Is not wanting more children a sin?

[Rence]

I have two beautiful babies and my husband and I do not wish to have anymore. We want to avoid pregnancy in the future. Is this sinful?

Our reasoning is that we can provide more financially to two children and live the lifestyle that we want with our children. We could afford better vacations, schools, social activities for our children, etc. We can give more attention to our two children and it wouldn’t be divided; we as parents wouldn’t be out numbered, so each of us could focus on one of our children at any given time.

I know that many Catholics say it is wrong to avoid having more children, but is it really if the whole family will benefit from this decision?

I’m just curious to see what the responses will be because I have been thinking about this lately.

The Church teaches that you have to have serious reasons not to want to conceive, to be determined by prayer and reflection. Your reasons may be serious to some, but I know others won’t agree that they’re serious. I think it is very serious to be able to focus on your children and give them what they need. And if you think you’ll be stetched too thin to be able to provide that if you have more children, I think that’s a serious consideration. I too think it is very important to be able to provide a good education for your children. Social activities can count as a serious reason, depending on what they are, especially if they enrich your children’s experiences in life, such as musical lessons. What is important to some, will not be important to others. You probably won’t get too many people to agree that better vacations are serious. Personally, I hate vacations. But some people I know insist their child should spend a summer in Italy, or France, to learn the language and culture, etc. But everyone wants to be able to provide an enriched life for their children. It’s just that people will have various opinions on what it would take to do that You may consider art classes a priority, while I might consider taking responsibility for a pet to be a priority. You may consider piano lessons a priority, while I might consider maintaining the garden a priority

Families are very different, and come from different backgrounds and cultures. Problems arise when one person doesn’t see the value in other person’s priorities. I think there is a very big difference between saving up for the brand new shiny expensive car, and saving up to send your kids to Harvard, or even Loyola University. Someone else might think anything but community college is over the top. And maybe it is, who is to say?

When it doubt, you should really go to your priest for counsel because he will be able to ask the right questions and swim though all the details of what’s on your mind to better understand what you’re thinking I know my parents put only two of us though parochial school, and they struggled. They couldn’t have done it for 3, or 4, or 5.

 

[kristacecilia]

I thought about this a little overnight, Serap, and there is something I wanted to add.

When we marry, we make a promise:

“Will you accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?**”

The reality is, when put into practice, this is much more gray than black and white.

So much depends on our situations. Right now, if I could have my way, we might not have anymore children, either. I am 8 months pregnant with #4. This pregnancy has been the hardest on me in terms of fatigue and other pregnancy issues. I am already dreading some of the newborn issues I will be dealing with in a few weeks because I will also have to deal with 2 year old issues, 4 year old issues, and 6 year old issues at the same time. Plus, I homeschool them so we’re all here… all day… every day. There will be no more ‘breaks’ for me once this little one arrives. I will be lucky if DH can manage the four of them long enough for me to get a quick shower every other day.

(I am not trying to complain here, I am actually very excited for my new little one and can’t wait to meet her and welcome her into our family!)

However, it would be contrary to the promise I made God for me to say, “I never want another child.” The whole point of the promise is that you entrusted GOD to plan your family. You will ACCEPT them LOVINGING from him. That doesn’t mean I think everyone is called to pop out babies every 9 months. That doesn’t mean I think everyone is called to have 5, 10, 15, or 20 children.

It’s in your attitude. If you were to get pregnant again, would you be resentful? Would you be angry because your ‘plan’ is being disrupted? If you have to give up nicer vacations or social events?

When you are on your death bed, will you be content with the decisions you’ve made?

The decision to have or not have more children is rarely an all or none one. Generally it’s a decision we make month to month, or according to the changing situation of our family life.

To say, “right now I am content with two but we’re taking it one day at a time.” is a lot different than saying, “I don’t want any more children because we want to take nicer vacations.” or (in my case) “Four is hard enough. I don’t want to ever have another child.”

Who knows how we will feel in a year or two or three? Or what our situation will be in life? Right now you have a five month old. Right now I am eight months pregnant. No wonder neither of us wants to have another child right now.

