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wigglebrick
Guest
Nice. Very helpful. You single? Thought so.
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dapper
Guest
No, I am not single - engaged actually and have been together for 5 years. Communication is key here and that the OP has to first ask her husband to if she can merely have coffee with a friend is pretty sick.
In this instance though, I believe that the OP should do what she wants. She is seeing a friend, not mailing pictures of herself to an old flame and crying over a past relationship. His insecurity needs to be delt with and if he can’t get over his wife having coffee with another person, does the world have to stop for dear ol’ hubby? Absolutely not. Again, this is HIS probelm.
I am thoroughly enjoying this post!
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1ke
Guest
Well, good luck with the behavior you have recommended to yessian. I’m sure it will go over great with your husband.
Some of us believe our husbands share a voice in the household and if they are uncomfortable with something we respect that, not thumb our noses at it.
Yes, and the communication is very strained.
I do not believe that she has to ask. The point is she did ask.
Because she did ask, she cannot now disregard his answer. That will cause even more friction in their marriage.
This is all irrelevant.
Yes, they both have some serious issues.
No one said it did.
Ah, no, it is *their *problem.
Your “like it or lump it” attitude will not get you far in marriage, dear.
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dapper
Guest
Glad we agree on some things “Dear.”
Listen hun, long story short, this post is more about DH’s childish insecurity when it comes to his wife having a social life. “Like it or lump it” should quickly inspire DH to grow up and become a man instead of having to spew his insecurity all over his wife like a little boy having a hissy in the toy aisle at Sears.
It’s funny how you also find his tryst with the old flame irrelevant but “thumb your nose” at the OP and her desire to meet her gay friend. You and DH should get along famously, sweetie pie!
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1ke
Guest
This is not the crux of their problem.
I disagree that childish behavior on her part will ammend childish behavior on his part. And, “like it or lump it” is childish.
You misunderstand. The fact that the friend is “gay” and not an “old flame” is irrelevant.
I did not do any such thing.
Your sarcasm is amusing.You and DH should get along famously, sweetie pie!
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dapper
Guest
When I wrote the stuff about the old flame, I meant the DH sending pics and letters to an old girlfirend who still harbors intense feelings for DH. That is far from irrelevant here. In fact, that is totally inappropriate behavior on part of the husband. WAY MORE concerning than coffeee with a gay man!
In any event, I think we could both agree that these two have some work to do within their marriage. Communication is lacking here but there also seems to be a inflated sense of authority implied on part of the husband. At the same time, he enacts dangerous double standards on his wife (sending pics, addresses, contact info, love letters etc).That’s pretty obvious and pretty sick. I also understand that there are two sides to every coin. We are really only hearing her side which lends itself to assume she is the more rational one here when in fact we just don’t know. I’ll just leave it at that, dear.
In terms of the content of the OP, having coffee with a gay friend is not a sin or worthy of getting permission by any husband or wife. Thinking so in both cases is absurd and an antiquated approach to a relationship, let alone a marriage, IMHO.
I would hope that in the future, these two learn to trust eachother a little more. The implications being made by the OP (regarding herself and her husband) seem to suggest that they are eachothers own worst enemy. Pretty sad that having coffeee with a gay friend would shake the foundation of their marriage.
In any event, I will pray for them! Let us all pray for them and anyone else having similar marital or relationship problems!!
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yessisan
Guest
I sure didn’t mean to rattle up so many emotions from some dumb thing that went on in my marriage. I didn’t mean for people to offend each other with sarcasm. Both 1ke and dapper have good points and I welcome them both. But The 2 of you got things a bit mixed up, and I believe it’s my fault since I threw things here and there.
The woman DH was sending a letter to is a childhood friend. She was never a girlfriend of his, but she sure would’ve loved to have been. She told him she wanted to be with him. She’s a JW too and of course, the 2 families were exctatic that she was “in love” with my now husband. Of course my DH didn’t feel attracted to her at all, or so he says, but he never had a romantic relationship with this woman.
All I wanted to see is if I am right and he is wrong about the fact that it’s not wrong to have gay friends and going out with them, even though you are married. My friend is gay, so what. He’s a man, but is not interested in women, so that means, I’m ok with this guy. I don’t have any male friends except for him and my DH. DH has several female friends but he keeps away from them for my sake. The one he wrote to lives in Mexico and I’m glad she does because the day he was writing to her was 3 days after our wedding. It would’ve caused a lot of problems because I didn’t know who she was. I saw him writting a letter and when I reached to get something from the table, I saw, “Dear Millie” and saw our address and his cell phone number and home number on there. How would any woman react to this friendship she didn’t even know about? Well, the fact is that he didn’t send the darn letter because I was mad he was writing to a woman who had feelings for him.
