hot today, honey".
So… my question is this… Am I wrong for worrying? Is this okay in a marriage?

You’re definitely not wrong for worrying, secondop. It’s not okay in a marriage and IMO truly hurtful for most wives to witness, including me. I’m married several decades, and my husband still does double and triple takes like that, sometimes keeping his eyes glued until the girl is out of sight - so the immaturity can sadly last a lifetime. Mine often tries to turn the tables as yours did if I mention it and blame it on me being ridiculous. I’ve found the best way to deal with it is to try to discuss it calmly, gently, and rationally so that it’s out in the open. Sometimes it works in my marriage, sometimes not. It’s never easy to discuss, but it’s worth it in the long run.
May our dear Blessed Mother help intercede for you. Hugs and blessings always.

 

[ela2]

You are right in how you feel and you are right in confronting him, continue sorting this out. It upsets you and takes away your peace. No spouse should do that to each other. If your husband loves you he will stop doing what upsets you and in this case he must as this behavior is not holy. Do not " roll your eyes" and look away. I am talking from personal experience and rolling my eyes did not help this behavior.

This is indeed annoying to deal with. Talk with him in a proper tone explaining how it makes you feel, not in an accusatory tone. Tell him to put himself in your situation and see if he will say " you are mean", leave immediately when he stares, etc…

 

[ela2]

…And so mine stopped this annoying behavior…

 

[PrayerShark]

Well folks, just when I thought the world couldn’t get any worse, I opened up this thread and found myself drawn into the pain and suffering of this poor women. Caught between the extremes of despair and apoplectic rage, I was so distraught I almost dropped my evening scotch. I could only sputter incoherent insanities in answer to my wife’s inquiries into what had so disrupted my usual felicity. Collecting myself and gathering what little strength I had after such an assault I inquired on my wife’s opinion and she thought it would be prudent to give this advice.

So to the matter at hand. Obviously this man (this poor lady’s husband) is some degraded, rogue or debased, vagrant if you will. What hope there is I cannot say, but surely she must take action to remedy the temptations that assault his black heart. First of all, I believe this woman should instigate an immediate censure on all physical intimacy in the marriage. Lessons must be learnt people! All forms of revealing clothing should be discarded with and ventures outside the family home should be limited to shopping, work and of course church. An eye cannot wander if it has nowhere to go. If this does not work, then the next step is quite obviously a gelding…or some other form of castration.

Cat:

I hope this advice is helpful to you and others.

Outrageous advice as always Cat, how dare you open up to the kind and gentle people on here and bring them so close to the bleeding edge of sin! Bah, I always knew you were the Devil himself!

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

While we will look at other women occasionally, it is not right to stare I the way you describe.

I understand that his leering may be sinful in certain context, but I think it means something completely different to you than it does to him. Look at it from his point of view. I think you should consider that he chose you to be his wife. I doubt that he looks at any of those women as a potential replacement or object of affection.

I too deal with this issue in a much much less severe form. And honestly it is somewhat upsetting, frustrating and confusing that some women see this as this big an issue. I’m not saying the OP is wrong, but it would be like getting mad a guy for looking at an obscenely fattening hamburger claiming it makes her feel like he doesn’t like her home cooking. But to him it means he also finds burgers interesting but not a replacement for a good home cooked meal.

 

[pianistclare]

Well folks, just when I thought the world couldn’t get any worse, I opened up this thread and found myself drawn into the pain and suffering of this poor women. Caught between the extremes of despair and apoplectic rage, I was so distraught I almost dropped my evening scotch. I could only sputter incoherent insanities in answer to my wife’s inquiries into what had so disrupted my usual felicity. Collecting myself and gathering what little strength I had after such an assault I inquired on my wife’s opinion and she thought it would be prudent to give this advice.

So to the matter at hand. Obviously this man (this poor lady’s husband) is some degraded, rogue or debased, vagrant if you will. What hope there is I cannot say, but surely she must take action to remedy the temptations that assault his black heart. First of all, I believe this woman should instigate an immediate censure on all physical intimacy in the marriage. Lessons must be learnt people! All forms of revealing clothing should be discarded with and ventures outside the family home should be limited to shopping, work and of course church. An eye cannot wander if it has nowhere to go. If this does not work, then the next step is quite obviously a gelding…or some other form of castration.

