Is my marriage over?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Lexee15
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
L

Lexee15

Guest
My last thread was about my husband’s affair(s) and whether or not I should try to get passed it and make things work. He had expressed wanting to try to get passed this and working on ourselves and then on our marriage, things were moving along…slowly, but nonetheless they were moving along, I was in the process of finding therapy for myself and someone for him. He, of course, had agreed to it and last night after I got upset with him for getting home two hours after he said he’d be home without calling he stated that maybe things were just not going to work out and that the baby and I would be better off without him. I of course told him that this was not for our benefit but for his own, this was the easy way out. I also know that the girl after finding out that he is indeed married…because I told her…was still calling him and he was talking to her also…I don’t know what the conversations were about but I feel that she finally got to him. I, the angry wife who wants answers, is what he has at home and she is the one with the loving, extended, open arms just waiting and pining for him…obviously she would be the more attractive choice instead of having to deal with our reality. I still plan on going to counseling, but should I just let him go…do I continue to fight to save this marriage even if he’s not willing to do it. He seems to think that “love” is just a feeling and when it’s not there anymore there’s nothing to fight for…I happen to believe that love is a choice a commitment even when you don’t “feel” that you love that person very much at the time, and I told him that, I just don’t know if it really makes a difference anymore. When is it just time to throw in the towel? It’s only been three weeks since I found out although we’ve been having problems for a while…is there any hope?
 
40.png
Lexee15:
When is it just time to throw in the towel? It’s only been three weeks since I found out although we’ve been having problems for a while…is there any hope?
Click to expand...
There is always hope!

Go through with getting counselling for yourself. Continue to let your husband know that you want to save your marriage. He is an adult and he will have to make his own decision about what he wants to do.

3 weeks is a very short time to try and make a definite decision. Give it some time. Hopefully your counsellor (I hope they are Catholic) will be able to help you see more clearly what to do. I will pray for you.

Malia
 
I hope it isn’t over, but you can’t make him stay. If he wants to leave, don’t yell, beg, or plead for him to stay. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself, pray alot, get counseling(if you can’t afford that, try a 12 step group for co-dependency), and stick to your guns.
 
Mom of one:
I hope it isn’t over, but you can’t make him stay. If he wants to leave, don’t yell, beg, or plead for him to stay.
Click to expand...
In general, I agree with this, but I have seen pleading work if done at the right moment. But it *has *to be the right situation to work. I would be divorced if I hadn’t plead on the right cue. I almost refused to do it, too. I had to get a friend to go with me and support me in doing it.
 
If your husband is saying that love is just a feeling, then his “girlfriend” had been keep him feeling good all the time or he’ll cheat on her too. What a ridiculous idea about marriage, and what a great excuse to not stand up and be a man. You’re married to him, but I think he isn’t worth the bother.

On a practical note, if he is more than hinting he wants out, you’d better check your bank accounts, especially those that are joint. He could and would take everything and leave you holding the bag. It’s been done to women so many times it ought to be printed on a card and handed out at weddings to every bride out there.

I know I sound cynical, but I think you need a good dose of reality here. If he isn’t willing to save your marriage it won’t be saved and you will come out the worst for not taking care of you and your baby’s needs. So, secure your assets, hire a lawyer and be ready for anything all the while you pray and do what is possible to save your marriage, if that is what you really want.
 
40.png
Lexee15:
My last thread was about my husband’s affair(s) and whether or not I should try to get passed it and make things work. He had expressed wanting to try to get passed this and working on ourselves and then on our marriage, things were moving along…slowly, but nonetheless they were moving along, I was in the process of finding therapy for myself and someone for him. He, of course, had agreed to it and last night after I got upset with him for getting home two hours after he said he’d be home without calling he stated that maybe things were just not going to work out and that the baby and I would be better off without him. I of course told him that this was not for our benefit but for his own, this was the easy way out. I also know that the girl after finding out that he is indeed married…because I told her…was still calling him and he was talking to her also…I don’t know what the conversations were about but I feel that she finally got to him. I, the angry wife who wants answers, is what he has at home and she is the one with the loving, extended, open arms just waiting and pining for him…obviously she would be the more attractive choice instead of having to deal with our reality. I still plan on going to counseling, but should I just let him go…do I continue to fight to save this marriage even if he’s not willing to do it. He seems to think that “love” is just a feeling and when it’s not there anymore there’s nothing to fight for…I happen to believe that love is a choice a commitment even when you don’t “feel” that you love that person very much at the time, and I told him that, I just don’t know if it really makes a difference anymore. When is it just time to throw in the towel? It’s only been three weeks since I found out although we’ve been having problems for a while…is there any hope?
Click to expand...
You can’t try to work it out you have to be firm and make it work. It is like Yoda said “Try, there is no try, do or do not that is all.”

