Is the Church right in promoting marriage and demonizing cohabitation?

[RosaryFan]

The position of the Catholic Church is that marriage is a requirement for two people who want to be together. The justification for the position is that marriage is God’s plan for a man and woman who love each other (and that anything else is a perversion of God’s plan). I have been a Catholic my entire life (and I still am). But during the past year, I have become more skeptical with regards to what the church tells people to do.

My question is this: Why does the Catholic Church continue to promote an institution that is not helping people (and in many cases hurting them more)? Nowadays, cohabitation is on the rise in the United States (as well as other parts of the world). If the cohabitation trend continues, it is set to overtake marriage in the United States (as it already has in Scandinavia). Aside from a few minor legal benefits that most people don’t care about that much, marriage does not provide anything that cohabitation cannot provide to couples (love, companionship, happiness, sex, children, etc). If the relationship ends, marriage is a lot more harmful financially due to the legal costs associated with a divorce. Yes, with cohabitation there can still be a child custody battle (if children are involved). However, marriage has the potential for a child custody battle AND a divorce battle (making it much messier than cohabitation).

The reason I ask this question is that my parents, both of whom are Catholic, are going through a terrible divorce. Prior to the divorce, the marriage was a disaster. They got separated back in 2006 (when I was in high school). The divorce has lasted for a few years, but it’s not over yet. Collectively, they spent over $80,000 on attorney fees and it still is not over yet (and our family is low-income, not rich). The divorce was a financial disaster. I’m in college now and this is making things much harder. Honestly, I do not see the functional purpose that marriage serves. After I saw what happened with my parents, I’m thinking about turning my back on marriage altogether and just living with a girl out of wedlock instead.

This being said, why does the Catholic Church continue to tell people that marriage is the only way a man and woman can be together? People would not be turning away from marriage and doing cohabitation if marriage was really that much better. In the case of my parents, it turned out to be a lot worse. Anyway, I said quite a bit, so I will open it up for discussion.

Cohabitation instead of marriage means that you can pick up and move on to another sexual partner any time you feel the urge. Now, if you have children, what kind of a life is that for them? Are you saying it’s okay to just live with someone, have a baby, move out; then move in with partner #2, have another baby, move out; then move in with partner #3, have a baby, move out, etc., etc., etc…?

How would one explain that this practice is not damaging to society. The breakdown of the family unit is the breakdown of society.

Marriage is a sacrament where the graces of God are necessary to sustain it as a unit. When people marry without realizing the importance of the sacrament, they are not entering into the marriage while properly disposed. Therefore, they are not receiving the graces necessary to sustain the marriage and then divorce ultimately ensues. This is why the divorce rate is so high - no one understands the sacramental importance of marriage anymore, so they are not open to the graces God offers them in the sacrament. If they did, the divorce rate would drop drastically, and there would be no need of talk like this (i.e. “shacking up” is a better option).

If you uninvite God from your life, there are always consequences.

Lastly, the problem you described that your parents have - spending $80,000 on attorneys - is not the Church’s fault. That would be the fault of the lawyers. Someone should look into the legitimacy of legal fees, but that’s for another thread.

 

[nickybr38]

Marriage is not being misused. Marriage is an institution that has been shaky all along and the time has come to discard it. The Church is wrong in promoting marriage because it is putting people at legal risk for financial catastrophe. It would be fair for the Church to say “Here are the pros and cons of marriage, here are the pros and cons of cohabitation. Pick which one you want. We will be happy for you either way.” Hundreds of years ago, French intellectuals were saying that marriage is oppressive and archaic. The enlightenment that those people had amazes me, especially considering the time in which they lived.

I really don’t know what to say to you on this one. Marriage was founded by God from the start… Legal risk? Financial catastrophe? Those are things of this world, more importantly we should be concerned about our souls.

The Church doesn’t care about fairness. The Church promotes Truth. Thousands of years ago an Empire decided marriage wasn’t important… that Empire doesn’t exist anymore. Perhaps there’s a lot we can learn from history instead of being stuck in the folly of today.

 

[Alix1912]

I am concerned with the financial aspect because I come from an immigrant family that is on welfare! I have every right to be concerned! Your mom may have had to pay a lot more, but she was most likely a working person. Her income to bill ratio was most likely a lot lower than what my family is dealing with now. Consider that my dad only gets about $10,000 in disability every year. What could a priest possibly tell me? All he would do is repeat a bunch of outdated Church teachings that don’t have any benefit in modern times. I am not overcome with emotion right now (and this is not something that I have just recently started talking about). This is the culmination of over a year of careful examination of what I am dealing with. Believe me, my judgment has never been this sharp. This entire ordeal has opened my eyes to how society truly functions and what people’s true intentions are.