Anthony, on the other hand is gay and has never had feelings for me. DH has met him, and he said he even liked him as a person. So, because I like to run things by him, no matter how big or small, I got punished for it, and am even being punished here on CAF. Yes, DH and I have problems, what marriage doesn’t? I know we have some problems more serious than other couples have, but we’re working on them and Retrovaille has helped immensely. So no one here knows how the communication is doing but the 2 of us and the Retro group. Everyone has ups and downs, and if DH and I didn’t I sure would be worried. Not all can be honey and candy. Conflict is a part of life and whether or not we like it, everyone has conflicts with their spouses, let it be for the toothpaste cap not being on the toothpaste tube (as a JW woman mentioned her husband did and she absolutely hated it), or because the dog ate part of the fence, or because you haven’t let go of your parents and siblings.
Now, going back to Anthony and DH and me. I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a gay friend. That’s all I was trying to get out from here. Is it wrong or is it ok to have gay male friends if you’re a married woman? DH thinks it’d cause people to talk, and I say who cares, people will talk anyway. I’m not going to live my life depending on what others will think. I’m not doing anything wrong. I never lived with anyone before marriage, I never did drugs, I never have caused moral disturbances… so why should I stay away from such a sweet person who is just a friend who happens to be a gay man?
This issue wasn’t about lack of communication in my marriage, it was about what would people say if they see me with a man other than my husband, when this man is obviously not interested in women.
The woman DH was sending a letter to is a childhood friend. She was never a girlfriend of his, but she sure would’ve loved to have been. She told him she wanted to be with him. She’s a JW too and of course, the 2 families were exctatic that she was “in love” with my now husband. Of course my DH didn’t feel attracted to her at all, or so he says, but he never had a romantic relationship with this woman.
All I wanted to see is if I am right and he is wrong about the fact that it’s not wrong to have gay friends and going out with them, even though you are married. My friend is gay, so what. He’s a man, but is not interested in women, so that means, I’m ok with this guy. I don’t have any male friends except for him and my DH. DH has several female friends but he keeps away from them for my sake. The one he wrote to lives in Mexico and I’m glad she does because the day he was writing to her was 3 days after our wedding. It would’ve caused a lot of problems because I didn’t know who she was. I saw him writting a letter and when I reached to get something from the table, I saw, “Dear Millie” and saw our address and his cell phone number and home number on there. How would any woman react to this friendship she didn’t even know about? Well, the fact is that he didn’t send the darn letter because I was mad he was writing to a woman who had feelings for him.
Anthony, on the other hand is gay and has never had feelings for me. DH has met him, and he said he even liked him as a person. So, because I like to run things by him, no matter how big or small, I got punished for it, and am even being punished here on CAF. Yes, DH and I have problems, what marriage doesn’t? I know we have some problems more serious than other couples have, but we’re working on them and Retrovaille has helped immensely. So no one here knows how the communication is doing but the 2 of us and the Retro group. Everyone has ups and downs, and if DH and I didn’t I sure would be worried. Not all can be honey and candy. Conflict is a part of life and whether or not we like it, everyone has conflicts with their spouses, let it be for the toothpaste cap not being on the toothpaste tube (as a JW woman mentioned her husband did and she absolutely hated it), or because the dog ate part of the fence, or because you haven’t let go of your parents and siblings.
Now, going back to Anthony and DH and me. I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a gay friend. That’s all I was trying to get out from here. Is it wrong or is it ok to have gay male friends if you’re a married woman? DH thinks it’d cause people to talk, and I say who cares, people will talk anyway. I’m not going to live my life depending on what others will think. I’m not doing anything wrong. I never lived with anyone before marriage, I never did drugs, I never have caused moral disturbances… so why should I stay away from such a sweet person who is just a friend who happens to be a gay man?
This issue wasn’t about lack of communication in my marriage, it was about what would people say if they see me with a man other than my husband, when this man is obviously not interested in women.
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bpbasilphx
Guest
EVERYBODY on these blogs has homosexual friends.
They just may not know yet who they are.
They just may not know yet who they are.
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dapper
Guest
Thanks for clarifying. There are no ruffled tail feathers with 1ke and myself. It was all in jest. So if I have mistakenly offended anyone, my sincerest apologies.
I am glad that you took the time to get this post back on track. I tried to do that as well in my last post because I felt that you had an important topic here. As much as it is a topic about having a homosexual friend, it also extends into the structure of marriage and you had revealed some pretty unsettling things about yours - enough to get me razzled up - but in a good way. A caring way.
In the end, I just wanted to convey that you and your husband should be able to independantly visit with friends of any sex, race, sexual orientation etc. I just don’t think that permission should be granted before you do. If that is how he feels, than you would have every right to put the breaks on this “Dear Millie” snail mail trail, right?
