Is the Church right in promoting marriage and demonizing cohabitation?

[PennyinCanada]

Because staying together in a hostile, loveless relationship can be much worse than a quick, civilized cessation of deteriorating relationship.

See, the hostile, loveless relationship is unacceptable to me too. Right from the beginning, we both would work on anger, resentment, bitterness and unforgiveness, the ‘4 poisons of marriage’, I like to call them. Helping each other grow in holiness, seeking forgiveness, repenting in confession with the will to do better, receiving the Eucharist, are all God’s remedies to these common and frequent problems. Nothing new under the sun here.

It’s my 22nd wedding anniversary today and as the ‘old folks’ say in our parish, *You’re still babies. We’ve past 60 years. *

 

[PennyinCanada]

Instead of thinking marriage was bad, I decided that I was not going to mess up picking a potential husband. I looked at the things that went wrong in my mother’s two marriages, and sought to make sure I at least did not make those mistakes (I figure I’ll make enough of my own no need repeating the mistakes I’ve observed in others.)

I congratulate you. The parables of Jesus are for teaching, this and that happens, go and do likewise. The new testament are full of them and being exposed to these examples shows us to look at other peoples’ choices, and decide if we want to ‘go and do likewise’. A thoughtful and observant person can look at the examples surrounding them, and make better choices, learning from the mistakes of others, and navigating a minefield successfully, especially applying the wisdom of God. Two thumbs up to you.

 

[psymajor]

To address a point you raise, I would suggest now that many societies legally recognise cohabitation to the same extend as marriage, so the legal process is just as expensive to go through, and just as painful. Where it is not recognised to the same extend, one party is prone to being left destitute by their parnter leaving with all the money, and they have no legal recourse to their just share. From this perspective, marriage provides far greater protection than cohabitation.
Once again, I am very sorry for you experiences of marriage up to now. I can only counter by saying that I thank God every day for my marriage! And that of my parents, which provided a loving and stable home for my siblings and me.

In most of the USA (where I live) common-law marriage is not recognized by the government. This means that without marriage, it’s as if your relationship never existed in the eyes of the government. That flexibility is the beauty of cohabitation. Cohabitation thrives on giving people power over their own lives (and making sure that other people and the government have minimal power over your life). After I saw what happened with my dad, I really considered the idea of rejecting marriage to avoid his mistake. You can be a perfect spouse, but if the other spouse decides they aren’t happy, they can take half of your stuff (even if they never worked for it), make you pay spousal support, etc. I have already had a hard life as is. I want the comfort of knowing that the money I make belongs to me and that I won’t be raped by some Marxist judge in divorce court.

Suppose your parents were never married, but still had the big blow up and split. How would that be any better?

It would have been better because there would have been no costly legal battle. If the $80,000 in attorney fees had been saved, I could easily have a brand new car or use it to avoid some student loans.

You have said how awful it is that your parents are divorcing, and you are right. Why didn’t you conclude that people shouldn’t *divorce *then, since *divorce *is so awful? Instead you suggested that people shouldn’t *marry. *

Don’t use your parents’ divorce as an excuse to live with someone without marriage. Use their divorce as a motivator to be a faithful and loving spouse, for each others benefit and for your kids and grandkids.

I wish it was that simple. After my brother was diagnosed as severely autistic, it really became an inferno. It was horrible and I could not wait for it to end. When they did separate, it was a relief because then the constant arguing ended. However, marriage (which is a legal contract) basically enabled greedy lawyers to exploit the situation for their own profit. When I saw what happened, I said to myself that is never going to happen to me.

If you live your life without ever taking risks or trusting, this is a life lived in fear.

It is very, very hard to find true joy when one holds on to that fear.

When a person can bear this kind of suffering like that which your parents went through and simply offer it as a gift instead of fighting against it for the desires of their own self, it brings a joy far greater than the security that you are seeking. This security doesn’t exist anyway. Bad things will happen whether you try to protect yourself or not. **It is hard to understand this gift of self until you do it. You have to go on faith, then you see the results.

