Is sex overrated?

[Xantippe]

Another thing–normal people who have happy, functional marriages don’t go around bragging about their marital sex lives–especially not to single guys.

It’s tacky and rude.

 

[AdamP88]

As a virgin I can’t help but wonder, is sex overrated?

It’s not.

People keep talking about how great it is

What people?

but it gives some virgins major FOMO.

That’s life.

Or would you say it is more DIFFERENT than society tells you it is

I dunno. It is pretty good. But it’s funny actually…once you get married it becomes a normal part of life and you don’t really think about it. It doesn’t leave your mind completely but it takes it’s place among the many other good things in life.

I think the question you’re asking is not the right one. Sex is not overrated. The wrong kind of sex is just promoted by the media and a certain agenda and way of viewing sex is pushed.

A better question might be: Is society over-saturated with sexual imagery and language? or Is sex under-respected by society?

 

[AdamP88]

The Catholic Church certainly overrates sex to the point where they are obsessed by it. CAF is a perfect example of this, where the Sex Police are out in force making sure that everybody is following their rules.

The Church simply teaches the truth about sexuality. Which is a beautiful thing when you understand it.
Nobody is forced to follow Church teaching.

It’s a pretty important part of life and one that every human person needs to deal with in some way, shape, or form.

There are relatively few rules for Catholics when it comes to sex. It’s secular society that would have you believe the Church is sex-obsessed.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Another thing–normal people who have happy, functional marriages don’t go around bragging about their marital sex lives–especially not to single guys.

It’s tacky and rude.

Friends who talk to me about their married life don’t go into detail about the private bits. But I can read a lot from their tone and the body language of the couple toward each other. Simply look at whether she treats him with respect or she has contempt for him or she shows indifference. There is a lot to see there if one knows what to look for.

 

[Paul71]

I can’t help but wonder, is sex overrated?

I would say that pre-marital sex, extra-marital sex, hooking up, and one-night stands are all overrated. How can you hold back your fertility, your life-long commitment, or even enough commitment to ever see the person again, and expect lovemaking to be fulfilling?

What is not overrated is the joy of making love to the same person hundreds or thousands of times over many years of marriage, and finding out that it continues to be just as wonderful, and in some ways even more wonderful, as time goes on. What is not overrated is the joy of continuing to discover new ways to become closer to each other through lovemaking, with your spouse who you have been with for many years, and who you already feel closer to than you ever thought possible. What is not overrated is loving your spouse so much that your love conceives a brand-new human life. Those things are in fact quite underrated, in my view.

 

[ATraveller]

Some people side with the godless over the God who sent His only Son into the world to die for their sins.
The former believe informing Christians what the godless do is contrary to God’s purposes and designs is wrong. It makes you wonder who they serve, Satan or God?

 

[Xantippe]

Friends who talk to me about their married life don’t go into detail about the private bits. But I can read a lot from their tone and the body language of the couple toward each other. Simply look at whether she treats him with respect or she has contempt for him or she shows indifference. There is a lot to see there if one knows what to look for.

So you’re judging what their sex lives are like based on their public behavior. That’s not a ridiculous idea (although it would squick me out if I thought my friends were doing that to me!), but it doesn’t help much with judging cause and effect.

Also, come to think of it, some people (and I believe this is true of both sexes) are capable of putting on a huge dog and pony show in public that does not reflect their private lives at all–social media makes this easy. While it’s true that negative, disrespectful behavior suggests that the marital sex life is probably terrible, positive behavior in public is often deceptive. You know the sort of thing–How can Jim and Suzie be getting a divorce! Everybody thought they were the perfect couple! In at least some US subcultures (and I grew up in one of them), public good behavior would be literally the last thing to go.

It’s a truism (but still true!) that you can’t really know what’s going on in a marriage unless you’re in it (and I’d add, maybe not even in that case).

Another thing–there’s a grand old tradition of women faking enthusiasm to spare men’s feelings.

 

[QwertyGirl]

Sex without commitment can be really good, I have to be honest. But sex with a partner in a committed relationship brings a dimension of emotional comfort to the act that you don’t necessarily find anyplace else. I would say it isn’t over-rated in either situation. Just different.

 

[Xantippe]

I can think of at least three couples in our circle who were “the perfect couple” in their respective peer groups right up until they got divorced.

There was a warning sign in the family that I knew better–their oldest kid always seemed really ticked off.

