Is thinking about sex with your husband sinful?

[ellam25]

Warning some kind if personal stuff below…

So I find that sometime s when my husband is at work I think about times we you know…did it…but then I wonder if this is lustful thoughts and I should t be thinking about it at all. What about wanting to have sex with him is this considered unclean thoughts? I know sex is good in a marriage but idk how far that stretches. Thanks in advance.

 

[ArielRussu]

Warning some kind if personal stuff below…

So I find that sometime s when my husband is at work I think about times we you know…did it…but then I wonder if this is lustful thoughts and I should t be thinking about it at all. What about wanting to have sex with him is this considered unclean thoughts? I know sex is good in a marriage but idk how far that stretches. Thanks in advance.

He is your husband, the only man you are with (or should be with anyway). It’s not wrong to think about him in a sexual way, within reason, if your thoughts are obsessive and you are always want sex you either have a high sex drive or a sex addiction, ones natural the other is a disorder. I mean, look at the Song of Songs! I once heard that if the Song of Songs was translated into modern language it would be very sexually explicit as parts of it are basically about a couple describing each other sexually and more than likely vaguely describing sex as well.

Plus, once your married your body is no longer your own but your husbands as well, and visa versa.

 

[EasterJoy]

From the catechism:
CCC 2351 Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.

To tell the truth, I think it is a mistake to think of lust as a “free-standing” vice. If you put your own pleasure ahead of your duties to others and the pleasure of others or even ahead of your own needs and the demands of the virtue of temperance, that is wrong-headed thinking.

Likewise, a person can hardly pursue chastity without pursuing temperance generally–that is, righteous habit by which a person governs the natural appetite for pleasures of the senses in order to subordinate those natural urges to live according to grace. (Temperance is traditionally described as a cardinal virtues served by the subordinate virtues of abstinence, chastity, and modesty.)

So, when you think of your husband, order your thinking towards your affection for him, your consideration of his needs and wants, and so on over the “what is in it for me” thinking that will always accompany such a pleasurable activity to some degree. The goal is that your automatic action will flow from your habit of thinking to serve charity and virtue. If not, you will tend to react rather than respond, and your most automatic reaction will be self-serving. That is the “default thinking” you want to weaken in favor of strengthening thoughts oriented towards virtue.

 

[E_7]

I have answered that question before somewhere else, and here is the copy & paste, just change wife for husband (as I was writing this to a male person ).

First let’s take the CCC definition on lust.”2351 Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.”

Having said that, having sexual thoughts of your wife is** NOT lustful as long as you don’t do it for self-pleasure and seeing her as an object of self-gratification**, because she is YOURS. You can think of her, she belongs to you. Your wife is not a forbidden fruit. You are not coveting nor desiring someone who is not your wife. Now, **it IS possible to purposely have lustful thoughts of your wife only by simply thinking of her as an object or woman for your self gratification, for your pleasure. **That was lust. She is your wife, yours, and it is right to desire to love her (sex is an expression of love, true sex, that is…I’ll explain soon) you want to do what God ordered us to do for the good of yourselves. .

In marriage, chastity is also required. And for this, let me explain what is sex. Sex is a sexual marital act between a man and a woman intended for the good of themselves and to procreate children. As simple as that.

Sex is NOT:

• Ordered outside of marriage. Sex outside the marital bond is not unitive, is not loving, and is not moral.
• Meant to seek self-pleasure.
• A sexual marital act where the wholeness and dignity of the person is denied by the use of contraception.

Hope this helps.

 

[chevalier]

Warning some kind if personal stuff below…

So I find that sometime s when my husband is at work I think about times we you know…did it…but then I wonder if this is lustful thoughts and I should t be thinking about it at all. What about wanting to have sex with him is this considered unclean thoughts? I know sex is good in a marriage but idk how far that stretches. Thanks in advance.

