Is there hope for my marriage?

[Iris30]

Yes, it is abuse. You don’t have to have bruises to be battered. There’s physical, emotional, financial, sexual,verbal, and psychological abuse. Destroying the dresser is psychological because he is showing you what he is capable of and the next time it might be you. I’m sure you got that message. Witholding affection is emotional and psychological abuse.

You come from a home where the men did the same as he. People, male and female, tend to gravitate towards what’s familiar to them. Consequently, you see it as normal when it isn’t. You don’t know normal.

Because you don’t know is the reason I suggested you talk to a counselor at battered women.

Here’s what a healthy woman does: watches her possessions get destroyed, gets the message, thinks enough of herself and gets out of there. Unhealthy stays thinking she’s special enough to fix it. And your answer from him was…“I don’t need to go to counseling.” Why should he? You’re the prize and you’re still there. He’s won.

This is hard to swallow. I feel like once you start calling it abuse then there’s no other option but to leave (at least in my understanding of how abusive situations work). And I don’t want to believe that that is the only option. I want to honor my vows to God.

 

[Iris30]

Deep breath Iris you dont need to take on the whole world tackle this situation a piece at a time.

what I want you to do now is go make yourself a cup of tea or what ever you would like.
take your bible, go outside if the weather is nice and sit… just sit and call out to God he knows whats going on, calm yourself be still and know that he is God and that you have the strength to handle this Gods promise to us is that he’ll never give us more than we can bare.

now when you are ready pick one of the things we have discussed here today in the logical order you believe they fall and work on that one thing for 28 to 40 days share this plan with your husband he can pick a task to work on at the same time.

after that time pick another task but keep up the first, you see we form habits after a 28 day period so keeping up the first will be easy just like getting dressed in the morning… work on this together, pray through this together, you have the strength I have faith in you

Thank you for your words of encouragement abominableangel.

 

[aicirt]

it is a false hood to believe the stereotype that men are always up for sex … my husband isnt, however there could be health issues at stake here, he might have a low iron count leading to tiredness etc etc maybe a check up from the doctor is called for here

as for the punching of things thats a symptom of something greater, hes under stress and hes releasing it on furniture, it can escilate to abuse if left unchecked but you still have all your options open to you right now so dont go rushing in with battered women shelters etc just yet… i think you need to calm the home life situation first before you can begin to tackle that problem … but it must be sorted that is certain.

he needs to find an better avenue for his anger find a way of calming himself down before he reaches that point of no return and the bathroom mirror gets it

Please…I am not asking her to GO to the battered woman’s shelter. I am asking her to talk to the outreach office of the battered woman’s shelter so that she can get counseling from someone who handles men who break things and punch their fist through walls.

And PLEASE…it is NOT the OPs job to calm the home life situation first. She been at this for two years.

 

[aicirt]

This is hard to swallow. I feel like once you start calling it abuse then there’s no other option but to leave (at least in my understanding of how abusive situations work). And I don’t want to believe that that is the only option. I want to honor my vows to God.

YOU have been honoring your vows to God. Your husband hasn’t. What you want is for all of this to go away. You didn’t sign up for this. Thing is YOU can’t make it better. He’s the one with the problem. You’ve been trying for two years and apparently nothing has improved. So how much more time are you willing to give this?

You already thought it could be an abusive situation. You said that in the second paragraph of your first post.

He’s a young man and he should be interested in sex with his young, attractive wife. Just being there should be enough of a turn-on for a 30 yr. old.

You want kids. If he wanted them, it would seem to follow he’d be having sex with you. So does he want them? Is he afraid of being a Dad, making that committment.

How long were you in counseling? Why did you end it?

 

[Iris30]

YOU have been honoring your vows to God. Your husband hasn’t. What you want is for all of this to go away. You didn’t sign up for this. Thing is YOU can’t make it better. He’s the one with the problem. You’ve been trying for two years and apparently nothing has improved. So how much more time are you willing to give this?

