Is it wrong of me to change parishes?

[DonnaNoble]

Hello all. I’ve had some crises of faith (for lack of a better word) recently and gave serious thought to leaving the Catholic Church all together. But I did some reading, deep soul searching, and figured out my problem with the Church isn’t the Church herself, it’s me and my relationship with my parish.

I am writing this mainly to vent (I really have no one to tell all this to) and to find out if my thinking is wrong (for example, is it wrong to leave a parish for the reasons I am thinking of leaving).

To be fair, some of the issues with my parish are my own personality not meshing well with our new priest. For example, when the priest tells us at Mass that we “should” do something, I hear this as being “must” and a lot of the shoulds he’s been telling us I can’t do. And it makes me feel frustrated and angry and like I am not good enough and am failing as a Catholic. Even though I am aware of my brain thinking this way, it’s just how I am wired. For example, he recently told us we “should” each donate $75 to the parish school. I am a single mother, on a very fixed budget and I just plain can’t afford it. I don’t have $75 to spare. And to a degree, I resented even being told that I should do this. We’ve also been told we should tithe 10% like the protestants. Told we should be in a ministry (I am trying, but my work schedule is such that I can’t participate in most). I result is I feel like I am not doing the things I “should” be doing and this makes me “bad.”

But other things are some parish rules in place that seem wrong to me. For example, my daughter is going to be confirmed this year. She did the classes, the readings, reflections, volunteer work, Acts of Mercy, the weekend overnight retreat… everything that was asked of her. The last thing is to complete booklet with lots of questions. It says right in the booklet that if don’t write neat enough, they may not be confirmed. This just rubbed me the wrong way, they are threatening to withhold a sacrament over penmanship. And what is the definition of neat enough? It actually has my daughter stressed out.

I am considering leaving my parish after my daughter’s confirmation later this year. I feel it’s better to leave the parish than let the frustrations of my own shortcomings temp me to leave the Catholic faith.

Is it wrong to switch parishes for these reasons? And if not, or if you switched parishes, what sorts of things did you do to help find a new parish. How do you switch parishes (do you need permission from the priest or can you just start going to another Church). I assume I will need to tell my current Church I am no longer a member so they don’t waste money on sending me envelopes and such.

I am strongly considering joining my mom and brother’s parish, but I won’t be able to go to Mass there every week (it’s two hours away). But I always feel at peace there and, and frankly, it’s a smaller parish with a lot less money than my current, very large parish. Maybe my weekly donations which aren’t really a lot for my current parish will go father there.

 

[Maximilian75]

I wouldnt say that it’s wrong, but maybe God is calling you to be a force for change in this parish. Have you talked to your pastor and brought up your problems? To paraphrase Ghandi, ‘Be the change you want to see in your parish’

 

[casslean]

I don’t think it’s wrong to change parishes, as long as you don’t use the distance as a reason to miss Mass (meaning you find a closer Mass if you can’t make it to the further Mass).

However, have you considered meeting with Father and telling him how you feel about all this? I do suspect I know where a lot of these ideas are coming from, and having researched the background, I am as uncomfortable with it as you are. But if you just leave, there is no opportunity for Father to hear how his actions are affecting parishioners. It may be that it won’t change anything, but at least you’ll have a chance to say what you think.

 

[ajg]

I agree with the other posters on talking to the priest; however, as someone who recently switched parishes it is very simple. I started going to other Catholic Churches nearby and when I found myself really enjoying the atmosphere, clergy, and everything I look for in a parish I went to the office and signed up as a parishioner. Took maybe 10 minutes after I went to the daily mass.

Edited to add: some may disagree with the parish I joined, I drive by two other churches to get to my current one, but I feel that I can be more active in the mass at my new parish. I even enjoy the extra 15 minutes I drive there 3 times a week.

 

[goout]

I would talk to the pastor and simply tell him your concerns: that you feel obligation but don’t have the money he is asking you to contribute.

Talk to him. Communication is the key to a peaceful life.

 

[DeniseNY]

I think you should voice your concerns and perceptions to him. I think asking for 10% is wrong as it’s not required by the Church. Perhaps he should qualify the request with “if you can”. For the school, is he asking for $75 a month or annually? I’m just asking because in my area we’ve had a number of Catholic schools close. Our only Byzantine school closed a few years ago.

 

[angel12]

I think you should voice your concerns and perceptions to him. I think asking for 10% is wrong as it’s not required by the Church. Perhaps he should qualify the request with “if you can”.

That’s what our priest always does. Perhaps this priest thinks that part is understood? But you won’t know without asking.

 

[JanetF]

You don’t really have to have a reason to change parishes, you just call the office and let them know that you have changed.