In short, marriage gives the right to have sex with one’s spouse but not a right to pleasure oneself without thoughts of sex involving one’s spouse. Looking forward to sex with one’s spouse is only natural, but allowing oneself to become lost in mental images, imaginations, basically, that would be somewhat analogous, if you pardon me for becoming a little crass, to masturbating to the picture of one’s spouse, which would decidedly not be the same as marital intercourse.

Remember, it’s about the relationship, not about oneself. Autoerotism is never okay, no matter the excuse. Some theologians differ, but I believe they are wrong.

 

[JurisPrudens]

Warning some kind if personal stuff below…

So I find that sometime s when my husband is at work I think about times we you know…did it…but then I wonder if this is lustful thoughts and I should t be thinking about it at all. What about wanting to have sex with him is this considered unclean thoughts? I know sex is good in a marriage but idk how far that stretches. Thanks in advance.

I think, thinking too much about that kind of stuff might kill the marital desire. Enjoy that You have it and pray that it remains with You for the rest of Your life together!

 

[Beryllos]

Warning some kind if personal stuff below…

So I find that sometime s when my husband is at work I think about times we you know…did it…but then I wonder if this is lustful thoughts and I should t be thinking about it at all. What about wanting to have sex with him is this considered unclean thoughts? I know sex is good in a marriage but idk how far that stretches. Thanks in advance.

That sounds normal and healthy in a happy marriage. God bless you and your husband and your relationship!

 

[Sockio]

I don’t see a problem with it. My views on sex and marriage are most likely different to others, but in my own opinion, you have the right to think like that. You are his wife. He is your husband. In the eyes of God, you are together, and you have pledged to remain with each other in Holy Matrimony, therefore you have every right to think the way you think. However, if you find yourself thinking like this every day, then I suggest arranging an appointment with your doctor as you could be suffering from a sex addiction. Alternatively, you can go to confession and confess the addiction to God himself. He would definitely appreciate that.

 

[Tarpeian_Rock]

In short, marriage gives the right to have sex with one’s spouse but not a right to pleasure oneself without thoughts of sex involving one’s spouse. Looking forward to sex with one’s spouse is only natural, but allowing oneself to become lost in mental images, imaginations, basically, that would be somewhat analogous, if you pardon me for becoming a little crass, to masturbating to the picture of one’s spouse, which would decidedly not be the same as marital intercourse.

Remember, it’s about the relationship, not about oneself. Autoerotism is never okay, no matter the excuse. Some theologians differ, but I believe they are wrong.

How ever did you get from thinking about intimacy with one’s spouse to masturbation? So if I’m away on a business trip, and looking forward to a “warm” return home, I’m guilty of some kind of “virtual” or “pseudo” auto-eroticism?

 

[pianistclare]

How ever did you get from thinking about intimacy with one’s spouse to masturbation? So if I’m away on a business trip, and looking forward to a “warm” return home, I’m guilty of some kind of “virtual” or “pseudo” auto-eroticism?

Agreed.
What a convoluted train of thought.

Anyway, to the OP:

NO.

 

[pensmama87]

That sounds normal and healthy in a happy marriage. God bless you and your husband and your relationship!

Yes, this.

A comparison I’ve heard sometimes for a woman’s libido is that it’s like a Crock-Pot. Takes a while, but once it’s hot, it’s hot. Honestly, with three kids, we basically have to schedule intimacy. That might not be super romantic on its face, but getting to look forward to it does help with the warm up!

 

[EasterJoy]

I think, thinking too much about that kind of stuff might kill the marital desire. Enjoy that You have it and pray that it remains with You for the rest of Your life together!

This. It is important to train yourself to renounce inordinate desires of any kind, but one has to be careful that attention to self of any kind doesn’t lead to a neglect of others that defeats the whole purpose of breaking self-centered desires. The evil one will also try to twist a wholesome desire to serve God wholeheartedly into a nitpicking obsession with self-perfection or an irrational fear of the All-merciful God. One of the graces of the married life is that the spouse is always there as a concrete person in need of practical instead of theoretical forms of charity.

