Is this normal?

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Angela77

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Hi,

I’m a 19 year old girl. Is it normal that I still feel like sex sounds unpleasant (and even a little scary)? Am I supposed to find it appealing? I feel like a might be called to marriage…but is this a sign that I’m not? I mean, eternal virginity doesn’t sound unappealing to me either. Do these feelings about sex change when you meet a guy who you REALLY REALLY like and trust?

I guess I ask this because I know a LOT of my peers are hooking up. I would never hook up—that’s immoral. But the fact that my peers hook up implies that they find sex appealing. Am I the odd one out?
 
Angela, it isn’t so odd that you would feel that way at this time of your life.
Clinically and objectively the sex act can seem…
However in a good, loving Catholic marriage you can see another perspective when the time comes.

Your friends aren’t necessarily ‘hooking’ up for sex. They’re looking for love and companionship, and they perhaps engage in sexual activity willingly or reluctantly (because they think it’s expected or the way to hang on to a boyfriend).

You’re right not to rush into friendships until you are ready, and hopefully you will do so as a good Catholic, saving sex until marriage, but hopefully when the right man, please God a good, kind, responsible Catholic man, you may feel more attracted to marital relations.

God bless you now and always,
Trishie
 
I don’t think this is strange. When I was your age I felt exactly the same way. And I had friends who felt the same way too.

I bet that most young women find it scary and would rather not do it, but feel pressured by their boyfriends.
 
I completely agree with Trishie. You are not unusual, you are probably more in tune with your feelings than many other girls. As she points out, they are looking for someone to love them and think they will find it in sex. Promiscuous girls are much more at risk of depression than those who wait for marriage; subconsciously they know they are allowing themselves to be used.
Hopefully you will meet someone you really respect and who loves you, and your perspective will change. I have observed that there is nothing sexier than holiness. Maybe I should say, more appealing than holiness. I hope you will find a man who exemplifies all the virtues.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
I don’t think this is strange. When I was your age I felt exactly the same way. And I had friends who felt the same way too.

I bet that most young women find it scary and would rather not do it, but feel pressured by their boyfriends.
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I would really doubt that. Women do have sex drives, often ones that are quite high. Even the women who don’t have sex want to (just look around the chastity threads).

This is why as a teen and young adult I could never take the abstinence message seriously. It was just patronizing. “You don’t want sex, you want a man to make you feel like…” Uh no, I wanted sex. So did most women I know. It feels good, and our bodies let us know that long before we become sexually active.

Sexually mature members of any species are going to have a sex drive. It’s normal and healthy.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I would really doubt that. Women do have sex drives, often ones that are quite high. Even the women who don’t have sex want to (just look around the chastity threads).

This is why as a teen and young adult I could never take the abstinence message seriously. It was just patronizing. “You don’t want sex, you want a man to make you feel like…” Uh no, I wanted sex. So did most women I know. It feels good, and our bodies let us know that long before we become sexually active.

Sexually mature members of any species are going to have a sex drive. It’s normal and healthy.
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Some felt as you do, some of us didn’t. That is your experience, but we must also not generalize about people. Yes there are those who post about their sexual problems here, and more males than females, but a great many do not, and it isn’t just because they’re private regarding their lives!

Girls, women, also do primarily seek relationships because of their loneliness, their desire to have children (which is not the same as wanting sex, a means to an end, not an end in itself for some), and their desire to find a caring and affectionate relationship,
It can also be due to a sense of peer pressure, a desire not to be left behind by those engaging in relationships.

Some of us feel quite pressured if a male wants to impose sex into the friendship.
It’s horrible to be made to feel unkind because you find no attraction in being pressured.
And some boys and men try this on so quickly that all the girl can do is move on if she is not too cowed. Some girls just cave, not because they want to, but because it’s the price they feel they must pay.

However it can be nice just to have male kindness, company, friendship and respect.

For those with a high sex drive it may be difficult to understand that not everyone, not every woman is highly motivated by sexual drives.
 
AussieTrish said:
Some felt as you do, some of us didn’t. That is your experience, but we must also not generalize about people. Yes there are those who post about their sexual problems here, and more males than females, but a great many do not, and it isn’t just because they’re private regarding their lives!

Girls, women, also do primarily seek relationships because of their loneliness, their desire to have children (which is not the same as wanting sex, a means to an end, not an end in itself for some), and their desire to find a caring and affectionate relationship,
It can also be due to a sense of peer pressure, a desire not to be left behind by those engaging in relationships.