I belong to a parish in St. Louis, MO, but I rarely go to that parish for weekly mass. I prefer the mass times at a different church, so I usually go there. I still support my parish with $$ and time when I can.

I do have to admit that I think that you are doing yourself a disservice if you don’t bring up your issues with the priest. I’m sure he knows that not all parish members can give as he requested, but letting him know a specific face to that is never a bad idea.

As far as your daughter’s confirmation goes, I’m sorry that this is adding stress to what should be a very happy time for her. Perhaps talking to her religion teacher is appropriate. Let the teacher know she is stressed about this. On the other hand, good penmanship is important so it’s a good opportunity to encourage her to learn this skill. However, I do not believe receipt of the sacrament should be withheld for this trivial reason.

 

[redbaron162]

10% is not required but is does have a scriptural precedence and I think is a good goal. I have found that while someone may tell me that I need to do 10% I would feel like I could never do it, however if I make God the priority and give it to him first I find I can make it work and it helps me keep priorities clear. We are required to contribute however. “You shall help to provide for the needs of the Church.” (Compendium of the Catechism)

Now whether you should leave or not is a deeply personal choice that you should make very carefully. Although if you daughter is almost about to receive Confirmation then you should probably wait for after that. I wouldn’t worry about the writing just make sure its legible. I agree with others that you should make an appointment with the Pastor and talk about it.

Now after saying that I did switch parishes a few years back. I now attend a more “traditional” parish whose style, music, preaching, and ministries I feel is more conducive to my spiritual growth. I do not fault my previous parish and still attend on occasion but I think it was a good move.

One is not required to attend one parish over another, as long as we are attending a Catholic Parish we are participating in the life of the Church and receiving the Holy Eucharist which is the life and summit of our faith.

 

[TheLittleLady]

For example, when the priest tells us at Mass that we “should” do something, I hear this as being “must” and a lot of the shoulds he’s been telling us I can’t do.

Here is how I worked on this same problem.

For example, I “should” be at work today but I cannot because I am sick. I “should” be donating more to my parish and school, but, I cannot because I am poor. I should be involved in ministry, but, because of health issues right now I cannot.

For me it was a change of paradigm when I realized it is not all about me, that if I seek more humility, if I put down the vice of pride, I don’t bristle under “shoulds”. I can hear them now as “this is the goal to which we aspire” like when Scripture says “be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect”. I know that is not somehow saying I am bad because I am not perfect, but, it is setting the bar and I can keep working toward it.

The handwriting thing, I promise you that is some sort of frustration by the director from someone who simply scribbled in the booklet in the past. The prideful part of me would take the book and type up my own version just to overly comply, the new me would understand that running Confirmation prep is one of the worst jobs on this earth, that I am not willing to do that job, and maybe this one thing can make the director’s job a tiny bit easier.

It helped me to change my perspective.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

You still need to attend Mass weekly. There is likely a better parish between you and 2 hours away.

 

[blackforest]

I agree with most of the responses. Short answer: No, it it not wrong. But try to communicate your concerns and then change parishes only if that fails.

First, prioritize what’s most important to you. If it were I, I’d try to bite my tongue on the “should” issue, (which is frankly present at a lot of parishes), since you aren’t being targeted personally, and you aren’t suffering serious repercussions if you don’t. As to the handwriting issue, you might first consider calling the religious ed instructor: "Hey, I was wondering if you could clarify something that’s giving my daughter some anxiety . . . . "

Depending on the outcome, you may not even need to talk to the priest. But if you do end up talking to the priest or parish council, approach them with compassion, grace, and diplomacy. As much as we may lock horns with people of influence in our parish, (been there, done that, wearing the t-shirt), remember that the laity volunteer their time, and despite his meager salary, the priest works an often-thankless job.

The saying is that assertiveness is a positive, productive expression of the self. Pray before you approach any of these people, but do approach them before leaving your parish.

Years ago, I was on the phone with a Catholic friend who lived a couple of hours away, saying that I was “parish shopping” in my city and not sure where I’d end up settling. She laughed really hard and replied, “I attend the only parish in a 100-mile radius. If we don’t like it, we make it work!” What did Mother Theresa say? Some people come into your life as friends, others as lessons.

God bless!

 

[DonnaNoble]

Thank you all for the answers so far. The idea that it’s my pride behind my feelings is an interesting perspective. I need to really think about that. I didn’t think it was pride because mostly I feel ashamed. It almost seems the opposite. But I can see where the shame might come from not being able to “proudly participate.” That’s good food for thought. Thank you.

