Is it wrong to share a bed with a girlfriend

[thewanderer]

It is entirely likely that the OP does not know what “the limits of your self control and mutual respect are”. That would be the most likely thing in the world. After all, mutual respect does not go looking for a boundary to tread closely. Mutual respect does not chance unintentional violations of respect. Mutual respect does not leave foreseeable violations to chance.

This is extremely important to keep in mind. While it is not something that is always sinful, it is not always possible to know whether or not this will end up being problematic for a couple. Which is why they shouldn’t do it unless they have an serious reason to, and even then they should make sure to take precautions so that they don’t tempt themselves, say no cuddling in bed etc, whatever it is they need to do to make sure that they won’t end up being tempted to go to far and violate their respect for and trust in each other.

 

[Moore11]

It’s completely fine. I used to sleep with female co workers on business trips. My wife does not have a problem with it. Neither did all of their husbands and it saved the company money!

Of course if is wrong. many of us have done it before and wish we hadn’t, others dodged a bullet and have never come to terms with how wrong it is. Either way there is almost always a holier way to handle it. Ask yourself this question. Would you care if I slept in the same bed with her tonight. And I dont even know her. Be a man and be holy!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

It’s completely fine. I used to sleep with female co workers on business trips. My wife does not have a problem with it. Neither did all of their husbands and it saved the company money!

Of course if is wrong. many of us have done it before and wish we hadn’t, others dodged a bullet and have never come to terms with how wrong it is. Either way there is almost always a holier way to handle it. Ask yourself this question. Would you care if I slept in the same bed with her tonight. And I dont even know her. Be a man and be holy!

Are you joking about the female coworker thing? If my husband did that it would end my marriage. And if my company tried to pressure me to do that to save money I would look in to a sexual harassment suit.

 

[Moore11]

Are you joking about the female coworker thing? If my husband did that it would end my marriage. And if my company tried to pressure me to do that to save money I would look in to a sexual harassment suit.

Of course and your reaction made my point!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Of course and your reaction made my point!

I’m always happy to help!

 

[thewanderer]

It’s completely fine. I used to sleep with female co workers on business trips. My wife does not have a problem with it. Neither did all of their husbands and it saved the company money!

Of course if is wrong. many of us have done it before and wish we hadn’t, others dodged a bullet and have never come to terms with how wrong it is. Either way there is almost always a holier way to handle it. Ask yourself this question. Would you care if I slept in the same bed with her tonight. And I dont even know her. Be a man and be holy!

And then there are others like me who have done it and have no regrets because they know that it was justified and necessary and they took all necessary precautions to ensure it wasn’t a near occasion of sin or cause of scandal. We won’t be able to answer the OP well if we deny that such occasions exist. However, while admitting that this is sometimes the case it is important to stress that this is not the norm. Just because it is justified for some people at some point in time to do this does not mean that this is the case for the OP, in fact, it is much much more likely that in the OP’s case it is not really justified, because in most cases it really isn’t. Which is why so many people respond with the generalization that the OP just shouldn’t do it. One clue is, if its premeditated, its probably avoidable and probably better to find a way around it, such as setting up a temporary bed somewhere else. The important thing to keep in mind is what EasterJoy posted above.

Mutual respect does not leave foreseeable violations to chance.

If they are truly a couple that cares about each other and believes in the importance of waiting until marriage, then, recognizing that many people before them have thought they had good reasons to sleep in the bed and thought they could do it safely have failed and fallen into sin, they should avoid this situation unless they really have no choice as a sign of respect for each other. How can they know ahead of time whether or not they will fall into the group of those who fall and regret it bitterly afterwards? How can they know for sure that they not taking too great a risk when so many before them were convinced of the same and yet fell? This is why it is still a risk and not one anybody should take without sufficient reason and precaution, it is unfair to your girlfriend to ask her to take such a risk without sufficient reason and vice versa.

 

[EasterJoy]

It’s completely fine. I used to sleep with female co workers on business trips. My wife does not have a problem with it. Neither did all of their husbands and it saved the company money!

Of course if is wrong. many of us have done it before and wish we hadn’t, others dodged a bullet and have never come to terms with how wrong it is. Either way there is almost always a holier way to handle it. Ask yourself this question. Would you care if I slept in the same bed with her tonight. And I dont even know her. Be a man and be holy!

To clarify: You’re saying a double queen arrangement could be permissible when there really isn’t a safe second location that is financially attainable–essentially less temptation than sleeping in the same room with one sleeping on the floor and another in a bed, because pity doesn’t argue in favor of sharing a bed.

The OP means being in the* same *bed, which is what you address in your 2nd paragraph…not a good idea, and not something I’m thinking your wife would have been OK with! (Let’s not get into a company that would allow such a thing, even as a money-saving gambit. )

After all, there is a reason that “sharing a bed” is another euphemism for “living as husband and wife”, and that relations beyond the literal meaning are implied in the idiom.