We are still both called to remember the promise we made to accept children lovingly from God, though. Which means, in our hearts, we have to be open to new life not closed to it. Realistically, if this month we have a good reason to postpone, then we should take that as a sign of God’s will that right now is not the time to do what we can to avoid conceiving another child via NFP.

Just take it one month at a time.

 

[Serap]

I’ve thought about your responses…thank you.

No I wouldn’t be resentful if I were blessed with another child…never would I feel that way about a baby. We would just have to re-arrange our lives a bit.

Right now, I definitely don’t want anymore children. Stratus hit the nail…I am not supported enough. I have no help from family and my husband doesn’t help a whole lot. He helps how he can, but if he helps me a lot for a couple of days, he begins to get grumpy and resentful and it’s too much for him. Then I have to deal with kids and a grumpy nagging husband too.

I guess I just don’t think I could handle another child in any near future. Maybe when my youngest is around 4 or 5, but then I would be 42, 43 years old and perhaps too old anyway.

I am just glad I was fertile after the age of 35!!! What a blessing it was!

 

[luvu2]

I too agree with mysticalrdesign. Very good post and comments. will be praying for you.

 

[Em_in_FL]

I am not supported enough. I have no help from family and my husband doesn’t help a whole lot. He helps how he can, but if he helps me a lot for a couple of days, he begins to get grumpy and resentful and it’s too much for him. Then I have to deal with kids and a grumpy nagging husband too.

I guess I just don’t think I could handle another child in any near future. Maybe when my youngest is around 4 or 5, but then I would be 42, 43 years old and perhaps too old anyway.

See what a few extra words add… more perspective! NO ONE knows the depth of your situation except the Almighty - no one!
Everyone can look at your original post and say “it’s a sin - she’s being selfish”… but what now? She’s struggling, unsupported, age is a potential issue… and that’s just what she wrote in less than 100 words! An entirely different perspective of a multi-dimensional issue.

Some people are VERY VERY BLESSED in ways that they’ll never fully understand in this life… and comparing their hearts and minds to your situation is not going to give full charity to your situation.

NFP requires prayer because you HAVE things in your life to PRAY ABOUT (ie, struggles, lack of support, etc)!

You’ll be in my prayers, Serap…

 

[mommamaree]

I’ve thought about your responses…thank you.

No I wouldn’t be resentful if I were blessed with another child…never would I feel that way about a baby. We would just have to re-arrange our lives a bit.

Right now, I definitely don’t want anymore children. Stratus hit the nail…I am not supported enough. I have no help from family and my husband doesn’t help a whole lot. He helps how he can, but if he helps me a lot for a couple of days, he begins to get grumpy and resentful and it’s too much for him. Then I have to deal with kids and a grumpy nagging husband too.

I guess I just don’t think I could handle another child in any near future. Maybe when my youngest is around 4 or 5, but then I would be 42, 43 years old and perhaps too old anyway.

I am just glad I was fertile after the age of 35!!! What a blessing it was!

Serap,
Please forgive me if I am sticking my nose way too far into your business with my response to this post…but I am worried about you with your husband behaving so childishly about helping you out with the children. Does he consciously make the connection between the physical intimacy that you share with him and the increase in family size and responsibilities? Is he a younger man? It just seems that there must be some kind of disconnect in his thinking between his enjoyment of his wife and his responsibilities to wife and family. Unfortunately, that seems to be a common disconnect shared by many young men in the U.S., but I have noticed far less of this problem in Catholic culture. His grumpiness also indicates that he feels it is not fair to have to help at home, and yet he expects you to run yourself ragged. I don’t know, this just doesn’t seem right, and I wish there was a person in your lives who could have a sitdown with him about this. Maybe your priest? You are doing a phenomenal job with your children. I have seen your posts here looking for encouragement, advice and support in serving your family. I pray that your husband will mature a little bit and realize how his resentment is increasing your burden and how a husband and father is supposed to represent Christ to his family. That means emptying himself of his ego and his own desires, and serving his family…literally, laying down his life for his family. Only then will a wife be properly supported to fulfill her role splendidly. I will pray for you and your husband on this matter, if you would welcome that.
Sorry if that got too personal…your posts have touched my heart, so I wanted to offer my thoughts and prayers.

