Is this wrong?

[anytimequilter]

I know on one hand this is very silly, but this is where I am. I guess its a good sign that I don’t have any bigger problems

For the past 9 years or so I have been going to the adoration chapel at the church near my work. Its not my parish, but it is perfect to stop in during my lunch or after work. I really do believe it does me good to go. I had a boss who suggested that I go and it has become a habit that I am glad I started.

Now with my issue, I have been divorced for some time and I do have a church annulment. It is very hard being single trying to find someone to bring into your life - dating or just as a friend. As I am sure many of you have experienced, the dating world is a cesspool. I don’t fit into that world and that is a good thing in my opinion

I did meet this really nice guy at work. I don’t know much about him and he keeps to himself. I heard he had a really bad divorce. We did talk some, but he really kept focused on work. One lady did tell me that I shouldn’t take it personal because he’s Catholic and wouldn’t go down that road without an annulment. She had no idea if he had even thought about starting his or not.

Anyway his job changed, while he is with the same company he moved to another building. So virtually never see him any more. I have reached out and sent instant messages, which is ok. Just not the same as seeing him around.

One day I sent him an instant message and he didn’t respond. I know, I know we are at work he was probably busy, in a meeting… whatever. I still felt bad, as silly as that sounds. So after work I stopped at the chapel… and in my prayers I am sure that I was whining to God about being alone.

As I was leaving the chapel that day for some reason I pulled the schedule of the people who had signed up for their time slots. Low and behold he was on the list. It was very reassuring that at least I was attracted to someone who was trying to do some good things.

So I thought to myself “what do I do with this information?”. There was no way that I could forget that I saw it.

Since he was signed up with someone else I thought maybe he was just the back up person. So I went to check the situation out. There he came in…

So now I want to go back again… just before his time. Just so our paths cross.

My sister tells me that’s I am going to the chapel for the wrong reason. What do you guys think? I have been going for 9 years or more, I would just be changing the time of visits.

I would appreciate (name removed by moderator)ut

Wow that go long didn’t it

 

[1ke]

If he were interested, he would respond to your prior overtures. Harsh, but true.

Don’t alter your time to “cross paths”. That is creepy behavior, actually.

 

[GEddie]

I don’t know that I would say “creepy,” but I would avoid using the Eucharistic chapel as a place to intersect with someone.

If things go embarrassingly or painfully wrong, would you then have an aversion to going there, since it would then be connected for you with a negative memory?

You may be confused by your feelings into being more wound up into this fellow than makes sense. You are lonesome, he is alone; you are both Catholic; but, sadly, these factors do not make for geometry between the 2 of you.

Let go and let God; but keep the Eucharistic chapel a place strictly for prayer.

God Bless and ICXC NIKA

 

[alphawoman]

I would respect his lack of reciprocation and not alter my usual habits to bump into him. As 1ke says, if he had an interest in building a relationship, he would be returning your messages.

 

[anytimequilter]

If he were interested, he would respond to your prior overtures. Harsh, but true.

That’s nothing I haven’t told myself - don’t think you can be any harsher than I am on myself. (but please don’t try )

Perhaps I didn’t explain my intent clearly. I am not expecting a “response”, as I understand how divorce can leave a person feeling. He may never be able to start again, I respect that.

Being divorced myself and feeling rejected and feeling that there must be some major horrible flaws with me… its nice to see someone in a similar situation that I feel is a good person. I don’t find any joy in anyone’s struggle, but I very seldom find someone that I can identify with. When I see the good in him while he is in a situation similar to my own that helps me feel that its possible that I have good in me as well.

I don’t expect a “response”, just a reminder that I am not the only one in that situation. Good people do find themselves in bad situations. To your point, I would also like to be sure that he remembers that I am alive should he ever get to the point that he would like a friend.

Don’t alter your time to “cross paths”. That is creepy behavior, actually.

Ha! another thought of my own Not sure what your train of thought is on “creepy behavior”… stalkerish???. Just so you know, I did talk about this with a counselor she didn’t feel that there is anything wrong with this. My thoughts are not that of a stalker

There is no possible way that I could change my routine completely - I am basically pretty set in my ways so I can’t muster up the effort very often to break routine. I am talking maybe once every couple of months stopping in at that time

 

[anytimequilter]

If things go embarrassingly or painfully wrong, would you then have an aversion to going there, since it would then be connected for you with a negative memory?

Well honestly, its all tangled up now already. And I do have the aversion to going there just because I know that he goes.