Some of us feel quite pressured if a male wants to impose sex into the friendship.
It’s horrible to be made to feel unkind because you find no attraction in being pressured.
And some boys and men try this on so quickly that all the girl can do is move on if she is not too cowed. Some girls just cave, not because they want to, but because it’s the price they feel they must pay.

However it can be nice just to have male kindness, company, friendship and respect.

For those with a high sex drive it may be difficult to understand that not everyone, not every woman is highly motivated by sexual drives.
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:eek: You seem to have a very low opinion of women with high sex drives. Since when do women with high sex drives (or men for that matter) start relationships out of sexual motivation? I too have felt very pressured for sex from men I had no interest in. That’s a pretty typical experience. Just because a woman has a high sex drive doesn’t mean that she says yes to everyone! (Or even anyone!).
 
BlueEyedLady said:
:eek: You seem to have a very low opinion of women with high sex drives. Since when do women with high sex drives (or men for that matter) start relationships out of sexual motivation? I too have felt very pressured for sex from men I had no interest in. That’s a pretty typical experience. Just because a woman has a high sex drive doesn’t mean that she says yes to everyone! (Or even anyone!).
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No I don’t have a low opinion, the intentions was to indicate that not all do have a high sex drive, a point which you appeared not to acknowledge, or to acknowledge as valid, or at least, mature. I was making the case for females with a low sex drive, just as you did for women with high sex drives! I know for a fact that I was speaking for a proportion of women.

I certainly didn’t say that women with high sex drives go with anyone who pressures them
It wasn’t suggested in my post at all. When I spoke of some girls who cave out of pressure, I was speaking of those who don’t have a high sex drive, and not of those who do.

You perhaps read quickly, and made a false assumption! I forgive you! 🙂

As you see from some of the other responses, a lower sex drive does exist. You seemed to be criticizing those who don’t have a high sex drive so I was trying to show the balance for those who do not. The OP at this stage of life does need to feel she isn’t strange but that she is understood.

I regret that you feel offended.
 
BlueEyedLady, I regret that you are offended
You perhaps read quickly, and you made a false assumption!

No I don’t have a low opinion nor did I say that highly sexed women rush into sexual relationships!

My intention was to indicate that not all women, (immature or mature) do have a high sex drive, a point which you appeared not to acknowledge, or to acknowledge as valid, or at least, mature. And it’s not unnatural if it is natural to these women. Even in the animal world, there is variation of intensity.

I was making the case for females with a low sex drive, just as you did for women with high sex drives! I know for a fact that I was speaking for a proportion of women.

I certainly didn’t say that women with high sex drives go with anyone who pressures them
It wasn’t suggested in my post at all. When I spoke of some girls who cave out of pressure, I was speaking of those who don’t have a high sex drive, and not of those who do.

As you see from some of the other responses, a lower sex drive does exist. You seemed to be criticizing those who don’t have a high sex drive so I was trying to show the balance for those who do not. The OP at this stage of life does need to feel she isn’t strange but that she is understood.

There actually was no need to be offended as I wasn’t speaking of or inferring anything regarding highly sexed women. I hope you feel reassured that there was no criticism of women with high sex drives or of yourself . People are as they are.
 
Angela, I used to feel the same way. It’s just as normal and I don’t think it necessarily means you’re called to religious life. Definitely continue to discern your vocation if you’re unsure, but nervousness/apprehension about sex is not an automatic sign of a vocation to become a religious. You could even choose to look at it as a blessing that you aren’t as tempted by our over-sexualized culture. Stay strong and don’t let yourself be pressured or made to feel “weird!”
 
It’s not abnormal, the mechanics of sex can be pretty scary and gross to think about.

As the above poster said, do continue to discern your vocation, staying open to all options until one makes itself clearly known.

I recall being a teen and feeling much as you do, but then I met my husband and love, and a desire to be one with him and have a family made me feel very differently.

We went on to have three children and a healthy active sex life.

Not feeling a strong sexual urge is not alone an indication of whether or not one is called to the celibate, single or married life. There are so many factors involved.

I think it’s great that you consider these things seriously and seek help when confused, and don’t let yourself be swayed by what everyone else is doing.
 
