Is this normal....

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mommie

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Hello, I’m a long time lurker, and am trying to muster up the courage to get some advice.

I’m married, I have 3 children. I think I might be the victim of emotional abuse. I must not be very smart if I don’t know for sure.😦

The sad part is that he seems to be a very nice man on the surface, he goes to Mass, he prays the rosary.

I guess I’ll give some examples of emotional abuse.

He criticizes everything I do. Nothing is good enough. If I scold my oldest son, he is right there to defend him.

He’s called me bad words in the past, (I know you aren’t supposed to bring up the past, but I figured no one has ever called me these things, it must be bad if your husband calls you these things)

Since our baby has been born, about 15 months ago he’s slept on the couch 80% of the time. I had given him the benefit of the doubt, that he needed his sleep. Yesterday during an argument, he said that the reason he does is because I annoy him.

These past 3 weekends we have argued pretty badly.

Yesterday was the worst. The baby had been sick this past week. He has a bad upper respiratory infection. I spent 3 nights awake with the sick baby in a row, with just a few hours sleep.

Given, I’m not the most meticulous housekeeper, I have really lost any will to keep up with it because I’m in zombie mode most of the time, no one helps and taking care of the kids is really hard for me.

He started criticizing the refrigerator needed cleaning. He told me that I don’t know how to do these things, because it’s my mom’s fault for not teaching me. He said I was a negligent mother, because the fridge needed cleaning. I was hurt and angry, when I tried to defend myself, he said I was mentally ill.

I feel desperate, I’ve told him various times that I can’t go on like this…he’s made threats on how if I leave I wouldn’t get much child support, or if I leave he’d keep it in court for 5 years.

Maybe i am mentally ill…:(, as I type I’m crying.

In almost 13 years of marriage, he’s done the laundry maybe 3 times. He’s prepared dinner a handful of times. Once when I had to work late and wasn’t home until 8, once after a miscarriage, I don’t remember anymore times.

I’ve had two miscarriages. The second one came after a fight with him. He wanted his friend to come over, I had just gotten a positive pregnancy test. I was worried, because the pregnancy prior to that one ended in miscarriage. I wasn’t up for it. He fought with me, that I was too concerned about myself, that pregnancy wasn’t such a big deal, women were designed to give birth in a field. He then invited his mother to come to clean the house, because I wasn’t capable to. when his friend came, his mother acted as hostess.

I’m just so tired of pretending in front of everyone that we are normal. This can’t be normal…

I feel so ashamed.😦 I have other stories as well, that I’ve told no one. I’m supposed to forgive. I know that…but deep down I think I made a mistake marrying him.

Thanks for reading. I’d appreciate any advice or prayers.
 
You do not deserve to be treated that way. I am so sorry this man does not appreciate you and is constantly on your case about things he should be helping you with.

If I were you, I would talk to your priest. It may do good to go with out your husband because you need someone to talk to about this candidly. If your husband went with you, he would probably trivialize you and at this point that’s the last thing you need.

My heart broke reading your post. I couldn’t imagine living like that. You are most certainly not crazy and I am SO sorry you husband has convinced you otherwise.
 
Hello. No, this behavior is not normal, this is coming from a new member, so I am no expert. But your husband is treating you awful. You should not have to live like this. I don’t know what advice to give you. I find that if I really pray to the Holy Spirit that helps. Plus, pray for your husband to feel the Holy Spirit. He is not feeling it now, although he is going through the motions. Like going to church and praying the Rosary. He must not be doing these things with the right frame of mind.

He has to also ask for the Holy Spirit to come to him. That is the hard part.

I will keep you in my prayers, and I hope you have a good day today. I pray that you feel some sense of peace today. I know all that work around the house is always there and you are exhausted. I will pray for you.
 
Certainly do not put up with this behavior. I wouldn’t leave him over it, but I would put him right on a few key areas.
First of all, the housecleaning. My husband was military and everything had to be just so. He loved (and still loves) an immaculate house. With four children, it is pretty hard to get everything done, so I hired a parttime housekeeper. Yes, it cost money and we ate beans and rice, and gardened, and cut back on everything else, but boy was it worth it. My husband first refused but I informed him that either he could start helping more or we could hire a maid. He chose the maid. I actually paid for her though! But was my house ever clean!
Next, his criticisms. Please do not curl up in a little ball and allow him to criticise you, especially in front of people. Don’t be a door mat. Stand up to him. You’re supposed to be cherished and loved, not crushed into obedience. Don’t let him get away with this. SAY something. When he says something cruel, tell him to speak to you with respect or not at all.
As far as sleeping on the couch, I’d let him!
Husbands are hard to handle sometimes, but keep at it, and keep your dignity, too. Remember to pray for your husband every single day. Remember what it was like when you first fell in love, and keep that picture in your mind. Your husband is still that man, but sounds like he is just being a jerk right now. I recommend “The Care and Feeding of Husbands” which is a great book.
I’ll pray for you guys!
 