Try it next time someone wrongs you. You will see.**

I’m still looking at the aftermath of what happened to my parents. Before those things happened, I was very hardcore about being Catholic. I was much more into it than anyone else in my Catholic Sunday school classes. Even though I was much less fortunate than my other class mates, I relied on God to make things right. After everything that happened to me, I’m just really disillusioned with Catholicism in general. Instead of making my life better, I had to endure so much misery that other people I knew did not have to deal with at all. There are some Catholics I know (why are my age) who would think that the Act of Contrition is a law passed by Congress, not a prayer of reconciliation. Yet these people lived rather care-free lives.

Having lived through divorce as a child I was also determined not to do that to my kids, so I went into my marriage with the implicit understanding that I was only doing this once, my husband and I approach our marriage with that attitude. This is for real, it is permenant, and if something in it breaks we are committed to fixing it not throwing it out.

To that end we do not seperate finances, or possessions. He may earn the money (I’m a SAHM) but it is OUR FAMILY’s money. I may raise the kids, but they are OUR KIDS. I think a lot of the success of a marriage comes from the mindset going into it. If you go into it already preparing for the end…you are setting yourself up for failure.

So does getting car insurance or putting on a seatbelt qualify as setting yourself up for an accident? Using your plane of logic, it would be. The reason why people get car insurance and wear seatbelts is that they realize there are many factors that are outside of their control. Likewise, cohabitation is also an acknowledgment that many factors are outside of a person’s control in a relationship. For example, you could be perfectly fine. But if the person you marry turns out to be a psycho gold-digger, then you are basically screwed. The bottom line is that not everyone is willing to take a risk of that magnitude, especially when there is a 50% divorce rate and an alternative (cohabitation) with fewer legal risks.

 

[josephback]

based on my personal experience yes. Cohabitation has no real committment behind it and is easily broken. It’s a bad thing.

 

[josephback]

After everything that happened to me, I’m just really disillusioned with Catholicism in general. Instead of making my life better, I had to endure so much misery that other people I knew did not have to deal with at all.

I know what you’re saying about misery But in the end it’s gonna be worth it Narrow is the way and DIFFICULT is the path that leads to life. It’s not gonna be easy.

 

[chain]

Marriage provides a sacrament to strengthen the couples faith. It provides a vocation. It provides a environment for the sacramental union of the husband and wife, through which God can allow them to participate in the co-creation of new life. It provides the stable environment that is most conducive for the development of that new life.

Co-habitation like serial dating teach us when the going get’s tough, time to look for a more fun path.

 

[Gertabelle]

Didn’t have time to see if anyone else has posted this.

Here’s a difference between marriage and cohabitation:

Cohabitation Ceremony

Gertie

 

[edwest2]

In the 1960s, there was dating, courtship, engagement, and then marriage. No sex.
The father sat the man down and asked all the practical questions. Cohabitation was viewed as a scandal. In some cases, you could have a “common law” wife. But small groups of radicals yelling “freedom” encouraged others to give cohabitation a try, and the media gradually added cohabitation to movies and TV shows.

Especially today, commitments are needed. People make commitments to their job, their credit card company and to the person or dealership they bought their car from.

The message being sold by some was: Let’s make it easy.

Cohabitation? As a Hippie friend of mine told me at the time: “I don’t need no piece of paper to live with my old lady.”

Abortion? The man suddenly disappears, freed from his responsibilities as the father. Only the woman gets the right to choose.

Divorce? How about No-Fault Divorce? I remember seeing the classifieds in the newspaper in the 1980s: “No kids? $75 and you’re out. Call 800-DIVORCE.”

Pornography. I’m driving along in the 1970s and I spot an Adult Bookstore. My first thought: Who legalized this?