Just because you think your judgement is clear doesn’t mean it is. When our lives are thrown into Massive upheval it takes time (more than a year) to sort it all out. Again I know from personal expierence, both with divorce and loss. I lost a grandparent I was particularly close with in High School. It wasn’t until I had a fabulous religon course teacher in my junior year in college, that I finally truely came to grips with my loss or how angry I was at God about it. While my grandmother was dying of Cancer I remeber praying so hard to God to save her, and in my 16 year old mind I figured that would be enough to save her. When she died, my close knit extended family completely came apart at the seams…it was truely ugly. I turned away from my faith, I was so angry that he had allowed her to die when we all needed her so much. It wasn;t until I encoutered a couple great spiritual mentors who helped me see that God’s plan and his word is so much bigger than us or the constraints we want to put on it. I also came to understand this is a fallen world…there is sickness, disease and all sorts of bad stuff. We can either look for the good and turn towards it, or wallow in the bad allowing it to destroy us. I know how easy it is to lose your faith, I also know that faith can heal and sustain you through rough times in your life.

You might be surprised how much a priest and a counsleor can help you. Priests do a lot more than spout archaic rules. Their job is to help and care for their parrishes. You have nothing to lose by actually talking to someone and everything to gain.

Don’t harden your heart to the possibility of marriage, life long love, or your faith.

 

[Daizies]

Where I live, marriage and cohabitation are legally VERY similar, and a person who cohabits who has children can be made to pay spousal support and/or child support (as I know people where this is the case for them, even though they were never legally married). So for me, the financial argument is a moot point. I would not be surprised if your (US) laws eventually follow in that way - your laws are becoming as secular as ours are (gay marriage is technically legal here). So once you remove the financial incentive (if you wish to call it that) all that is left is your soul. And do you really want to tell God to His face that you defied His laws to save a few bucks?
I don’t mean to be harsh, but you are not the only one who has had a tough life. We all have to do the best that we can with what we have. But a tough life doesn’t mean that we can just toss God’s rules out the window. Many of the Saints had worse lives than many of us, and look where they are now.

 

[psymajor]

Marriage is a sacrament where the graces of God are necessary to sustain it as a unit. When people marry without realizing the importance of the sacrament, they are not entering into the marriage while properly disposed. Therefore, they are not receiving the graces necessary to sustain the marriage and then divorce ultimately ensues. This is why the divorce rate is so high - no one understands the sacramental importance of marriage anymore, so they are not open to the graces God offers them in the sacrament. If they did, the divorce rate would drop drastically, and there would be no need of talk like this (i.e. “shacking up” is a better option).

If you uninvite God from your life, there are always consequences.

Lastly, the problem you described that your parents have - spending $80,000 on attorneys - is not the Church’s fault. That would be the fault of the lawyers. Someone should look into the legitimacy of legal fees, but that’s for another thread.

I understand what you’re saying, but I responded to this 3 times throughout the thread already.

I really don’t know what to say to you on this one. Marriage was founded by God from the start… Legal risk? Financial catastrophe? Those are things of this world, more importantly we should be concerned about our souls.
The Church doesn’t care about fairness. The Church promotes Truth. Thousands of years ago an Empire decided marriage wasn’t important… that Empire doesn’t exist anymore. Perhaps there’s a lot we can learn from history instead of being stuck in the folly of today.

I could not possibly disagree with you more on what you said just now. The early Church was run by bankers and monarchs. They constructed magnificent monuments while people suffered since they did not have basic necessities. Even now, many people are suspicious of what the Church is doing with the money it gets. And you think I’m greedy for making sure that I have enough for basic stuff? How is the collapse of an empire relevant to this discussion? In prior centuries, there were Christian nations that also collapsed.

We can either look for the good and turn towards it, or wallow in the bad allowing it to destroy us. I know how easy it is to lose your faith, I also know that faith can heal and sustain you through rough times in your life.

You might be surprised how much a priest and a counsleor can help you. Priests do a lot more than spout archaic rules. Their job is to help and care for their parrishes. You have nothing to lose by actually talking to someone and everything to gain.

Don’t harden your heart to the possibility of marriage, life long love, or your faith.