Outrageous advice as always Cat, how dare you open up to the kind and gentle people on here and bring them so close to the bleeding edge of sin! Bah, I always knew you were the Devil himself!

Are making an attempt at humor? this woman’s pain can be a source of glee to you?
wow. Speaking of outrageous…

 

[secondop]

Thank you everyone for posting your responses. I appreciate it, more than you know! It helps to have support. Thank you for the prayers as well
I might start off by saying, I have been holding this in since last Wednesday. I was just trying to sort out my feelings and searching for the right choice of words to use. It was only, briefly, brought up yesterday because he texted me from work asking, “do you want to take the kids to the water park again on Wednesday?” This is when I responded that I am not really fond of that place and explained what I witnessed him do. This is when I was told that I am mean…
I am a pretty confident person. I am in no way conceded or anything like that. I just know that my husband is attracted to me because not a day goes by that he doesn’t compliment me. He even gave me a few compliments at the water park that day.
My husband and I get into petty arguments here and there but nothing like this has ever happened. There has always been trust and loyalty. But after we got home and ‘laid together’, I sort of felt that he betrayed me. Sort of cheated on me in a way. (I am uncertain that I should write this on here) But, he usually waits for me in bed because I normally take a bit longer that him., like 3 to 5 minutes or so. This evening was so out of the norm, it felt weird. He did not wait. He only vigorously went for it. There was no passion, it was very different this time and he didn’t wait for me. Saying nothing but, “sorry, I couldn’t help it, I was sooo hot”! I felt he was being selfish but at the same time, I felt I was being selfish for wanting to ‘finish’. (hope that made sense and sorry if it was tmi) Anyhow, I cried myself to sleep that night.
Now, things are weird between my husband and I. I haven’t been very affectionate towards him and I know this is wrong of me. I am, honestly trying to work on it. I just want him to say sorry and that he won’t do it again. But he really truely thinks nothing wrong was done.
Needless to say, NO water park on Wednesday!

I will be praying and asking God for strength and wisdom to say the right words, Gentle words. Matthew 5:27-28., this I will share with him next time we talk (he is at work until late tonight).
Thank you all so very much!

 

[Thorns]

For those who say women know when men are staring and find it creepy, I disagree. Women will know, but those types love the attention and dont find it creepy, otherwise they wouldn’t dress to attract attention in the first place. Not to mention when they notice, they will walk a little harder and act a little flirtier. Hardly the characteristics of being creeped out.

Secondly, for those who say its harmless fun, that is really sad that you feel you cannot hold your spouse to a higher standard of behavior. It indicates a lack of self respect too. Those who dont expect anything are never let down, basically.

OP, you have every right to feel bad. It was not right.

 

[Cat]

You need to be careful about near occasion of sin and role-playing. Pretending to be someone else during sex is not okay for a Catholic marriage and really any healthy marriage.

Pardon me, but I never said anything in my post about “pretending to be someone else during sex.”

 

[Cat]

Don’t you think this advice is a little cruel? Your husband makes it clear that he loves and wants you above all else. Her husband does nothing of the sort. That makes ALL the difference.

The OP and her husband are much younger and newer to marriage than my husband and me.

We had to learn. So do they. I am only telling them what has worked for us for 35 very happy years and still counting.

 

[pianistclare]

