For most of my life the word, “consolation” wasn’t in my vocabulary. I was raised Protestant, the kind where their favorite scripture was “be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect” then they defined “perfect”, and even Jesus didn’t measure up. He got a free pass because he was the Son of God.
When I became Catholic, I read a lot (my first 3 books I read before going to RCIA were a biography on St. Martin de Porres, Dark Night of the Soul and Interior Castles.) In reading Dark Night, all I could think was “been there, done that.” I read a lot of stuff about “consolations”, but still didn’t know what they meant.
About 3 months ago, I read Mother Theresa’s book, “Be My Light”, and again, I couldn’t understand what she was missing. For me, I always knew God loved me, because he said he did and he can’t lie. I never really felt it. Maybe distantly, but not anything more than his fingernail reaching out to mine, and sometimes making contact. I could feel my heart going to him, but nothing coming from him. This was true for all of my life. (I’ll be 51 in a couple of weeks.) So, yes, I understand what it’s like to not experience consolations.
I have always loved God. Always been a Christian, sometimes a better one than others. I have been, for a lot of my adult life, involved in some sort of ministry. I read my Bible, I prayed, I went to church. Even once I became a Catholic, I did those things even more, including reading a lot (everything I could get my hands on) by the Saints. So doing the “right things” was not a problem. And I guess you don’t miss what you’ve never known.
I am using the past tense here for a reason. I now know what the big deal is. I didn’t seek consolations; all I ever wanted was to be able to define it, not necessarily to have it.
The one thing, the only thing, that has mattered to me in the last 2 years especially, is getting closer to God. That’s all. All I want, wanted, whatever, is to be totally his. For me, that was a painful process (and no, I don’t think I’m there yet - or ever will be this side of the Beatific Vision). Especially a couple of months back. When you get really serious about being totally God’s, he will show you the places where you are withholding from him. Places you don’t want him to go, for whatever reason. Maybe you were abused. Maybe you were 21 and stupid. Maybe they are things you can logically say you have confessed, or logically can look at and see they are things that need to be confessed, or things that weren’t sin at all, so don’t need to be confessed. Old hurts, that sort of thing. Once I let God’s mercy touch those places, the darkness was dispelled. Now I know what consolations are. I think. It’s not some great spiritual “high”. It’s more down to earth than that. It’s not rainbows and unicorns. There are stil things that break my heart. Especially Protestants that love God, but have no idea what they are missing because they have symbols, not sacraments. Especially lapsed Catholics, who are Protestants and love God, but know just enough about Reconciliation that they may be held accountable for that knowledge at the Final Judgement. I think of Jesus on the cross, when he cries, “Why have you abandoned me?” He not only felt abandoned by his Father, he was abandoned by his closest friends, except for St. John. Those dear people love him, but they have abandoned him, and they don’t even know it. That breaks my heart. But through all of that, I still feel the reality of God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, in my heart and in my soul and in my life. I still bow in awe of the Triune God. If that’s not a consolation, I don’t know what is.
Kris
Frankly, I find that image has just as much potential for harm and unhealthiness as a life completely devoid, inside and outside, of religious spirituality.
I’m just saying that maybe the answers you’re looking for are already there and you just need to help yourself to them.