What makes you so certain that your judgment is clear? You’re right, I have nothing to lose. Ok, I will take your advice and talk to a priest sometime. I’m not sure about what it will do, but I will see what the priests in my parish have to say about this…

Where I live, marriage and cohabitation are legally VERY similar, and a person who cohabits who has children can be made to pay spousal support and/or child support (as I know people where this is the case for them, even though they were never legally married). So for me, the financial argument is a moot point. I would not be surprised if your (US) laws eventually follow in that way - your laws are becoming as secular as ours are (gay marriage is technically legal here). So once you remove the financial incentive (if you wish to call it that) all that is left is your soul. And do you really want to tell God to His face that you defied His laws to save a few bucks?
I don’t mean to be harsh, but you are not the only one who has had a tough life. We all have to do the best that we can with what we have. But a tough life doesn’t mean that we can just toss God’s rules out the window. Many of the Saints had worse lives than many of us, and look where they are now.

It used to be like that in the USA up until a few years ago. However, most states don’t recognize common law marriage anymore. I don’t see the USA going back to common law marriage if they just recently abolished it. Common law marriage is alive and well in other parts of the industrialized world, but not America. Yes, I am willing to tell God that I ignored some of his rules to save my financial well being. When God starts answering all of our prayers to cure illness 100% of the time, I will take more financial risks since I don’t have to worry about med bills. But as long as money is a necessity, I will look out for myself. I know I’m not the only one who had a tough life. There are scores of people who had tough lives and ended up rejecting God’s existence altogether. I have not done this, as I still believe and go to church every week. Just because the Bible says something does not mean that any form of critical thinking just goes out the window.

 

[nickybr38]

Are you Catholic? It says you are but there’s so much disdain and distrust for the Church in your post that it’s rather concerning.

The concern with history is that we can learn from the mistakes of nations that came before us.

I’m not sure anyone can change your mind so I will respectively bow out of this conversation but before I do I strongly urge you to read your Catechism, especially the parts pertaining to the Sacrament of Marriage.

 

[Gertabelle]

I have not hid anything from my girlfriend. She knows how I feel about this. If she breaks up with me for this,** I will find someone who can respect me for what I am and what I want from life**.

In other words, you’ll find a woman who doesn’t mind being used for your pleasure for as long as it suits you. Great. Just what every woman longs for – to be a tool.

Seriously, there are plenty of woman out there who don’t think they could possibly ever get what they really want – a lifetime commitment of love and strength and courage and unity – so you’ll probably have no trouble finding a woman who will partner up with you, no strings attached. Poor dears…

There are scores of people who had tough lives and ended up rejecting God’s existence altogether. I have not done this, as I still believe and go to church every week. Just because the Bible says something does not mean that any form of critical thinking just goes out the window.

News flash – the Catholic Church defends the use of REASON as well as faith! Perhaps you’ve never heard of this before, but the Church declares that faith and reason (i.e., the intellect) go hand in hand. But that doesn’t mean you get to just pick and choose what suits you. And though you seem to be saying here that it is your brain that keeps you from following God’s law, it sounds an awful lot like you just wanna do what you wanna do when you wanna do it – and the Church is getting in the way of you getting what you want. So, your logical conclusion is that the Church must be wrong.

While you are using your intellect to defend your throwing Church teaching in the garbage pile, there are many of us here on CAF who have used our intellects to challenge and embrace those teachings.

Are you willing to actually delve into the research of Church teaching on marriage, on chastity, on faithfulness, on obedience? Or are you just here to sound off and claim “critical thinking” as your ticket out of obedience? In order to use the phrase “critical thinking” you must have actually spent time considering the actual viewpoint of what you are rejecting; which means you have actually gone to the primary sources and spent time reading them. Have you? Or are you using the phrase “critical thinking” to accuse those of us who embrace and defend Church teaching of being unthinking peons who know nothing of the “real” world?

“Christianity has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult and left untried” (Chesterton).

God bless you. And I am praying for you.

Gertie

 

[underacloud]

In most of the USA (where I live) common-law marriage is not recognized by the government. This means that without marriage, it’s as if your relationship never existed in the eyes of the government. That flexibility is the beauty of cohabitation. Cohabitation thrives on giving people power over their own lives (and making sure that other people and the government have minimal power over your life). After I saw what happened with my dad, I really considered the idea of rejecting marriage to avoid his mistake. You can be a perfect spouse, but if the other spouse decides they aren’t happy, they can take half of your stuff (even if they never worked for it), make you pay spousal support, etc. I have already had a hard life as is. I want the comfort of knowing that the money I make belongs to me and that I won’t be raped by some Marxist judge in divorce court.