Thank you for all the fantastic replies! I feel much better now! 😃
 
Angela77 said:
Hi,

I’m a 19 year old girl. Is it normal that I still feel like sex sounds unpleasant (and even a little scary)? Am I supposed to find it appealing? I feel like a might be called to marriage…but is this a sign that I’m not? I mean, eternal virginity doesn’t sound unappealing to me either. Do these feelings about sex change when you meet a guy who you REALLY REALLY like and trust?

I guess I ask this because I know a LOT of my peers are hooking up. I would never hook up—that’s immoral. But the fact that my peers hook up implies that they find sex appealing. Am I the odd one out?
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Angela, I felt this way also when I was your age! I did feel attracted to guys and the idea of kissing… but the idea of sex seemed somehow animalistic and unappealing. I didn’t have sex until my wedding night and even then it just seemed base in a way.

It gradually becomes part of the bond of spouses as you get to know each other more intimately and grow together.

More so these days than 50 years ago, sex has become a part of every romantic relationship that a people have and lust plays a big part in desire and expectation. Many people don’t even imagine that they could conduct a romance without sex anymore and see chastity as a kind of repression. But safeguarding your virginity and giving sex the important value of being a marital pleasure alone, affirms godly values within yourself and as an example to others.

Please don’t feel like the odd one out. You are NOT. 🙂
 
Angela77 said:
I’m a 19 year old girl. Is it normal that I still feel like sex sounds unpleasant (and even a little scary)? Am I supposed to find it appealing? I feel like a might be called to marriage…but is this a sign that I’m not? I mean, eternal virginity doesn’t sound unappealing to me either. Do these feelings about sex change when you meet a guy who you REALLY REALLY like and trust?

I guess I ask this because I know a LOT of my peers are hooking up. I would never hook up—that’s immoral. But the fact that my peers hook up implies that they find sex appealing. Am I the odd one out?
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Here’s a surprise perspective from a very pervy guy: No view of sex is ‘normal’ for everybody.

I’ve had gals and their gay BFFs consider my costume fetishes wholly deviant. They’d say the same thing about your idea of eternal virginity. And yet, here we both are on opposite ends of sexual morality. We wouldn’t consider each other ‘normal’ by our own standards either. Lulz.

My advice? Stop worrying about being ‘normal.’ Just don’t care. Maybe you haven’t fallen in love. Maybe you just haven’t seen a guy that triggers your hormones. In any case, worrying about being ‘normal’ regarding sex when a lot of people have anything but normal ideas about it is just ironic.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I would really doubt that. Women do have sex drives, often ones that are quite high. Even the women who don’t have sex want to (just look around the chastity threads).

This is why as a teen and young adult I could never take the abstinence message seriously. It was just patronizing. “You don’t want sex, you want a man to make you feel like…” Uh no, I wanted sex. So did most women I know. It feels good, and our bodies let us know that long before we become sexually active.

Sexually mature members of any species are going to have a sex drive. It’s normal and healthy.
Click to expand...
I would be careful with generalizing. Sex drives vary enormously. My wife tells me she has never, prior to marriage, felt a “need” or desire to have sex. Never masturbated nor felt tempted to do so. In the marital setting, the situation evolves, and we enjoy a full sex life. But it is not in her makeup to feel the “need” for sex in the sense you have described.
 
Rau said:
I would be careful with generalizing. Sex drives vary enormously. My wife tells me she has never, prior to marriage, felt a “need” or desire to have sex. Never masturbated nor felt tempted to do so. In the marital setting, the situation evolves, and we enjoy a full sex life. But it is not in her makeup to feel the “need” for sex in the sense you have described.
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I tend to be somewhere between BlueEyedLady and the rest of you.

Yes, sex drive does vary, although I think that most teenaged girls have a fairly high sex drive/libido because that’s the way God makes women. This is part of His plan for the world to continue and babies to be born. In this day and age, the popular media seem to be insisting that women wait until they are in their 30s to get married, and even longer to have children, but this isn’t the best way to procreate because a women’s fertility diminishes with age, and generally is at its peak at age 18 (approximately the OP’s age). So for this godly reason, I think most young women feel a desire for sex which will lead to pregnancy and babies.

What concerns me is the possibility that a woman with low sex drive/libido may have abnormally low levels of various hormones. This is not a good thing, because many body functions depends on the levels of hormones. (e.g., building strong bones–very important in females). I think the OP should consider speaking with her family doctor. There may be other health issues that she is not associating with her low sex drive.

I would ask the OP to be honest in her assessment of her general health, and consider a visit to the doctor if she feels that there may be a hormone imbalance.