 

[tafan]

I’ve thought about your responses…thank you.

No I wouldn’t be resentful if I were blessed with another child…never would I feel that way about a baby. We would just have to re-arrange our lives a bit.

Right now, I definitely don’t want anymore children. Stratus hit the nail…I am not supported enough. I have no help from family and my husband doesn’t help a whole lot. He helps how he can, but if he helps me a lot for a couple of days, he begins to get grumpy and resentful and it’s too much for him. Then I have to deal with kids and a grumpy nagging husband too.

I guess I just don’t think I could handle another child in any near future. Maybe when my youngest is around 4 or 5, but then I would be 42, 43 years old and perhaps too old anyway.

I am just glad I was fertile after the age of 35!!! What a blessing it was!

Although I won’t answer your original question, not enough information and your two posts read with very different tones, I would say maybe you should post this on the thread about when to start having children. People often wait to have children for far too long in their lives because they want all the stars to be aligned just perfectly (I am not accusing you of this), but it is much more difficult to adjust to parenthood in middle age as opposed to in your early 20s. Young people are just more fleible in their lifestyles, have not become set in their ways, and have more energy.
From experience, I can say having mroe kids in middle age is great, but that is after having older kids at home and being well use to the parental “grind”. Starting to have kids in middle age, has always seemed much more difficult to me. Not that it is wrong, just much harder. Your post seems to confirm that.

PS. tell your husband to suck it up and get in the game. Sometimes (speaking from personal experience) us husbands need a good kick in the behind from our wifes.

 

[Serap]

Serap,
Please forgive me if I am sticking my nose way too far into your business with my response to this post…but I am worried about you with your husband behaving so childishly about helping you out with the children. Does he consciously make the connection between the physical intimacy that you share with him and the increase in family size and responsibilities? Is he a younger man? It just seems that there must be some kind of disconnect in his thinking between his enjoyment of his wife and his responsibilities to wife and family. Unfortunately, that seems to be a common disconnect shared by many young men in the U.S., but I have noticed far less of this problem in Catholic culture. His grumpiness also indicates that he feels it is not fair to have to help at home, and yet he expects you to run yourself ragged. I don’t know, this just doesn’t seem right, and I wish there was a person in your lives who could have a sitdown with him about this. Maybe your priest? You are doing a phenomenal job with your children. I have seen your posts here looking for encouragement, advice and support in serving your family. I pray that your husband will mature a little bit and realize how his resentment is increasing your burden and how a husband and father is supposed to represent Christ to his family. That means emptying himself of his ego and his own desires, and serving his family…literally, laying down his life for his family. Only then will a wife be properly supported to fulfill her role splendidly. I will pray for you and your husband on this matter, if you would welcome that.
Sorry if that got too personal…your posts have touched my heart, so I wanted to offer my thoughts and prayers.

In my husband’s defense, he grew up without a father figure. I wish he had one b/c I think that’s the problem. He needs a strong male figure in his life to sit him down and set him straight.

He thinks that if I am running myself ragged, then I am weak and should be able to handle motherhood. He really honestly just doesn’t understand. He doesn’t set out to be unfair and inflexible; he just ends up being that way.

He is not young either. He’s 41. He just lacks a strong male figure in his life. His father was a complete idiot and his father is no longer in my husband’s life; for the better. Considering how much of an idiot his father was, my husband is doing extremely well for himself and I’m proud of him. I just wish that he realized how much he lacks compassion towards people in general. My husband believes that feeling compassion is a sign of weakness. He has had a very difficult journey, but he still has a long way to go and I hope that I can get him there.

Another child I think would also tip our marriage into a “danger zone”. Our new baby put a huge strain on our marriage and I don’t know what 3 children would do.