But like I said, this situation leaves people very vulnerable when a relationship breaks down. If a couple are together for years, unmarried, with say the man working full time while the woman raises children, what happens when the relationship breaks down? The man has earned the money, and let’s say has all the assets in his name. So he walks away with it all and leaves the woman, and perhaps her kids too, with nothing?

The issue here isn’t marriage vs cohabitation. The issue is how to fairly divide up assets and income when a relationship, either form, breaks down. The issue is no less complicated with cohabitation than with marriage once children enter the picture and the partners take on different roles in raising the children or being the bread-winner (or both as is commonly the case today). It is because if this that many societies recognise common-law or defacto marriages to the same legal extent as proper marriages. And where the society doesn’t, one or other party in a relationship breakdown can find themselves in serious financial strife.

In my opinion, the best defense against a costly marriage breakdown is not to avoid marriage and to only cohabitate, but it is to enter into a valid sacramental Catholic marriage with a partner who you consider shares your views that marriage is for life and is ordained by God. I truly hope you find such a person in your life.

 

[Joel_PF]

Marriage is not being misused. Marriage is an institution that has been shaky all along and the time has come to discard it.

Perhaps your parents’ divorce has had a big impact on you.
You know what is, IMO, the worst thing in a divorce from the perspective of the children (I know from personal experience too)? it destroys an idea that children of stable marriages grow up with: that true lifelong love is possible. When parents separate (and mine did after I was already married, so I was no kid!), something of our world collapses. Has it all been a sham? All those happy years? Is it impossible to find a truly fulfilling relationship, to build something with someone that you would NEVER want to let go of?

That’s what is at stake in marriage. Fortunately, there are other examples out there of happy marriages lasting until death; and there is our own personal experience which can point that way too.

You want to cohabitate because you don’t want to give yourself fully; you want always to hold something back, the most precious and intimate part of you you’ll hold back so it won’t get hurt if the whole thing fails. It won’t work that way, there is an inconsistency in your co-habitation plan. Because you’ll be having sex, and so you will, on another level, be making that full and complete surrender to one another. So you’ll be open to all the bad taste and resentment of a failure and closed to the complete trust and happiness of a success.

Imagine having someone you know you can count on NO MATTER WHAT. Someone who knows you and is there for you and lives, to a large extent, for you. If you hold something back, if you’re just waiting for things to turn sower so you can move on, you will not have that. You’ll always be wondering “Is this worth pushing on? Shouldn’t I better look for someone else? Can I talk about X, or will that upset her and make her want to leave?”.

Cohabitating partners are always thinking whether it is worth it to go on another year. Married partners - in a good marriage with a Christian mindset - see their union as a primary reality; no need to stress over whether it should go on or not. It will go on. The great challenge is making it always better, helping each other overcome their flaws and become better persons. For this a deeper level of trust is needed, one that is developed in marriage, but not in an extended hook-up with someone who may change their minds and pack the next morning.

And when you have your own child, someone who’s the fruit of your mutual love, and who needs both a father and a mother who love each other, and who’ll look up to you like a god on earth, you’ll see for yourself that it is indeed a SIN to break that bond.

The question for you is: is real love possible or a fairy tale?

Your fear of being hurt is perfectly understandable. But what if that fear (and the consequent decision to co-habitate instead of marrying) keeps you from one of the most important, fulfilling and happy things you can ever do? Don’t let the fear of pain overcome you. Remember that Christ overcame death. Embrace that pain when and if it comes; face it bravely, and you won’t regret it.

Don’t turn your spiritual and your moral life in a list of duties and prohibitions. But be aware that beneath these dry lists, the Church has an accumulated store of divine wisdom that would be foolish to disregard.

A good marriage is not a fairy tale. But it does require a lot (though it pays even more!), and sadly many people today are not ready, perhaps some even tragically incapable, of achieving this great human good that God planned for us.

The Church is wrong in promoting marriage because it is putting people at legal risk for financial catastrophe. It would be fair for the Church to say “Here are the pros and cons of marriage, here are the pros and cons of cohabitation. Pick which one you want. We will be happy for you either way.” Hundreds of years ago, French intellectuals were saying that marriage is oppressive and archaic. The enlightenment that those people had amazes me, especially considering the time in which they lived.