The degree to which your spouse suffers far more from than you do from your efforts at self-renunciation can be a real wake-up call!
(This ceases to be funny if your spouse is not laughing…really. It is not at all funny when your attempts at self-renunciation make the people around you wish they could have your old self-centered self back again in place of the new version.)

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, this.

A comparison I’ve heard sometimes for a woman’s libido is that it’s like a Crock-Pot. Takes a while, but once it’s hot, it’s hot. Honestly, with three kids, we basically have to schedule intimacy. That might not be super romantic on its face, but getting to look forward to it does help with the warm up!

A crock pot…that is a good one. That analogy could take a lot of mystery out for many married couples.

 

[Nelka]

No.

 

[chevalier]

How ever did you get from thinking about intimacy with one’s spouse to masturbation? So if I’m away on a business trip, and looking forward to a “warm” return home, I’m guilty of some kind of “virtual” or “pseudo” auto-eroticism?

Like I said, looking forward to it is only natural. However, if you were to start playing out scenarios in your own head for your own gratification, then yes, that would be auto-erotic and essentially having sex with your own imagination as opposed to with your spouse.

Rememer, actively playing out fantasies in one’s head (getting actual gratification here and now) is different from simply looking forward to something (gratification in the future). Masturbating to the picture of one’s spouse would still be masturbating.

 

[SilverLight]

I think its fine to think about that and its kind of a good thing you do think about it. It means you clearly want your mate and are attracted to them. I would take that as a healthy sign.

 

[AdamP88]

No. Sex within marriage is a part of the way that spouses communicate and love one another. You can hardly be expected to seal off all thoughts of sex with your spouse into one section of your mind and only access it “when appropriate”. It’s a part of your marriage and part of your life as a married person. It seems to me that anticipation of intimate time with one’s spouse is a completely normal thing.

 

[SilverLight]

Like I said, looking forward to it is only natural. However, if you were to start playing out scenarios in your own head for your own gratification, then yes, that would be auto-erotic and essentially having sex with your own imagination as opposed to with your spouse.

Rememer, actively playing out fantasies in one’s head (getting actual gratification here and now) is different from simply looking forward to something (gratification in the future). Masturbating to the picture of one’s spouse would still be masturbating.

Is this in the rules someplace or is this a personal thing? Sorry I just don’t trust it right now.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Warning some kind if personal stuff below…

So I find that sometime s when my husband is at work I think about times we you know…did it…but then I wonder if this is lustful thoughts and I should t be thinking about it at all. What about wanting to have sex with him is this considered unclean thoughts? I know sex is good in a marriage but idk how far that stretches. Thanks in advance.

In marriage it’s all good.

The only way it could turn sinful is if those thoughts led you to mastrubation or orgasm outside of the marriage act. I don’t see either of those here.

 

[Beryllos]

chevalier;13949150:

… Remember, actively playing out fantasies in one’s head (getting actual gratification here and now) is different from simply looking forward to something (gratification in the future)…

Is this in the rules someplace or is this a personal thing? Sorry I just don’t trust it right now.

In the Catechism, we read:
2351 Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.
However, memories of sex and anticipation of sex, as described in the OP, are not “sought for itself” or “isolated,” but are closely connected to the mutual loving and giving and unitive aspects of the relationship.

As such, it is not “disordered” or “inordinate” and therefore is not “lust” according to the above definition.

Furthermore, the Catechism does not say there is anything wrong with the desire for or enjoyment of sex. In CCC 2362, we read (quoted from Pope Pius XII, in 1951):
The Creator himself . . . established that in the [generative] function, spouses should experience pleasure and enjoyment of body and spirit. Therefore, the spouses do nothing evil in seeking this pleasure and enjoyment. They accept what the Creator has intended for them. At the same time, spouses should know how to keep themselves within the limits of just moderation.
If the spouses act always with love and respect for each other (and for themselves), they should be well within the “limits of just moderation.”

It sounds like you are doing great. May the Lord continue to bless you and your husband and your marriage!