 

[kristacecilia]

See what a few extra words add… more perspective! NO ONE knows the depth of your situation except the Almighty - no one!
Everyone can look at your original post and say “it’s a sin - she’s being selfish”… but what now? She’s struggling, unsupported, age is a potential issue… and that’s just what she wrote in less than 100 words! An entirely different perspective of a multi-dimensional issue.

Some people are VERY VERY BLESSED in ways that they’ll never fully understand in this life… and comparing their hearts and minds to your situation is not going to give full charity to your situation.

NFP requires prayer because you HAVE things in your life to PRAY ABOUT (ie, struggles, lack of support, etc)!

You’ll be in my prayers, Serap…

 

[ComputerGeek25]

I’ve thought about your responses…thank you.

No I wouldn’t be resentful if I were blessed with another child…never would I feel that way about a baby. We would just have to re-arrange our lives a bit.

Right now, I definitely don’t want anymore children. Stratus hit the nail…I am not supported enough. I have no help from family and my husband doesn’t help a whole lot. He helps how he can, but if he helps me a lot for a couple of days, he begins to get grumpy and resentful and it’s too much for him. Then I have to deal with kids and a grumpy nagging husband too.

I guess I just don’t think I could handle another child in any near future. Maybe when my youngest is around 4 or 5, but then I would be 42, 43 years old and perhaps too old anyway.

I am just glad I was fertile after the age of 35!!! What a blessing it was!

Well, this sounds like serious/just reason too me, to not (or at least postpone) having more children.

 

[mommamaree]

In my husband’s defense, he grew up without a father figure. I wish he had one b/c I think that’s the problem. He needs a strong male figure in his life to sit him down and set him straight.

He thinks that if I am running myself ragged, then I am weak and should be able to handle motherhood. He really honestly just doesn’t understand. He doesn’t set out to be unfair and inflexible; he just ends up being that way.

He is not young either. He’s 41. He just lacks a strong male figure in his life. His father was a complete idiot and his father is no longer in my husband’s life; for the better. Considering how much of an idiot his father was, my husband is doing extremely well for himself and I’m proud of him. I just wish that he realized how much he lacks compassion towards people in general. My husband believes that feeling compassion is a sign of weakness. He has had a very difficult journey, but he still has a long way to go and I hope that I can get him there.

Another child I think would also tip our marriage into a “danger zone”. Our new baby put a huge strain on our marriage and I don’t know what 3 children would do.

This all makes so much sense, Serap. Your husband is a lucky man to have a wife who understands him so well. You see good coming from a tragedy and you see the strength of your husband that compensates for his weaknesses. You are a good woman and a wonderful witness. God knew what He was doing giving your husband you!

 

[Serap]

This all makes so much sense, Serap. Your husband is a lucky man to have a wife who understands him so well. You see good coming from a tragedy and you see the strength of your husband that compensates for his weaknesses. You are a good woman and a wonderful witness. God knew what He was doing giving your husband you!

God Bless you! That was such a sweet thing to write! I do believe that God brought us together for a reason.

 

[Consecrated]

What an interesting, thoughtful and charitable thread!

I just want to echo for the OP what many others have mentioned:
1.) God gives us the grace right NOW to do what he has called us to right NOW, and we can trust that this will *prepare *us for our future… He does not give us the grace to handle now what we think *might *happen in the future.

2.) When thinking of adding to our family, we try to think in terms of eternal blessings rather than material ones. I think if we can accomplish this as much as humanly possible (with grace!), our attitude about giving up things,even good ones, (travel, specific schooling goals, nice homes, time to myself , etc) changes to reflect more of a trust in the Good Lord.

3.) Serap, you are indeed a wonderful mother, and I’m sure you are also a wonderful wife. Keep looking to God and the help of Mother Mary for your strength, and you will not falter. :yup:

i hope this makes sense.

 

[Em_in_FL]

In my husband’s defense, he grew up without a father figure. I wish he had one b/c I think that’s the problem. He needs a strong male figure in his life to sit him down and set him straight.

He thinks that if I am running myself ragged, then I am weak and should be able to handle motherhood. He really honestly just doesn’t understand. He doesn’t set out to be unfair and inflexible; he just ends up being that way.