Anyway, to clarify a couple of things. I was trying to say that I am thinking about officially being a member of my mom’s parish (for the purposes of monetary gifts, Lenten Appeal, Church Census, and such). I could probably go to that church once a month on average because of the distance. But there are three other parishes within 15 minutes driving distance from my house that I would probably go to for Mass most of the time (if I switch). Also behind this idea. I only live where I live now for the sake of my daughter. It’s a good, safe, wholesome area with great public schools. I fully intend on moving “back home” when she goes off to college. That would put me in that parish. But that’s five years away.

Speaking of crowded urban areas, I had not considered talking to my priest about my concerns. I didn’t consider that my voice would matter (and honestly, even with your very nice encouragement, I still don’t feel that it would matter). I live in a very crowded area and the parish is 3,500 families (registered) according to a recent Church bulletin. And they are “whole families” with kids in the parish school, etc. I am a divorced mom with one child going to public school. I’ve done some volunteer work at the parish when I can, but even then my priest doesn’t even know me. Even if I do stay, I will probably say nothing.

You all bring up good points though and it’s a lot for me to think about. Thank you.

 

[TheLittleLady]

I live in a very crowded area and the parish is 3,500 families (registered) according to a recent Church bulletin. And they are “whole families” with kids in the parish school, etc

I’ve worked for parishes for a long time. When the census says “families” it means “households” or “addresses”, that term does not discriminate against single parent families or single adults or married couples with no kids or widows, etc.

 

[PetraG]

You can always choose the one thing that really bothers you–do not do the “gunny sack” thing where you dump out a laundry list of things that you didn’t bring up at the time!–such as threats given in writing to withhold the Sacrament of Confirmation over penmanship and bring it to the attention of the pastor. Honestly, the pastors I have known personally would want someone to calmly bring such a thing to their attention and let him know how upsetting this is to candidates who are, after all, still adolescents who take such threats very seriously. Do stay calm, however, and realize that in a big parish he gets mistakes like this brought to his attention all day, mistakes made either by staff he can’t afford to pay enough or volunteers whose work his parish cannot do without.

As for the parish in which you want to establish domicile, ask your chancery office about this. Most bishops allow the faithful to establish domicile in a parish other than their geographic parish, especially for those who have experienced “poliltical” difficulties with their geographic parish church. I would establish domicile in the parish where I want to have my funeral or your daughter would want to have her wedding. Give that parish the support it deserves and attend there as much as possible.

By the way, if you have done any volunteer work at all without a parish school compelling you to do so, it is unfortunately likely that you are among the most active, oh, 15% of parishioners. There are probably 5% who do 95% of the work and another 10% who do another 4% of the work. The other 85% of parishioners either do not attend regularly, do not support the church financially to the extent their means allow or else attend and contribute financially but do nothing else to contribute to parish life.

One hopes that the 85% who aren’t being seen between one Sunday Mass and the next are out in the world doing the work of the saints. You just never know. It is a rare parish that sees more than that when it comes to work being done on the campus on which the church sits.

 

[MCH1]

It is not wrong at all.

 

[PetraG]

I agree with most of the responses. Short answer: No, it it not wrong. But try to communicate your concerns and then change parishes only if that fails.

It is unfortunate, but if flak doesn’t run off your back like water off of a duck, the act of “communicating concerns” ought to be understood as something that will make changing parishes at least temporarily practically a necessity. These matters sometimes cause far more of a kerfuffle than they warrant.

“Strife” would be a bit strong, but if the community is made up of people whose only aggression is passive aggrression, a kerfuffle can feel far worse than open strife. I’d laugh, but people really feel deeply hurt and yet deeply surprised at the hurt they cause themselves. The in-fighting that goes on between “nice” people can be its own kind of hell on earth.

 

[MD1]

If you have really prayed about it and discerned that changing parishes is the best choice for you and your family, I think there is nothing wrong with that. However, I do agree with the other commenters that it would be worthwhile to bring you concern to your current parish’s priest’s attention. Things might not change there, but at least you will have done the best you can in that situation by making him aware. Good luck with everything and God bless!

 

[DonnaNoble]

I didn’t mean to say that they discriminate. What I mean is that I am small potatoes. It’s just me and my daughter in our family and we can’t afford the parish school whereas, when I look around, most of the other families are mom, dad, and three or four children many of whom are students in the parish. They are also well-off families compared to me so they are more important to the parish than me. They wouldn’t notice if I left.

 

[goodcatholic]

Just make sure you are not going from the hot kitchen into the fire. I’ve made that mistake several times in my life. I never quite mastered the art of feeling grateful for a painful situation. I honestly think we are rewarded for our patience though.
Still I wouldn’t pay the 75 bucks. You wouldn’t be the only one.