 

[thewanderer]

To clarify: You’re saying a double queen arrangement could be permissible when there really isn’t a safe second location that is financially attainable–essentially less temptation than sleeping in the same room with one sleeping on the floor and another in a bed, because pity doesn’t argue in favor of sharing a bed.

The OP means being in the* same *bed, which is what you address in your 2nd paragraph…not a good idea, and not something I’m thinking your wife would have been OK with! (Let’s not get into a company that would allow such a thing, even as a money-saving gambit. )

After all, there is a reason that “sharing a bed” is another euphemism for “living as husband and wife”, and that relations beyond the literal meaning are implied in the idiom.

I’m pretty sure the were meant to convey sarcasm.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m pretty sure the were meant to convey sarcasm.

Oh, I’m sure they were! I have been astonished to find there are actually companies that have forced opposite sex employees into accomodations like this while on company business–rather than the employees arranging the accomodations for the purpose of being together for an affair–and then were surprised to find that they couldn’t get out of hot water by pretending the arrangement was “voluntary”. There are things you can’t “ask” employees to do on the ridiculous pretense that they have any choice but to say “yes” if they want to survive the next round of layoffs, but employers try to pull stuff like that, anyway.

But I digress…

 

[thewanderer]

Oh, I’m sure they were! I have been astonished to find there are actually companies that have forced opposite sex employees into accomodations like this while on company business–rather than the employees arranging the accomodations for the purpose of being together for an affair–and then were surprised to find that they couldn’t get out of hot water by pretending the arrangement was “voluntary”. There are things you can’t “ask” employees to do on the ridiculous pretense that they have any choice but to say “yes” if they want to survive the next round of layoffs, but employers try to pull stuff like that, anyway.

But I digress…

Gotcha.

 

[feed_me]

So what about the colleges that are co-eding the dorm rooms, not just side by side, or one floor above?

 

[EasterJoy]

So what about the colleges that are co-eding the dorm rooms, not just side by side, or one floor above?

It’s co-habitation; the students choose their roommates or suite-mates. The rumor is that some campuses allow upperclassmen to choose opposite-sex roommates because it keeps more students in on-campus housing, and if the university has more on-campus housing than it has demand, the demand for that housing rises when co-habitation is allowed. IOW, it lets the university wring the most possible money out of their dorms.

As far as I know, though, not a lot of universities are doing it, and those who’ve tried it have not always liked the results well enough to continue. (I think we can all think back to the number of quickly-imploding romantic dramas we witnessed in college and figure out why.)

 

[ipwnuathalo2]

Well that is judgmental! and wrong! I once slept in a twin bed with my husband before we married and we are not weird, but we did not have sex. I think it is okay to do this if both parties are in agreement about what is going to occur. Some might say if both parties are in agreement about what is not going to occur.

Once. Way to go.

• For someone to make the above statement is extremely rude.*

So, I can’t speak my mind? Awesome. I love it here.

• Further it puts humans on the same levels as animals, by not giving credit to humans. We can and do make decisions, while animals act on instinct. The above quote degrades those of us with morals.*

Near occasion of sin. Look it up, it’s one of many helpful concepts in moral theology.

• It also suggests that any time two people are in the same bed they will have sex. How ridiculous. Do you actually believe married couples, or even those living together, have sex every single night?*

17 years. I wish.

• People can choose to act appropriately no matter what the circumstance. So while it may be difficult for a GF and BF to sleep together without having sex, they certainly can. If either party thinks temptation will get the better of him then it should not be done. But lying next to someone in and of itself is not a sin. *

You’re a genius, never let them tell you different.

 

[WetCatechumen]

I have slept in beds and on couches with young women not my wife more times than I am proud to admit. Did we ever even come close to having sex?

No.

If we wanted to have sex, we could have had it anytime of day and pretty much in any private place. One doesn’t have to be in a bed at night in order to have sex.

 

[EasterJoy]

I have slept in beds and on couches with young women not my wife more times than I am proud to admit. Did we ever even come close to having sex?

No.

If we wanted to have sex, we could have had it anytime of day and pretty much in any private place. One doesn’t have to be in a bed at night in order to have sex.

More times than you care to admit, but more times than you can count? And why aren’t you proud of admitting it, if there was nothing even unwise about it? One doesn’t have to be left alone with a bag of uncounted money in order to steal some of it and not everyone left in that situation will take so much as a penny of the money, but that doesn’t make the practice a good idea.

There is no reason to act as if this is some kind of a theoretical discussion, either. There is empirical evidence to take into account.