Thank you everyone for posting your responses. I appreciate it, more than you know! It helps to have support. Thank you for the prayers as well
I might start off by saying, I have been holding this in since last Wednesday. I was just trying to sort out my feelings and searching for the right choice of words to use. It was only, briefly, brought up yesterday because he texted me from work asking, “do you want to take the kids to the water park again on Wednesday?” This is when I responded that I am not really fond of that place and explained what I witnessed him do. This is when I was told that I am mean…
I am a pretty confident person. I am in no way conceded or anything like that. I just know that my husband is attracted to me because not a day goes by that he doesn’t compliment me. He even gave me a few compliments at the water park that day.
My husband and I get into petty arguments here and there but nothing like this has ever happened. There has always been trust and loyalty. But after we got home and ‘laid together’, I sort of felt that he betrayed me. Sort of cheated on me in a way. (I am uncertain that I should write this on here) But, he usually waits for me in bed because I normally take a bit longer that him., like 3 to 5 minutes or so. This evening was so out of the norm, it felt weird. He did not wait. He only vigorously went for it. There was no passion, it was very different this time and he didn’t wait for me. Saying nothing but, “sorry, I couldn’t help it, I was sooo hot”! I felt he was being selfish but at the same time, I felt I was being selfish for wanting to ‘finish’. (hope that made sense and sorry if it was tmi) Anyhow, I cried myself to sleep that night.
Now, things are weird between my husband and I. I haven’t been very affectionate towards him and I know this is wrong of me. I am, honestly trying to work on it. I just want him to say sorry and that he won’t do it again. But he really truely thinks nothing wrong was done.
Needless to say, NO water park on Wednesday!

I will be praying and asking God for strength and wisdom to say the right words, Gentle words. Matthew 5:27-28., this I will share with him next time we talk (he is at work until late tonight).
Thank you all so very much!

Yeah, that’s bad. I would have cried too. hopefully he will see how this has hurt you and not make light of it anymore. I will pray for you.

 

[LongingSoul]

Well folks, just when I thought the world couldn’t get any worse, I opened up this thread and found myself drawn into the pain and suffering of this poor women. Caught between the extremes of despair and apoplectic rage, I was so distraught I almost dropped my evening scotch. I could only sputter incoherent insanities in answer to my wife’s inquiries into what had so disrupted my usual felicity. Collecting myself and gathering what little strength I had after such an assault I inquired on my wife’s opinion and she thought it would be prudent to give this advice.

So to the matter at hand. Obviously this man (this poor lady’s husband) is some degraded, rogue or debased, vagrant if you will. What hope there is I cannot say, but surely she must take action to remedy the temptations that assault his black heart. First of all, I believe this woman should instigate an immediate censure on all physical intimacy in the marriage. Lessons must be learnt people! All forms of revealing clothing should be discarded with and ventures outside the family home should be limited to shopping, work and of course church. An eye cannot wander if it has nowhere to go. If this does not work, then the next step is quite obviously a gelding…or some other form of castration.

The fellow was indulging his senses in a pornographic way and then used his wife as a recepticle for his feast of images. Lots of men go to waterparks and concentrate on their kids and having family fun without needing to feed their sexual appetite in that way. Staring at womens bodies with intent is a betrayal of his wife.

 

[Maine52]

Thank you everyone for posting your responses. I appreciate it, more than you know! It helps to have support. Thank you for the prayers as well
I might start off by saying, I have been holding this in since last Wednesday. I was just trying to sort out my feelings and searching for the right choice of words to use. It was only, briefly, brought up yesterday because he texted me from work asking, “do you want to take the kids to the water park again on Wednesday?” This is when I responded that I am not really fond of that place and explained what I witnessed him do. This is when I was told that I am mean…
I am a pretty confident person. I am in no way conceded or anything like that. I just know that my husband is attracted to me because not a day goes by that he doesn’t compliment me. He even gave me a few compliments at the water park that day.
My husband and I get into petty arguments here and there but nothing like this has ever happened. There has always been trust and loyalty. But after we got home and ‘laid together’, I sort of felt that he betrayed me. Sort of cheated on me in a way. (I am uncertain that I should write this on here) But, he usually waits for me in bed because I normally take a bit longer that him., like 3 to 5 minutes or so. This evening was so out of the norm, it felt weird. He did not wait. He only vigorously went for it. There was no passion, it was very different this time and he didn’t wait for me. Saying nothing but, “sorry, I couldn’t help it, I was sooo hot”! I felt he was being selfish but at the same time, I felt I was being selfish for wanting to ‘finish’. (hope that made sense and sorry if it was tmi) Anyhow, I cried myself to sleep that night.
Now, things are weird between my husband and I. I haven’t been very affectionate towards him and I know this is wrong of me. I am, honestly trying to work on it. I just want him to say sorry and that he won’t do it again. But he really truely thinks nothing wrong was done.
Needless to say, NO water park on Wednesday!