In terms of what everyone else thinks? Who cares? “Everyone else” should mind their own business as to who your friends are. Just because you are married does not mean you have to ditch all your friends of the opposite sex. Nor should anyone have too! If having coffee with a homosexual man is a scandal, I would invite them to open up a newspaper. There’s enough scandal in there for everyone unfortunately.
As I said before, I will pray for you and your DH. I agree with you that some couples have WAY WORSE problems than these but that does not mean I would in any way trivialize your concerns here. Not at all.
God Bless!
I am glad that you took the time to get this post back on track. I tried to do that as well in my last post because I felt that you had an important topic here. As much as it is a topic about having a homosexual friend, it also extends into the structure of marriage and you had revealed some pretty unsettling things about yours - enough to get me razzled up - but in a good way. A caring way.
In the end, I just wanted to convey that you and your husband should be able to independantly visit with friends of any sex, race, sexual orientation etc. I just don’t think that permission should be granted before you do. If that is how he feels, than you would have every right to put the breaks on this “Dear Millie” snail mail trail, right?
In terms of what everyone else thinks? Who cares? “Everyone else” should mind their own business as to who your friends are. Just because you are married does not mean you have to ditch all your friends of the opposite sex. Nor should anyone have too! If having coffee with a homosexual man is a scandal, I would invite them to open up a newspaper. There’s enough scandal in there for everyone unfortunately.
As I said before, I will pray for you and your DH. I agree with you that some couples have WAY WORSE problems than these but that does not mean I would in any way trivialize your concerns here. Not at all.
God Bless!
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yessisan
Guest
Thanks for your great posts!
You know, I don’t really believe a man can be friends with a woman, and vice versa, especially after they are married. All the guy friends I had wanted something to do with me, and the 3 guys I dated before I got married were my best guy buddies. And one of those is still after me (I married him
). That is why I don’t believe in having friends of the opposite sex. I was ok with it until I realized that most men want something more than a friendship with a woman. That is why I rather keep myself away from other men so they don’t get the wrong idea. It’s the same with my DH. And I think that’s why he was a bit worried I would go out with Anthony. Yes, he’s a man, but he’s gay.You know, I really like to get my DH’s approval on things even if it’s just to buy something small or if it’s something big as in getting a credit card or something. I like to include him in my decisions, and I would be angry at him if he went out with female friends and not tell me about it. That is something to be worried about. Even though I see Anthony as no threat, just because he’s a guy, DH might see it differently, but because he’s gay, what’s the harm? I wouldn’t go out with any guy if he were heterosexual w/o telling my husband. 1st because it’s not good in my eyes to go out with someone of the opposite sex and 2nd because what is that saying to my husband? I don’t care what you say so I’ll go out with another man?
It’s not about asking his permission. I just want him to feel included in my small decisions even when I know they won’t affect him in any way. I mean, I call him to see if it’s ok I buy myself a book to read. Why? Just because I want him to know I cherish his opinion. On the other hand… he has made financial decisions without consulting with me, and since I manage the finances at home, I know how much money comes in and out, and how much we need for bills or how much left over money we have. One day he wnet to work and sent his parents money to Mexico. His parents work, they have 2 businesses, and we really need the money right now. So, when I got to work and saw our account had a charge biger than normal, I asked him why when I got off and got home. He said he sent money to his parents. Well, when we were $1000 short of money in our account for the mortgage payment, why would anyone do such a thng? Especially when the parents didn’t really need the money like we did? That’s something I sure would’ve liked to know, especially since he had just sent them money 2 wks before that. This is just an example of what should be shared with your spouse, but I like to share more than just things like that. Am I making any sense?
Don’t think DH is demanding permission when I see my friends. In fact, he always tells me he’s worried I don’t go out with my friends. That’s another reason why I shared with him about Anthony, but I got punished for doing so since he refused to let me go, even though he came around a few hrs later. Still, after that, I don’t feel very comfortable going. I don’t want to trouble him.
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catechumen08
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I tend to agree with that. I’m perfectly okay with being friends with girls I’m not attracted to, but I’m not really capable of being just friends with girls I am attracted to. Just the way I am. Most of the time, it works out fine, but things get complicated, as in lots of drama, if a friend starts having feelings for you. It gets weird and messy after that.You know, I don’t really believe a man can be friends with a woman, and vice versa, especially after they are married. All the guy friends I had wanted something to do with me, and the 3 guys I dated before I got married were my best guy buddies. And one of those is still after me (I married him
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yessisan
Guest
My point exactly… do you think that this might be why DH is having a hard time with my wanting to see my gay guy friend? Even though he’s gay, he is a man…
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catechumen08
Guest
yessisan, I don’t know your husband, so I can’t really speak for him. If I were in his shoes, I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it, because ultimately, it’s a question of trust. Honestly, it seems to me what your husband is doing is rather a bit controlling. A big part of any relationship is based on trust. What this says to me is that your husband doesn’t trust you to do the right thing.
