Is NFP more of a cross than a blessing to you?

[whm]

It was when my husband and I realized NFP was not healthy for our marriage that we examined the church teaching more carefully. Including everything that went on during the time of the Birth Control Commission in the late 60’s and the fact that the majority of cardinals and bishops disagreed that ABC was intrinsically evil. In the end we could not in good conscience agree with it and continue to use it.

This is because the Holy Spirit protects the Church from proclaiming a false doctrine. The fact that a significant number of bishops wanted to change doctrine, and that such a change would be popular with many is one of the best pieces of evidence supporting the principle of infallibility.

 

[CallMeDad]

Granted, there is a cross to bear in doing NFP. We bear the cross together, my wife and I. I dread the long dry spells, but we do anticipate and then savor the green light days. I would not be surprised if we have more appreciation of those opportunities than couples who use ABC. I know my wife has talked to married friends who tell her that their husbands have little apparent interest in them.

More importantly, I think using any kind of contraception at this point would spoil it for both of us. I know it would for me. My job is to get my wife into heaven. I look out for her, and she for me. Now that we know the Church teaching on this, we can’t just flout it. I agree with it anyway, having spent some time with Theology of the Body and all.

If someone asked me about it, I would not idealize NFP, but I think I would recommend it for reasons both secular and spiritual.

 

[truetofaith]

Some abbreviations that have shown up in this thread pertinent to the topic:

NFP = natural family planning
EBF = exclusive breastfeeding or ecological breastfeeding (depending on context; they aren’t the same thing. Here I think ecological breastfeeding was meant.)
CCL = Couple to Couple League, an organization that teaches NFP
ABC = artificial birth control (a catchall term for contraception/birth control methods not permissible under Church teaching)

A few that I don’t think showed up yet but might:
STM = sympto-thermal method, one of a variety of methods of NFP that involves measuring cervical fluid/mucus (sometimes abbreviated as CF/CM) as well as basal body temperature (BBT). Also can be used with a third sign such as cervix position.
TCOYF = Taking Charge of Your Fertility - a popular secular book about NFP/FAM
FAM = fertility awareness method, basically the same as natural family planning, but secular (e.g. TCOYF advocates using a barrier method during fertile times)

Most of these are pretty common lingo on the Family Life forum and several will pop up in any thread on NFP.

WTCDYN = Wow, this can drive you nuts ! :hypno:

 

[truetofaith]

NFP gets easier as you get older.

 

[SusanneT]

NFP is an alternative to abstinence, not an alternative to birth control. Abstinence is a bigger cross.

At least that’s how I think of it.

An alternative to abstinence or simply following God’s will for your fertility.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Good point! 10-14 days of abstaining sure beats perpetual abstinence! Thanks be to God! Thanks for that reminder!

Anyone else struggle with the difficulties of NFP in your marriage?

NFP is such a tease I can honestly say that I’d prefer perpetual abstinence. Lol. I guess prefer knowing over the perpetual uncertainty of NFP. With Murphy’s law you know at least half of the green days on the calendar will be taken up with in-laws visiting, sick kids, or business trips anyway. So I never understood why even bother. My wife doesn’t mind it much though. The only part that really bothered her was us using separate bedrooms on fertile days.

 

[pensmama87]

NFP is such a tease I can honestly say that I’d prefer perpetual abstinence. Lol. I guess prefer knowing over the perpetual uncertainty of NFP. With Murphy’s law you know at least half of the green days on the calendar will be taken up with in-laws visiting, sick kids, or business trips anyway. So I never understood why even bother. My wife doesn’t mind it much though. The only part that really bothered her was us using separate bedrooms on fertile days.

I don’t think these experiences are anywhere near universal for couples practicing NFP, but of course you have to do what works for you.

I would be bothered by the separate bedrooms, too - it would feel like my husband thought I was only good for sex, so why be around if I wasn’t available.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

I don’t think these experiences are anywhere near universal for couples practicing NFP, but of course you have to do what works for you.

I would be bothered by the separate bedrooms, too - it would feel like my husband thought I was only good for sex, so why be around if I wasn’t available.

Oh she hated it when I end up on the couch, but on the bright side it provided good motivation for her to chart. It isn’t easy to go to sleep when there is that much sexual tension in the air. It’s not easy to live like a monk and still have a wife to please. It’s like having the worst of both worlds.

 

[underacloud]

I would be bothered by the separate bedrooms, too - it would feel like my husband thought I was only good for sex, so why be around if I wasn’t available.

Maybe it can be taken more in terms of his wife being irresistible to him. That’s how I feel at times too. And be assured that for (many) men sex is more about emotional connection than mere physical pleasure. It is not merely a base instinct, but a real desire for intimacy. Irresistible intimacy.