He is not young either. He’s 41. He just lacks a strong male figure in his life. His father was a complete idiot and his father is no longer in my husband’s life; for the better. Considering how much of an idiot his father was, my husband is doing extremely well for himself and I’m proud of him. I just wish that he realized how much he lacks compassion towards people in general. My husband believes that feeling compassion is a sign of weakness. He has had a very difficult journey, but he still has a long way to go and I hope that I can get him there.

Another child I think would also tip our marriage into a “danger zone”. Our new baby put a huge strain on our marriage and I don’t know what 3 children would do.

See? Again - more and more depth to everyone’s personal situations.

Our lives here are NOT perfect - everyone has faults and failures and we have to work together to build each other UP rather than criticize and push each other apart. You sound like a very good and understanding wife… this is how marriages WORK with imperfect people - God bless you for carrying your cross in difficult times.

Prayers for you!

 

[Thomas63116]

I haven’t read each of the replies closely, but I just wanted to add a thought that occurs to me when I see these types of threads. . .

The question of how many children to have is essentially a question of vocation for the husband and wife to discern together (How many children is God calling us to have? Is God calling us to have another child at this time?)

One sign of a vocation is that the idea of it appeals to you strongly. So if the idea of having more children at this time is something that overwhelms and disturbs you, rather than bringing you peace, it is probably not what God is calling you to at the present time.

 

[tafan]

I haven’t read each of the replies closely, but I just wanted to add a thought that occurs to me when I see these types of threads. . .

The question of how many children to have is essentially a question of vocation for the husband and wife to discern together (How many children is God calling us to have? Is God calling us to have another child at this time?)

One sign of a vocation is that the idea of it appeals to you strongly. So if the idea of having more children at this time is something that overwhelms and disturbs you, rather than bringing you peace, it is probably not what God is calling you to at the present time.

Be careful, I believe this is only true with a good prayer life and a well formed conscience. Otherwise it leads to, “I want this, so God must be telling me its good”. The idea of taking off and sailing to the wild blue yonder appeals to me strongly. I doubt if I am being called to do that. n

 

[Rence]

In my husband’s defense, he grew up without a father figure. I wish he had one b/c I think that’s the problem. He needs a strong male figure in his life to sit him down and set him straight.

He thinks that if I am running myself ragged, then I am weak and should be able to handle motherhood. He really honestly just doesn’t understand. He doesn’t set out to be unfair and inflexible; he just ends up being that way.

He is not young either. He’s 41. He just lacks a strong male figure in his life. His father was a complete idiot and his father is no longer in my husband’s life; for the better. Considering how much of an idiot his father was, my husband is doing extremely well for himself and I’m proud of him. I just wish that he realized how much he lacks compassion towards people in general. My husband believes that feeling compassion is a sign of weakness. He has had a very difficult journey, but he still has a long way to go and I hope that I can get him there.

Another child I think would also tip our marriage into a “danger zone”. Our new baby put a huge strain on our marriage and I don’t know what 3 children would do.

This post and post#23, IMOHO, would be “serious” reasons for not wanting more children. And from your post, you say you’re still open to children, while at the same time knowing that a third one would tip you and your husband over the edge. IMOHO, you’re not sinning by postponing conception indefinitely, until you are not on tilt - at the very least.

You’re a loving wife and mother. I completely agree with what mammamaree said

 

[apricot_yogurt]

“One sign of a vocation is that the idea of it appeals to you strongly. So if the idea of having more children at this time is something that overwhelms and disturbs you, rather than bringing you peace, it is probably not what God is calling you to at the present time.”
I strongly disagree with this. Very often God has called me to do something I don’t want to do. I don’t know what is best for me, but God does.And courage surely, is not the absense of fear, but the ability to go ahead, despite the fear. (This is not directed at the OP,it just bugged me)

 

[mysticalrdesign]

Serap,

I can totally identify with your marriage problems. My DH had a bad example growing up and we just recently found a counselor who really helped address the childhood “programs” that were hardwired into his brain. We uncovered that his Dad had (unknowingly) programmed him to believe things like, “Parenting shouldn’t be this hard!”, “Women are to be controlled”, and “We parent seperately.” He also believed that being compassionate was a form of weakness. Fighting these programs without realizing they are there is a losing battle.

