Is this true?

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sanctamaria17

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So I was joking around with friends of mine yesterday, both guys and girls and two of our guy friends were teasing us girls about how we’d be worth so much to marry. They were being cute about it and we were all laughing. But then, I said, how about if a girl was to be a doctor (that’s what I want to be)? They then said something that shocked me the most. They said that no man wants to marry a woman who makes more money than they do. I understand that they were kidding around, but it really touched a nerve.

Why would a man be intimidated by a smart woman? Or a woman who makes more money? I’ve been dreaming my whole life to be a doctor and all I can see are benefits. I’m determined and dedicated to this, I care about the health of others, I care about others in general, I’m diligent about my studies, and I’m making sacrifices for other people. Why wouldn’t those be something you’d look for in the potential mother of your children? Someone who expects them to do well in school, stick to their paths, and who take care of everyone when they’re sick? Yeah, I’ll probably be in my late twenties/early thirties by the time I marry but that’s not a bad thing! Most of my friends don’t want to marry till later either (and we’re all practicing Catholics or evangelical Christians).

I could understand if they’re afraid she won’t be home much (though they’d be surprised, I know many female doctors who work part time when they have kids and ER doctors at least have a fixed shift. Not to mention that if you work together in a practice, you can split on-call times, etc.)But over how much money she makes? Are we really that backward?

I understand that these guys were joking but I’ve gone through years of school where it seemed guys were afraid of me because I was smart. I’m not going to hide my intelligence just because some guys are afraid of me making more money than they do. But seriously, that’s why so many girls hide their intelligence. I used to yell at my girl friends in the past for doing that, now I see why they did and I feel sad for them.

I know they were joking, but they should know better than to say that.

Thanks for reading my vent.
 
I personally look forward to the day my wife makes more than I do (probably in a year or two)!

That way I won’t owe alimony when we split! 😃
 
You reveal little about yourself or your circumstances, only that you are late teens/early twenties, Catholic, and from a big city.
Where, New York or Dallas? Might make a difference.

Predjudices or attitudes toward such subjects can be influenced by things geographical (southern country boys vs. NYC liberals), cultural, ethnic or any other number of factors.

I think you’ll find that when you are within reach of your goal, you might realize that you start looking at things in the same light, if not the same economic viewpoint. Status comes into play for many people, after all, how many surgeons marry the janitor, or how many women CEO’s marry an auto mechanic. Compatability from intellectual, social, moral, and financial standpoints is a reality in life.

A surgeon/doctor making $200,000 a year married to a pool service guy hauling down $20,000 isn’t seen very often. Not to say it can’t happen, but the dude making 20k better have an incredible self image and sense of self esteem.

And another circumstance that comes to mind is that physicians are one of the top five categories of wage earners. The dropoff from what physicians make to middle class is precipitous. We all have egos, and a great many of us men do factor into our sense of self esteem what we do and how much money we make. It is a reality.

One last thing. In my life I have learned a truth. People are often more honest when they are being funny, than when they are serious. Don’t discount joking around. May have been grins and giggles to you, but my bet is you got a real dose of truth in what you heard.
 
OP,

As for the $$$ aspect, part of it may be male ego, since it has been drilled into us historically that we are the providers and protectors.
Fred_4 said:
I personally look forward to the day my wife makes more than I do (probably in a year or two)!

That way I won’t owe alimony when we split! 😃
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PLEASE tell me you are joking!!!

BTW, I see from your profile you are a firefighter. Are you CFD? What station are you at?
 
If my wife made more money than me I’d be:extrahappy: :dancing: :clapping: .
 
I have made it very clear to my wife that I welcome anything she does (not including sin) to bring home more money.

If she could make enough so that I would never have to work again and could play golf all day, I would be ecstatic. I wouldn’t even mind being a stay at home dad.

As a man, I can not for the life of me understand how any man could have a problem with a wife who brings home more then he does. Money may not buy hapiness, but it sure makes some parts of life easier. Not to mention some of those more expensive toys might just be within reach:) (honey, should I drive the Porsche or the Audi today?).