I will be praying and asking God for strength and wisdom to say the right words, Gentle words. Matthew 5:27-28., this I will share with him next time we talk (he is at work until late tonight).
Thank you all so very much!

What you husband did was so wrong on so many levels. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about because you did NOTHING wrong. You have every right to be upset. I think the worst part of all this is that he tells you are “mean” when you tell him you are hurt. Turning things around and making everything the other person’s fault is a classic sign of emotional abuse. Yes, emotional abuse. Don’t let him talk to you this way - EVER. Prayers for you.

 

[Estevao]

I really think you’re over-thinking things. I’m going to post what I was referring to in post #16:

Course Description
Married or not married, men look at women. That’s their nature. But is this fascination with the female body a threat to their spouse or the woman they are with? That’s the question that best-selling author and nationally syndicated talk show host, Dennis Prager, deals with here. His answer will be a revelation to most women… and a relief to most men.

Taught By
Dennis Prager

Transcript
The London newspaper The Daily Mail listed the top ten problems experienced by couples on vacation together.

Topping the list was: The man looking at other women in bikinis on the beach.

Now, in another Prager university course, I explain the sexual power of the visual on men. And as I show, and as everyone readily understands unless misled by a politically correct college course the power of the visual to excite men has no analogue in women. Women don’t get excited by virtually every male body at the beach. Male legs don’t turn them on like female legs turn men on. Etc. etc.

It takes massive willpower for a heterosexual man not to look at bikini-clad women. And few men – even the nicest, finest, and most monogamously faithful and loving – have such willpower.

So, the Daily Mail notes, this frequently causes problems when a couple’s itinerary includes a visit to the beach.

And what exactly is the problem? The problem is that the wife or girlfriend feels threatened by his looking.

And why does she feel threatened?

Because she thinks he is comparing her to those women.

And why does this disturb her?

Here are three reasons.

First, virtually every woman, no matter how attractive, thinks that when her man is looking at other women – other women in general, and in bikinis especially – he is finding them more attractive than her.

Second, she thinks that he is therefore dissatisfied with her, which in turn arouses the unspoken but primal fear that he might leave her.

And third, she is sure that her man will continue to think about these women long after they have disappeared from sight.

So now, let’s analyze these three reasons.

First, does the husband or boyfriend find these women on the beach – or for that matter anywhere else – more attractive than he finds his wife or girlfriend?

Well, since I believe that only honesty works in the long run, the answer is sometimes, yes. He may very well find some of those women more physically attractive than his woman. But, here’s the point that most women, again understandably, don’t know: with very few exceptions, it doesn’t matter!

You heard me right. Of course, when looking at these other women, he may find some of them more physically attractive than the woman he is with. But – and here’s the good news – SO WHAT??

Presuming he is attracted to you – and if he isn’t, it doesn’t matter if you’re vacationing in a monastery and all he sees is are monks – he wants YOU. I repeat, he wants YOU.

And if he does, all these other women won’t amount to a hill of beans.

There’s another thing women need to know. Within seconds of her disappearing from view, he has no memory of any of these women. When in sight, they can take over his male mind. But out of sight, they are out of mind. It’s as if they never existed.

Yes, the visual gets men’s total attention in a matter of seconds, but as soon as the woman he was focused on vanishes, most men forget what they saw in an equal number of seconds.

Why does this come as news – and hard to believe news, at that – to most women? Because you, the woman, remember the women your man looked at. And you therefore think that he, too, remembers them. But let me assure you he doesn’t. Most men under torture couldn’t identify the women they looked at that the hour before, let alone the day before if they were shown photos of them along with photos of women they had never seen.

And more good news! His seeing women who he thinks for that moment are more attractive than you has no bearing whatsoever on his being “dissatisfied” with you.

Men find other woman attractive in large measure just because they are other women. Men are programmed by nature to want variety – indeed endless variety. That’s why God-fearing King Solomon had 700 wives and another 300 concubines, and secular Hugh Hefner had at least that many lovers.