mommie said:
I feel so ashamed.😦 I have other stories as well, that I’ve told no one.
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This is a very telling sign. Do you have a support system of friends and/or family? Keeping quiet is the worst thing you can do for you own self-esteem. It is imperative that you become able to and eventually comfortable telling other people about what is going on in your life.

Posting here is a great first step!!!

Please keep up the good work by telling this to someone in real life–a friend, a relative, a priest, a counselor, a domestic abuse hotline, whatever, …

You are in my prayers. 🙂
 
mommie said:
Hello, I’m a long time lurker, and am trying to muster up the courage to get some advice.

I’m married, I have 3 children. I think I might be the victim of emotional abuse. I must not be very smart if I don’t know for sure.😦

The sad part is that he seems to be a very nice man on the surface, he goes to Mass, he prays the rosary.

I guess I’ll give some examples of emotional abuse.

He criticizes everything I do. Nothing is good enough. If I scold my oldest son, he is right there to defend him.

He’s called me bad words in the past, (I know you aren’t supposed to bring up the past, but I figured no one has ever called me these things, it must be bad if your husband calls you these things)

Since our baby has been born, about 15 months ago he’s slept on the couch 80% of the time. I had given him the benefit of the doubt, that he needed his sleep. Yesterday during an argument, he said that the reason he does is because I annoy him.

These past 3 weekends we have argued pretty badly.

Yesterday was the worst. The baby had been sick this past week. He has a bad upper respiratory infection. I spent 3 nights awake with the sick baby in a row, with just a few hours sleep.

Given, I’m not the most meticulous housekeeper, I have really lost any will to keep up with it because I’m in zombie mode most of the time, no one helps and taking care of the kids is really hard for me.

He started criticizing the refrigerator needed cleaning. He told me that I don’t know how to do these things, because it’s my mom’s fault for not teaching me. ** He said I was a negligent mother, because the fridge needed cleaning. ** I was hurt and angry, when I tried to defend myself, he said I was mentally ill.

I feel desperate, I’ve told him various times that I can’t go on like this…he’s made threats on how if I leave I wouldn’t get much child support, or if I leave he’d keep it in court for 5 years.

Maybe i am mentally ill…:(, as I type I’m crying.

In almost 13 years of marriage, he’s done the laundry maybe 3 times. He’s prepared dinner a handful of times. Once when I had to work late and wasn’t home until 8, once after a miscarriage, I don’t remember anymore times.

I’ve had two miscarriages. The second one came after a fight with him. He wanted his friend to come over, I had just gotten a positive pregnancy test. I was worried, because the pregnancy prior to that one ended in miscarriage. I wasn’t up for it. He fought with me, that I was too concerned about myself, that pregnancy wasn’t such a big deal, women were designed to give birth in a field. He then invited his mother to come to clean the house, because I wasn’t capable to. when his friend came, his mother acted as hostess.

I’m just so tired of pretending in front of everyone that we are normal. This can’t be normal…

I feel so ashamed.😦 I have other stories as well, that I’ve told no one. I’m supposed to forgive. I know that…but deep down I think I made a mistake marrying him.

Thanks for reading. I’d appreciate any advice or prayers.
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You’re a negligent mother because the FRIDGE isn’t clean? Good grief, if he’s unhappy with the fridge, tell him to clean it, and hand him the soapy bucket and cleaning rag, because you have been up for THREE nights in a row being a GOOD mother by taking care of the BABY. Fridges don’t have mothers, but children do. Sick kids need their moms, not slightly spotty fridges.

If housework is so important to him, ask him why he isn’t cleaning it?

If you are working outside the home, then he needs to step up and help with household chores, period. Otherwise, you are working the double shift of full time outside and full time inside.

I have three kids and a run-away ex spouse. My household cleaning standards have dropped a notch or two because I work full time and parent full time. Cleaning full time isn’t a option. My kids are loved and taken care of and that is what matters.

Maybe Retrouvaille is in order. Sleeping on the couch and criticizing you constantly is NOT how husbands are supposed to treat their wives. You are not stupid, but he is being cruel.
 
