Is my marriage over?

[mary_s_kid]

Lexee,

You are carrying a terribly heavy cross. My heart and prayers go out to you and your child. Other people who have been in similar situations know just how difficult a decision it is to choose between persevering in a marriage that has had such a terrible breach of trust or separating. Neither choice seems acceptable. Only you can feel what your breaking point is. As I’ve stated before, physical abuse is not the only abuse which can be dangerous to a spouse. Mental and emotional abuse can take a terrible toll and you need to take care of yourself in order to take care of your child. Try to give the situation a little more time to see what develops and to give yourself the peace of mind that if your husband doesn’t turn around that you can say to yourself that you have done all you knew how to do to save the marriage. You can’t carry a marriage alone. Never stop praying. Just saying the Lord’s name is a prayer if you don’t have the strength for more formal prayers.

Continue the counseling for yourself. I’ll also pray that your husband wakes up and realizes how much he has wronged you and God and that he begs for forgiveness.

 

[Lexee15]

mary's kid:

Try to give the situation a little more time to see what develops and to give yourself the peace of mind that if your husband doesn’t turn around that you can say to yourself that you have done all you knew how to do to save the marriage. You can’t carry a marriage alone. Never stop praying. Just saying the Lord’s name is a prayer if you don’t have the strength for more formal prayers.

Continue the counseling for yourself. I’ll also pray that your husband wakes up and realizes how much he has wronged you and God and that he begs for forgiveness.

I plan on giving myself some time before making a decision, sometimes women will do and say anything to keep “their man” I do hope she’s lying, maybe by saying this she figures I’ll leave him and she’ll have free reign. If she is pregnant it may not be his, who knows, and if there is a child and it is his then I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. In the mean time I’m staying in MY home with my child and I’m not going anywhere or filing for divorce…I have a feeling that’s what she’s counting on. He is my husband and I have certain rights and thinking of my child comes first, I keep praying that the Lord and the Blessed Mother contniue to give me strength, peace and consolation to accept what His will is. I hope I don’t sound like I’m just being stubborn, but I didn’t get married so that some floozy could come in here and destroy it, I don’t know what’s going to happen with my marriage but for now I certainly WILL NOT get out of the picture so that she can move in…I don’t think so :tsktsk: In the mean time I need to occupy my mind and time, it’s hard to get anywhere with a 4 month old but does anyone have any suggestions on a support group or any kind of group that I can attend, make friends and be able to bring my baby. I live in downtown Chicago and I have no family or real friends…I moved here from California when I got married, the only friends I’ve made have been through my husband’s work, I’d like to make some real friendships. Any suggestions…this has been a real tough situation and made worse by not having any type of support, thanks for all your prayers.

 

[CARose]

Lexee,

I know we’re not in person support, but do know that we care that you’re going through this pain. And while we can’t give you a hug, and go out to grab a cup of coffee, or hang out while you’re busy changing diapers, we can say a prayer and be a sounding board for you.

Marriage can be tough at times. It sounds like you’ve got a great head on your shoulders and I’m happy to hear that you aren’t going to allow your first impulse (or at least my first impulse) to get the better of you, and you are rather looking at this from the long term perspective.

God Bless,

CARose

 

[Lexee15]

CARose:

Lexee,

I know we’re not in person support, but do know that we care that you’re going through this pain. And while we can’t give you a hug, and go out to grab a cup of coffee, or hang out while you’re busy changing diapers, we can say a prayer and be a sounding board for you.

Marriage can be tough at times. It sounds like you’ve got a great head on your shoulders and I’m happy to hear that you aren’t going to allow your first impulse (or at least my first impulse) to get the better of you, and you are rather looking at this from the long term perspective.

God Bless,

CARose

Thanks, and this forum has been a great support for me. All the prayers, advice and different points of view have been very helpful. I just would like to be able to go somewhere so that I can distract myself and have some human contact. If anyone has any suggestions I’d appreciate all (name removed by moderator)ut, I still don’t know what’s going to happen, whatever it may be I’m sure it will be for the best.