You already thought it could be an abusive situation. You said that in the second paragraph of your first post.

He’s a young man and he should be interested in sex with his young, attractive wife. Just being there should be enough of a turn-on for a 30 yr. old.

You want kids. If he wanted them, it would seem to follow he’d be having sex with you. So does he want them? Is he afraid of being a Dad, making that committment.

How long were you in counseling? Why did you end it?

Well, I don’t think it’s fair to say he’s the only one with the problem. I definitely have problems, and I definitely contributed to the problems in the marriage. It is true that I have put much more effort into trying to get to the root of these problems. He likes to be in denial and just wish things away.

We do have sex but only a few times a month. the problem I have is that he rejects me 2 out of 3 times when I initiate it, and he doesn’t initiate it much on his own. It just doesn’t seem normal and healthy. And often when he is withholding it’s in this way that makes me feel it’s a control game and that how much I’m hurting doesn’t matter.

I was in counseling myself for 6 months. I stopped going because I was doing much better and I couldn’t afford financially to keep going and going. The two of us went to a handful of marriage counseling sessions, but then we had to move and we didn’t pick it back up. He was obviously relieved to have the excuse to be off the hook, so I just dropped it.

Last night I gave him an ultimatum to find a counselor by Friday. After much hemming and hawing he agreed. We’ll see if he actually follows through or not.

 

[aicirt]

Well, I don’t think it’s fair to say he’s the only one with the problem. I definitely have problems, and I definitely contributed to the problems in the marriage. It is true that I have put much more effort into trying to get to the root of these problems. He likes to be in denial and just wish things away.

We do have sex but only a few times a month. the problem I have is that he rejects me 2 out of 3 times when I initiate it, and he doesn’t initiate it much on his own. It just doesn’t seem normal and healthy. And often when he is withholding it’s in this way that makes me feel it’s a control game and that how much I’m hurting doesn’t matter.

I was in counseling myself for 6 months. I stopped going because I was doing much better and I couldn’t afford financially to keep going and going. The two of us went to a handful of marriage counseling sessions, but then we had to move and we didn’t pick it back up. He was obviously relieved to have the excuse to be off the hook, so I just dropped it.

Last night I gave him an ultimatum to find a counselor by Friday. After much hemming and hawing he agreed. We’ll see if he actually follows through or not.

You need counseling. You too are in denial. If you cannot afford counseling, how are you going to afford a baby. Your child needs to come into a home that is healthy. Yes, it is about control, and if it mattered how much you are hurting, he’d stop. But it doesn’t matter because you still stay and take it. YOU need to do something. And one more time…sex “a few times a month” IS NOT NORMAL for your age and you are probably being generous with that number.

 

[PaulinVA]

A wise priest I know one gave a very stirring Feast of the Holy Family homily. One of the things he said (hope it was original!) was a definition for “family”.

Forget
About
Me
**I **
Love
You

It is so hard to not get what we want. It feels terrible to be rejected by the person we love. Sometimes they mean it, sometimes they don’t.

Marriage is opening ones self up to hurt and rejection. It also is opening oneself up to selfless and undying love. You guys need to jump into this with both feet, and try to work to form a “one”, a unit. You don’t need sex for that. You need to die to your selves.

 

[johndoe100]

First off, anger management counceling is very expensive, so both of you STOP right now!

Those are the exact same words my wife and I just paid $600
for a “Weekend to Remember” with Family Life.

 

[Scottishtee]

Thank you, Scottishtee. I know everything you say is true. Many times I have made a deep commitment within myself to not participate in all of this darkness. I try to pray, read, exercise, participate in the sacraments, counseling–and yet the same old demons keep coming out and that is why I’m at the point of feeling almost hopeless. I feel that even if by some miracle I get my own problems under control I don’t know if my husband ever will. He makes progress here and there but overall he seems unwilling to take a long hard look at things and get the help he needs.