So if the serious reasons to use NFP are serious enough, then separate beds, separate rooms may be needed. It’s extreme, but sometimes so can be the desire for intimacy.

 

[underacloud]

Maybe it can be taken more in terms of his wife being irresistible to him. That’s how I feel at times too. And be assured that for (many) men sex is more about emotional connection than mere physical pleasure. It is not merely a base instinct, but a real desire for intimacy. Irresistible intimacy.

So if the serious reasons to use NFP are serious enough, then separate beds, separate rooms may be needed. It’s extreme, but sometimes so can be the desire for intimacy.

 

[UbiCaritas]

NFP itself isn’t too much of a cross for us. It sucks, sure, but so do a lot of things. We’re lucky in that I have very regular cycles, and we’ve found a method that works for us.

The problem is that DH’s monthly work cycle and my body’s cycle have aligned in such a way that ever since I started cycling post-DD, my husband’s monthly work deadlines align with the middle-to-end of Phase III. These deadlines are such that he’s working 18-20-hour days, plus a commute, for about a week, which means that Phase III is nearly impossible to use. On that kind of schedule, he’s (quite understandably) not interested in anything but sleep if he’s not working. Since my cycle is 31-33 days long…yeah. It’s unlikely to change, unless we’re willing to TTW/TTC. We get about 3 usable days in Phase I.

That I really, really hate.

 

[Xantippe]

Living in a marriage where you can have sex whenever you want may sound wonderful, and freeing and relaxing but it isn’t. That’s the big LIE.

I was thinking of linking the old Monty Python Meaning of Life sketch with the Protestant husband talking about the glories of Protestant freedom to use contraception, but it was a little too off-color for CAF. (The husband is talking about how they could have sex any time and not have babies–but he and his wife almost never have sex.)

But, despite some off-color bits, the sketch effectively makes the point that when something is always an option, people often forget to do it. A little time pressure is often wholesome in reminding us to do something, even something we might enjoy. For a completely different example, consider how often it happens that people that live in a particular city (say NYC) never do the usual touristy things (see the Statue of Liberty, visit the Empire State Building) because they could do it any day, so they don’t. Meanwhile, tourists hit town for the weekend and they do a million things (see all the sites, go to a Broadway show), because they know their opportunity is limited.

 

[sailor28]

This is because the Holy Spirit protects the Church from proclaiming a false doctrine. The fact that a significant number of bishops wanted to change doctrine, and that such a change would be popular with many is one of the best pieces of evidence supporting the principle of infallibility.

You can believe that if it validates your value/belief system. The truth is the majority of priests don’t hold the hard line on the teaching. Not because they want to make life easier for everyone but because they, like my husband and I, have studied the teaching and theologically and philosophically it does not hold up. Not to mention the damage it does to some marriages. It is not reasonable to expect a couple to submit to something they #1 see has theologically incorrect and #2 see it is harmful to the unitive aspects of marriage. I can not violate my conscience on this matter. I am ready and willing to stand before God on it.

The church’s teaching on birth control has been an enormous pastoral failure. The church’s insistence on this has lost her credibility. 80% don’t disagree with teaching because they are all ignorant and uninformed. Personally, I don’t think any human being or institution is infallible.

 

[Xantippe]

NFP itself isn’t too much of a cross for us. It sucks, sure, but so do a lot of things. We’re lucky in that I have very regular cycles, and we’ve found a method that works for us.

The problem is that DH’s monthly work cycle and my body’s cycle have aligned in such a way that ever since I started cycling post-DD, my husband’s monthly work deadlines align with the middle-to-end of Phase III. These deadlines are such that he’s working 18-20-hour days, plus a commute, for about a week, which means that Phase III is nearly impossible to use. On that kind of schedule, he’s (quite understandably) not interested in anything but sleep if he’s not working. Since my cycle is 31-33 days long…yeah. It’s unlikely to change, unless we’re willing to TTW/TTC. We get about 3 usable days in Phase I.

That I really, really hate.

Bummer.

If it’s any comfort, things will eventually change.

I used to have longish 30+ day cycles, but I’m 39 and as I’ve gotten closer to That Very Special Time, I’m now having 24-26-28 day cycles. Man, those go by quick! On the one hand, Phase 3 is very short (and we only use two days of Phase 1), but at the same time, Phase 2 also goes by really fast.

(I realize that the next step is really long and unpredictable cycles, but for the moment, this is OK.)

 

[Xantippe]

You can believe that if it validates your value/belief system. The truth is the majority of priests don’t hold the hard line on the teaching. Not because they want to make life easier for everyone but because they, like my husband and I, have studied the teaching and theologically and philosophically it does not hold up.