LOL, you think the biggest risk of marriage is financial? Think again. It concerns much more than that: the whole of a person’s life and happiness. Everything is at stake in a marriage; just like everything is at stake when sex enters the picture: your deepest longings, fears, dreams, your self-respect and how you view yourself. Money, though important, pales in comparison to these. It is a good excuse for a fight between divorced spouses, but it is seldom the real issue; there are personal insecurities and resentments that go much deeper.

 

[Alix1912]

What makes you so certain that your judgment is clear? You’re right, I have nothing to lose. Ok, I will take your advice and talk to a priest sometime. I’m not sure about what it will do, but I will see what the priests in my parish have to say about this.

psymajor, I never claimed to have perfect judgement. I’m just saying that sometimes in the midst of personal crisis we can think we are seeing clearly and we actually are at our most clouded. I’m glad you are going to talk to someone about the pain and turmoil your parent’s divorce has caused. To often people forget that the biggest victims in a family tearing apart are the children, even when they are grown. I hope that between talking to your priests and possibly to a family counselor you will find some peace and possibly renew your faith in God, the Church, and people in general.

Everyone Else, Let’s remeber that psymajor has just been thourgh one of the most awful things that can happen to a person, and one that is often hardest on those who did no cause it. Continuing to quote cannon law or be derisive isn’t going to help. He needs people to support and encourage him to seek the help to deal with the feelings and pain of this situation. Try to be a little charitable, I imagine we have all been in a place where we have seriously questioned our faith, it’s not a fun place to be and having people talk down to you isn’t helpful.

 

[Katie966]

I agree, families are the building blocks of a society. However, the restoration of marriage will require a lot of legal reform. The divorce process needs to be reformed so that it’s not biased against men and takes into consideration how much each person brought to the table. For example, a stay at home mom with only a high school education should only get 10% of the assets that she had with her rich lawyer husband (since that is the market value of the work she did). Until that happens, cohabitation will continue to flourish and spread.

This comment is very disturbing to me. A stay at home mom should only get 10%? What?

I’m kind of speechless. I think that you have a lot to learn about how the Catholic Church defines marriage. If everyone took marriage so seriously, chose a spouse wisely, and lived their marital lives with the kind of sacrificial love that is necessary for it to survive, there would be no need to discuss “who gets what”.

I’m not saying that there are not some situations that turn out to be unfair. But if you continue to hold the attitude that you want to keep all of your money and “stuff”, that if your wife stayed home with the kids she would be entitled to less of what’s “yours”, that you’d rather cohabitate in lieu of a true commitment…you’re missing out on a lot.

 

[chain]

As far as I have seen, common law marriage is alive and well where I live. I would hate to deal with the legal battle of saying that a kid was mine but I refuse to support him. I have heard of plenty of cases where alimony has been given to a non-married “partner”. But that is neither here nor there and not the reason for my reply.​

I think the Church HAS changed it’s view on marriage already - and I wonder if it does not need to change them again. I think there was a time, when a priest would have refused to marry a couple when they knew the marriage would not be valid, when they knew the couple was living in a state of persistent unrepentant sin, when they knew the couple was not open to life, when they knew the couple lacked capacity to make their wedding vows. Today, the priest will only refuse to marry a couple in very limited circumstances (if they refuse to take a required pre-cana, and possibly if one party is openly hostile against Church rules regarding marriage (openly states the Children will NOT be raised Catholic, or openly states that they will NEVER consider children at all).

I think maybe the institution of Sacramental Marriage might not look so tarnished if the Church would view saying wait or no as compassionately as saying ok and crossing their fingers.

 

[psymajor]

Are you Catholic? It says you are but there’s so much disdain and distrust for the Church in your post that it’s rather concerning.
The concern with history is that we can learn from the mistakes of nations that came before us.
I’m not sure anyone can change your mind so I will respectively bow out of this conversation but before I do I strongly urge you to read your Catechism, especially the parts pertaining to the Sacrament of Marriage.

Yes, I am Catholic. I’m not an atheist, if that is what you are wondering. I go to church every week with my dad, but I will not deny that I distrust the Church because it’s true. Look around you, there is a lot more of this sentiment in the air than you may realize I already read the Catechism and what it said about marriage. I have no doubt that the Church supports marriage. I never questioned that.

In other words, you’ll find a woman who doesn’t mind being used for your pleasure for as long as it suits you. Great. Just what every woman longs for – to be a tool.