In sum, then, when your man looks at these other, perhaps even “more attractive” women, he is:
A. Not comparing you to them
B) Not in any way becoming dissatisfied with you, and
C) Certainly not thinking of them later.

He looks at them because they are other women, whether they are more attractive, just as attractive, or less attractive. They are women in bikinis. So he looks.

The point of all this is that, where there is basic domestic harmony and mutual physical attraction, more than anything, your husband wants you. When he looks, he isn’t comparing, he isn’t getting dissatisfied, and he won’t have a clue later as to who he saw. When you’re back in your hotel room, put on your own bikini, and tell him you want him. Because again, more than anyone else in the world, he wants you.

If you don’t believe me, ask him. You’ll be glad you did. And so will he.

• Prager University is not an accredited academic institution
  and does not offer certifications or diplomas.
  But it is a place where you are free to learn.

 

[Psalm98]

I like the quote from Seinfeld.

OP, my husband and I have been happily married for 35 years.

He looks at beautiful women. I look at handsome men.

My screensaver on my computer is a very handsome picture of my favorite actor (who is 56, so at least it’s not indecent!). While my two daughters were growing up, I had one side of the refrigerator (the side I see when I am standing at the stove) covered with pictures of various actors, entertainers, authors, etc. that I liked. One of their girlfriends told them once, “Your mother is cool. She’s the only mother I’ve ever known who puts up pictures of her favorite actors!”

My husband’s office (at home) is decorated with all kinds of pictures, statues, toys, etc. of Ariel, the little mermaid, as well as other non-Ariel paraphernalia. When we went to see Jodi Benson (voice of Disney’s Little Mermaid), I had to hold my husband back from climbing over the gate and rushing the stage to get close to “the little mermaid.”

For us, it’s just harmless fun. And both of us know that our biggest crushes are reserved for EACH OTHER. Every time he looks at a beautiful girl, he will turn to me and say, “You’re hotter.” And every time I look at a handsome dude, I will turn to him and say, “You’re cuter!”

Here’s my advice to you: the bigger the fuss you make about it, the more he will do it. So don’t make a fuss. Roll your eyes, and that’s it.

People crave behaviors that are “forbidden.” Have you ever noticed that the instant you go on a diet, you start craving fattening foods that you haven’t wanted in years? But the instant you give yourself permission to eat these foods, you don’t want them anymore.

I think the same thing happens with men. It’s the way God made men–they are attracted by beautiful women and easily (instantly) aroused by sight. When we women acknowledge this, give a chuckle, roll our eyes, and say, “Wow, men! God sure made you different than me,” you will both be less tormented by a man’s “normal” behavior. And with the pressure off, your husband will find it easier to practice the “Seinfeld advice” to just look once, like most men do, and then look away and find his wife.

Here’s another piece of advice that I heard years ago from a very wise mother at a bridal shower–she told her daughter, “Honey, always bait your own hook.”

I think that’s important for all of us women to do. You may or may not have the knock-out body that many women have, but you can make the most of what you have and use it to attract your husband. When he looks at another women, he should immediately think, “Wow, my wife is beautiful and I want her!” That’s kind of what happens in our marriage–both of us are fully aware that we don’t really “want” these crushes–they’re just fun remnants of our teen years! We WANT each other, and seeing our crushes reminds us that we have found the love of our life!

I hope this advice is helpful to you and others.

Sickening. Absolutely sickening.

 

[Joe_5859]

If I acted this way and my wife called me on it, my response would not be “You’re mean” but rather, “I’m so sorry; you’re right to be upset.”

 

[LongingSoul]

I really think you’re over-thinking things. I’m going to post what I was referring to in post #16:

I read the transcript and while I accept that it is true, it is a slap in the face to a woman to make all that visual sensual pleasure obvious to her by oggling. Especially since the hurt it caused was compounded by his need to use her that night to get the itch it caused, scratched.

 

[Psalm98]

The OP and her husband are much younger and newer to marriage than my husband and me.

We had to learn. So do they. I am only telling them what has worked for us for 35 very happy years and still counting.

Perhaps, but the situation with the OP and her husband is not the same. It is much more serious, and, with respect, your response to someone who is hurting was insensitive.