The cry was Freedom! Followed by: Easy! Pregnancy a problem? Get rid of it. Spouse a problem? Get rid of him. Cohabitation? Sure, why not? Everybody’s doing it.

Birth control and cohabitation will not solve the problem. I’ve met a few people who really didn’t get to know the person they were about to marry. In one case, I met a young lady whose marriage lasted 9 months. Somehow, after the ceremony, she found out her husband was a nut. And prior to this?

Families are the building blocks of all societies, and all religions. Like building a house, knowledge and careful planning, along with fully understanding the fundamental purpose of marriage, will lead to a strong community and a positive environment for raising children.

Finally, there are no guarantees in life. For Catholics, with patience, wisdom and most importantly, faith in God, we can meet life’s challenges.

Peace,
Ed

 

[Elizabeth502]

Cohabitation is demeaning to the man and woman; not only is the pre-marital sex unhealthy and offensive to God but the notion of a “trial marriage” is absurd….

[bolding and color mine]

Precisely. By definition, marriage is a long arc. Data on a short term is junk data as a supposed measure of the strength of the relationship and its longevity.

 

[PennyinCanada]

So does getting car insurance or putting on a seatbelt qualify as setting yourself up for an accident? Using your plane of logic, it would be. The reason why people get car insurance and wear seatbelts is that they realize there are many factors that are outside of their control. Likewise, cohabitation is also an acknowledgment that many factors are outside of a person’s control in a relationship.

I think getting car insurance and putting on a seatbelt fits our model better actually. For your argument, you would never get in the car. Car insurance and seatbelts are following God’s design on marriage and family life, and making frequent use of the sacraments. Well, ok, you’d get in the car and drive, but didn’t see a need for car insurance and seatbelts. (That’s what sex without marriage is really)

You know, Fireproof your Marriage came to mind. Didn’t see the movie or read the book, but anyone want to comment on that? Ooops, not going to hijack your thread, but it may be an interesting resource for myself and others to look into.

christianbook.com/fireproof?kw=fireproof%20your%20marriage&event=PPCSRC&p=1018818&cm_mmc=Google--Bible%20Study--fireproof-_-fireproof%20your%20marriage&gclid=CI6QhJzr5agCFcK8KgodFVbNFQ

In the end, you’ll do what you want. The Church will continue to uphold the sanctity of marriage and combat the outbreak of teen pregnancy, abortion, rampant STD’s, multiple children with multiple partners, and women and children living in poverty because of abandonment by men. Sounds like a car wreck to me. (going back to your car insurance example) Every one of those are the result of being ‘inside their control’. Hate to see what would happen when you add ‘outside of their control’ to that disaster. Suicide, overeating, anxieties of all sorts, addictions, to help cope. But those things hardly ever show up in this society, huh?

Really, I wish you to fall in love with God all over again and follow His design for your life, so you might be happy in this life and be with Him for eternity in the next. It’s your turn on this planet. Chose well. The grace I wish for myself too! Our Lady of Fatima, pray for us! God bless.

 

[scrappydeb]

In most of the USA (where I live) common-law marriage is not recognized by the government. This means that without marriage, it’s as if your relationship never existed in the eyes of the government. That flexibility is the beauty of cohabitation. Cohabitation thrives on giving people power over their own lives (and making sure that other people and the government have minimal power over your life).

Wellllll… not exactly. Even without a legal marriage, couples who entangle their assets and finances can create legally binding contracts that the courts may get involved in. E.g., if you purchase a house together but aren’t married, and then split up, the courts would not reject a civil lawsuit based on contractual claims to jointly owned property, just because there was never a legal marriage. It would just be a contract case in civil court, rather than a divorce case in family court. Can still be a mess though - perhaps even more so.

 

[nickybr38]

The reason marriages aren’t working anymore is because people are too selfish to make marriages work (most cultures promote selfishness these days - although many don’t and I’d wagar their marriage statistics are probably much better). So because something good is being misused the Church should change it’s position and move to suit the society of the day?