 

[Arlene]

Lexee15:

I plan on giving myself some time before making a decision, sometimes women will do and say anything to keep “their man” I do hope she’s lying, maybe by saying this she figures I’ll leave him and she’ll have free reign. If she is pregnant it may not be his, who knows, and if there is a child and it is his then I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. In the mean time I’m staying in MY home with my child and I’m not going anywhere or filing for divorce…I have a feeling that’s what she’s counting on. He is my husband and I have certain rights and thinking of my child comes first, I keep praying that the Lord and the Blessed Mother contniue to give me strength, peace and consolation to accept what His will is. I hope I don’t sound like I’m just being stubborn, but I didn’t get married so that some floozy could come in here and destroy it, I don’t know what’s going to happen with my marriage but for now I certainly WILL NOT get out of the picture so that she can move in…I don’t think so :tsktsk: In the mean time I need to occupy my mind and time, it’s hard to get anywhere with a 4 month old but does anyone have any suggestions on a support group or any kind of group that I can attend, make friends and be able to bring my baby. I live in downtown Chicago and I have no family or real friends…I moved here from California when I got married, the only friends I’ve made have been through my husband’s work, I’d like to make some real friendships. Any suggestions…this has been a real tough situation and made worse by not having any type of support, thanks for all your prayers.

Look into MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) You can meet other moms and have some time to get away. It is considered mom’s time to have some adult contact and there is a seperate area for the kids. but with your baby this young you can probably keep him with you.

Are you nursing? If so, look into Le Leche. I met moms at Le Leche that I still know.

See if your local hospital offers any new mom classes or groups. Does you local gym have any Baby and Me classes?

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been following this thread and my heart just breaks for you. I do think its important that you get out there in the world and find other moms to be with, no matter what else you do on the marriage front.

You are in my prayers.

Arlene

 

[Lexee15]

Arlene:

Look into MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) You can meet other moms and have some time to get away. It is considered mom’s time to have some adult contact and there is a seperate area for the kids. but with your baby this young you can probably keep him with you.

Are you nursing? If so, look into Le Leche. I met moms at Le Leche that I still know.

See if your local hospital offers any new mom classes or groups. Does you local gym have any Baby and Me classes?

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been following this thread and my heart just breaks for you. I do think its important that you get out there in the world and find other moms to be with, no matter what else you do on the marriage front.

You are in my prayers.

Arlene

Thank you so much for the information, I looked into MOPS and I noticed that all the groups/meetings are held at churches of different denominations except for Catholic churches. I also looked at their Faith Position Statement and it sounded very Christian…but not very Catholic. Do you know anything about the group that may not fit with Catholic teachings? It sounds like a group that would be a great deal of help for me, but I also don’t want to deal with trying to be “converted” or to hear any negativity about the Catholic church. I like that it is a Christ centered group so I hope that there wouldn’t be any moral reason why I couldn’t join one of their groups. Do you or anyone know of any reason why a Catholic person shouldn’t participate with this group?

 

[LSK]

Lexee, I am so sorry. And I am so sorry for your husband - what a mixed-up, sad little man he is right now to be causing this kind of heartache to his wife and family.

Please protect yourself legally, as well as spiritually. Do not let your anger or your sadness ‘trick’ you out of your home or being supported properly.

You are in my prayers, my darling.

 

[Arlene]

Lexee15:

Thank you so much for the information, I looked into MOPS and I noticed that all the groups/meetings are held at churches of different denominations except for Catholic churches. I also looked at their Faith Position Statement and it sounded very Christian…but not very Catholic. Do you know anything about the group that may not fit with Catholic teachings? It sounds like a group that would be a great deal of help for me, but I also don’t want to deal with trying to be “converted” or to hear any negativity about the Catholic church. I like that it is a Christ centered group so I hope that there wouldn’t be any moral reason why I couldn’t join one of their groups. Do you or anyone know of any reason why a Catholic person shouldn’t participate with this group?

There was a thread here a month or so ago about Catholic experience with MOPS. I think it really depends on the individual group. Any church can sponsor a MOPs chapter, and there are some Catholic Churches who have a MOPS groups. In my experience, several of my Catholic friends were members along with me, and there was no Catholic bashing or any feeling of making us uncomfortable. Some groups may be sponsored by more anti Catholic churches and have different experiences. You sound like you may have a choice of which one to join. I’d take a look at the church itself and what their relationship with Catholics is. That may give you a good idea of how that may spill over into MOPS. Shop chapters, I’m sure you could find one you would feel comfortable in. I would still be going, but I graduated out when my youngest hit kindergarten.

 

[Katie1723]

Some hospitals offer a “Mom’s Day Out” Check into it!
~ Kathy ~

 

[justice]

Lexee15:

I do wish I could demand that he stay…but my husband does not function with demands. When I demand something he’ll go to the extent of doing the exact opposite…very immature. …I should be asking what the heck is wrong with me to pick a man like this!!!