Thank you so much for your prayers. It’s my only hope right now.

Iris,
You are doing many good things for yourself! I wish I could tell you that it all worked out for me, but it did not…At least not at first. I had a home that turned into the one you describe. A year after my divorce, I went to a seminar for all divorced Christians.I was broken and beat, completely exhausted and spiritually dead and empty. I was FLOORED at just how isolated I had become. They asked for a show of hands of those who felt that their church had abandoned them in their time of need. To my surprise, every hand went up. I thought I was the only one who was angry with my church. Fact is, even though I had a few sessions with my priest, I did not do what he suggested, writting him off as one who couldn’t possibly know what I was going through. Looking back…he knew alright! He knew that in a house full of craziness that my thoughts were furtile ground for satan and his empty promises! I didnt hold every thought captive as directed in 2 Cor 10-5. It took me (slow learner) years to realize that my mind had become my worst enemy! God restored my thinking and it all started with the sacraments. The changes weren’t minimal. They were transformative! You are definately in my prayers and I pray that you will harness Gods power (in surrender) to lift your spirits and give you the rest Christ promised at such times! It is not easy to be under spiritual attack AND find that quiet peace, but it IS there for the taking. In my case, I was too consumed with my grief and suffering. I became quick to anger as my mind got away from me and I lost my gratitude and became a self righteous victim. Well intentioned “friends” assured me that I was “right”. This does NOT “help”. Had I clung to the church, the sacraments and kept my thoughts in check, I would have maintained spiritual fitness sufficient to have peace and rest in the midst of calamity. If my experience can benefit you…GREAT! If not, know you will remain in my prayers Iris!

The best tools available include the sacraments and the priests role in them.
May God Bless and Protect You!.

 

[Iris30]

Iris,
You are doing many good things for yourself! I wish I could tell you that it all worked out for me, but it did not…At least not at first. I had a home that turned into the one you describe. A year after my divorce, I went to a seminar for all divorced Christians.I was broken and beat, completely exhausted and spiritually dead and empty. I was FLOORED at just how isolated I had become. They asked for a show of hands of those who felt that their church had abandoned them in their time of need. To my surprise, every hand went up. I thought I was the only one who was angry with my church. Fact is, even though I had a few sessions with my priest, I did not do what he suggested, writting him off as one who couldn’t possibly know what I was going through. Looking back…he knew alright! He knew that in a house full of craziness that my thoughts were furtile ground for satan and his empty promises! I didnt hold every thought captive as directed in 2 Cor 10-5. It took me (slow learner) years to realize that my mind had become my worst enemy! God restored my thinking and it all started with the sacraments. The changes weren’t minimal. They were transformative! You are definately in my prayers and I pray that you will harness Gods power (in surrender) to lift your spirits and give you the rest Christ promised at such times! It is not easy to be under spiritual attack AND find that quiet peace, but it IS there for the taking. In my case, I was too consumed with my grief and suffering. I became quick to anger as my mind got away from me and I lost my gratitude and became a self righteous victim. Well intentioned “friends” assured me that I was “right”. This does NOT “help”. Had I clung to the church, the sacraments and kept my thoughts in check, I would have maintained spiritual fitness sufficient to have peace and rest in the midst of calamity. If my experience can benefit you…GREAT! If not, know you will remain in my prayers Iris!

The best tools available include the sacraments and the priests role in them.
May God Bless and Protect You!.

Thank you scottish, for sharing your experience. It sounds like you really know what I’m going through. I’m trying so hard to combat satan in my own mind. I am fearful of the hold he may have on my husband though and I hope he won’t give up on the marriage.
I think you forgot to include the link you were referring to?

 

[abominableangel]

Please…I am not asking her to GO to the battered woman’s shelter. I am asking her to talk to the outreach office of the battered woman’s shelter so that she can get counseling from someone who handles men who break things and punch their fist through walls.