The only problems I could see is if a poor/middle class guy is marrying into a family with huge amounts of money or “old money.” Then class issues and relatives could come into play that might stress/strain the marriage.

A true marriage is when God brings two people together and calls them to the vocation of married life. If it’s a true marriage, they will have the graces available to get beyond any disparities, financial or otherwise.

Andy
 
Mine might like me to make more money period 😉 .

Teachers don’t make much, so there’s no chance of me making more than my engineer husband.
 
Yes, I’m in college and I’m living in DC, though I’m from the NYC area (so is one of my friends, one who did part of the joking, he is kind of liberal so I was surprised). I can understand the surgeon/janitor scenario not happening, but I think more than economics might come into play. At least, I would hope so. I can understand wanting someone who was in your same intellectual circles (and I hope to marry an intellectual guy) but solely on money?

I can understand why my girlfriends complain about men’s egos though! After hearing that!
 
Might just be a fear behind the joking response you heard. The fear being that in a marriage, the decisions will be made by the primary breadwinner, and that puts a lot of guys in a position they really don’t want to be in.

For example, a woman physician making $200,000 a year is married to a computer pro who makes $75,000 a year. Even though in the engagement period both agree that decisions will be made equally, will the reality of real life result in friction and unforseen problems? From a man’s standpoint, will the attitude gradually become, “Well since I am the primary breadwinner, my opinion counts more than yours.”

Or scenario # 2. Doc is offered a prestiege position at Mayo. Salary, $500,000 per year. She really wants to go. See the problem? One of three things happens. He agrees to go and give up a job and a home that he loves, not to mention friends, family, and other important things. And he resents it, and her. Or she, turns down the position and begins to resent him more and more. And the marriage crumbles. The third thing is that he stays, she goes, they do a long distance marriage thing, and it rarely works out. And if kids are involved, they suffer more than maybe the two spouses. As one poster said, marriage is putting each into the loving service of the other. Without that, it’s tough to make a go of it.

I loved all those idealistic dorm room discussions when I was in college myself. When I got out into the real world, I discovered something. Unfortunately, things are rarely ideal in the real world.

Sorry, don’t mean to sound like an old fogey and rain on your parade, but life doesn’t always go according to the script.
 
And one last thought.

A woman making $150 - 200k or better, doesn’t need a man. At least not for anything like the necessities of life. And from a man’s standpoint, might the thinking be, “since I’m not needed,
I’m just an appendage.” “I’m not necessary here (in this home)” Of course your answer would be that “I want you here”. But that isn’t what a lot of guys are going to hear. There is a big difference between being needed and being wanted. And no man (or woman I’m sure) wants to feel superfluous.

That thinking wouldn’t be operative between people making essentially equal incomes. But when the disparity is large, I think it is a real dilemma for a guy.
 
sanctamaria17 said:
So I was joking around with friends of mine yesterday, both guys and girls and two of our guy friends were teasing us girls about how we’d be worth so much to marry. They were being cute about it and we were all laughing. But then, I said, how about if a girl was to be a doctor (that’s what I want to be)? They then said something that shocked me the most. They said that no man wants to marry a woman who makes more money than they do. I understand that they were kidding around, but it really touched a nerve.
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If no man wanted a wife that earns more than he does, then most presidents would have been bachelors. 😉

And I don’t care, really. I just want to earn an equitable pay for my work and I wouldn’t be living on a wife’s bigger salary - I have no problem imagining a wife living on mine, but I wouldn’t like to live on my wife’s. Just a little quirk.