My husband and I have not even been married for 4 yrs. yet and
both of us have been married b4. (My annulment is going so slow,
everything backed up) Anyway he always told me I treated him
like my son. I told him because he acted like him “when he was
17 yrs. old!” Well that helped some in the immature problem, but
he has a problem with alcohol. I once told him that I needed to look like a beer bottle, then maybe he would pay attention to me.
I have posed that same question to myself about 'what is wrong
with me?" If you were to put me in a room with 100 men, 99 good,
1 bad, I would pick the bad one. My last marriage I was thrown
down stairs, had doors closed on my arms, shoved, hit, you name
it; what I’m going through now is not physical, it’s all mental, but it
it’s still abuse. I don’t know which is worse sometimes. Just make
sure you are happy, because you pass those feelings along to
your child, and if you can’t accept yourself and have high esteem,
your child will have a rough time in life. It’s your life, your decision
though. Keep your chin up. I will keep you in my prayers.

God Bless…Justice
My husband had him a sweetie also!

 

[Lexee15]

justice:

My husband and I have not even been married for 4 yrs. yet and
both of us have been married b4. (My annulment is going so slow,
everything backed up) Anyway he always told me I treated him
like my son. I told him because he acted like him “when he was
17 yrs. old!” Well that helped some in the immature problem, but
he has a problem with alcohol. I once told him that I needed to look like a beer bottle, then maybe he would pay attention to me.
I have posed that same question to myself about 'what is wrong
with me?" If you were to put me in a room with 100 men, 99 good,
1 bad, I would pick the bad one. My last marriage I was thrown
down stairs, had doors closed on my arms, shoved, hit, you name
it; what I’m going through now is not physical, it’s all mental, but it
it’s still abuse. I don’t know which is worse sometimes. Just make
sure you are happy, because you pass those feelings along to
your child, and if you can’t accept yourself and have high esteem,
your child will have a rough time in life. It’s your life, your decision
though. Keep your chin up. I will keep you in my prayers.

God Bless…Justice
My husband had him a sweetie also!

I tell you I don’t understand men, I know that it’s not right to generalize and put all men in the same boat, but seems to me that most men really have maturity and committment issues. They don’t seem to understand the vows they take, the importance of modeling a holy family, they are suppose to be the head of the family, the leader and they take the priviledge of being made in God’s own image and flush it down the toilet :banghead:
I really don’t understand the need to be unfaithful, violent and abusive (all aspects), not that there aren’t women who are like this but I know there are far fewer women who act like this than men. I’m sorry about what you’ve had to go through and continue to go through, you are also in my prayers.

 

[Lexee15]

Arlene:

There was a thread here a month or so ago about Catholic experience with MOPS. I think it really depends on the individual group. Any church can sponsor a MOPs chapter, and there are some Catholic Churches who have a MOPS groups. In my experience, several of my Catholic friends were members along with me, and there was no Catholic bashing or any feeling of making us uncomfortable. Some groups may be sponsored by more anti Catholic churches and have different experiences. You sound like you may have a choice of which one to join. I’d take a look at the church itself and what their relationship with Catholics is. That may give you a good idea of how that may spill over into MOPS. Shop chapters, I’m sure you could find one you would feel comfortable in. I would still be going, but I graduated out when my youngest hit kindergarten.

Thank you Arlene :tiphat: , I will check them all out hopefully there’s one out in this area that’s sponsored through a Catholic church. Out of the protestant churches which ones are less anti-Catholic…or does it depend on each individual congregation? I do think I would like to join this group.

 

[Princess_Abby]

I’ve heard of www.matchingmoms.org, too…

Supposedly it’s a place to get “matched” with moms who have similar interests/beliefs, etc, in your area.

I know of a friend of a friend who did it and found a good couple friends (with children) that way.

 

[Lexee15]

Staying on this same thread I would like some advice, since I have decided to try and make things work out in my marriage how do I begin to heal?
My husband has alot of issues, his dad was assasinated when he was about 5 years old, his mom left them with an aunt in order to find work and be able to support 6 children. He and his siblings were not reunited with their mother until he was about 12 years old…during the time he was apart from his mother he and another sibling were sexually abused by a family member. When reunited with their mother they find her with a new husband, pregnant with a 7th child and converted as a SDA. I would imagine this would have been very confusing for them…then a couple of years later his mother divorced because her new husband found it too difficult to care for 6 children who weren’t his.
At this point his mother began to work 2 jobs everyday, a day and a night job in order to keep food on the table, a roof over their head and clothes on their back. Essentially, they raised themselves, he now suffers from alcoholism, gambling addictions, jumping from relationship to relationship, marriage to marriage and running to what he thinks will be the family he never had and running away as soon as things get difficult including committing adultry and not to mention his constant lying.
I have arranged to have individual therapy for myself through Catholic Charities because I need to heal and realize that what has happened is not my fault despite my tendancy to think otherwise sometimes, and to figure out how I ended up the third wife of this man. I love him and am committed to my marriage and my family, but I have issues also that need to be addressed.
Should I seek anything that would entail marital therapy or should I just encourage individual therapy for him then somewhere down the road look into marital therapy, and is Retrouvaille an option right now or should I wait on this too? I still don’t feel very secure about his committment or his willingness to get passed this although he does say that’s what he wants. I also don’t feel he should be off the hook with this although I ask myself if it’s my place to make him pay for what he did…
I’m trying to move on and not dwell, I honestly feel that the Holy Spirit has given me the grace to forgive and be okay, but there are times that being human takes over and I have a really hard time just trusting that I will be okay no matter what happens. Is there a place I can go to to find a qualified therapist this is pro-marriage and able to help him with his issues that I may suggest to him?
I just don’t know where to go from here