And PLEASE…it is NOT the OPs job to calm the home life situation first. She been at this for two years.

wanna see what you wrote

Call your local battered women’s shelter and explain the situation.

if wanted her to only go there to seek council you werent very clear, the message I recieved loud and clear was run baby run. no mention of counseling services just get to the battered womans shelter asap

AND PLEASE <<< what is this?.. it is the OPs job to calm down her house and her marriage we cant do it for her as much as we may want to …she has to do it or it wont get done and shes going to be at this til death do us part. thats a long old time God willing

marriage is a roller coaster ride just as life is … it has its highs and its lows but you have to keep on keeping on… rest if you have to but dont you ever quit.

 

[Always_For_Him]

This is hard to swallow. I feel like once you start calling it abuse then there’s no other option but to leave (at least in my understanding of how abusive situations work). And I don’t want to believe that that is the only option. I want to honor my vows to God.

Hi Iris. I really feel for you. Please know that this just isn’t about you honoring your husband, your marriage, the covenant you make with God in marriage with your husband. Your husband has to honor you and your vows too.

I know there are two sides to every story as I have not been perfect either. I bet you a lot of the “issues” you bring to the marriage are in response to the things he is doing. We all have our history, our fears, etc… that make us withdraw or react in a certain way. This is much, much more than that.

His behaviour is destroying your ability to trust him…“What is he really capable of? Will he always be able to control his anger? Will it be me someday?” and so much more. It is destroying your security. In doing so, it destroys your ability to relax, feel peace, keeps your mind busy with worry. He is not showing you by this behaviour that he LOVES YOU!!! He is not showing you that what you need matters to him.

He can’t behave the way he is behaving, then blame you for your response. That is what abusers do!!! This is abuse. You are not being heard!! You are not being considered. He is not concerned with your inner most needs. Everyone wants to be shown and treated like they matter. It has taken me many years of this similar kind of behavior to say this you.

Your husband is not in control of himself. Deep seated fears or problems are controlling him and controlling his ability to connect and have a relationship with you. (His behaviors are not normal and would present a problem in any relationship he would be in.) You cannot fix him. He needs help.

I am saying this to you because you cannot wait around for your husband to get better and keep waiting even though he won’t ever seek help because it is just going to destroy you. The you you are now. Think of the you that you were before him. Have you lost any of yourself to “keep the marriage?” His troubles are bigger than you or anything you bring to the relationship. You can’t control his choices. You can only control yours.

If he seeks help and is truly working his tail off to get better, than you stand by him and love him through this. But, if he just keeps on like this, “nothing is wrong with him”, doesn’t admit he has issues, doesn’t seek help for his issues, and keeps this up, you will lose yourself in all of this.

He is not honoring you, his marriage, his covenant, his promYou have some tough choices ahead of you. I am so sorry you are suffering through this. There is one thing I know, God is testing you. Stay strong, stand up for yourself respectfully, lean on God, never forget to love yourself.
ises to you, or his relationship with God.

So, you have to be the strong one here. He is not capable. I am not saying give up. I am saying get him to see he needs help. If he gets the help he needs, things should get better. If he doesn’t, you will destroy yourself trying to hold all of this together.

 

[Always_For_Him]

Everything you are saying makes sense, and I have thought of and tried all of these things before to some extent. The problem is that it requires me to be perfect. It takes so much patience and suffering that I only keep it up about half the time. I already have my own self-esteem and depression issues and the thought of dealing with myself and trying to heal him at the same time is totally and completely overwhelming. I’m not trying to whine, and I’m not saying I’m going to stop trying. I just feel like I’m losing steam.

I’m looking for a counselor online again now. I feel like I’ll have to be in individual counseling for the rest of my life just to help me cope with this marriage.