The Church didn’t stop promoting marriage during the fall of Rome and certainly won’t do so now. The Church teaches Truth and the Church will always teach Truth, whether society is too messed up to listen or not.

To answer your question: The Church is right to promote marriage and to demonize cohabitation.

 

[Alix1912]

Didn’t have time to see if anyone else has posted this.

Here’s a difference between marriage and cohabitation:

Cohabitation Ceremony

Gertie

That was awesome. It really shows the difference between cohabitation and marriage. Cohabitation is all about satifying self and spliting the bills, marriage is a partnership design to promote working together and rasing a family, with each person contributing their talents, not just an equal amount of money.

So does getting car insurance or putting on a seatbelt qualify as setting yourself up for an accident? Using your plane of logic, it would be. The reason why people get car insurance and wear seatbelts is that they realize there are many factors that are outside of their control. Likewise, cohabitation is also an acknowledgment that many factors are outside of a person’s control in a relationship. For example, you could be perfectly fine. But if the person you marry turns out to be a psycho gold-digger, then you are basically screwed. The bottom line is that not everyone is willing to take a risk of that magnitude, especially when there is a 50% divorce rate and an alternative (cohabitation) with fewer legal risks.

I think getting car insurance and putting on a seatbelt fits our model better actually. For your argument, you would never get in the car. Car insurance and seatbelts are following God’s design on marriage and family life, and making frequent use of the sacraments. Well, ok, you’d get in the car and drive, but didn’t see a need for car insurance and seatbelts. (That’s what sex without marriage is really).

Another analogy. Living together is like buying a beater car since it’s probably going to break down anyway, that way you’ll only have to carry the minimium insurance, do little to nno maintenance and the costs of getting rid of the car later will be simpler. You are completely going to get what you paid for, a cheap car that goes, but probably isn’t the best fit for you and will eventually breakdown. On the other hand, marriage is carefully shopping fo the right vehicle, buying quality insurance, and the extended warranty, knowing …hey, this car is the right car for me, and I am going to put the effort into maintaining it and when the inevitable breakdown or accident occurs, rather than through the car away, you utilize your insurance and warranties to fix and repair it.

OP, I am sorry that you hav had to endure the pain that your parents caused during their divorce. I know from personal expierence how awful that can be. However, you have basically two choices.
1). You can allow your parents actions to destroy your life, your faith, and everything else, there by turning you into a cynical, faithless, unhappy person, who never opens themselves up because they might get hurt.
2. You can ackknowledge that they hurt you, and rise above it, allowing it to help lead you to make better choices than they did and take comfort and knowledge in your faith, and become a better person for it.

You also have to recognize that your parents made the decision to get divorced, THEY are responsible for the actions that hurt you and each other and their behavior. The Catholic Church is not, the church did not force them into divorce, It did not cause the seperation between them, it did not hurt you…THEY DID. Just because they got a divorce doesn’t mean that marriage is bad. You are so focused on the marriages that fail, you failed to realize that even in our broken, messed up, crazy, marriage is disposable world…50% still survive. Maybe if we all focused on choosing wiser to start out with, and deciding to actively work on the problems inside a marriage when they arrise, even more would survive. Instead we invent things like Cohabitation which requires less commitment than marriage and falls apart more often.

 

[JHow]

After reading this thread, I want to say that the OP’s beef with marriage in large part seems to me to be a beef with legal problems arising no-fault divorce. He/she mentions the devastating circumstances that happen when one party bails on the marriage for no good reason in several posts. Likewise, to his/her points about common law marriage not being recognized in all states: both the lack of common law and the institution of no-fault divorce have worked to make a legal mess of marriage. A sound defense of traditional marriage should acknowledge that these are not traditional legal positions and in practice, they do work to undermine marriage.

 

[mark_a]

This being said, why does the Catholic Church continue to tell people that marriage is the only way a man and woman can be together?