However, I do recognize that perhaps the reason the OP has little interest in sex is that she has great interest in many other things; e.g., sports, arts, school, work, family projects, etc. One of the suggestions that can really help young men to stop masturbating is to get BUSY doing things, especially rigorous sports or some other rigorous physical activity (baling hay comes to mind!), and “sublimate” the libido by focusing on these other activities. Perhaps the OP is doing this, and of course has no interest in sex.

If this is the case, it’s wonderful! Most young people should be this way!

OP, if this is what you’re doing, then be assured that when you meet a man that is a good potential husband for you, that you will feel desire for him (not just for sex).

Now if you DON’T feel desire for him and continue to find the idea of sex uninteresting or even distasteful, I highly recommend a trip to the doctor and possibly a trip to a counselor. Sexual activity is a good part of normal marriages. Over and over, men post threads here on CAF about wives who refuse to have sex with them because “they’re not interested,” or worse, “they find sex disgusting.” This is incredibly difficult for a man, who generally feels loved when he is having sex (men are different from women–women generally have sex because they feel loved). Please get this fixed BEFORE you get married. It’s not fair to the man.
 
Cat said:
I tend to be somewhere between BlueEyedLady and the rest of you.

Yes, sex drive does vary, although I think that most teenaged girls have a fairly high sex drive/libido because that’s the way God makes women. This is part of His plan for the world to continue and babies to be born. In this day and age, the popular media seem to be insisting that women wait until they are in their 30s to get married, and even longer to have children, but this isn’t the best way to procreate because a women’s fertility diminishes with age, and generally is at its peak at age 18 (approximately the OP’s age). So for this godly reason, I think most young women feel a desire for sex which will lead to pregnancy and babies.

What concerns me is the possibility that a woman with low sex drive/libido may have abnormally low levels of various hormones. This is not a good thing, because many body functions depends on the levels of hormones. (e.g., building strong bones–very important in females). I think the OP should consider speaking with her family doctor. There may be other health issues that she is not associating with her low sex drive.

I would ask the OP to be honest in her assessment of her general health, and consider a visit to the doctor if she feels that there may be a hormone imbalance.

However, I do recognize that perhaps the reason the OP has little interest in sex is that she has great interest in many other things; e.g., sports, arts, school, work, family projects, etc. One of the suggestions that can really help young men to stop masturbating is to get BUSY doing things, especially rigorous sports or some other rigorous physical activity (baling hay comes to mind!), and “sublimate” the libido by focusing on these other activities. Perhaps the OP is doing this, and of course has no interest in sex.

If this is the case, it’s wonderful! Most young people should be this way!

OP, if this is what you’re doing, then be assured that when you meet a man that is a good potential husband for you, that you will feel desire for him (not just for sex).

Now if you DON’T feel desire for him and continue to find the idea of sex uninteresting or even distasteful, I highly recommend a trip to the doctor and possibly a trip to a counselor. Sexual activity is a good part of normal marriages. Over and over, men post threads here on CAF about wives who refuse to have sex with them because “they’re not interested,” or worse, “they find sex disgusting.” This is incredibly difficult for a man, who generally feels loved when he is having sex (men are different from women–women generally have sex because they feel loved). Please get this fixed BEFORE you get married. It’s not fair to the man.
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Again, I advise caution in being too forthright about how people should be. If the OP thinks a medical checkup is in order, then by all means…

In regard to those threads we see on CAF from men enduring a (near) sexless marriage, I would not assume libido is the sole issue. In some I recall, the love and partnership also seem to have drained away. A wife refusing to have sex is likely dealing with more than low libido.
 
Rau said:
I would be careful with generalizing. Sex drives vary enormously. My wife tells me she has never, prior to marriage, felt a “need” or desire to have sex. Never masturbated nor felt tempted to do so. In the marital setting, the situation evolves, and we enjoy a full sex life. But it is not in her makeup to feel the “need” for sex in the sense you have described.
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I would identify with the experience of your wife also. The thing is that taking chastity seriously and believing in the great good of marital intimacy, gird you against lust and temptation. It doesn’t have anything to do with libido which grows with the advent of sexual intimacy. The fact that todays young women are highly sexually active with greater appetites for regular sex is not a sign that they have greater libidos than women of the past who honoured the taboo around premarital sex… it is just the result of the highly sexualised society we live in. Much of that heightened sexual desire is attributable to lust which grows more hungry when it is fed.
 
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