Is she too young for me?

[InigoMontoya]

She’s too young… period, IMO.

 

[Miss_Felicity]

IMO, its not the age difference its how old she is. The man I plan to marry and I have a significant age difference but that looks different when both parties are out of school, have traveled, lived on their own etc. Whether she likes you is somewhat irrelevant. I have always preferred older men but I am appreciative of the ones who said thanks but no thanks in my late teens and very early twenties so now I have certain life experiences that would have been stifled had I married and become a mother at that point. YMMV

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I came across as very mature at 17. I lived independently at that point in my life (graduated high school early.) Almost ten years later I look back at myself and laugh at how “grown up” I thought I was (though maybe I’ll do the same in my thirties about my twenties.)

Even the most mature teenager is still a lot less mature than he or she will be in a few years.

You’re only in your 20s??? I’m shocked! You seem so much older and more mature than that in your posts. I guess I should have considered that the 87 could be your year of birth, but still. I’m also in my 20’s, and you’re way beyond me from what I can tell.

Regarding the OP-if a 28 year old man asked my CHILD out, and yes, a 17 year old of any gender is still a child in our society, he would be hit with a no-contact order. If any 28 year old had any sexual contact with my child, I would not hesitate for a second to press charges.

 

[Virga]

There is nothing dishonorable about that as long as everythings on the up and up, parents now and approve, and there is no sexual contact, which there shouldn’t be anyway.

I have noticed quite a few people mentioning waiting until the young lady is in or has finished college. We seem to forget that not all young women desire a college education. Some are happy with a certificate from a trade school. Others have no desire for any education beyond High School or to have a career outside of the home. It’s entirely possible this young lady wants nothing more than to be a wife and mother.

It depends.

Young adults in their teens and early 20’s are still still maturing, but why would that mean that all young people will be less capable of handling themselves in a relationship with someone older than they would be with someone their own age? Regardless of age, there will always be men who take advantage of women and vice versa. Young men take advantage of women, too, but not all do. Younger women also manipulate men, but not all do. Some older men take advantage of others, but no all do.

It is unfair to both parties, older and younger, male and female, to assume that the man wants a naive and young person to manipulate. Not only do we assume that the man must be immature and that he has bad intentions, but that the young woman is incapable of making any rational decisions. Not to say that there aren’t cases such as these, but leaving no middle ground perpetuates stereotypes.

Overall, OP has to think about this responsibly. Look through what everyone has listed as potential issues. They are valid concerns. Because of your current ages, there are more issues for you to think about when deciding to pursue this relationship; however, I don’t believe that those reasons = a definite reason to not consider a relationship with her.

Since she is underage, it is important to have parental approval, for everyone’s sake. The last thing you want is to have her parents freak out about it, and for her to feel pressure on both sides. That or wait. There is always this option, too.

Approach a relationship with humility, prudence, charity, and chastity. It is because people get so regularly emotionally embroidered by way of pre–marital sex and misguided views of dating that many people expect it to happen. Being in a relationship before marriage provides a time to discern whether the relationship is good for both parties in the long run. By nature of those virtues I mentioned, if you truly live them out, you would not be wrong to approach her, assuming you are able to discern that she too is capable of living these virtues out in a relationship.

Yes it is generally looked down upon in our society, but I don’t think that makes it objectively wrong. So another issue for you to consider in this potential relationship is that there will definitely be some people who will never accept you. Will you be okay with that? Will she? If you do start a relationship, be sure to discuss these concerns with her as well.

Either way, get to know her better first, and pray for God’s help in discerning what is best for you and her.

 

[pensmama87]

You’re only in your 20s??? I’m shocked! You seem so much older and more mature than that in your posts. I guess I should have considered that the 87 could be your year of birth, but still. I’m also in my 20’s, and you’re way beyond me from what I can tell.

Growing up, my mom once told me that I was a 30-year-old trapped in a 12-year old body.

(And yes, I was born in 1987. )

But thank you - I will take this as a compliment, and hope that I don’t look as old as I sound!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Growing up, my mom once told me that I was a 30-year-old trapped in a 12-year old body.