THIS IS ABUSE!!! Back up and really look at it!!! You are perfectly fine and should be accepted for WHO YOU ARE!!! That doesn’t mean that from time to time, we can’t be told that there is something we should improve on in a very lovingly and supportive way, but this is not that!!! You deserve to be loved and accepted for who you are! He is the one that can’t do that. If one of your friends were going through this, and you saw her husband treating her with such a lack of dignity and respect, would you tell her to stay?

Who is he to not accept you for who you are? He can complain about you all day, but his behaviors and actions seem much worse.

 

[Iris30]

Hi Iris. I really feel for you. Please know that this just isn’t about you honoring your husband, your marriage, the covenant you make with God in marriage with your husband. Your husband has to honor you and your vows too.

I know there are two sides to every story as I have not been perfect either. I bet you a lot of the “issues” you bring to the marriage are in response to the things he is doing. We all have our history, our fears, etc… that make us withdraw or react in a certain way. This is much, much more than that.

His behaviour is destroying your ability to trust him…“What is he really capable of? Will he always be able to control his anger? Will it be me someday?” and so much more. It is destroying your security. In doing so, it destroys your ability to relax, feel peace, keeps your mind busy with worry. He is not showing you by this behaviour that he LOVES YOU!!! He is not showing you that what you need matters to him.

He can’t behave the way he is behaving, then blame you for your response. That is what abusers do!!! This is abuse. You are not being heard!! You are not being considered. He is not concerned with your inner most needs. Everyone wants to be shown and treated like they matter. It has taken me many years of this similar kind of behavior to say this you.

Your husband is not in control of himself. Deep seated fears or problems are controlling him and controlling his ability to connect and have a relationship with you. (His behaviors are not normal and would present a problem in any relationship he would be in.) You cannot fix him. He needs help.

I am saying this to you because you cannot wait around for your husband to get better and keep waiting even though he won’t ever seek help because it is just going to destroy you. The you you are now. Think of the you that you were before him. Have you lost any of yourself to “keep the marriage?” His troubles are bigger than you or anything you bring to the relationship. You can’t control his choices. You can only control yours.

If he seeks help and is truly working his tail off to get better, than you stand by him and love him through this. But, if he just keeps on like this, “nothing is wrong with him”, doesn’t admit he has issues, doesn’t seek help for his issues, and keeps this up, you will lose yourself in all of this.

He is not honoring you, his marriage, his covenant, his promYou have some tough choices ahead of you. I am so sorry you are suffering through this. There is one thing I know, God is testing you. Stay strong, stand up for yourself respectfully, lean on God, never forget to love yourself.
ises to you, or his relationship with God.

So, you have to be the strong one here. He is not capable. I am not saying give up. I am saying get him to see he needs help. If he gets the help he needs, things should get better. If he doesn’t, you will destroy yourself trying to hold all of this together.

I completely understand what you are saying. I know that victims of abuse always find ways to excuse the abuser. I get it. The problem is that I am verbally abusive to him too. I scream at him when he doesn’t do what I want and I put him down in really mean ways. And he’s not the first person I’ve done this to. Therefore, it’s not possible that it’s all on him. So what do you do when you have two abusers? I have no idea.

 

[phil8888]

You can’t have two heads of household. Women are supposed to be obedient to their husbands and to take care of them. Husbands are supposed to protect and care for their wives. Stop trying to always wear the pants in the house. Don’t constantly bring up “issues” and tell him what he’s doing wrong. Just be good to him and sometimes make sacrifices.

Now if he’s being violent, that’s different.

 

[aicirt]

wanna see what you wrote

if wanted her to only go there to seek council you werent very clear, the message I recieved loud and clear was run baby run. no mention of counseling services just get to the battered womans shelter asap

AND PLEASE <<< what is this?.. it is the OPs job to calm down her house and her marriage we cant do it for her as much as we may want to …she has to do it or it wont get done and shes going to be at this til death do us part. thats a long old time God willing

marriage is a roller coaster ride just as life is … it has its highs and its lows but you have to keep on keeping on… rest if you have to but dont you ever quit.