Just my $0.02.
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yessisan
Guest
He’s not controlling but yes, you’re right, you don’t know him. I was just asking since you’re a guy. But hey, I’m ok with it now. I might invite Anthony over to the house so DH won’t have a fit about it… of course, with DH’s consent.
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Linnyo
Guest
Hi, I am glad you got it sorted. That sounds like a good plan. Nobody will feel uncomfortable with it. Well done.
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yessisan
Guest
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catechumen08
Guest
Sorry if I offended you, yessisan. I just wrote down how I saw it from an observer’s point of view, based on the information that’s available to me in this thread. I’m glad your husband came around, but I also get the feeling that the problem isn’t limited to just this one instance.
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1ke
Guest
yessian,
It seems to me you are sending some very mixed signals to your DH.
First you say you want to include him in decisions in small little things.
But, when you did run this “small thing” by him and he said “no, I’m not comfortable with that” you throw a hissy about it and come on here asking us if it’s right or wrong and going on and on about the guy being gay.
I’m not sure what you want us to say?
In my mind the issue isn’t whether he’s a gay man or a straight man or a man from Mars. The issue is you asked your DH and he said no.
If you weren’t prepared to accept no you should not have asked. Don’t hide behind “I really like to get my DH’s approval on things even if it’s just to buy something small”.
You clearly are NOT “OK” when he says no. You seem to want a rubber stamp, not his opinion or approval.
It doens’t matter if everyone on CAF thinks it’s a stupid reason or a stupid decision-- it’s HIS decision. You cannot ask your husband for (name removed by moderator)ut and then when he gives an answer you don’t want to hear turn around and say his feelings aren’t valid.
His feelings may not be rational but they are his, they are valid.
Either respect your husband’s (name removed by moderator)ut or stop asking for it!
It seems to me you are sending some very mixed signals to your DH.
First you say you want to include him in decisions in small little things.
But, when you did run this “small thing” by him and he said “no, I’m not comfortable with that” you throw a hissy about it and come on here asking us if it’s right or wrong and going on and on about the guy being gay.
I’m not sure what you want us to say?
In my mind the issue isn’t whether he’s a gay man or a straight man or a man from Mars. The issue is you asked your DH and he said no.
If you weren’t prepared to accept no you should not have asked. Don’t hide behind “I really like to get my DH’s approval on things even if it’s just to buy something small”.
You clearly are NOT “OK” when he says no. You seem to want a rubber stamp, not his opinion or approval.
It doens’t matter if everyone on CAF thinks it’s a stupid reason or a stupid decision-- it’s HIS decision. You cannot ask your husband for (name removed by moderator)ut and then when he gives an answer you don’t want to hear turn around and say his feelings aren’t valid.
His feelings may not be rational but they are his, they are valid.
Either respect your husband’s (name removed by moderator)ut or stop asking for it!
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yessisan
Guest
No offense taken, don’t worry about that. Regarding limitations and what not, well, he’s not a monster, he’s a JW, that’s all…
(inside joke here, don’t get me wrong)… JWs are different than the rest of us. They think differently. Their POV’s revolve around the falsetower and are abit close minded on many things, but nothing too serious. I’ve been able to soften his heart and mind regarding Catholic things among many other things. He’s a good guy. He can be a sweetheart most of the time, but because JWism is a man-centered religion, and because he is Mexican, he’s afraid I’d controll him. He thought writing to a female firend who had feeling for him is ok, but it wasn’t ok for me to takl to a guy I dated when I was 18 (8 yrs ago), we only dated 3 months because we didn’t want to ruin our friendship of 3 yrs and we left it at that, but because of the fact we dated, DH freaked out and almost cancelled the wedding. But after our wedding he cango ahead and write to that woman? It’s a macho instinct Mexicans have. But other than this, he hasn’t ever told me not to speak to someone.He has told me he doesn’t really like the fact i have a female friend who is/was very promiscuous and has no problem talking to men about her sex life, or telling me explicit things about what she’s done… this is reasonable, but he has NEVER told me to stop speaking to her. Besides, that is in her past and she’s asked me to help her become Catholic. She’s a non-denominational Christian but out of nowhere, thanks to EWTN, she has become quite interested in our faith. Praise God and thanks to EWTN!
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HailMary
Guest
Psalm 1:1
Blessed is the man who hath not walked in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stood in the way of sinners, nor sat in the chair of pestilence
Blessed is the man who hath not walked in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stood in the way of sinners, nor sat in the chair of pestilence
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