Amazing how good marital advice can be given by a diminuative green fellow that speaks english with latin gramar rules.

Joking aside, I think that you can make it work. The grace of the Sacrament is very strong and you can overcome any obsticle with thhe grace of God. One thing that I would reccommend practically is the book “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” by Dr. Laura Sleshinger. At the very least if you employ her advice he will not think that he needs another woman. This is just one aspect of a many faceted issue I just hope that I can help with this one.
 
I can tell you I did -right or wrong it may be.

Hubby had joined AA (court ordered) and he was getting to the step where you have to face the hurt you have done to other people. There was a young women in his AA group that was all to willing to lend a sympathetic ear. She would tell him ofcourse “she could understand him better because she was an alcoholic and I was not” blah blah. Their relationship never became physical but I believe it easily could have.

My hubby came to me and said he loved me but wasn’t “in love” wht me anymore -what ever that means. That he didn’t deserve me and I’d better of without him ect. After the intial shock and devistation wore off I prepared myself for the battle of my life. We had a 18 month old daughter and I had never in my life imagined my children being a product of divorce. And I truly loved my husband which is why it hurt so horribly.

I demanded that we work to save our marriage. I told him we brought a child into this world completely innocent of this mess we’re in. We are responsible to her, to give her the best life possible. I knew my husband well enough to know if he left he would go live with his drunk/drug using cousins and he would spiral downward very fast. He go angry, said fine I’ll stay but I’m just going to live here (meaning we would have no relationship), he declared he was not going back to AA. I started going Mass daily and praying the rosary.

One day (more then a month later) when I came home from work there was alcohol in our fridge. Never in our marriage did we keep alcohol in the house because my husband always had struggled with it. I flipped out, was hysterical, threw it out the front door on to the drive way. He stormed out and didn’t come home for 3 days. I was actually concerned that he may try to kill himself.

When he finally did come home even though I was so angry at him I just broke down and cried on his shoulder because I was so relieved he was ok. He was pretty emotional too. We talked a long time - he agreed to try Retrouvaille. ANd even though he had been cold and indifferent to me for the last several months when we got there he did give 110% of an effort to work at our marriage. We did the follow up for I think it’s 6 weeks or something afterward and we began to heal. But it actually took more then 2 years to get some sense of normalcy again. We both drew closer to God. Took NFP classes and embraced the teachings of the church fully. Eventually my husband was diagnosed with chronic depression, placed on meds for about 4 years. Two years ago he stopped his meds and been doing very well. He never did go back to AA and it scared me for a long time. He has been sober for 7 years now and our marrige is better than I could have ever dreamed.

I decided back in those very dark days if my marriage was going down, it wasn’t going down without a fight. It was very hard. it was very painful but there was a rainbow at the end of the storm.

I will keep and your husband in my prayers.
 
I do wish I could demand that he stay…but my husband does not function with demands. When I demand something he’ll go to the extent of doing the exact opposite…very immature. I do want to save my marriage but I also have to be realistic and he may just looking for a way out. I will continue to pray for him and for myself and do whatever God’s will may be. I have faith that whatever happens it will be the best for all of us, it will be what Christ has planned for us. It hurts to think this is over I certainly didn’t get married with divorce in mind, but the more I think about what’s going on the more I think he wasn’t faithful before we got married. I know that the “other” woman has been insistantly after him with phone calls and who knows what else, some advice should I call her or her parents (she lives at home w/mom & dad since she’s only 19) and demand to know if she’s intent on destroying my marriage…or should I just leave it alone and have no contact :confused: I don’t want to look like some hysterical wife, but I would like to know what her intentions are. Oh by the way he did cheat on his “girlfriend” with a friend of hers…and I believe there was another girl that he was after I just don’t know if he actually did anything with the third one :eek: And remember he also has a terrible addiction to gambeling that I didn’t know about until after we married…I should be asking what the heck is wrong with me to pick a man like this!!!
 