Seriously, there are plenty of woman out there who don’t think they could possibly ever get what they really want – a lifetime commitment of love and strength and courage and unity – so you’ll probably have no trouble finding a woman who will partner up with you, no strings attached. Poor dears…

News flash – the Catholic Church defends the use of REASON as well as faith! Perhaps you’ve never heard of this before, but the Church declares that faith and reason (i.e., the intellect) go hand in hand. But that doesn’t mean you get to just pick and choose what suits you. And though you seem to be saying here that it is your brain that keeps you from following God’s law, it sounds an awful lot like you just wanna do what you wanna do when you wanna do it – and the Church is getting in the way of you getting what you want. So, your logical conclusion is that the Church must be wrong.

While you are using your intellect to defend your throwing Church teaching in the garbage pile, there are many of us here on CAF who have used our intellects to challenge and embrace those teachings.

Are you willing to actually delve into the research of Church teaching on marriage, on chastity, on faithfulness, on obedience? Or are you just here to sound off and claim “critical thinking” as your ticket out of obedience? In order to use the phrase “critical thinking” you must have actually spent time considering the actual viewpoint of what you are rejecting; which means you have actually gone to the primary sources and spent time reading them. Have you? Or are you using the phrase “critical thinking” to accuse those of us who embrace and defend Church teaching of being unthinking peons who know nothing of the “real” world?

“Christianity has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult and left untried” (Chesterton).
God bless you. And I am praying for you.
Gertie

Your first statement is a generational difference. If I did end up living with a girl, I would not be “using her”. We would both mutually benefit from each others presence. The difference is that I see no need for the state to chain us to one another. Marriage, a legal contract before the state, takes away that individual discretion that is needed to end dead relationships. You people make it seem as if cohabitation makes it certain that people will break up as soon as there are problems. That’s not 100% true. There are couples who live together and work through their problems.

And what is there to research? I already know what the Church’s positions are. I am very well aware of the fact that the Church has very socially conservative family values. You are talking to someone that has gone to Church ever week with his parents for the past 20 years. And FYI, I’m not against all Church teachings, just the ones that I know are wrong from personal experience (Ex. Marriage leading to a better life). I am 100% anti-abortion and I support the Churches views on life (since I do value the sanctity of human life).

 

[psymajor]

But like I said, this situation leaves people very vulnerable when a relationship breaks down. If a couple are together for years, unmarried, with say the man working full time while the woman raises children, what happens when the relationship breaks down? The man has earned the money, and let’s say has all the assets in his name. So he walks away with it all and leaves the woman, and perhaps her kids too, with nothing?

The issue here isn’t marriage vs cohabitation. The issue is how to fairly divide up assets and income when a relationship, either form, breaks down. The issue is no less complicated with cohabitation than with marriage once children enter the picture and the partners take on different roles in raising the children or being the bread-winner (or both as is commonly the case today). It is because if this that many societies recognise common-law or defacto marriages to the same legal extent as proper marriages. And where the society doesn’t, one or other party in a relationship breakdown can find themselves in serious financial strife.

In my opinion, the best defense against a costly marriage breakdown is not to avoid marriage and to only cohabitate, but it is to enter into a valid sacramental Catholic marriage with a partner who you consider shares your views that marriage is for life and is ordained by God. I truly hope you find such a person in your life.

The stay-at-home mom nonsense is ending pretty quickly in America. Nowadays, both parents work to make a living, meaning that your situation is not an issue. Plus, you have to remember that there are a lot of cases where one spouse is lazy and the other does all the work. Even in that case, the lazy spouse still gets half the stuff. Plus, the very reason you listed is what makes cohabitation so attractive to guys, including myself. Why should I sign away my legal and financial autonomy? When a guy gets married, that woman automatically gets half of everything, even if she is cheating her butt off.

You want to cohabitate because you don’t want to give yourself fully; you want always to hold something back, the most precious and intimate part of you you’ll hold back so it won’t get hurt if the whole thing fails. It won’t work that way, there is an inconsistency in your co-habitation plan. Because you’ll be having sex, and so you will, on another level, be making that full and complete surrender to one another. So you’ll be open to all the bad taste and resentment of a failure and closed to the complete trust and happiness of a success.