You can contact our conselor at this link: fulfilledcouple.com/about_us.html

He is not Catholic, but is a Bible believing Christian and will support your Catholic faith. He counsels by phone.

Having these kinds of parenting issues can be a reason to delay pregnancy, until the division of labor in the home is worked out. Marriage and parenting is our path to holiness, and reveals our sin areas. We then have two choices: overcome our selfishness with virtue, or not.

I agree that raising little ones is a “young woman’s game” and it’s going to be harder to start late. As I grew older and had less energy, the older kids really helped out. Also, when we’ve had many years only looking after ourselves, it’s a very difficult transition to have to look after someone else 24/7. Like I said earlier, parenting turns us inside out. That’s partly why I wanted to have more kids–they will have an easier transition to parenthood than I did, because they are more used to looking after and considering other people than I was.

My husband was practically an only child, and I was spoiled, and I remember our early vacations with our kids. I was angry all the time about the mess, interruptions and work of motherhood (as was my husband). After going to some homeschooling meetings where I saw how large families work, and growing in my faith and understanding of what virtue is, I started to “give in” to this new way of life.

An often quoted homeschool saying is that, “The baby is the lesson”, meaning that even if school is postponed a while, the lesson of generosity in welcoming a new life is the more important lesson. This may be a part of the lesson your husband is learning.

May God bless you both!

In Christ,
Lucy
www.mysticalrosedesign.blogspot.com

P.S. It’s very sad that Parochial schools are encouraging smaller families these days. In the old days you would only pay for the first one and the rest were free.

 

[uncle_joe]

I’m sorry that your husband seems less supportive or involved than you would like him to be. I don’t understand why a man would seem to limit how involved he will be with his own children and his wife. I realize you are not frankly complaining about your husband, but if you did, I think that might be reasonable. Out of your love for your husband, I think it might good if you could get him interested in changing in some ways. I suspect that he is at risk of being very disappointed when he is old, disappointed that he is less close to his grown children, and maybe even you, than he wishes he was.

As I said, I am a mere uncle, but it seems obvious to me that direct involvement with kids, and lots of it, is how to build and keep a good relationship with them. It’s a no-brainer that the same is true for spouses. Taking care of children and spouses is the substance of family life in my opinion.

I won’t try to psychoanalyze your husband, but something you said seems extra important to me. You described him as viewing compassion as a sign of weakness. In a way that is very true. It shows that you know life can be very difficult and sometimes a bit overwhelming in some ways. The only way to know that is to have experienced feeling overwhelmed oneself. I think compassion comes in part from personal suffering and failure.

Compassionate people have suffered, failed to achieve some things, and felt personally weak and in need of help. That’s how they know others might need help. Because that is how people learn to be compassionate, I think most people know - at least subconsciously, that if they exhibit compassion they are telling others that they understand what it is like to be in need of help. Maybe your husband is afraid to suggest to you or anyone else that he knows what it is like to need any sort of help, to be a suitable focus of another person’s compassion. Maybe everything associated with compassion, even displaying it, really does make him feel like a weakling.

Your husband might limit his involvement with you and the kids because he doesn’t want to look incompetent. When he “helps out”, it might be important for you to accept his help in whatever way he gives it. I think it can be very discouraging to some men to be told they are vacuuming the floor wrong, folding the socks wrong, putting the dishes in the drain rack the wrong direction, and using the wrong brush to scrub the sink.

I don’t know if you do those things, but if you do, I suspect your husband just wants to stop doing anything about which you tell him he is wrong in his methods. A clean baby is just as clean if he gets his bath entirely with baby shampoo and no special bar of soap or anything else. Towels folded in quarters are in the closet just as well as if they’re folded in thirds. I have no idea if you criticize your husband about such things, but if you do so, I think it would make him want to avoid “helping out.”

I will remember you, your husband and your kids in my prayers.

Peace to you all.