 

[shannin]

Lexee15:

My last thread was about my husband’s affair(s) and whether or not I should try to get passed it and make things work. He had expressed wanting to try to get passed this and working on ourselves and then on our marriage, things were moving along…slowly, but nonetheless they were moving along, I was in the process of finding therapy for myself and someone for him. He, of course, had agreed to it and last night after I got upset with him for getting home two hours after he said he’d be home without calling he stated that maybe things were just not going to work out and that the baby and I would be better off without him. I of course told him that this was not for our benefit but for his own, this was the easy way out. I also know that the girl after finding out that he is indeed married…because I told her…was still calling him and he was talking to her also…I don’t know what the conversations were about but I feel that she finally got to him. I, the angry wife who wants answers, is what he has at home and she is the one with the loving, extended, open arms just waiting and pining for him…obviously she would be the more attractive choice instead of having to deal with our reality. I still plan on going to counseling, but should I just let him go…do I continue to fight to save this marriage even if he’s not willing to do it. He seems to think that “love” is just a feeling and when it’s not there anymore there’s nothing to fight for…I happen to believe that love is a choice a commitment even when you don’t “feel” that you love that person very much at the time, and I told him that, I just don’t know if it really makes a difference anymore. When is it just time to throw in the towel? It’s only been three weeks since I found out although we’ve been having problems for a while…is there any hope?

Hi Lexee,
Maybe this is just my Irish pride and stubborness, but my gut feeling is that he just isn’t worth it. My advice to you is to get on with your life. Get into counseling. Start to take very good care of yourself. Stay close to the sacraments if you are Catholic. If you’re not Catholic, then stay close to your own Church. It will help your self-esteem to start an exercise program during this time. Exercise reduces stress and makes us feel better. You need spritual and physical strength to be able to take care of yourself and your baby.

I think that a combination of counseling, full confidence in God’s divine providence and exercise is what YOU need right now.

Remember that you are very very precious to God. Even if you were the only person in the entire world, He would have still sent his Son to die for YOU on the Cross.

Don’t argue with your husband when he comes home late but do let him know that you are hurt and disappointed by his behavior. Let him know that you still love him. Pray for him and pray for the other woman. I know that’s so hard to do, but releasing all your burdens to our Lord will help you.

In the end, you must realize that you can only control your own actions and have no control over his.

You’re in my prayers…
Shannin

 

[K777angel]

Lexee15:

Staying on this same thread I would like some advice, since I have decided to try and make things work out in my marriage how do I begin to heal?
My husband has alot of issues, his dad was assasinated when he was about 5 years old, his mom left them with an aunt in order to find work and be able to support 6 children. He and his siblings were not reunited with their mother until he was about 12 years old…during the time he was apart from his mother he and another sibling were sexually abused by a family member. When reunited with their mother they find her with a new husband, pregnant with a 7th child and converted as a SDA. I would imagine this would have been very confusing for them…then a couple of years later his mother divorced because her new husband found it too difficult to care for 6 children who weren’t his.
At this point his mother began to work 2 jobs everyday, a day and a night job in order to keep food on the table, a roof over their head and clothes on their back. Essentially, they raised themselves, he now suffers from alcoholism, gambling addictions, jumping from relationship to relationship, marriage to marriage and running to what he thinks will be the family he never had and running away as soon as things get difficult including committing adultry and not to mention his constant lying.
I have arranged to have individual therapy for myself through Catholic Charities because I need to heal and realize that what has happened is not my fault despite my tendancy to think otherwise sometimes, and to figure out how I ended up the third wife of this man. I love him and am committed to my marriage and my family, but I have issues also that need to be addressed.
Should I seek anything that would entail marital therapy or should I just encourage individual therapy for him then somewhere down the road look into marital therapy, and is Retrouvaille an option right now or should I wait on this too? I still don’t feel very secure about his committment or his willingness to get passed this although he does say that’s what he wants. I also don’t feel he should be off the hook with this although I ask myself if it’s my place to make him pay for what he did…
I’m trying to move on and not dwell, I honestly feel that the Holy Spirit has given me the grace to forgive and be okay, but there are times that being human takes over and I have a really hard time just trusting that I will be okay no matter what happens. Is there a place I can go to to find a qualified therapist this is pro-marriage and able to help him with his issues that I may suggest to him?
I just don’t know where to go from here