Because the family is the most basic unit of society. A society in decline, such as ours, is the result of broken families.

 

[Annabelle_Marie]

Marriage doesn’t provide true security, it provides legal control. It gives each spouse legal control over the other. If one spouse chooses to end the marriage, he/she can make life extremely difficult for the other spouse by taking a disproportionate amount of assets and creating a costly legal battle. Also, you have to consider that the legal contract can encourage people to cheat on one another. One spouse (who is unhappy with the marriage and lacks the $ for divorce) can decide to have a secret affair. The presence of a marriage contract does nothing to actually secure the relationship. The emotional relationship between the two people is the sole deciding factor in the longevity of the relationship…

Cohabitation doesn’t provide security either. I think there is something nice about knowing that I made binding vows to my husband. It has made me think several times when we disagree on something. Cohabitation makes it easier to just walk out. Of course cohabitation is just selfish…and that is NOT true love.

I know the part about God giving a spiritual blessing, but how does that really help people in their day to day lives? When my parents were still together, so many horrible things happened that many secular people around us did not have to deal with. It would have been nice to have that blessing prevent some of those events from happening…

How does God’s blessing help us in our day to day lives? Seriously? And you honestly believe secular people around us do not have to deal with horrible things?

But the question is: Does it make sense to marry? Yes, there is the issue of Christian legitimacy, but that does not help in a divorce court where a vengeful spouse is trying to take your stuff. If the government changed marital law so that married couples don’t pay a penny in taxes and singles/cohabitators have to pay everything, I would have no problem getting married since the benefits outweigh the risk of a costly divorce. However, that is not the case. As of now, it pays financially to commit a mortal sin and just cohabitate (since you don’t have the legal battle to worry about). As for cohabitation failure, why is it a big deal? There is no costly legal battle with cohabitation, but there is with marriage. The way I see it, cohabitation is a better way of protecting what is in your wallet,** even if it is a sin**.

If all you are concerned about is money in this world… You know my dad used to tell me to protect my money when we got married…that way when divorced happened I would have my money. I thought that going into a marriage holding myself back was no way to go into a marriage and expect it to work. Going on 23 years now…

After I saw what happened with my parents, I’m thinking about turning my back on marriage altogether and just living with a girl out of wedlock instead.

Wow…isn’t she the lucky girl…to know that you think so little of her…

 

[Alix1912]

I’m thinking about turning my back on marriage altogether and just living with a girl out of wedlock instead.

Wow…isn’t she the lucky girl…to know that you think so little of her…

Honey…I love you…sort of, not enough to commit permenantly to you, and if you cost me more than I deem OK, or touch anything that is mine…It’s over.

I think I prefer the…I love you, I know things won’t always be perfect, and we will have trouble, but I love you so much I’m committing to doing whatever it takes to make it work. I also have faith in you that you are making this same committment and together we are going to build a family.

Which would you rather sign on to?

In most of the USA (where I live) common-law marriage is not recognized by the government. This means that without marriage, it’s as if your relationship never existed in the eyes of the government. That flexibility is the beauty of cohabitation. Cohabitation thrives on giving people power over their own lives (and making sure that other people and the government have minimal power over your life). After I saw what happened with my dad, I really considered the idea of rejecting marriage to avoid his mistake. You can be a perfect spouse, but if the other spouse decides they aren’t happy, they can take half of your stuff (even if they never worked for it), make you pay spousal support, etc. I have already had a hard life as is. I want the comfort of knowing that the money I make belongs to me and that I won’t be raped by some Marxist judge in divorce court.

It would have been better because there would have been no costly legal battle. If the $80,000 in attorney fees had been saved, I could easily have a brand new car or use it to avoid some student loans.

