Issues with my girlfriend. Should we keep trying?

[Jolly_Nicholas]

Sorry, this is going to be very long.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about two and a half years now and we are seriously considering marriage since, as a general rule, I will not date a girl unless I am considering marriage. Unfortunately, my current girlfriend and I are having some issues that may or may not be deal-breakers. I’m hoping that someone else on here can give me some guidance, though I will of course discuss it with her (as I have been doing).

Issue one: She thinks that I don’t like anything about her and that I’m a liar. She thinks that I find her unattractive, that I hate her personality and that I’m only staying with her out of guilt for having dated her so long. Thus, she thinks I lie every time I compliment her or tell her how I feel about her. I never have said anything at all even close to it or even implied it at all. When I ask her why she thinks these things, she says “it’s just how she feels.” I have tried over and over again to dispel these feelings from her (for over a year now) but they just won’t go away. I don’t know what I can do to help with this anymore because it’s really just not true.

Issue two: She constantly wants to break up. Every time we are in a fight she tries to break up. I know that this happens in some relationships, but I genuinely feel that she means it. Other times, she seems that she really wants to be with me.

Issue three: She can’t decide what she wants in life. The biggest case of this manifesting itself is the “stay at home mom/working mom” debate. Personally, I am absolutely firm in my desire to have a stay at home wife. I totally understand any person not wanting to be a stay at home mom, but that is something it is very important to me. Many times she has told me that “all she wants is to stay home to clean, cook and care for the children.”

Other times, though, she says she wants to have this job or that job. When I mention this would be an issue for me, at least until all of the children are grown, she gets angry with me. I’ve told her over and over that if she does not want to be a stay at home mom then I would never want her to be one, it just happens to be a blocker for me. Still, she claims I’m trying to force her to be a stay at home mom. She says that I’m trying to control her and force her to be the person I want her to be even though I tell her every time we discuss it that I don’t want her to change anything about herself for me. I don’t know what else I can do.

Issue four: I can’t talk with her about our faith. Not for lack of trying, though. I really, really, really enjoy talking about my faith. Since the beginning of our relationship I have given it a shot and have tried talking about any number of issues. Sometimes she just thinks it is boring. Other times she gets offended (because she doesn’t agree with me, which is okay). Other times she thinks I’m bragging about my knowledge. She told me that she doesn’t mind talking about her faith/other important things with anybody except for me.

I don’t know what else I can say to that…I should be upset that she doesn’t want to talk to me specifically, right? I can be argumentative sometimes, though, so I can sort of understand this one. Still, I’ve been REALLY working on being argumentative recently and think I’ve made some progress, but she still won’t budge.

Issue five: I really feel that she doesn’t respect me. This is more abstract than the other issues, but I really feel like she doesn’t respect me. There are many, many situations where I tell her that I don’t feel comfortable with her hanging out with certain friends (because of the lifestyles they lead, etc). It seems like she completely disregards that, though. Other times she may be participating in activities which many in the Church think are a bad idea, so I mention to her that there is a good chance it is wrong and she should be on the safe side. No regard there either.

Most of the time, though, she will ask me for advice and I’ll tell her what I honestly think based on the situation. Once I tell her, she’ll get upset with me and disagree with me and I drop it. She won’t follow the advice at all. Days or weeks later somebody else, ANYBODY else, will give her the EXACT same advice, except this time she follows it. I point out that I said the exact same thing awhile ago and she just says, “I know.”

I brought it up to her that I don’t think she respects me. She claims she does. I ask her how she respects me, she can’t answer. Literally in every situation (relationships, religious beliefs, the future, work, school) she specifically does NOT follow my advice. I point this out, and she has literally nothing to say to it.

The bottom line is that I know every relationship has its issues. That’s why I’m holding out. I know that I mess things up too. Still, in all these situations she has admitted that she does these things, but nothing has changed. She is a very sweet person, a good person and a good friend, but I just don’t know how to take all of this. What should I make of all of this? What should I do? I’ve tried talking to her for over a year but it gets me nowhere. I really just need some solid advice on what to do here.

Please let me know if you need additional information on anything–I don’t want you to have to make assumptions.

 

[The_Bucket]

Both of you have issues. She’s insecure and wishy-washy and the fact that she might want to have a job at some point being a “dealbreaker” for you does make it sound like you’re controlling. Maybe you’re not, but saying “If you want to get a job someday, I think we should break up” is pretty weird.

Couple that with the “I don’t want you hanging out with those people” mentality… well… I mean she’s your girlfriend. She’s not your daughter. You don’t control her in the least bit.

You might be right about her actions or those people, but taking her deciding to hang out with some friends you don’t like as a sign of “disrespect” is again, weird.

Here’s my advice: Break up. You’re wasting your time and her time with these major roadblocks and are probably dragging this out more than you need to.

I’d also add: Grow up. A man does not order his girlfriend/fiancee/wife around. A real man and a real husband leads by example and in doing so entices his wife to follow him by his mere action, not his words. And they should BOTH be following God.

 

[Armor_of_Light]

Friend-

All 5 are deal breakers and will not improve over time. Move on. The behaviour you describe is controlling and insecure. It may be that you both bring out those negative qualities in each other. Sorry to be so blunt…I mean no offense but it is late for me and the weekend beakons!

Peace and prayers to you.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

It seems to me like you want someone who looks at you as a father figure (relies on you completely financially, allows you to decide who she can and can’t spend time with, lets you dictate her choices based on your religion which she doesn’t share, etc) and she wants someone to play the theatrical drama game with.

You guys both sound really young. Break up, find yourselves, grow up a bit, and then worry about finding a spouse.

 

[shainski]

How old are the two of you?