Yes, I see "Call your battered woman’s shelter and explain the situation."

The OP is living with a person who has punched walls and broken a bureau with his fist. Picture a bureau in your home and one of the men in your family taking his fist and breaking it. That takes a lot of force to do that.

First the walls, then the bureau, what happens if he uses that force on her? This stuff escalates. (Right now, she should take a picture of the wall if it shows damage, and the broken bureau).

It is not the OPs job to calm down her house and her marriage. If she could do it, she would have in the last two years. She’s responsible for her behavior alone. He has to be responsible for his. Don’t ask her to be his therapist and her victim. She did not sign up for either.

“She going to be at this til death due us part and that’s a long time, God willing.” I hope she’s not going to have more years of this. It will be like that if she doesn’t get counseling.

The only person she can change is herself. She has to look at the situation objectively.

Call it battered women or domestic violence hotline, neither name is attractive and no one wants to think that they belong there. But they’re there for a reason. They can tell her her legal rights, what to expect, invite her in for counseling at the outreach office, refer her to counselors who are familiar with domestic violence, possibly have counseling for him.
She should also try Catholic Charities to see what it offers. Usually the counseling is free or on a sliding scale at CC.

 

[Always_For_Him]

I completely understand what you are saying. I know that victims of abuse always find ways to excuse the abuser. I get it. The problem is that I am verbally abusive to him too. I scream at him when he doesn’t do what I want and I put him down in really mean ways. And he’s not the first person I’ve done this to. Therefore, it’s not possible that it’s all on him. So what do you do when you have two abusers? I have no idea.

You have just told me that you also verbally abuse and hurt your husband. You have also admitted that you have a pattern of doing this. Iris, you can’t change anything until you own it!!! You are on your way to owning it!!! Admitting your faults, owning your behaviors, admitting wrong doing, these are the toughtest things to do!!! These things are the hardest to do admitting these things to yourself!!!

Keep owning them. While doing so, make a committment to yourself that you are going to hold yourself to a better moral character standard. You cannot treat another human being like this. Ok, he pushes your buttons. He is obviously striking you in some of your deepest fears, but the way you are going about it is never going to solve anything. This way will just create more problems, and it has.

You have hurt your husband deeply. Most likely your hurtful words have cut him deep in his most inner most fears. We all need to feel accepted. We all need to know that we will be loved for who we are, even when we show our faults or make mistakes. You haven’t been that rock for your husband and he hasn’t been yours.

Now that you know that, stop!!! Be a better you. Let the Light of Christ shine through you. Apoligize to him for all of it while naming some of it. Tell him you were coming from a selfish place and that you realize the grave sin in what you have done.

You will have to make up for it for a while. He may never be able to change. I hope he can, but you can change yourself. Be the wife he needs you to be. You never know, you might start seeing some positive changes in him.

You might have to ignore some of your needs for a while. He may not be able to give himself to you because you have hurt him so deeply he has closed down. He has to feel safe with you.

Verbal abuse is a very selfish thing. Taking your anger out on others is a very selfish thing. You don’t have the right to do that. Jesus wants us to LOVE eachother. That is not showing love. It is simple, really…

 

[Always_For_Him]

You can’t have two heads of household. Women are supposed to be obedient to their husbands and to take care of them. Husbands are supposed to protect and care for their wives. Stop trying to always wear the pants in the house. Don’t constantly bring up “issues” and tell him what he’s doing wrong. Just be good to him and sometimes make sacrifices.

Now if he’s being violent, that’s different.

Iris, phil8888 brings up a good point. Wives are supposed to be submissive. I do believe that a husband has to be good to his wife in order for her to choose to be submissive. A good marriage is a partnership. The husband cares about what the wife wants. The wife cares about what the husband wants. They consult eachother and plan and negotiate the life they want to create together. It shouldn’t feel like giving in. Women are natural givers. We usually want our husbands to protect and guide us. We also need them to consider us, what we want and need. It is a partnership! When a woman feels like she is a part of the marriage, feels like she is respected as a partner, feels heard and considered, will usually become “supportive.” Which means submissive in so many words.

