Is it wrong that I only date virgins?

[whm]

I was not in anyway of encouraging anyone to do what I did!!! That is why I stated it was against the Church. It was not my opinion (read again, correctly this time) it was my experience and my decision and not at all taken lightly.

Please do not accuse others falsely just because you don’t like what they say; very, very unkind!

Then why did you use future tense. You said you would never marry somebody without sleeping with them first. I responded to what you said. If you originally said what you claim above i would have said nothing.

 

[shelby_sun]

Not to mention that the divorce rate among Catholics that practice NFP is close to zero.

Here’s Havard’s primer on sexual compatability:

Marry someone who is particularly thoughtful about you (your wants and needs) and who is on-board with always working on improving your communication (essential to a good relationship anyway).

That’s it. No need for a “test drive”.

First it doesn’t mean that those who practice NFP are all in happy or faithful marriage.

Don’t you think the majority of people think they are marrying someone that is thoughtful of their wants and needs yet the divorce rate and those who cheat goes up year after year.

No there is absolutely no need to “test drive”. It was a personal choice that I would not recommend to anyone or tell anyone to try. Each person has to decide that for themselves. I was not young and it was something that I put many years of thought into. I am not justifying that it is OK.

 

[shelby_sun]

Then why did you use future tense. You said you would never marry somebody without sleeping with them first. I responded to what you said. If you originally said what you claim above i would have said nothing.

I said what I had said in another post and in the other post I used future tense because it fit that thread. I have been married 20 year and yes I did sleep with my then boyfriend after we dated a while but before we got married.

My parent were divorced and had a unbelievable horrible relationship that absolutely destroyed all five of their children. Both my sisters divorced over sexual issues in their marriage, again taking a horrible tole on their lives. I told myself I would never divorce over something like that.

I know of several men you have had affairs of left their wives over sexual issues. It is much, much more prevalent than you think. I am not justifying what I did, in anyway, and I am certainly not suggesting anyone do it for any reason. I was simply stating what I did.

 

[whm]

Shelby Sun, I gottcha. It read totally differently to me out of context. I have done the same thing before (cut and pasted posts).

I was trying to warn not accuse. I have way too many sins to judge anybody else.

 

[EasterJoy]

Where are you stats on all that? Non-virgins might in fact not divorce but that does not mean they have happy marriages or their husbands don’t cheat

This is the most neutral source and recent source I could find. People who live together prior to marriage have less stable relationships, which is about as far into testing whether or not you are compatible as it gets. The question is why…is it the co-habitation or is it the kind of people who decide to cohabitate, instead?
nationalmarriageproject.org/
nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/SOOU2012.pdf
*The belief that living together before marriage is a useful way “to find out whether you really get along,” and thus avoid a bad marriage and an eventual divorce, is now widespread among young people. But the available studies on the effects of cohabitation are mixed. In fact, some evidence indicates that those who live together before marriage are more likely to break up after marriage.

This evidence is controversial, however, because it is difficult to distinguish the “selection effect” from the “experience of cohabitation effect.” The selection effect refers to the fact that people who cohabit before marriage have different characteristics from those who do not, and it may be these characteristics, and not the experience of cohabitation, that leads to marital instability. There is some empirical support for both positions. For instance, a recent study based on a nationally representative sample of more than 1,000 married men and women concluded that premarital cohabitation, when limited to the period after engagement, is not associated with an elevated risk of marital problems; however, this study also found that
couples who cohabited prior to engagement were more likely to have marital problems and less likely to be happy in their marriages. What can be said is that the research does not provide consistent evidence that cohabitation helps couples prepare for marriage*.

Look at your axiom: I would never marry someone I had never slept with but I would never sleep with anyone I didn’t want in my life forever. Do you not see the internal inconsistency in that? You’re using sex as a test for commitment, but you won’t have sex with someone you don’t want to commit to! *Whaaa? *How is it you can know you want to be with someone forever but you won’t commit to marriage unless you’re satisfied with their sexual performance? What happens when you get someone to give their heart and soul to you and they have sex with you because you told them you want them in your life forever, and then you reject them because they don’t cut it in the bedroom?

Let’s put it this way: If some guy said he wanted to date me until he knew he wanted to be with me forever, but oh, wait, we have to have sex first because if we’re not sexually compatible, well, sorry, not so much on the together forever thing, I’d tell that jerk to go fly a kite!

 

[joshvanrad]

I find it curious that the two people in this thread who are on completely different ends of the spectrum- one who had to experience sex prior to marriage, and the other who will not consider a mate who has fallen to a sin of a sexual nature in the past- both have formed their stance due to scars left from the past. Scars that they were indirectly involved with.

It’s funny how much we allow ourselves to be swayed by pain that resides in our past.

 

[joshvanrad]

I just had the most divine revelation, and while it may not mean anything to anyone else, I am definitely pondering this one…

The devil can use good things to do us harm in the same fashion that God can use bad things to bring us closer to Him.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

I find it curious that the two people in this thread who are on completely different ends of the spectrum- one who had to experience sex prior to marriage, and the other who will not consider a mate who has fallen to a sin of a sexual nature in the past- both have formed their stance due to scars left from the past. Scars that they were indirectly involved with.

It’s funny how much we allow ourselves to be swayed by pain that resides in our past.

I simply look at it as a learning experience, and we make decisions based on what we learn. For me, it’s not the pain that sways me, but rather the cause of the pain. It’s fine to make mistakes, but it’s not fine to make them twice.

 

[Estevao]

One thing that makes me laugh about those who advocate fornication and further build up this culture in its obsession with sex, usually by saying “you need to make sure you’re sexually compatible or your marriage won’t work” is that the stats don’t even back them up.

People who marry as virgins are more likely to not divorce. This is an empirical fact. Any speculation about whether or not these marriages are “happy” (whatever that means, as if “happiness” were the goal in life) is just that: speculation.

 

[retire_early]

I couldn’t get over the thought of other men having sex with her. I know most people would be able to get past this, but I wouldn’t be able to. I really wish I could, I almost feel abnormal. It seems like everyone else doesn’t care (not on here, just in general). Like, “You had sex with someone before? No big deal.” There have been times where I felt like I should just give up. Like, why should I care about saving it when most others don’t? But then I meet others who feel exactly like me, who have gone through the same thing, who have felt alone and abnormal for their decision to wait. And that makes me feel better.

Carl…you are only 20…you’re not going to be marrying for a while. You should be a little less uptight about getting the premarital sex issue discussed and finalized by the second or third date. Your focus should be on just getting to know the person better and learning about their stance on morals through natural, easy conversation, rather than giving them the 3rd degree. Marriage will not work for you if you cannot learn to “get past” things, as you say. Marriage is likely to be full of all sorts of bumps in the road. Just because a person is a virgin when you query them doesn’t make them automatically marriage-worthy. And just because a person is not a virgin does not make them NOT marriage-worthy. You need a few more years of growing up experience.