I don’t expect that anything will go embarrassingly or painfully wrong as I don’t expect that I would ever actually “do” anything to cause embarrassment. Just my normal prayers

You may be confused by your feelings into being more wound up into this fellow than makes sense. You are lonesome, he is alone; you are both Catholic; but, sadly, these factors do not make for geometry between the 2 of you.

I get that. Like I want to make something out of nothing. As I am sure you realize there are plenty of Catholic guys that I wouldn’t be interested in.

Let go and let God

I agree. The unfortunate part of life is that we do actually have to “do” things. I like the premise of “Let go and let God” but then if we don’t change our actions how can we ever get a different outcome?

 

[anytimequilter]

I would respect his lack of reciprocation and not alter my usual habits to bump into him. As 1ke says, if he had an interest in building a relationship, he would be returning your messages.

So I say that he didn’t respond to one message and that’s all that you picked up on?

What about all of the other messages that he did respond to before then and since then? The one message out weighs all others?

There are people at my church in my parish who have not responded to a message that I sent as well. I get more responses than non responses…so I tell myself not to worry about if someone doesn’t respond. They are probably busy and forgot

 

[alphawoman]

So I say that he didn’t respond to one message and that’s all that you picked up on?

What about all of the other messages that he did respond to before then and since then? The one message out weighs all others?

No, but this part of your post (particularly the bolded) suggests he hasn’t initiated a relationship or shown interest in maintaining one. What information you have about his personal situation appears, from what you have written, to originate from second-hand sources. Obviously, you are experiencing the day to day communication, and I’m not, so you have the advantage of more information than I have. However, from the content of your posts, he doesn’t seem interested.

"I did meet this really nice guy at work. I don’t know much about him and he keeps to himself. I heard he had a really bad divorce. We did talk some, but he really kept focused on work. One lady did tell me that I shouldn’t take it personal because he’s Catholic and wouldn’t go down that road without an annulment. She had no idea if he had even thought about starting his or not.

Anyway his job changed, while he is with the same company he moved to another building. So virtually never see him any more. I have reached out and sent instant messages, which is ok. Just not the same as seeing him around."

 

[anytimequilter]

No, but this part of your post (particularly the bolded) suggests he hasn’t initiated a relationship or shown interest in maintaining one. What information you have about his personal situation appears, from what you have written, to originate from second-hand sources. Obviously, you are experiencing the day to day communication, and I’m not, so you have the advantage of more information than I have. However, from the content of your posts, he doesn’t seem interested.

You are correct, I didn’t ask him personally about his divorce. I asked a lady what his story was.

I don’t expect that he is interested. My impression is that he is not interested in any woman at this time in his life.

But you realize based on your explanation B]no one in the world is interested. Seriously, no one… so its kind of tough for me to sort out someone who could be interested from those who are not. Usually the interest I garner are the ones who just are looking for a roll in the hay - those are the ones I want to keep out of my life

My question wasn’t about whether he was interested or not anyway. My question was to see if it was wrong to go to the chapel when I know that he will be there.

If he was on a bowling league and I wondered if it was wrong to go to the bowling alley on the night he bowled what would the thoughts be?

 

[1ke]

It just seems like you are telling yourself you just want to be there if he wants a friend, but at the same time want to know if you should purposely alter your schedule to try to “cross paths” with him. Kind of like when I used to walk the long way around to biology class so I could walk by a certain guy’s locker in hopes of the elusive “crossing paths” and “maybe he will…” …notice me, ask me out, whatever.

It’s crush behavior, so while you say “friends” it seems you are secretly hoping for more.

Not the worst thing in the world but I don’t think that is healthy for YOU at all. Because he is not reciprocating in any way. I think it will just make you continue to dwell on him when I don’t think you should.

I’m sure divorce, annulment, and getting back out there is very hard. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to move on with a new life.

 

[Tomdstone]

Invite him out for a cup of tea or a cup of coffee.

 

[1ke]

If he was on a bowling league and I wondered if it was wrong to go to the bowling alley on the night he bowled what would the thoughts be?

Yes, same answer. If you bowled in a league on the same night and there was no purposeful going there just because he was there that would be one thing. But going to the bowling alley because he is there is an entirely different thing.

 

[AKDee]

I think you should try to rein it back. I agree with the others that if the guy was interested, he would pursue you. Your post sort of sounds like you’re one step away from stalking this guy. Not in a dangerous way, but no one likes to be stalked. If you’re not absolutely sure about whether he’s not interested, you might reach out to him once more and ask him out for coffee or whatever but don’t use Adoration to try to cross paths. What if your actions make him uncomfortable and he stops going to adoration? Adoration is his time with the Lord, he shouldn’t have to use that time trying to avoid someone who has a crush that he’s not interested in. I’m not trying to be mean, just realistic. And the reality is that as a Catholic, he’s simply not available to you right now. He is still, according to the Church, married.