(And yes, I was born in 1987. )

But thank you - I will take this as a compliment, and hope that I don’t look as old as I sound!

It was very much a compliment. When I see your posts about parenting and such I always think “Good for her, I hope that I’ve got everything like that down by the time I’m her age!” Now I find out that I am your age and I have to change it to “I hope I’ve got everything like that down by the time I’m a mom!”

I’m sure you don’t look 40, and even if you did, who’s to say that you wouldn’t look like a really, really attractive 40 year old?

 

[pensmama87]

It was very much a compliment. When I see your posts about parenting and such I always think “Good for her, I hope that I’ve got everything like that down by the time I’m her age!” Now I find out that I am your age and I have to change it to “I hope I’ve got everything like that down by the time I’m a mom!”

I’m sure you don’t look 40, and even if you did, who’s to say that you wouldn’t look like a really, really attractive 40 year old?

Well, thank you.

I think some of it is that I was an oldest child both in my immediate family and then among all of my cousins except one, so I got a lot of experience with kids and with seeing parenting in action. I always knew I wanted to get married and have kids, so it was something I paid attention to. But also - most of it just comes with the having the kids and doing it. I have two now, and most of my friends my age are still not married. Most of my “mom friends” are in their early-mid 30s, and our kids are around the same ages.

If I was a mom at 17, though, those poor kids! I was definitely not ready! I did have a steady boyfriend at that age and we were seriously considering getting married one day, but after we did a bit more growing up we realized we weren’t going to be compatible as adults. Now, he was only a year older, but thank goodness his mom was as interfering as she was because we may have ended up married (and I think that’s the only time I’ve ever been grateful for that. )

 

[yellowbird]

IMO, its not the age difference its how old she is. The man I plan to marry and I have a significant age difference but that looks different when both parties are out of school, have traveled, lived on their own etc. Whether she likes you is somewhat irrelevant. I have always preferred older men but I am appreciative of the ones who said thanks but no thanks in my late teens and very early twenties so now I have certain life experiences that would have been stifled had I married and become a mother at that point. YMMV

This

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Poll just asked about dating. If just dating that’s not too young to date someone his age. In many states, age of consent to marry is 16 for women. In the old, old days, it was not uncommon in many societies for men to be that much older than the young women who married them because men had to find their way in the world and get themselves established economically before they could take on wives and families. Her father was her gatekeeper and that was the question he put to her suitors: what do you do for a living? can you provide for my daughter? We’ve gone away from that in the past century or so.

All that said, it depends on the maturity of both parties. I’ve met 17 year old girls who were very mature beyond their years, really had their heads on straight, and I’ve met 37 year old women who had the emotional maturity of the normal 17 year old girl… have to look at the people involved.

 

[gardenswithkids]

17 and 28–yes, in my perspective is too big of an age difference right now. If you are both still single in ten year, 27 and 38 would be okay.

 

[CathLifeHacker]

#1- If I were you I wouldn’t date anyone under 18 years old. You open yourself up to accusations. Yes, these can happen even if they are “Traditional Catholic” and “Homeschooled”

#2- Our culture keeps young adults as “kids” a lot longer than it used to. Example: My grandfather was married at 19 and had kids soon after. Nowadays even 30 year olds are playing video games. I couldn’t see my grandfather playing video games.

#3- Get yourself a subscription to Catholic Match or Ave Maria Singles and start asking Catholic women your age on coffee dates. There are a lot of fish in the sea.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

OP you already know at least one adult woman who you like. Treat the girl as a girl and the woman as a potential mate.

 

[Wa_Michael]

True love waits.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

I can’t say never, simply because we never know all the details, including cultural norms and other circumstances regarding the posters.

That said, the difference between a 17-year-old and 28-year-old is huge in western cultures. There is generally a huge difference in maturity, life experience (having a job, financially responsibility, etc.) between the two. A 17-year-old is likely not the person he/she will be as an adult, whereas the 28-year-old is more representative of the person he/she will be. A 17-year-old is basically a child.