**I strongly suspect that any priest that is squishy on contraception is probably that way because of pastoral concerns, rather than because they have engaged in some sort of huge intensive program of study of theology, philosophy, and tradition. That’s really not how it works.
**

The church’s teaching on birth control has been an enormous pastoral failure. The church’s insistence on this has lost her credibility. 80% don’t disagree with teaching because they are all ignorant and uninformed. Personally, I don’t think any human being or institution is infallible.

Forgiveness is also extraordinary unpopular.

Also, come to think of it, you could also say something very similar about premarital chastity being a pastoral failure, both among Catholics and in the Christian world at large.

 

[whm]

An alternative to abstinence or simply following God’s will for your fertility.

 

[masondoggy]

I’ll be blunt. I get angry when I hear people trying to sell NFP as this great wonderful thing that will be sooooo wonderful for your marriage, it will be such a blessing, blah, blah, blah.

It makes me angry.

They completely discount the cross that so many NFP couples carry as if there must be something wrong with them if everything isn’t hunky dory in the NFP world. (CCL is particularly famous for this) We need to stop this. It’s not helping ANYBODY. We need to be honest to ourselves AND when we’re trying to “sell” NFP to other people. It is NOT easy. It can put a strain on your marriage. It CAN fail, it DOES fail. It can be frustrating. It’s not as easy as popping a pill in your mouth every morning. We set couples up for serious marriage problems when we’re not honest from the get-go and give them realistic expectations.

We can sell NFP on health/theological reasons alone. We don’t have to shine it up to make it look like a brand new car. These are marriages we’re talking about, not a fancy car.

My own story…My husband and I have been using NFP for over ten years. He is not Catholic but goes along with it willingly because it’s important to me. Trying to practice NFP and actually stick with it all these years with a non-Catholic spouse has been a VERY lonely place for me. I feel like I’m in this on my own…not only am I in a very lonely place because he doesn’t go to Mass with us, we don’t pray together (that’s another story for another day), I’m completely on my own in being responsible for teaching my kids the faith (and I have failed in many ways), but I’m also completely on my own in tracking my cycles, interpreting them correctly, and being the gatekeeper in the bedroom. It’s a very dark place to be and it has caused a tremendous amount of friction and pressure on our relationship. And it’s not because DH is pressuring me or this horrible husband that doesn’t respect his wife. He never pressures me when we have to abstain but the abstinence is extremely hard on him and it makes me feel like hell.

I would just LOVE for the CCL to actually address NFP use in mixed marriages. Because I know I’m not the only one in this boat and it may actually give us some encouragement to have the NFP “community” acknowledge our unique cross.

I don’t use NFP because it’s pretty, or because it’s supposed to be this flowery “blessing”, or because it’s supposed to make our marriage so much better. That’s all hogwash. I use it out of obedience. Because I believe and understand that Jesus gave his Church teaching authority and sent the Holy Spirit to guide that Church into all truth, and His Church teaches that it’s a mortal sin. THAT is why I keep plugging away on my chart. It would be so easy to throw in the towel and get my tubes tied or tell DH to go ahead and get that vasectomy. Sooooooooo easy.

But I don’t want to go to Hell. It’s as simple as that. And THAT is what we should be selling NFP on.

 

[Xantippe]

An alternative to abstinence or simply following God’s will for your fertility.

I think “simply following God’s will for your fertility” is probably not the correct terminology there, because it suggests that NFP isn’t and it suggests that every flicker of marital sexual desire is a command from on high.

None of us gets a calendar from God with gotta-have-sex dates circled in red. (At least I didn’t get one.)

 

[Kelfa28]

I’ll be blunt. I get angry when I hear people trying to sell NFP as this great wonderful thing that will be sooooo wonderful for your marriage, it will be such a blessing, blah, blah, blah.

It makes me angry.

They completely discount the cross that so many NFP couples carry as if there must be something wrong with them if everything isn’t hunky dory in the NFP world. (CCL is particularly famous for this) We need to stop this. It’s not helping ANYBODY. We need to be honest to ourselves AND when we’re trying to “sell” NFP to other people. It is NOT easy. It can put a strain on your marriage. It CAN fail, it DOES fail. It can be frustrating. It’s not as easy as popping a pill in your mouth every morning. We set couples up for serious marriage problems when we’re not honest from the get-go and give them realistic expectations.

We can sell NFP on health/theological reasons alone. We don’t have to shine it up to make it look like a brand new car. These are marriages we’re talking about, not a fancy car.