 

[Ingeniero]

I did meet this really nice guy at work. I don’t know much about him and he keeps to himself. I heard he had a really bad divorce. We did talk some, but he really kept focused on work. One lady did tell me that I shouldn’t take it personal because he’s Catholic and wouldn’t go down that road without an annulment. She had no idea if he had even thought about starting his or not.

One day I sent him an instant message and he didn’t respond. I know, I know we are at work he was probably busy, in a meeting… whatever. I still felt bad, as silly as that sounds. So after work I stopped at the chapel… and in my prayers I am sure that I was whining to God about being alone.

As I was leaving the chapel that day for some reason I pulled the schedule of the people who had signed up for their time slots. Low and behold he was on the list. It was very reassuring that at least I was attracted to someone who was trying to do some good things.

So I thought to myself “what do I do with this information?”. There was no way that I could forget that I saw it.

Since he was signed up with someone else I thought maybe he was just the back up person. So I went to check the situation out. There he came in…

So now I want to go back again… just before his time. Just so our paths cross.

Perhaps God is answering your prayer. I see nothing creepy about what you want to do. You are using the modified schedule as a way of discernment.

I agree with your counselor

 

[mjs2001]

Invite him out for a cup of tea or a cup of coffee.

Agreed. Don’t beat yourself up wondering and worrying, grab a cup of coffee with him.

 

[alphawoman]

You are correct, I didn’t ask him personally about his divorce. I asked a lady what his story was.

I don’t expect that he is interested. My impression is that he is not interested in any woman at this time in his life.

But you realize based on your explanation B]no one

in the world is interested. Seriously, no one… so its kind of tough for me to sort out someone who could be interested from those who are not. Usually the interest I garner are the ones who just are looking for a roll in the hay - those are the ones I want to keep out of my life

My question wasn’t about whether he was interested or not anyway. My question was to see if it was wrong to go to the chapel when I know that he will be there.

If he was on a bowling league and I wondered if it was wrong to go to the bowling alley on the night he bowled what would the thoughts be?

Let’s speak plainly.

The man you’re interested in pursuing a potential romantic relationship with (you mention being attracted to him, which is outside the realm of “just friendship”) is ineligible for a new relationship under the laws of the Church.

You don’t expect he is interested in a relationship based on his past behaviour.

You are wondering whether it is wrong to attend his adoration time expressly with the intent of catching his attention and building a relationship, or opening his mind to the possibility of one in the future.

If you’re looking (or even remotely hoping) for a romantic relationship, then yes, that’s wrong. Irrespective of his interest, he’s married in the eyes of the Church. I think you need to be honest with yourself about what your real motivations are.

I imagine it is very difficult to be divorced and looking to meet good, like-minded men to befriend and date. That’s a normal, understandable drive we all have–for companionship and love–and I hope you will find someone who you can truly share life with! But you’re not doing either of you any favours by forcing interaction with an unavailable man (either with respect to interest or canonical law), or by potentially distracting him from his prayer life.

Go to your usual adoration and step out of your usual wheelhouse in other areas to meet other eligible men who are available and interested! Try a new volunteer activity for a cause you’re passionate about, get involved in politics, take a class in something that fascinates you, practice a sport you love, travel. The world is full of 7 billion people, and there ARE people in that group who are an excellent fit for you. The best way to find the is to live deeply and happily the type of values you hold, building a life that is satisfying to you as a single woman. Likeminded, available men will be doing similar things.

Good luck! You’re in my prayers!

 

[St_Francis]

I am concerned that all this thinking about him is distracting you from thinking about Him… keep the chapel for adoration.

I would suggest saving the plans for outside the chapel–text him and ask him to join you for coffee or something, and make sure in that conversation that you let him know you are Catholic if he doesn’t know; and find out if he has or has applied for a decree of nullity.

 

[anytimequilter]

First of all - thank you everyone for your thoughts. Even if we don’t understand eachother processng the thoughts help me to find a solution - - eventually

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tomdstone
Invite him out for a cup of tea or a cup of coffee.

Agreed. Don’t beat yourself up wondering and worrying, grab a cup of coffee with him.

I am just not sure how this will be received. Mainly because since he is a practicing Catholic even if he is divorced he is still married in the eyes of the church and that may be how he feels. (as others on this post have said) I don’t want him to feel like I am asking him to do something wrong

Let’s speak plainly.