Besides, there’s a simple solution. Marry another doctor. Or lawyer. Or something. You don’t need to fight for the acceptance of a guy who doesn’t want you because you earn too much. Really. 😉
Why would a man be intimidated by a smart woman?
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Ego thing? I’d rather it were around the same level, but I can imagine more immediately endearing traits than intelligence.
Or a woman who makes more money?
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Now that’s a status thing. Say the guy’s a serf and the woman’s a knight’s daugher. Or say he’s a simple knight and she’s a princess. Then in current terms, she could be a six digit white collar and he could work a blue collar job. There’s no such sharp social divide as ages ago, but there is still some intimidation.
I’ve been dreaming my whole life to be a doctor and all I can see are benefits. I’m determined and dedicated to this, I care about the health of others, I care about others in general, I’m diligent about my studies, and I’m making sacrifices for other people. Why wouldn’t those be something you’d look for in the potential mother of your children? Someone who expects them to do well in school, stick to their paths, and who take care of everyone when they’re sick?
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Yup. I entirely agree. It’s a cliche, but a marriage of two doctors is quite a spectacular thing to watch, hehe. Besides, who will understand a doctor better than another doctor?

I know what I’m talking about. Myself I’m a lawyer and right now I’m doing a Ph.D. course. I get along well with all manner of people, but I’ll probably end up married to another lawyer, perhaps another one dividing time between practise of law and academic pursuits. I can name at least five such families, but I could think of more.
Yeah, I’ll probably be in my late twenties/early thirties by the time I marry but that’s not a bad thing! Most of my friends don’t want to marry till later either (and we’re all practicing Catholics or evangelical Christians).
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Nothing wrong marrying in early twenties. That’s more natural and much more in line with how our bodies are built. There’s nothing really in waiting until later - some things need finishing, such as degrees etc, but there’s no inherent value in putting off marriage like until 30. I say if possible, it’s much better to make use of the youth that’s given to us and that won’t be given to us again. If I had the financial assets, I’d be happy to be married now at age 25.
I understand that these guys were joking but I’ve gone through years of school where it seemed guys were afraid of me because I was smart. I’m not going to hide my intelligence just because some guys are afraid of me making more money than they do.
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As I said, you don’t need to marry those guys. And if you don’t need to marry them, you don’t need their attention, either. So leave it be. 😉
But seriously, that’s why so many girls hide their intelligence.
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I’d rather a woman who didn’t hide anything.
I used to yell at my girl friends in the past for doing that, now I see why they did and I feel sad for them.
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They just need to find smart guys.
I know they were joking, but they should know better than to say that.
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They were honest and it mattered to them. You want to study and make degrees, work a full time job etc. They want a woman who isn’t smarter than they are (they have the right to), who isn’t making a career. The one is good and the other is good. You just aren’t compatible. Find a man who will be compatible with you and allow those guys their own preferences. They wouldn’t be happy if they were made to try and change their views, make them more reasonable, rational, politically correct or some such. You have your plans and your expectations, they have theirs, everyone goes his own way. 😉
Thanks for reading my vent.
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Any time. 😉 Pardon if I’m being grumpy. 😉
 
Just remember that the first x number of years, you’re going to be paying off six-figure student loans. So it’s not like there’s going to be a lot of disposable income, in any case.

(Hmm, you could always reverse the stereotypical roles and marry a male nurse.)

DaveBj
 
Well, as I’m going to be teacher at a Catholic school I’ll probably not have to worry about this! (Probably won’t be making much to write home about.) Although it drives me CRAZY when people think that I’m taking easy arts and crafts classes all day; when I’m actually taking organic chemistry and advanced physics. :rolleyes:
 
Save yourself the trouble and marry a likeminded man!

My man is going to be a doctor! We are hoping to work side by side in our local NICU. We go against all stereotypical ideas of family working together…our accuracy and speed increases when we work together. 👍

Now, if I can just get through 12 hours of Chemistry… :eek:
 
sanctamaria17 said:
Why would a man be intimidated by a smart woman?
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I don’t think that being a certain profession makes you smarter than any other. A physician is not necessarily smarter than a postal worker, an auto mechanic, or a bakery chef. I doubt the most notable neurosurgeon in the U.S. knows how to change the spark plugs in his Bently 😛 . Don’t get me wrong, I have the utmost respect for our physicians. But, in this situation, could you not argue that the mechanic is smarter because he is trained in a particular area. It all has to do with training. This being said, it is important to have commonalities to discuss in the evenings after work. Physicians can vent to other medical professionals about how tough their day was knowing their spouse completely understands.