I apologize if I made you feel that your only option was to stay and fight. Only you can make that kind of decision. Your circumstances are extremely difficult. Your husband may simply lack the maturity to be a married man. It sounds to me that he’s not just a gambling addict but a sex addict as well. Personaly I would call her family. I believe she gave up her right to privacy when she decided to continue a reltionship with man she knows is married.

You have to do what is best for the stabilty and peace of your life and your child. My personal opinion is that you probably qualify for annulment. My God Bless you and give you strength during this very difficult time.
 
Give the 100%
Sometimes it is that way in a marriage.
One year or so from now he could be giving 100% to you for another reason.

Ever hear this song? It’s a heartache
You aren’t the first. You can do it like countless numbers of spouses before you. Ask God for His joy and love and that alone will get you through. Ask God to help you to forgive.
 
Well he just called and gave me the news that she claims she’s pregnant, he just found out on Monday about this…hence the decision that we were better off without him :mad: I don’t know what to think, there’s been a whole new element added to this situation. I don’t know if the baby is his could be could not be. you never know. This is all so surreal, I don’t know what I did to deserve this…I feel like I’m paying for something or being punished or something, I feel so lost right now. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach.
 
40.png
Lexee15:
I should be asking what the heck is wrong with me to pick a man like this!!!
Click to expand...
We often unconsciously pick partners or potential partners that are wounded, much like our family of origin. This can be due to a need to “fix” ourselves or because it is comfortable. My mom picked a man that she thought was unlike her father. Grandpa was a drinker and beat my grandma. My mom picked a man who was not a drinker, so she thought she was safe. Turned out he was a control freak and had other, serious issues.

Try a 12 step group for codependency, or, at the very least, read Melody Beattie’s book, CoDependent No More! That and prayer, helped a great deal. Prayer lead me to what I needed to do and gave me the strength to do it. The group and the book gave me the “how-to”
 
There is ALWAYS hope. But there is nothing that says you have to stay. And now there is something else added to an already troublesome situation…a baby that may or may not be his. I will pray for you my dear. But remember, you have no one to take care of right now but yourself.
~ Kathy ~
 
Lexee,

I am so sorry for your pain as you deal with the challenges in your marriage. I would like to recommend that you see if there is any chance your husband will attend Retrouvaille with you. It is a program designed for marriages in serious trouble. Even if you think that there is no saving the marriage (and I would encourage you to not give up hope), you will still need to continue to communicate for the sake of the son the two of you share.

With regards to the pregnancy of your husbands girlfriend, not only is it as yet undermined if the child is his, I wouldn’t be too quick to jump on the fact that she’s pregnant at all. While his fear that she is verifies that he’s been unfaithful in the bedroom, you don’t know (nor does he) for certain that she’s actually pregnant. I boyfriend of mine, long after we were no longer dating, was going out with a woman who wanted to “catch” him, so she claimed to be pregnant. After he proposed, she cried over her “miscarriage”. It was found later that she’d never been pregnant in the first place.

Granted, she may well be pregnant, and it may be your husband’s child, but you don’t need to cross that bridge today. What you do need to do is fight to save your marriage. If you do, and it still doesn’t work out, you’ll know that you at least did your best. But you need to actually do your best, and if at all possible, do even better than that.

You can’t control his poor behavior, but you can control yours.

God Bless you. He knows your pain, and you will be rewarded in the next world if not in this.

CARose
 
40.png
Lexee15:
Well he just called and gave me the news that she claims she’s pregnant, he just found out on Monday about this…hence the decision that we were better off without him :mad: I don’t know what to think, there’s been a whole new element added to this situation. I don’t know if the baby is his could be could not be. you never know. This is all so surreal, I don’t know what I did to deserve this…I feel like I’m paying for something or being punished or something, I feel so lost right now. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach.
Click to expand...
Lexee,

I can see where you feel like you have been punched in the stomach; I’ve had that feeling a lot of times as well (like when my wife ran away and then filed false legal charges against me). But first, please do NOT start wondering what sin you committed to deserve this sort of husband, or what was wrong with you that you didn’t know about his problems before you married him…

Several people have given you some very good advice on this thread, I think. One piece of excellent advice is that you need to protect yourself. Even if you are trying to keep the marriage together, you may not succeed and you need to have your ducks in a row. Loving your husband is not the same thing as being a patsy or a fool. Chances are quite good that he may suddenly empty out a joint bank account without letting you know; you need to be prepared for something like this.

But the flip side of this is that if you are trying to keep the marriage together, please try to avoid any defensive measures that will push you farther away from each other. In most areas of life, the best defense is a good offense, but not in this case.