Imagine having someone you know you can count on NO MATTER WHAT. Someone who knows you and is there for you and lives, to a large extent, for you. If you hold something back, if you’re just waiting for things to turn sower so you can move on, you will not have that. You’ll always be wondering “Is this worth pushing on? Shouldn’t I better look for someone else? Can I talk about X, or will that upset her and make her want to leave?”.

Cohabitating partners are always thinking whether it is worth it to go on another year. Married partners - in a good marriage with a Christian mindset - see their union as a primary reality; no need to stress over whether it should go on or not. It will go on. The great challenge is making it always better, helping each other overcome their flaws and become better persons. For this a deeper level of trust is needed, one that is developed in marriage, but not in an extended hook-up with someone who may change their minds and pack the next morning.

And when you have your own child, someone who’s the fruit of your mutual love, and who needs both a father and a mother who love each other, and who’ll look up to you like a god on earth, you’ll see for yourself that it is indeed a SIN to break that bond.

The question for you is: is real love possible or a fairy tale?

Your fear of being hurt is perfectly understandable. But what if that fear (and the consequent decision to co-habitate instead of marrying) keeps you from one of the most important, fulfilling and happy things you can ever do? Don’t let the fear of pain overcome you. Remember that Christ overcame death. Embrace that pain when and if it comes; face it bravely, and you won’t regret it.

Don’t turn your spiritual and your moral life in a list of duties and prohibitions. But be aware that beneath these dry lists, the Church has an accumulated store of divine wisdom that would be foolish to disregard.

A good marriage is not a fairy tale. But it does require a lot (though it pays even more!), and sadly many people today are not ready, perhaps some even tragically incapable, of achieving this great human good that God planned for us.

LOL, you think the biggest risk of marriage is financial? Think again. It concerns much more than that: the whole of a person’s life and happiness. Everything is at stake in a marriage; just like everything is at stake when sex enters the picture: your deepest longings, fears, dreams, your self-respect and how you view yourself. Money, though important, pales in comparison to these. It is a good excuse for a fight between divorced spouses, but it is seldom the real issue; there are personal insecurities and resentments that go much deeper.

I read your post and I thank your for considering what I said. But my worst fears truly are not emotional. I’m worried about a costly divorce because it means one thing: so many lost opportunities. I’m in college right now and it has never been this hard financially. The divorce made things exponentially worse. My family was poor to begin with, and the divorce costs destroyed everything. I was not able to get my own car or do any of the things that the people around me got to do. It just makes me sick! I’m not afraid of falling in love! I’m afraid of repeating my life and not having the resources to enjoy life.

 

[psymajor]

This comment is very disturbing to me. A stay at home mom should only get 10%? What?

I’m kind of speechless. I think that you have a lot to learn about how the Catholic Church defines marriage. If everyone took marriage so seriously, chose a spouse wisely, and lived their marital lives with the kind of sacrificial love that is necessary for it to survive, there would be no need to discuss “who gets what”.

I’m not saying that there are not some situations that turn out to be unfair. But if you continue to hold the attitude that you want to keep all of your money and “stuff”, that if your wife stayed home with the kids she would be entitled to less of what’s “yours”, that you’d rather cohabitate in lieu of a true commitment…you’re missing out on a lot.

A stay at home mom should only get the market value of what her work is worth. If that means she did child care, laundry and cooking, then she should be paid no more than the market value of that, not 50% (because her work was not worth half). There are MANY situations in which guys get screwed over. The reason why you hear about guys who “are not the marrying type” is that divorce courts favor women MOST of the time and give them so much, while the guy gets raped by a Marxist divorce judge. I have no issue with missing out on the legal mess. That’s what makes cohabitation so attractive in the eyes of men.

As far as I have seen, common law marriage is alive and well where I live. I would hate to deal with the legal battle of saying that a kid was mine but I refuse to support him. I have heard of plenty of cases where alimony has been given to a non-married “partner”. But that is neither here nor there and not the reason for my reply.

But if the couple is not married and they made an effort to keep property separate, it’s easier for a man to just leave a nasty woman and disappear into the woodwork. He could even go to another country, and his “female dog” girlfriend would just have to suck it up.

 

[choose_to_love]

This is one of the posts where the pain of the OP is palpable. Prayers for you, psymajor.

That being said, a few points.

My bride is a stay-at -home mom. What she does is invaluable. She is handing on the Faith, through her service to, and love for, our children and our family. One cannot put a price on something like that.