I see this firsthand…some of my neighbor’s children are in the 17-20 year age range. I could never imagine dating one of them. Some are excellent students are responsible relative to other people their age, yet they are very immature and do some really dumb things.

Lastly, a person that is 28 considering dating a 17 year old should reflect upon their own situation. Once again, I don’t know the OP’s situation, but immaturity comes to mind simply due to knowing where I was when I was 17 and 28, and observing people in that age bracket dating others with large age differences.

 

[GusIsAGirl]

:nope::nope::nope::nope::nope:

Back when I was on sites like Catholic Match, I notice a large number of men wanting women quite a bit younger than them. I don’t know why… Prove they’ve still got it? Have more children? Younger women have less wrinkles? A match in maturity level?

 

[AllSeasons]

:nope::nope::nope::nope::nope:

Back when I was on sites like Catholic Match, I notice a large number of men wanting women quite a bit younger than them. I don’t know why… Prove they’ve still got it? Have more children? Younger women have less wrinkles? A match in maturity level?

As far as I know, women are usually very creeped out when a guy twice her age and/or old enough to be her father sends her a message. And I agree that it’s very creepy.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

I am in a bit of an interesting quandary. I recently had the father of a rather attractive and intelligent homeschooled young woman quiz me about my career plans.

How do you know him? He may just be interested in encouraging young men in their careers in general. Especially if he is involved in youth ministry or something similar.

Unless I am a completely insensitive clod this woman has at least a few feelings for me. She did get me a Christmas present after all.

Or she could just be polite and she gave homemade fudge to slews of people as Christmas gifts.

The only problem here is that I just turned 28 years old and she is 17.I really don’t want to be known as the guy who creeped on the 17 year old.

I think most of the pp have covered this. The age difference may not seem that big in 10 or 20 years, but right now it is huge, potentially illegal,and definately creepy.

Call it fear of human respect but I can’t imagine the young adults group I’m part of reacting well to me pursuing this young woman. In addition I don’t want to get ostracized by the older adults. There is a really wonderful and beautiful woman just my age (28-29) who is a home owner and has a good blue collar job whom I’ve been slowly getting to know better at YA meetings and parties. Chances are she would just friendzone me if I asked her out but she is certainly the more socially acceptable choice.

Go with your gut instinct. Act your age and spend more time with the actual adults in the young adults group. If her parents or older brothers/sisters are involved in YA, than it makes sense that the 17yo may spend time with the group, and if an early twenties man was interested in her, that would be more reasonable. As it is you should continue to get to know the women your age and take your chances with the specific woman you described. She may be waiting for you to take the first step. Try suggesting coffee before or after another YA event.

 

[GusIsAGirl]

As far as I know, women are usually very creeped out when a guy twice her age and/or old enough to be her father sends her a message. And I agree that it’s very creepy.

I actually had one man get angry that I thought a 20 year age difference was too much!

 

[WildCatholic]

I’ve been lurking on this thread and from what I’ve gathered, yes the OP is too old for a 17 year old. I don’t care if she’s mature, she’s not even really a woman yet, at least mentally. I feel for you because I have a crush on someone who’s 17 (i’m 24), but in all honesty I know that it would never work and that she just doesn’t have the experience I do. This girl you are into is still a child basically, even if she might not act like it.

Also, you have a woman around your age who is a prospect, please go after her. I don’t know why the OP hasn’t but if she’s involved in youth ministry, she must be pretty awesome. I hope that you will pursue her and leave a 17 year old behind. Also I know this might be just preference, but even at 24 I wouldn’t’ date an 18 year old. My rule is that if they can’t drink legally they can’t date me, which will probably be my rule until I hit about 30 if i’m still single by then

 

[Saber_Mom]

Darn it all, I read the original post wrong. I answered “no” but I should have answered “YES.” So take away a “no” and add a “yes.” (I need to slow down and s.l.o.w.l.y. read a poll before answering it!)