Couples who sleep together in the same bed on a regular basis very commonly start “sharing a bed” in a more intimate sense, even if that was not their original intent. It isn’t unusual for this to take place from the very first time. Couples who start having sex have a great deal of difficulty avoiding it thereafter. This is all common, common, common. Not inevitable, but totally predictable, all the same.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Just so the people who advocate sharing a bed are aware, although I see nothing wrong with it personally I would assume that the couple in question was having sex. In fact, there’s not much they could say to convince me otherwise. I wouldn’t even necessarily assume that they had sex when they shared the bed, but I would think that they were engaging in it. I mean really, if you’re serious and intimate enough to share a bed you’re probably serious enough for sex.

 

[Kit15]

Well put Dakota and thanks for bringing in the quote from an apologist.

I slept in the same room with my now wife when we were dating and engaged because we had a long-distance relationship for awhile. So when she visited me or when I visited her, we shared the same room; my college dorm sure didn’t have living rooms with comfy couches! But I did have a futon and that’s where I crashed.

I do recall a couple times sleeping in the same bed before marriage but there were extenuating circumstances. My then-fiancee had to be out of her place for a couple of days and I didn’t have all of my furniture moved in to my new place.

Looking back on it I have to concede it was not the smartest idea of all time. Nothing happened so there’s no sin, but it still was not a great idea.

Same here. That hindsight is 20/20.

I can think of three occasions where my husband and I shared a bed before marriage (one was an emergency and the other two involved sharing space in a room full of other people). Though we didn’t do anything interesting, I agree that it is inadvisable. It’s not always going to lead you to sin but it never does anything to help keep you away from it.

For what it’s worth, I’m glad we didn’t make a habit of it.

 

[WetCatechumen]

More times than you care to admit, but more times than you can count? And why aren’t you proud of admitting it, if there was nothing even unwise about it? One doesn’t have to be left alone with a bag of uncounted money in order to steal some of it and not everyone left in that situation will take so much as a penny of the money, but that doesn’t make the practice a good idea.

There is no reason to act as if this is some kind of a theoretical discussion, either. There is empirical evidence to take into account.

Couples who sleep together in the same bed on a regular basis very commonly start “sharing a bed” in a more intimate sense, even if that was not their original intent. It isn’t unusual for this to take place from the very first time. Couples who start having sex have a great deal of difficulty avoiding it thereafter. This is all common, common, common. Not inevitable, but totally predictable, all the same.

I didn’t say it was wise, but really, when you look at the strict facts of it, I can’t see anything explicitly sinful about it.

I don’t think it’s a good idea for unmarried couples to do.

I just think that the response in this thread to the activity is disproportionate to the crime.

 

[JimG]

Just so the people who advocate sharing a bed are aware, although I see nothing wrong with it personally I would assume that the couple in question was having sex. In fact, there’s not much they could say to convince me otherwise. I wouldn’t even necessarily assume that they had sex when they shared the bed, but I would think that they were engaging in it. I mean really, if you’re serious and intimate enough to share a bed you’re probably serious enough for sex.

This seems quite accurate to me. Without respect to whether you agree with the merits of having sex before marriage, in this situation, you would assume that the couple was having sex–if not at this particular time, then at other times. If they are intimate enough to share a bed, they are intimate enough to be having sex. Whether they are or not, this is the classic description of scandal–not shocking someone’s sensibilities–but merely giving the appearance of sin, and in doing so, giving the appearance that it is okay.

As for my own view, I think it is fine to share a bed with your girlfriend. Just be sure to get married first.

 

[EasterJoy]

I didn’t say it was wise, but really, when you look at the strict facts of it, I can’t see anything explicitly sinful about it.

I don’t think it’s a good idea for unmarried couples to do.

I just think that the response in this thread to the activity is disproportionate to the crime.

If we were to get all juridical about it, I would say that you are absolutely right. It is putting yourself in the near occasion of sin and chancing that you may give scandal. If all you do is take the risk and nothing happens, those are venial offenses at worst. You won’t make yourself more chaste by making a federal case out of bad judgement. The truth is, those who are wisely strict have to be careful they don’t fall into a venial case of pride about their prudence! Failing to be foolish doesn’t put one on a different plane than the rest of mankind. It ought to be seen as an admission that one is exactly on the same plane as everyone else, if anything!

My bigger concern when we are talking about a couple in a romantic relationship rather than two people who by chance decide they’d rather share a bed that choose who has to sleep in worse accomodations. A couple trying to stay chaste really needs to not make matters any harder than they have to be. Sleeping together and then expecting yourselves to do nothing impure is inviting frustration and unnecessary difficulty. It’s like hanging around a race track and promising you’ll never bet on any of the races. Yeah, maybe you won’t, but if placing a bet would be a serious offense, that just isn’t a good situation to put yourself in.