I’m still looking at the aftermath of what happened to my parents. Before those things happened, I was very hardcore about being Catholic. I was much more into it than anyone else in my Catholic Sunday school classes. Even though I was much less fortunate than my other class mates, I relied on God to make things right. After everything that happened to me, I’m just really disillusioned with Catholicism in general. Instead of making my life better, I had to endure so much misery that other people I knew did not have to deal with at all. There are some Catholics I know (why are my age) who would think that the Act of Contrition is a law passed by Congress, not a prayer of reconciliation. Yet these people lived rather care-free lives.

Yup…your relationship doesn’t exist if you cohabitate, in the eyes of God, the Government, or anyone. You are just playing house and shacking up.

You seem to be focused so much on the financial aspect of divorce. You claim it cost your parents $80,000 in legal fees etc. It cost my mom $350,000.00+ to get my stepdad out of her life. Consider you parents lucky. Also keep in mind that greedy lawyers, exspouses, and such are again…Not the fault of God, or the Catholic Church. They are the fault of sin in this world. You are allowing that sin to destroy your life, your faith, and your sprit. My heart goes out to you…as I said I know HOW painful divorce is. Your family has been torn apart and you have lost a lot. You need to process that and grieve. I would strongly recommend you talk to your priest, and ask about a counselor in your area who helps with these issues. You seem so full of hurt and anger right now, and it is clouding your ability to see anything objectively. Once you deal with that you will realize that EVERYONE has hardship, sorrow and pain in their lives. The people who seem “carefree” to you still have problems. It really is all in how you deal with things. Faith can be a powerful tool to help people deal with things that happen in their lives.

We have all been angry at God at one point or another in our lives, especially when things don;t go the way we want them to. But please get some spiritual and counseling help and do not let your parents actions destroy your life too.

 

[psymajor]

Marriage provides a sacrament to strengthen the couples faith. It provides a vocation. It provides a environment for the sacramental union of the husband and wife, through which God can allow them to participate in the co-creation of new life. It provides the stable environment that is most conducive for the development of that new life.
Co-habitation like serial dating teach us when the going get’s tough, time to look for a more fun path.

That depends on the mindset that you go into it with. Some people are like that, but others want to work through stuff for the simple reason of avoiding the heartache of breakup. I wouldn’t breakup with someone right away if I cohabitated. But I would leave if it became obvious that the relationship was going to be a disaster.

Families are the building blocks of all societies, and all religions. Like building a house, knowledge and careful planning, along with fully understanding the fundamental purpose of marriage, will lead to a strong community and a positive environment for raising children.
Finally, there are no guarantees in life. For Catholics, with patience, wisdom and most importantly, faith in God, we can meet life’s challenges.

I agree, families are the building blocks of a society. However, the restoration of marriage will require a lot of legal reform. The divorce process needs to be reformed so that it’s not biased against men and takes into consideration how much each person brought to the table. For example, a stay at home mom with only a high school education should only get 10% of the assets that she had with her rich lawyer husband (since that is the market value of the work she did). Until that happens, cohabitation will continue to flourish and spread.

I think getting car insurance and putting on a seatbelt fits our model better actually.** For your argument, you would never get in the car.** Car insurance and seatbelts are following God’s design on marriage and family life, and making frequent use of the sacraments. Well, ok, you’d get in the car and drive, but didn’t see a need for car insurance and seatbelts. (That’s what sex without marriage is really)

In the end, you’ll do what you want. The Church will continue to uphold the sanctity of marriage and combat the outbreak of teen pregnancy, abortion, rampant STD’s, multiple children with multiple partners, and women and children living in poverty because of abandonment by men. Sounds like a car wreck to me. (going back to your car insurance example) Every one of those are the result of being ‘inside their control’. Hate to see what would happen when you add ‘outside of their control’ to that disaster. Suicide, overeating, anxieties of all sorts, addictions, to help cope. But those things hardly ever show up in this society, huh?