If you know the other woman’s parents at all and have some idea that they would try to help you, by all means contact them. You are your husband’s wife, and that gives you certain moral rights, including the right to be able to tell another woman to get lost. She may not obey you (as apparently she hasn’t), but you are certainly within your rights to tell her to. And you are also within your rights to ask her parents to tell her as well.

I am very sorry that you have found yourself in this situation. I will be praying for you and your husband.
  • Liberian
 
40.png
Lexee15:
Well he just called and gave me the news that she claims she’s pregnant, he just found out on Monday about this…hence the decision that we were better off without him :mad: I don’t know what to think, there’s been a whole new element added to this situation. I don’t know if the baby is his could be could not be. you never know. This is all so surreal, I don’t know what I did to deserve this…I feel like I’m paying for something or being punished or something, I feel so lost right now. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach.
Click to expand...
Two pieces of advice I have for you…one practical…one spiritual.

Get a good lawyer and find out what you need to do to make sure you protect the interests of your child. Your husband has done an evil, selfish thing. He obviously doesn’t have you and the kid’s best interests at heart. Should the stuff hit the fan, you don’t want to be caught scrambling. I’m not encouraging you to file for divorce, just get your bases legally covered in case he pulls the divorce trigger himself…which he may very well do if his mistress pushes him using the new baby as her leverage. That new child he fathered will be his responsibility, too. Additionally, your action in this regard might be the wake up call he needs.

Spiritually, welcome to the Agony in the Garden. Take your problems to our Lord. He’s been there. Pray for your husband’s conversion. Pray for the innocent life that has been created. Pray for the wisdom of the Holy Spirit.

This wasn’t your fault, and you don’t deserve this…just as Christ didn’t deserve to be crucified…just as Mary didn’t deserve to have to watch her son die. You have two really good sources of support and inspiration in those two…use them to the fullest.

You are in my prayers, tonight, Lexee
 
40.png
Katie1723:
there is nothing that says you have to stay. ~
Click to expand...
:confused:

Prayer. Prayer can change people. It sounds like you’ve already been doing that. Can I suggest the book " The power of a praying wife". Because there is something/someone that may think a little differently than the above quote implys.

You are in an awful situation. I will pray for you also. I can’t imagine the pain you must feel right now. My wish for you is strength to indure this trial, and pass.

God Bless you.
 
Lexee, what a heartbreaking situation you are in. You are in my prayers.

You’ve had lots of good advice. Now, I have some advice for the “other woman!”​

Dear OW,

You need to know a few things.

You are not the only woman with whom he has cheated on his wife. Nope, he hasn’t been true to you.

If you marry him, you will no longer be the alluring “other woman,” but the everyday, mundane wife. And we already know that he cheats on his wife.

If you want to marry him because you’re pregnant, just remember that he left his first wife when their baby was less than two years old. Oh, those weary, mundane mothers of toddlers are so boring!

This is a man who seems to feel that he has a right to as much recreational sex as he wants. He had, including you and his wife, four women on a string. Do you think he’s going to settle for less?

And, from a purely practical point of view, don’t forget that he will have much less “disposable income” once he’s paying court-ordered child support.

Yours in charity,
One who has seen history repeating itself.
 
Prayer. Prayer can change people. It sounds like you’ve already been doing that. Can I suggest the book " The power of a praying wife". Because there is something/someone that may think a little differently than the above quote implys…
[/quote]

The implication is that if she so chooses to leave,she can. No one “needs” to stay where they are being/have been/might be abused, be it physical emotional or verbal.
~ Kathy ~
 
40.png
Katie1723:
The implication is that if she so chooses to leave,she can. ~
Click to expand...
All I’m implying is that too many people see it this way. Prayer can change people. When two people are married they are now one. " No one can seperate what God has joined".

If there is physical abuse where her life is in danger, and she needs to spend time away to keep herself safe until her husband gets help for his abuse problem- that is one thing. I don’t think physical abuse is an issue as far as I’ve read.

She is definately in an awful position, and going through something I would never wish on my worst enemy…All I’m trying to say is that Prayer can change people, and that when you make a promise to anyone- but especially to God, you should not be able to just ‘choose’ to break it.

Pray for him. God will hear your prayers. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to do this right now with all the hurt and betrayal your feeling, but prayer from a wife for her husband is a very, very powerful thing. It is like your praying for yourself because you are actually one.

God bless you.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top