Wow Lexee - you have given great insight now into why your husband behaves as he does. I believe he has an “attachment disorder.” Due to all the times he was abandoned in his early years. He is now imitating what his mother did.
Mind you - I am not excusing his choices. We all have free will. In spite of our upbringing and past hurts - we CAN overcome them! God is a God of mercy and healing!
Please keep praying - and I will for you and for him and your little boy. It is well worth hoping for.
Sometimes helping someone put things into perspective on a level they can feel and understand helps them to see through your eyes and heart.
I would ask him to pretend his little son is HIM. Ask him if the family life he is creating right now is what HE would want for himself? Or does he want something different - something he always longed for? Well tell him he has the POWER to create that now. With God’s help - and your unconditional love - it is possible.
God Bless you dear. He is very blessed to have you in his life.

 

[Al_Masetti]

Pray over this.

Go to daily Mass. Make strenuous efforts to do that.

Dump it on Jesus. Go to the Tabernacle. Look Jesus straight in the Eye: “I have no idea what to do. I have no idea what to pray for. I can’t fix this. I have no idea what to do. I can’t do this. YOU DO IT.” “And no funny stuff”. [God has a strange sense of humor sometimes.]

A 30-second visit.

 

[rayne89]

shannin:

Hi Lexee,
Maybe this is just my Irish pride and stubborness, but my gut feeling is that he just isn’t worth it.

Just as Lexee is very precious to God her husband is also, what isn’t he “worth”? I really do know where your coming from Shannin but I remember hearing those words about my husband when things were really bad and they stung a lot. Lexee obviously loves this very troubled man and if she didn’t think he was worth it she’d have been gone already.

Absolutely do Retrouvaille. Our marriage hung by a thread when we went to Retrouvaille -it was such a painful time for us. But it really helped us get the healing started.

Only you know how much is enough Lexee before you say I can’t do this anymore. If your eyes are on Jesus there is always hope whatever the outcome maybe, He is always by your side.

shannin:

Get into counseling. Start to take very good care of yourself. Stay close to the sacraments if you are Catholic. If you’re not Catholic, then stay close to your own Church. It will help your self-esteem to start an exercise program during this time. Exercise reduces stress and makes us feel better. You need spritual and physical strength to be able to take care of yourself and your baby.

This is very good advice. You are going to need all the emotional and spiritual strength to get you through this difficult time.
Al Masetti:

Go to the Tabernacle. Look Jesus straight in the Eye: “I have no idea what to do. I have no idea what to pray for. I can’t fix this. I have no idea what to do. I can’t do this. YOU DO IT.” “And no funny stuff”.

This is very good too.

I remember being absolutely drained. I had been fighting the battle for so long. I was exhausted, I was numb -there weren’t even anymore tears left to cry. I literally got on my living room floor put my head on the ground and said “God, I just can’t do this anymore. I have nothing left to try, nothing left to give and no energy left to fight. It’s in your hands now. You have to do it because I can’t just do this anymore.” He didn’t let me down.

 

[B_a_r_b]

Lexee15:

Staying on this same thread I would like some advice, since I have decided to try and make things work out in my marriage how do I begin to heal?

I would suggest your husband contact sa www.sa.org. There is a solution to his problem if he wants it.

Lexee15:

I should be asking what the heck is wrong with me to pick a man like this!!!

I would suggest you contact sanon (www.sanon.org) as soon as possible, regardless of what your husband chooses to do.

All of this is scary and confusing stuff. Facing the mess with the help and care of people who are willing to share their experience, strength, and hope about these particular issues makes a difference. In my personal experience, although there are many people in my life that care about me and want to help me, the help that worked was the help I get in this fellowship.

Everything for us is different now and I have hope that my children will not suffer as much or as unknowingly as I and my husband have.

Best of luck to you. – B a r b

 

[StCsDavid]

CatholicTherapists.com

I don’t know if they have a therapist in your area, but this might be a place to start.

I admire your courage and trust in our Lord. You are in my prayers.