 

[Iris30]

You have just told me that you also verbally abuse and hurt your husband. You have also admitted that you have a pattern of doing this. Iris, you can’t change anything until you own it!!! You are on your way to owning it!!! Admitting your faults, owning your behaviors, admitting wrong doing, these are the toughtest things to do!!! These things are the hardest to do admitting these things to yourself!!!

Keep owning them. While doing so, make a committment to yourself that you are going to hold yourself to a better moral character standard. You cannot treat another human being like this. Ok, he pushes your buttons. He is obviously striking you in some of your deepest fears, but the way you are going about it is never going to solve anything. This way will just create more problems, and it has.

You have hurt your husband deeply. Most likely your hurtful words have cut him deep in his most inner most fears. We all need to feel accepted. We all need to know that we will be loved for who we are, even when we show our faults or make mistakes. You haven’t been that rock for your husband and he hasn’t been yours.

Now that you know that, stop!!! Be a better you. Let the Light of Christ shine through you. Apoligize to him for all of it while naming some of it. Tell him you were coming from a selfish place and that you realize the grave sin in what you have done.

You will have to make up for it for a while. He may never be able to change. I hope he can, but you can change yourself. Be the wife he needs you to be. You never know, you might start seeing some positive changes in him.

You might have to ignore some of your needs for a while. He may not be able to give himself to you because you have hurt him so deeply he has closed down. He has to feel safe with you.

Verbal abuse is a very selfish thing. Taking your anger out on others is a very selfish thing. You don’t have the right to do that. Jesus wants us to LOVE eachother. That is not showing love. It is simple, really…

I do own it. I have admitted it to myself and to him multiple times. That’s why I’ve done counseling, reading, praying…any possible thing you can think of. And yet I still fall into the same old anger. I’ve made some progress along the way, but I still fall. And he still doesn’t change his ways either. This is why I started the thread–I am feeling hopeless. That’s what I’ve been trying to say the whole time. It’s BOTH of us.

It’s all well and fine to say “that’s bad, don’t do that.” It’s another thing to undo years and years of wounds and bad habits. I’m going through living hell trying to figure out what is wrong and trying to fix it.

Anyway, I found a new counselor today. I’ll be going to see her on Saturday. And praying for miracles in the meantime.

 

[Always_For_Him]

I do own it. I have admitted it to myself and to him multiple times. That’s why I’ve done counseling, reading, praying…any possible thing you can think of. And yet I still fall into the same old anger. I’ve made some progress along the way, but I still fall. And he still doesn’t change his ways either. This is why I started the thread–I am feeling hopeless. That’s what I’ve been trying to say the whole time. It’s BOTH of us.

It’s all well and fine to say “that’s bad, don’t do that.” It’s another thing to undo years and years of wounds and bad habits. I’m going through living hell trying to figure out what is wrong and trying to fix it.

Anyway, I found a new counselor today. I’ll be going to see her on Saturday. And praying for miracles in the meantime.

I don’t know everything to tell you Iris. I know that you have some deep seated habits. He triggers something in you, you respond with anger.

You have to recognize the signs. When you are starting to get angry, back up for a minute. Ask yourself why what is is saying or doing is angering you. Are you emotionally responding to something realistic or something assumed or imaginary? IE, “This dinner is awful.” You hear, “You are a horrible cook and never make a good dinner.” Or, “Boy, the house is messy today.” You hear, “You are the world’s worst housekeeper. You can’t even clean a room.”

When you examine why you are getting angry and recognize what is really happening, you can then start to change your responses. Only you can do this for yourself. You are not alone in this. Our pride and ego serve to protect us, then they take over and aren’t useful anymore.

I will write more in a bit…