That reality aside, your view of the value of a SAHM does not consider, for one thing among many possibilities, if the spouse that stays home gave up her career. What then? She’s not going back into the job market at the same place she was before staying home. I can only imagine your thoughts on alimony. What about the husband who decides he wants a younger spouse? What if he is the one giving up on the marriage?

Three, I think your family, or perhaps one spouse, may have been a little beyond low income, or the family wouldn’t have had that much to spend in the first place.

Fourth, why are the lawyers greedy? The parties could have setted at any time. Lawyers do not have anything to sell but their expertise and time.

Fifth, OP, in a few years, I would wager that your opinion on this will have changed dramatically.

 

[Katie966]

A stay at home mom should only get the market value of what her work is worth. If that means she did child care, laundry and cooking, then she should be paid no more than the market value of that, not 50% (because her work was not worth half). There are MANY situations in which guys get screwed over. The reason why you hear about guys who “are not the marrying type” is that divorce courts favor women MOST of the time and give them so much, while the guy gets raped by a Marxist divorce judge. I have no issue with missing out on the legal mess. That’s what makes cohabitation so attractive in the eyes of men.

How do you figure out what the “market value” is? How about the fact that she is giving up experience in the workplace and social security earnings to stay home? How does that get factored in? And in fact, if you took all of the things a stay at home mom does all day, and factored in whatever you think the “market value” is, it would probably amount to more than 50% of her husband’s salary anyway.

This is the reason couples who are planning to marry discuss what they will do about childcare and careers. But at the same time, they understand that situations arise, despite the best planning, and they will need to work together to do what is best for their household and children.

The situation is really a lot easier than all this. Choose a spouse wisely, marry for the right reasons, and treat a marriage as it’s meant to be. Going into it expecting it to fail is going to make it fail. And placing so much importance on what’s yours isn’t going to serve you well either.

 

[BRZ]

I am sorry but your opinions on marriage are significantly flawed. If I were you, I would pray and seriously consider that you might be wrong and try to change your ways. The Church is guided by the Holy Spirit, put your faith in that and not in yourself.

 

[Katie966]

But my worst fears truly are not emotional. I’m worried about a costly divorce because it means one thing: so many lost opportunities. I’m in college right now and it has never been this hard financially. The divorce made things exponentially worse. My family was poor to begin with, and the divorce costs destroyed everything. I was not able to get my own car or do any of the things that the people around me got to do. It just makes me sick! I’m not afraid of falling in love! I’m afraid of repeating my life and not having the resources to enjoy life.

Plenty of people pay for their own college and don’t have cars. You think you are poor because your family can’t buy you a car or pay for school? Please.

I understand that your parents’ divorce has caused you a lot of pain. But being fixated on money is unhealthy.

 

[Joel_PF]

I read your post and I thank your for considering what I said. But my worst fears truly are not emotional. I’m worried about a costly divorce because it means one thing: so many lost opportunities. I’m in college right now and it has never been this hard financially. The divorce made things exponentially worse. My family was poor to begin with, and the divorce costs destroyed everything. I was not able to get my own car or do any of the things that the people around me got to do. It just makes me sick! I’m not afraid of falling in love! I’m afraid of repeating my life and not having the resources to enjoy life.

Wow, that must be a hard situation indeed. I hope it all turns out all right; in fact, I’ll pray for it.

My parents divorce involved no money matters (in fact, my father promptly offered to keep on supporting my mother and her family financially on every thing she needs, which I think is the most dignified thing the provider must do if he can afford to). Still, it sucks big time.

Again, I have only one point to make to you: you are looking at the many problems of divorce. And you are right, it is a tragedy. I still think the emotional and spiritual side is more tragic, but sure, the financial side may get very ugly too. And you know what, everyone here agrees with you: divorce is terrible. It should never happen.
But the fear of divorce should not close your eyes to the goods of marriage.

About not having the resources to enjoy life: sometimes the things we don’t have seem better than they actually are. If you had enough money to buy your own car (which is a good thing), you’d wonder at how happy the kids with private drivers, private jets and mansions are (and make no mistake: these are all good things). Often a poor person may be happier than a rich one, since he leads a more carefree and passionate life, pursuing what he really wants and not having to care for his patrimony all the time. Think about: perhaps we overvalue money.

In short, if I could give you one advice it would be don’t deny yourself the wonderful adventure of marriage for mere fear of not having enough money. If you think too much like this, you’ll become one of those for whom money, no matter how much, is NEVER enough. And these are, even when they do become rich, always sad and longing after a kind of security and fulfillment that money alone can never give.