Zzyzx Road thinks that he can read a lot into “tone and the body language of the couple toward each other” and “whether she treats him with respect or she has contempt for him or she shows indifference,” but I have some bad news. Namely, that in a lot of middle class conservative religious US culture, women learn to put on the performance of public respect and esteem, no matter what things are like at home. That’s certainly what I grew up seeing as a kid and what I learned from my parents’ example–fight at home, smile in public. Not that my parents fought non-stop at home or didn’t love each other, but that behavior in public and in private was pretty distinct. When I was a young adult, I always assumed that everybody else did the exact same thing and I didn’t see anything wrong with it.

 

[AdamP88]

I would say it isn’t over-rated in either situation. Just different.

To be honest I’d say sex without commitment is overrated and over valued by society, and sex within marriage is under-rated and seen as stale or unexciting. The truth is, it’s anything but. Society tells us that sex with lots of different partners is exciting and fun, but tying yourself to one person is BOO…RING!

It’s the other way around in reality. We are designed to be intimate with one person for life, and let me tell you from experience, that’s where all the excitement is at. We are not designed to treat sex as casual or just another pleasurable activity.

 

[AdamP88]

Yeah, that can be the case alright. Though I remember being told in marriage prep that the sexual element of marriage should be a reflection and extension of the broader marriage relationship. So in that sense I do think there is a correlation between sex and how the spouses treat each other.

 

[BlueEyedLadies]

IMO, your parents are spot-on. That’s how I was raised, and although I’m far from a conservative, Evangelical Protestant, that’s how my husband and I live. Fwiw, his family is Catholic and they’re the same. Hubby and I can be ready to light one another on fire, but if someone else walks into the room it’s hugs and smiles. We’re better for it too; it keeps people out of our personal lives, protects our reputations, and forces us to let things go long enough to get through a social interaction. ‘Fake it til you make it’ is a real thing, and addressing the issue with cooler heads once you like each other again is wise.

Please don’t tell me you advocate arguing in public or taking your fights to friends or relatives. Fights end, and usually, even extended rough patches do too. But, witnesses and confidants never, ever forget. As much as it might creep you out to think of people wondering about your sex life, rest assured they’re speculating about a whole lot more than that if you aren’t putting on a positive public image. I’m just going to be honest, when I hear couples argue or complain about each other, I’m embarrassed for them and I do assume that if they’re willing to do that in public, things most be reeeeally bad in private.

Besides, it’s fun to be the couple that no one thinks ever fights. In a way, it gives you a way to always be on the same team even when you’re angry or hurt. We know no matter what we always have each other’s backs and will protect one another from harsh judgement. It’s nice.

 

[Xantippe]

Please don’t tell me you advocate arguing in public or taking your fights to friends or relatives.

No, just that I don’t necessarily believe that couples that are always sugar-and-spice in public or on Facebook have awesome marriages.

Also, I think it can be a very bad example to the kids, because even if the world at large doesn’t know what mom and dad are like at home, the kids now.

 

[BlueEyedLadies]

It’s a great example to the kids. It shows that no matter what issues you have at home, you set them aside to be a family unit and support each other to the rest of the world.

My parents had a very loud, angry, destructive marriage. I’m so glad no one else ever saw it; in a small town, stuff like that gets around and I would have been mortified.

 

[joyful]

this is beautiful!..argh now you made me wanna get married aha

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

I grant you your point, X. From a distance, if one just knows them socially and is not that close to them, then you are right, one often can’t tell what’s going on with most couples.

But if one spends enough time with a friend who was a coworker (the husband, in my case) and socially with the couple to the point of showing up at their house for a party or to watch a game once in awhile, it’s harder for a couple to hide every last bit of discord for every last second of every last interaction over the hours I’m in their house even when there are other guests there. Most of the time, the discord is just the typical married couple stuff, but a couple of times I saw contempt and then I’d find out a few years later that couple was separated. John Gottman’s writings are very illuminating in this respect, they really say a lot about what to look for and how quickly these signs of contempt can come and go, to the point where anyone not observant enough can miss them.

 

[Xantippe]

John Gottman’s writings are very illuminating in this respect, they really say a lot about what to look for and how quickly these signs of contempt can come and go, to the point where anyone not observant enough can miss them.

John Gottman would see disrespect/contempt toward the wife as being a big deal, too.

 

[joyful]

hey y’all I hate to be the grinch here but this is kinda off topic, this post isnt about married couples not getting along

 

[pensmama87]

It’s a great example to the kids. It shows that no matter what issues you have at home, you set them aside to be a family unit and support each other to the rest of the world.

I think this is good if it’s what you’re actually doing (and I’d even be explicit about this with my kids). But I think there’s a really big distinction between keeping private matters private, and giving yourself license to behave shamefully in private and punishing snitches.

 

[Xantippe]

hey y’all I hate to be the grinch here but this is kinda off topic, this post isnt about married couples not getting along

Haven’t you got a sufficient batch of answers to your original question?