The man you’re interested in pursuing a potential romantic relationship with (you mention being attracted to him, which is outside the realm of “just friendship”) is ineligible for a new relationship under the laws of the Church.

You don’t expect he is interested in a relationship based on his past behaviour.

---

It just seems like you are telling yourself you just want to be there if he wants a friend, but at the same time want to know if you should purposely alter your schedule to try to “cross paths” with him. Kind of like when I used to walk the long way around to biology class so I could walk by a certain guy’s locker in hopes of the elusive “crossing paths” and “maybe he will…” …notice me, ask me out, whatever.

It’s crush behavior, so while you say “friends” it seems you are secretly hoping for more.

Not the worst thing in the world but I don’t think that is healthy for YOU at all. Because he is not reciprocating in any way. I think it will just make you continue to dwell on him when I don’t think you should.

I’m sure divorce, annulment, and getting back out there is very hard. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to move on with a new life.

I see where you are coming from, but I have learnt in my life that even if someone isn’t exactly who I thought they should be in my life that doesn’t mean its a bad thing or that I should ignore them just because they will not be what “I” want. Perhaps God has something in mind different than I do.

Sometimes I liken this to winning the lottery - I know might sound goofy. But If the big jackpot is a full blown relationship and marrige… then a friendship could be classified as a smaller prize?? $100,000 or heck even $500 I don’t think anyone would turn away a $100,000 lotto win just because it wasn’t the “big” prize. Friends are important to have in life

I am concerned that all this thinking about him is distracting you from thinking about Him… keep the chapel for adoration.

I agree and I have struggled about this as well. That is why when I did go I got there 40 minutes before his time then left 10 or 15 minutes after he got there.

You are wondering whether it is wrong to attend his adoration time expressly with the intent of catching his attention and building a relationship, or opening his mind to the possibility of one in the future.

not 100% in line with my thoughts… If I had never gone to the chapel before then I would say that yes that statement is true. But I have been going for 9 years on my own. I still would go to adoration for the same reasons. I have also thought this may get me to go to adoration more often or stay longer

…You are using the modified schedule as a way of discernment.

This is pretty much how I think of it, but there are alot other ways it can be seen (as shown in this thread) I would think the best discernment would be done in the adoration chapel - right? Not to mention that it opens the doors to discussions that people may not have at work. Since seeing him there I was able to mention to him how going to the chapel has helped me through my divorce and church annulment. At work I would never have the opportunity to tell him that I have an annulment.

What if your actions make him uncomfortable and he stops going to adoration?

That is my #1 concern and I would never want that to happen. But afterall it is a public chapel and its not like you talk in the chapel. That is why I would never go very often. It has been weeks since I did go but I am thinking about going again. If I am there first then he can choose a seat on the other side if he wants to

The world is full of 7 billion people, and there ARE people in that group who are an excellent fit for you. The best way to find the is to live deeply and happily the type of values you hold, building a life that is satisfying to you as a single woman. Likeminded, available men will be doing similar things.

I wish it were that easy.

 

[Gertabelle]

Divorced, middle-aged woman (and mom) here.

One thing no one seems to have mentioned, so I will. Perhaps he doesn’t feel friendships with the opposite sex are appropriate. For me – as well as for many of the Saints – friendships with the opposite sex are not spiritually prudent and should be avoided.

If he also feels that way, he may be avoiding your attempts to reach out for that reason.

Clearly, he knows you are “there” for him, yet he hasn’t expressed a need to confide in him. If you really do care about him, leave him alone and move on.

Yup, being a single divorced woman stinks. But ignoring all the messages he’s sending you by not replying to your messages - well, that’s just disrespectful and self-centered. Move on.

Gertie

 

[Lorelei12]

its kind of tough for me to sort out someone who could be interested from those who are not. Usually the interest I garner are the ones who just are looking for a roll in the hay - those are the ones I want to keep out of my life

My question wasn’t about whether he was interested or not anyway. My question was to see if it was wrong to go to the chapel when I know that he will be there.

It’s actually not difficult at all to figure out whether someone is interested or not. If you have to wonder, he’s not interested. For some reason, the simplicity of this gets lost on people (myself included, for years before I met my husband).

I don’t know that it’s “wrong” to deliberately cross paths with him, but it seems unwise. I think that you probably know this, but are trying to rationalize it anyway. Personally, if I were not interested in someone and they started “showing up” somewhere they knew I’d be, I would be really uncomfortable.