I do agree that most men are brought up to be the provider - financial or otherwise. This is how things have been for centuries. Just as many women feel such grief at not being able to have children. Women, for the most part, feel their role is to bring children into the world. I can definetely see how role reversal could strain many marriages.

This is an interesting subject, and one that we deal with more and more as women become more prolifent in the professional world. We’ve burned our bras, now what?🤷
 
Men from your generation may be different, but most men that I dated prior to marriage were accepting of my career. In retrospect, outside of the man I married, I never dated anyone who made more than me.

Now, I make less than my husband, but because I have my own business, I take home much more than he does. He never even knew it until we went to apply for a mortgage. He loves me for me, not for my career, and I love him for him, not for his career. The important thing is to find someone who appreciates you and shares your goals. If your heart and mind are telling you to become a doctor, then if your vocation is marriage, you will find a man who appreciates your calling to the medical life.
 
Well, I’m a doctor, and my SIL (DH’s sister) is a doctor and we both make more money than our husbands.

In my case, my DH is an RN, but currently is the stay-at-home homeschooling Dad for our 2 boys. He does some part time paid teaching around my schedule and LOTS of volunteer work (he’s the chairman of the board of directors for our volunteer fire company, among other things).

SIL’s DH took early retirement and runs their busy household, being there for their kids after school, taking care of the garden and pool, growing some fruits and veggies, and cooking gourmet meals. My MIL (who was also his MIL) recently passed away after a 4 month struggle with cancer. She was cared for in their home for those 4 months and BIL (SIL’s DH) was remarkable. He cared for her so extraordinarily well during that time when he was home all day with her (a hospice nurse came 2 hrs per day). It gave my SIL such peace to know he was home to care for her.

We are all very happy, but there still is a bit of the “ego thing” I think for both DH’s. We get around it by putting DH in charge of the money. He pays the bills and keeps track of the budget. He decides if we can afford a major purchase that we both want (like a Disney vacation or a new car). For moderate purchases (like a new appliance) we discuss it ahead of time and agree if we want to spend the money. We both tell each other if we have done extra minor spending during the week. I think SIL and her DH do the same.

Most of the other women physicians that I know who are married to doctors work part time when they have kids.
 
Forgive my oversimplification but follow your dreams, celebrate the intelligence God has given you and don’t worry about attitudes of others. Let it go. IF/When you want to marry someday, trust that God will provide a husband who will be your best friend and celebrate your successes with you…

God Bless,

Katie
 
I don’t think it is a secret that most guys are intimidated by intelligent women. My dw roommate from college had this problem. She is an extremely smart and beautiful woman, but it took her forever to find her husband. If a guy has a problem with your intelligence or earning power, than he isn’t worth your time. There are good guys that aren’t intimidated. I have always joked with my dw that if she would earn more money than I could, then I could stay at home with the kids.
 
DONT YOU DARE HIDE IT!

The reason I nabbed my handsome, hard working, awesome DH is because I AM INTELLIGENT. And well read. Plus I’m cute, stylish, punk rock, shall I continue? No seriously, I am not litreally bragging on myself, I am actually making a point: I’m smart, I know my worth, and I married a man who knew it too. And appreciated it. And he still does. And I shouldn’t start sentences with AND. LOL

I also appreciate him.

Unfortunately you had a conversation with young men who are at odds with their own worth due to their age. Who are coming into to being men, and want more than anything to be the hunters/gatherers/dragon slayers and providers for their women. It’s instinct. You don’t have to act stupid to catch a good guy, you have to act like you, catch a good guy who values you, and who is allowed to be all of the above FOR you.
 
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