The way you’re feeling is very normal. No matter how smart you are, one common result of emotional abuse is a loss of self-assurance. The abused lose faith in their own sense of things. Physicians and lawyers, male and female, have gone through the same thing you’re experiencing. All it takes is the unwitting decision to accept the possibility that abusive talk may really be honest constructive criticism simply because the abuse comes from your spouse. Put anyone you know in your situation with their spouse. It does not matter at all that you are less than perfect, does it? A mature and loving discussion of legitimate issues is not what you’ve been getting, is it? The truth is, you wouldn’t wish what you’ve been getting on an enemy, no matter how bad her house looks.

The way you’re being treated, while far from uncommon, is not normal: it does not meet any civilized norm of communication between spouses, let alone a loving one. If left to go on, either you, your marriage or both is going to end up in ruins. It does not do any good to assign blame, but the situation needs to be changed. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your children. They need to know that this is not a tolerable state of affairs.

Talk to your pastor, and find yourself a counsellor. One counsellor is not the same as another, but sometimes there is some trial and error involved in finding the right one. If the first counsellor doesn’t work out, find another. This can be hard to do when your self-confidence has been undermined, particularly if your spouse doesn’t want to stop his habit of placing all the blame on you. Even though this could be what saves your marriage in the end, your spouse is very likely to fight tooth and nail against your response to his abuse. You will need an ally whose opinion you respect even more than your husband’s. Ask your pastor if you can use him to help you keep on track with finding counselling that will help you. (Do not be surprised if your spouse’s admiration of your pastor drops in direct relation to the degree your pastor helps you in this. If he starts criticizing him, too, don’t be surprised, and don’t be deterred.)

As a postscript, although your husband’s treatment of you prior to your miscarriage was unconscionable, it isn’t medically likely that your miscarriage was the direct result of his misbehavior. That doesn’t mean that it isn’t entirely normal for the memory of his treatment of you to add to your grief over the miscarriage, just that the miscarriage itself is unlikely to have been his fault. This is the kind of thing that counselling can help you to sort out.

The best of luck to you, and may God be with you in it all.
 
You are not mentally ill, you may be depressed but not mentally ill. It sounds to me like your husband needs to chill out and take a crash course on how to be a real man and devoted husband and father. i am not saying i am perfect, my mother’s life seems to have a story parralell to yours, my dad goes through phases where he is supportive and then goes to being a jerk, and so do i (although when i am a jerk i dont think i near as bad as my dad). all in all i think you maby should stand up to him (if he shows any signs of being physically abusive dont i wouldent want you to get hit) and tell him what is going on in your mind and ask him to be supportive… i am young an ignorant and my heart goes out to you and i honestly wish there was a way i could consol you more, i will keep you in my prayers :console:
 
This is NOT normal. You are a victim of abuse.

You say:
This can’t be normal…
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And you are correct, but the first person you must convince of this is YOURSELF

For starters: STOP feeling ashamed, you have nothing to be ashamed of, sure - you may have minor flaws; but trust me - if you have as much patience as it comes across to me - you are certainly a better person than me!

Secondly, you should not be subjecting yourself, or your children to this; you have to talk to him at some point – and if he does not listen you should set an example in actions. It is neither safe nor sensible to be around him if he is behaving like this, your submission just feeds into his behaviour and justifys it - by going along with it, it is becoming “normal” to you and him.

But Firstly, you should speak to your Priest, and explain the situation! With greater details I am sure he will have dealt with these sort of problems before, and will be able to offer a practical solution!

I can only offer you my sincerist hope that you will be able to resolve this and be able to repair your family and move forward - remember that forgiveness has great power!
 
Dear mommie,
I am so sorry to hear all the pain in your “voice.” Your love for your husband and your family shows through your words. It does sound to me like emotional abuse is in the picture because you are doubting yourself, and your sanity. I think posting is an excellent way to get some outside feedback. In addition, I would recommend talking to a priest. They are often most knowledgeable about the best way to handle difficult situations effectively. Also, continue praying for yourself and your family, and be comforted that you are being watched over. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. May God bless you and bring you peace.
 
Everything you describe would be regarded as standard behavior of an abusive and controlling spouse. The library has an excellent book you may find extremely useful to help you sort out and deal with your situation and your husband:
Controlling People: How To Recognize, Understand, And Deal With People Who Try To Control You by Patricia Evans
Give it a look and you will see that this is a very pervasive problem in society, and that you are not alone. It will provide you with concrete suggestions, serious help, and thorough understanding.of what has been going on.
 