Haha, your joke is very funny The Catholic Church has changed it’s positions in the past. Does the solar system debate ring a bell? Sure, it took a very long time for the Catholic Church to change, but it slooooooooooooooooowly has. Either the Catholic Church will change its views to more moderate positions (unlikely to happen) or more people will become more secular (happening right now as we debate). If they continue to embrace too many fringe positions (like the anti-condom policy) people won’t take them too seriously. They will just say “Oh well you know how the Catholic Church is, everything is a sin to them”. I will have to see what happens. I don’t see myself becoming an atheist but I don’t see myself to being as hardcore as I used to be when I was younger. It would take something along the lines of a mass sighting of the Virgin Mary to change the way people in my generation are.

Wellllll… not exactly. Even without a legal marriage, couples who entangle their assets and finances can create legally binding contracts that the courts may get involved in. E.g., if you purchase a house together but aren’t married, and then split up, the courts would not reject a civil lawsuit based on contractual claims to jointly owned property, just because there was never a legal marriage. It would just be a contract case in civil court, rather than a divorce case in family court. Can still be a mess though - perhaps even more so.

I’m aware of that. Usually people who cohabitate try to not mingle their assets.

So because something good is being misused the Church should change it’s position and move to suit the society of the day?
The Church didn’t stop promoting marriage during the fall of Rome and certainly won’t do so now. The Church teaches Truth and the Church will always teach Truth, whether society is too messed up to listen or not.
To answer your question: The Church is right to promote marriage and to demonize cohabitation.

Marriage is not being misused. Marriage is an institution that has been shaky all along and the time has come to discard it. The Church is wrong in promoting marriage because it is putting people at legal risk for financial catastrophe. It would be fair for the Church to say “Here are the pros and cons of marriage, here are the pros and cons of cohabitation. Pick which one you want. We will be happy for you either way.” Hundreds of years ago, French intellectuals were saying that marriage is oppressive and archaic. The enlightenment that those people had amazes me, especially considering the time in which they lived.

 

[psymajor]

Another analogy. Living together is like buying a beater car since it’s probably going to break down anyway, that way you’ll only have to carry the minimium insurance, do little to nno maintenance and the costs of getting rid of the car later will be simpler. You are completely going to get what you paid for, a cheap car that goes, but probably isn’t the best fit for you and will eventually breakdown. On the other hand, marriage is carefully shopping fo the right vehicle, buying quality insurance, and the extended warranty, knowing …hey, this car is the right car for me, and I am going to put the effort into maintaining it and when the inevitable breakdown or accident occurs, rather than through the car away, you utilize your insurance and warranties to fix and repair it.

OP, I am sorry that you have had to endure the pain that your parents caused during their divorce. I know from personal experience how awful that can be. However, you have basically two choices.
1). You can allow your parents actions to destroy your life, your faith, and everything else, there by turning you into a cynical, faithless, unhappy person, who never opens themselves up because they might get hurt.
2. You can acknowledge that they hurt you, and rise above it, allowing it to help lead you to make better choices than they did and take comfort and knowledge in your faith, and become a better person for it.

You also have to recognize that your parents made the decision to get divorced, THEY are responsible for the actions that hurt you and each other and their behavior. The Catholic Church is not, the church did not force them into divorce, It did not cause the seperation between them, it did not hurt you…THEY DID. Just because they got a divorce doesn’t mean that marriage is bad. You are so focused on the marriages that fail, you failed to realize that even in our broken, messed up, crazy, marriage is disposable world…50% still survive. Maybe if we all focused on choosing wiser to start out with, and deciding to actively work on the problems inside a marriage when they arrise, even more would survive.

If there was a 50% chance that your car would get totaled in a few years, it would make PERFECT sense to drive a beater. All the warranties in the world can’t save you if a semi plows into your car and kills you. Likewise, you can be the greatest spouse in the world. But if the other person doesn’t appreciate you, then it’s hopeless. That is a level of risk that is too high and a level of reward that is too low. How would turning to cohabitation destroy my life? It gives me the option to flee an inferno, not destroy my life. Even in the 50% of marriages that do survive, there is a chunk that is unhappy. Those couples choose to stay together for kids or financial reasons (even if divorce would make them happier. That means that the majority (50% + a few percent show remain married for $$$) are unhappy in marriage. I know my parents were the ones who chose to divorce. They did it because the marriage was a DISASTER and it was a hellish INFERNO. The Church is the one that was promoting this, which is why I’m upset with the church. Using your logic, I should not blame someone who tells a person to jump off a cliff. It’s the sharp rocks at the bottom of the cliff, not the person who misled, who should be blamed.