My own story…My husband and I have been using NFP for over ten years. He is not Catholic but goes along with it willingly because it’s important to me. Trying to practice NFP and actually stick with it all these years with a non-Catholic spouse has been a VERY lonely place for me. I feel like I’m in this on my own…not only am I in a very lonely place because he doesn’t go to Mass with us, we don’t pray together (that’s another story for another day), I’m completely on my own in being responsible for teaching my kids the faith (and I have failed in many ways), but I’m also completely on my own in tracking my cycles, interpreting them correctly, and being the gatekeeper in the bedroom. It’s a very dark place to be and it has caused a tremendous amount of friction and pressure on our relationship. And it’s not because DH is pressuring me or this horrible husband that doesn’t respect his wife. He never pressures me when we have to abstain but the abstinence is extremely hard on him and it makes me feel like hell.

I would just LOVE for the CCL to actually address NFP use in mixed marriages. Because I know I’m not the only one in this boat and it may actually give us some encouragement to have the NFP “community” acknowledge our unique cross.

I don’t use NFP because it’s pretty, or because it’s supposed to be this flowery “blessing”, or because it’s supposed to make our marriage so much better. That’s all hogwash. I use it out of obedience. Because I believe and understand that Jesus gave his Church teaching authority and sent the Holy Spirit to guide that Church into all truth, and His Church teaches that it’s a mortal sin. THAT is why I keep plugging away on my chart. It would be so easy to throw in the towel and get my tubes tied or tell DH to go ahead and get that vasectomy. Sooooooooo easy.

But I don’t want to go to Hell. It’s as simple as that. And THAT is what we should be selling NFP on.

I second all of this!

Granted my husband is Catholic too and understands the Church’s teaching…yet he still won’t learn NFP and does leave it up to me and it’s a struggle.

I’ve tried…I’ve left him books, brought it up in conversation, left my charts out for him to see and stopped talking to him about it completely…so when he does ask for intimacy or asks me how charting is “going” I say…“well, the charts are there…you tell me!” It leaves a blank look on his face that leads to a sheepish look.
But nothing changes.

He knows he should probably be trying. I brought up the book pensmama suggested at the beginning of the thread. It started with a “babe, I’m so busy with work…” then he saw the look on my face and changed his tune.

I keep saying…maybe it will change…come this PP time. I don’t know anymore. I can’t force him to do anything. I can’t force him to even have a passing knowledge of NFP…especially since these are my bodily functions and not his.

I hate feeling like the gateway to the bedroom.

CCL is one of the main offenders of NFP being all kinds of flowers, rainbows and unicorns. They seem to cater only to the Catholic families with the stay-at-home mom who nurses her first baby exclusively.
No mention of how to breast feed an infant exclusively with multiple children, no mention of working moms and dads with irregular hours, no mention of dealing with a non-believing spouse.
No mention at all about husbands who convert to the faith and suddenly cannot partake in sinful methods to space births and a non-believing wife who is confronted with all of this information and told…if you want to continue marital relations you have three choices…flood your body with hormones or attend classes and start interpreting your cycles or get pregnant again and again and again…whether you want to or not.

There is no win-win situation with any of this. Not that there should be…Christ suffered and we do too.
But saying that NFP is such a wonderful thing is just not true for everyone. There are plenty of people on these boards that have trouble with charting…some have given it up completely in favor of just accepting children…and Go-bless them for it.

Others…whether the boards like it or not…do not want and can’t cope with a large family and don’t have the ability to space pregnancies via breastfeeding…and there isn’t anything wrong with that either.
I don’t want a lot of kids. My husband and I are barely hanging on…especially financially…with two…soon to be three. We don’t want to keep going.
We can be just as holy and seek God’s graces with a smaller family.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Bummer.

If it’s any comfort, things will eventually change.

I used to have longish 30+ day cycles, but I’m 39 and as I’ve gotten closer to That Very Special Time, I’m now having 24-26-28 day cycles. Man, those go by quick! On the one hand, Phase 3 is very short (and we only use two days of Phase 1), but at the same time, Phase 2 also goes by really fast.

(I realize that the next step is really long and unpredictable cycles, but for the moment, this is OK.)

Yep! I keep bearing in mind that it’s likely we’ll try for #2 at some point, and things will change then, or DH will get different job responsibilities, or perhaps I’ll have massive amounts of stress in a given cycle that will result in a delayed ovulation, resetting the monthly clock, so to speak. Not that I especially want that kind of stress , but hey, might as well take enjoy that benefit if it happens, right?

Really, what’s kept me sane since this started last summer was remembering that eventually it’ll be over, and it really won’t last forever…just seems that way sometimes, especially after a particularly ahem hormonal Phase II…