Everything you describe would be regarded as standard behavior of an abusive and controlling spouse. The library has an excellent book you may find extremely useful to help you sort out and deal with your situation and your husband:
Controlling People: How To Recognize, Understand, And Deal With People Who Try To Control You by Patricia Evans
Give it a look and you will see that this is a very pervasive problem in society, and that you are not alone. It will provide you with concrete suggestions, serious help, and thorough understanding.of what has been going on.
 
Online advice about this sort of thing is pretty useless. People who only see your side of the story are likely to think you are the good guy and your husband is the bad guy, no matter what is actually going on. Seek professional counselling, with your husband if he agrees, or on your own.
 
It sounds like emotional abuse.

By the way, don’t listen to what your husband says about child support. Consult a lawyer. I don’t know where you live, but for example in Canada where I live if a couple divorces and the woman keeps the children (and she has say 3 of them), the guideline is for her to get about 65% of the family income (which means if the man is the only one working, she’d be entitled to 65% of the income). The actual numbers would differ depending on the number of children, on whether the woman is the primary caretaker, on whether the woman herself works.

Those are alimony guidelines by the way.

So I wouldn’t listen to anything he says on the matter, but either talk to a lawyer or research it yourself.

But in the mean time you should just stand up to him. If he tells you the fridge is dirty, tell him he has 2 hands and where the soap is. In my personal experience with people who treated me badly, I pushed back very hard and made sure there were very, very unpleasant consequences for them if they chose to talk to me in a wrong way. It worked.

I mean, I know it sounds extreme. But if someone picked on me about the fridge, I would have thrown everything out of the fridge onto the floor and gone to bed. Next time the person would think twice about telling me to clean a fridge.
 
From what you’ve written here, it sounds like you’re depressed, and he’s a bully.

Has he always been like this?

Really, the only way to solve the problem is through counseling.
 
Ponyguy said:
If he treats you this way, how did you ever have three children? :rolleyes:
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There are plenty of people who are “only abusive on occasion”, and who seem quite reasonable and even loving and romantic when they don’t happen to be frustrated at the moment. Those are the ones who are most likely to manage to get married.
 
Nawwww darling don’t blame yourself!!! 🙂

I know this might me hard to do, but everytime he says something to hurt you, imagine that he is saying something positive! If you surround yourself with good people, you have a better chance of becoming ‘good’ yourself.

Perservere and stay strong. Pray to God for strength and draw faith in your abilities as a loving mother and blessed child of God 🙂
He is always there for you, it may seem hard now, but God works in His own time… the right time. Please be strong. Know that there are people around the world thinking of you and praying for you! 🙂

Try to remind him and yourself of the reasons why you married him. Write him a letter with all the things you love about him, and explain how miuch you miss that person. Tell him that you will be waiting when he turns up again. True love never dies 🙂

God bless you and your family xx
 
I am so glad you came here for support.
The suggestions of speaking to a priest about this is probably the #1 advice I’d recommend.
I recently got out of an emotionally abusive situation, and I, like you, didn’t realize it was abuse until I actually started talking about it. Just saying what was going on out loud helped me realize how abusive things were.
I started to read in books and online about verbal and emotional abuse, which lead me to articles on narcissism, which described my husband to a T.
He refused to try anything what so ever to try to salvage the relationship. When I tried to let him know how hurt I was, he mocked me. No matter how hard I tried, I could never make him happy.
I’ve been away from the situation for a while now, and have been feeling much more at peace. It’s wonderful being away from the negativity and constant criticism. Hey, I can go a whole day now without doing anything wrong 🙂
Yes, I gave up a lot of material things, but it got to the point that it didn’t matter any more.
Of course no one can or should make decisions for you. My situation was different as my children are grown now, and maybe your husband will be willing to work things out.
I had to accept that I couldn’t take his free will away, even God won’t do that. But someone pointed out that I wasn’t sanctifying him by allowing him to abuse me.
Take care and know you’re in my prayers…
 
No, it’s not normal and it is really hard to see things as they truly are when you are living that way every day for years on end. How often do you get to see family or friends?

I would definitely recommend that you see your priest and then a counselor. Probably at this point I would recommend individual counseling for you before you get into marriage counseling. Individual counseling is so important because it will give you the strength and support that you will need to take on these problems and it will help you find your voice to tell your husband that what he is doing is completely unacceptable.
 
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