After reading this thread, I want to say that the OP’s beef with marriage in large part seems to me to be a beef with legal problems arising no-fault divorce. He/she mentions the devastating circumstances that happen when one party bails on the marriage for no good reason in several posts.

You are correct (I’m a guy btw). That and the fact that the courts are biased against men. Most of the true legal benefits of marriage are geared toward giving the woman legal entitlement to her husband’s money. Just another form of slavery if you ask me.

Cohabitation doesn’t provide security either. I think there is something nice about knowing that I made binding vows to my husband. It has made me think several times when we disagree on something. Cohabitation makes it easier to just walk out. Of course cohabitation is just selfish…and that is NOT true love.

How does God’s blessing help us in our day to day lives? Seriously? And you honestly believe secular people around us do not have to deal with horrible things?

If all you are concerned about is money in this world… You know my dad used to tell me to protect my money when we got married…that way when divorced happened I would have my money. I thought that going into a marriage holding myself back was no way to go into a marriage and expect it to work. Going on 23 years now…

Wow…isn’t she the lucky girl…to know that you think so little of her…

It does provide protection with respect to being able to keep your own money! And tell me, how does God’s blessing help? I have prayed more devoutly during my childhood than anyone else I knew (who was my age) but I still got the worst of everything. I never said that bad things don’t happen to secular people. But I am making the claim that God’s blessing makes no difference in the quality of life that people have day to day. Money is not the ONLY thing I care about. But it is a large part of what I think about, given that my family is currently on welfare I have not hid anything from my girlfriend. She knows how I feel about this. If she breaks up with me for this, I will find someone who can respect me for what I am and what I want from life.

 

[psymajor]

You seem to be focused so much on the financial aspect of divorce. You claim it cost your parents $80,000 in legal fees etc. It cost my mom $350,000.00+ to get my stepdad out of her life. Consider you parents lucky. Also keep in mind that greedy lawyers, exspouses, and such are again…Not the fault of God, or the Catholic Church. They are the fault of sin in this world. You are allowing that sin to destroy your life, your faith, and your sprit. My heart goes out to you…as I said I know HOW painful divorce is. Your family has been torn apart and you have lost a lot. You need to process that and grieve. I would strongly recommend you talk to your priest, and ask about a counselor in your area who helps with these issues. You seem so full of hurt and anger right now, and it is clouding your ability to see anything objectively. Once you deal with that you will realize that EVERYONE has hardship, sorrow and pain in their lives. The people who seem “carefree” to you still have problems. It really is all in how you deal with things. Faith can be a powerful tool to help people deal with things that happen in their lives.

We have all been angry at God at one point or another in our lives, especially when things don;t go the way we want them to. But please get some spiritual and counseling help and do not let your parents actions destroy your life too.

I am concerned with the financial aspect because I come from an immigrant family that is on welfare! I have every right to be concerned! Your mom may have had to pay a lot more, but she was most likely a working person. Her income to bill ratio was most likely a lot lower than what my family is dealing with now. Consider that my dad only gets about $10,000 in disability every year. What could a priest possibly tell me? All he would do is repeat a bunch of outdated Church teachings that don’t have any benefit in modern times. I am not overcome with emotion right now (and this is not something that I have just recently started talking about). This is the culmination of over a year of careful examination of what I am dealing with. Believe me, my judgment has never been this sharp. This entire ordeal has opened my eyes to how society truly functions and what people’s true intentions are.