H
hannajomar
Guest
My relationship with her isn’t the best, but it’s not the worst either. I was brought up learning that you do as much as you can to get along with your in-laws, even if you’re not crazy about them.
My issue is that she is constantly trying to “mother” me, and it makes me very uncomfortable. I realize she is closer to my grandmother’s age than my mother, so she probably sees me as a kid. I would describe our current relationship as cordial, because if I get any more intimate than that, I feel she gets pushy. Although she would probably describe it as helpful. (Think of Marie from “Everybody Loves Raymond.”) So I have just taken to be somewhat aloof with her. I don’t tell her more about myself than I really need to past small talk. That is the only way I really know to have boundaries with her.
Her latest thing is she has become concerned with my clothes. They live just downstairs from us. The day before Easter, I went down and asked her if the shade of my sweater coordinated with the shade of the dress I was planning to wear for Easter. I did this in good will, thinking that with a yes or no question, it would let her know I care about her opinion, but I would not have to feel infringed upon. She said the sweater matched, and I thanked her before going back up to our place. She came up that same day and gave me a $100 gift card to Macy’s and told me to go get a suit. She said seriously, “you’re not wearing that dress tomorrow.” I was very annoyed but just took the gift card and wore my own dress on Easter.
I had gotten over that incident and am no longer angry. Today, I got a package in the mail of some casual clothes from a mail order place. I’m almost certain they are from her. Whatever criticisms she has about my clothing are probably correct. I do tend to dress frumpy and wear what I have instead of always buying new things. My clothes are often faded or not in style. But I do get to choose my own clothes. The other issue is money. My husband and I do help them with regular financial support (electric, cable, house repairs, etc), as I think grown children should do for their parents. Part of me knows the polite thing to do is to say thank-you for the clothes and then just not wear them. But now this is a pattern. She is essentially spending our money to be pushy with me. I wouldn’t mind advice, “such and such would look really nice on you.” But this is beyond that. Assuming she did send me these clothes, I realize that I now have to tell her I appreciate her concern for me, but I prefer to get my own clothes. (my own mother doesn’t even buy clothes for me.) When I imagine this conversation I feel sick to my stomach. She will be very hurt. Once she stormed out of our place because she made dessert for us but we were not ready to eat it. She will think I don’t like her or value her opinion.
If you are still reading, I thank you. This vent has been cathartic for me. I could really use a pep talk and words of encouragement. We are living in a somewhat difficult situation, and I am just trying to make it bearable for all of us.
My issue is that she is constantly trying to “mother” me, and it makes me very uncomfortable. I realize she is closer to my grandmother’s age than my mother, so she probably sees me as a kid. I would describe our current relationship as cordial, because if I get any more intimate than that, I feel she gets pushy. Although she would probably describe it as helpful. (Think of Marie from “Everybody Loves Raymond.”) So I have just taken to be somewhat aloof with her. I don’t tell her more about myself than I really need to past small talk. That is the only way I really know to have boundaries with her.
Her latest thing is she has become concerned with my clothes. They live just downstairs from us. The day before Easter, I went down and asked her if the shade of my sweater coordinated with the shade of the dress I was planning to wear for Easter. I did this in good will, thinking that with a yes or no question, it would let her know I care about her opinion, but I would not have to feel infringed upon. She said the sweater matched, and I thanked her before going back up to our place. She came up that same day and gave me a $100 gift card to Macy’s and told me to go get a suit. She said seriously, “you’re not wearing that dress tomorrow.” I was very annoyed but just took the gift card and wore my own dress on Easter.
I had gotten over that incident and am no longer angry. Today, I got a package in the mail of some casual clothes from a mail order place. I’m almost certain they are from her. Whatever criticisms she has about my clothing are probably correct. I do tend to dress frumpy and wear what I have instead of always buying new things. My clothes are often faded or not in style. But I do get to choose my own clothes. The other issue is money. My husband and I do help them with regular financial support (electric, cable, house repairs, etc), as I think grown children should do for their parents. Part of me knows the polite thing to do is to say thank-you for the clothes and then just not wear them. But now this is a pattern. She is essentially spending our money to be pushy with me. I wouldn’t mind advice, “such and such would look really nice on you.” But this is beyond that. Assuming she did send me these clothes, I realize that I now have to tell her I appreciate her concern for me, but I prefer to get my own clothes. (my own mother doesn’t even buy clothes for me.) When I imagine this conversation I feel sick to my stomach. She will be very hurt. Once she stormed out of our place because she made dessert for us but we were not ready to eat it. She will think I don’t like her or value her opinion.
If you are still reading, I thank you. This vent has been cathartic for me. I could really use a pep talk and words of encouragement. We are living in a somewhat difficult situation, and I am just trying to make it bearable for all of us.
Okay, now I’m embarrassed. I inspected the invoice, and it looks like my mom payed for those clothes. But they look like clothes she would have ordered for herself. So I think they were mistakenly sent to my house. But my intuition is not very good today, so who knows.
As the wry saying goes, “With all of my wisdom, it seems a shame to let it go to waste.” 
I wouldn’t mind getting $5000 for new clothing, but having everyone in the country see my pathetic current wardrobe would give me enough shame to last the rest of my life = I’d turn down the gift.