The first two issues seem to be manipulation on her part. The “you don’t mean what you say about me” is because she wants you to keep upping what you say. and the “I think we should break up” seems to want you to grovel to maintain the status quo.

But issues 3 and 4 may be issues that indicate that you are controlling. She might not want you to share your faith with her because you come across as overbearing and obstinate. I don’t know you - so i can’t know how you come across, but your portrayal of your stance does seem oddly one-sided.

And issue 5 may be that you are also trying to manipulate her. Without details, I can’t comment on how inappropriate her activities are, but since you don’t mention them, I don’t believe that they are too over-the-top.

i suspect that you are too young to be considering marriage. I suggest that you do take a break from each other. It may be that you can’t stand the time apart and you will find an overwhelming desire to be together. Conversely, it may be that you are both relieved to be away from each other and can concentrate on a better match.

Of course there is the risk that one of you will find you are madly in love with the other, but the other has decided to go on with his/her life.

 

[bzkoss236]

Whether she wants to work or not is her decision. It is your job to be supportive of her. Even if it is a big deal for you for her to be a stay at home mother, love is about sacrifice (look at Jesus for an example of what that looks like). Both of my parents worked to support me and my siblings, and I both admire and am glad that they chose that way. My fiance’s mother was a stay at home mom and home schooled the kids. And I admire her mother for that as well. Both of these were their (my mother, and my fiance’s mother) choice.

However, with how she feels in the relationship, I would suggest that it would be good to break up. Being able to talk about anything should be present in a relationship. If you cannot communicate, especially about something as important as faith, then it is not going to work out. Also if she is having trouble telling if you love her is also a sign that there isn’t good enough communication going on.

 

[coachdennis]

Quite honestly, I stopped reading after Issue #3!

Not to be cynical, but if you went ahead with this wedding and I was an invited guest I would not spend more than $10.00 on a wedding gift because I think Kim Khardashian’s marriage had a better chance of succeeding.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

This relationship sounds doomed. All of the issues are complete deal breakers.

 

[dandesmommie]

:nope:She is a drama mama, mindgame playing insecure girl. You are an overbearing control freak (that is the impression you give us of your characters). Break it up and grow up both of you. You are not doing each other any favours by staying togehter . AND, both of you need to gain some maturity before you even consider starting a relationship with someone else.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

:nope:She is a drama mama, mindgame playing insecure girl. You are an overbearing control freak (that is the impression you give us of your characters). Break it up and grow up both of you. You are not doing each other any favours by staying togehter . AND, both of you need to gain some maturity before you even consider starting a relationship with someone else.

That was my impression too. She is extremely insecure, but I’m not surprised. Most men that are overbearing end up with insecure women that they can control. Controlling her whole life, including who she hangs out with is way too much. She can’t be expected to only befriend people who are good Catholics. Jesus ate with sinners, so as long as she is not participating in sinful behaviors with them, you should allow her to have any friends she wants.

Being a stay at home mom is a good thing. You demanding it is another. Have you ever though there could be a compromise? Maybe she could run a daycare. This allows her to be home with her kids, but have a purpose. Teaching can work too because the kids only need to get to kindergarten and then they are on a teacher’s schedule (depends on how many you plan on having).

 

[Allegra]

You are clearly at an impasse. You do not share a common vision for the future. It sounds like you are not willing to alter your plans, so you need to find someone who shares them or get more flexible. It’s time to cut her loose.

 

[TrixieMcGee]

I do have to agree that she sounds very insecure and unsure of who she is and what she wants. You seem to be controlling and want a subservient woman who you can dictate whether she has a job, who she has as friends, what she does for activities, and even how she thinks. You both have A LOT of growing up to do. I dated a guy once that tried to tell me who to hang out with, what I should do, how I should dress, how I should cut my hair, ect. Honestly how you talked reminded me of him so much. Controlling someone is not loving them. She sounds a little like me too. I was afraid all the time that I wasn’t living up to his standards and it made me so insecure that I never thought I could please him even when he said that I was fine. The negative comments and controlling attitude breaks down a person’s confidence.

 

[Pink_Lemonade]

It really doesn’t sound as though you even like your girlfriend that much, let alone love her. I agree with the other posters who suggested that neither of you sounds as though you are ready for marriage.

Regarding the first issue, does she actually call you a liar and say “you hate my personality”? Or does she occasionally get insecure? If she does feel that you are only staying with her out of “guilt for having dated her so long”, is there perhaps an element of truth to that? After all, if things are as bad as you suggest I would think you would have left quite a while ago, unless you are staying with her, at least in part, out of a sense of obligation.

You say that when you fight, she “tries to break up”. What does that mean? What happens to keep you together?

Regarding the stay-at-home mom issue, if this is an absolute deal breaker for you, then please do yourselves both a favor and break up. You say that she “can’t decide what she wants in life”- this is a decision that needs to be made by the couple together, not one person unilaterally. And it depends a lot upon individual circumstances. Although I do hope to stay at home with young children someday, I would never have married someone who refused outright to “allow” me to work, and so perhaps you should be dating women who do not express a desire to work outside the home. Also consider that you may someday find yourself without a job, or with a serious illness, and your wife may need to work. You say you “don’t want her to change anything about herself” for you, but actually you do- you want her to decide that she can be happy with exactly what you want her to do.

Some people who enjoy talking about their faith only enjoy talking about it to people who agree completely with everything they say. If you do get argumentative, it’s no wonder that she avoids talking with you about it.

Lastly, just because she spends time with friends you don’t care for does not mean that she is “disrespecting you”. And just because she asks you for advice does not mean she is obligated to take it. If you do in fact relate to her with the authoritative manner you have demonstrated in your post, she may not take your advice seriously. Again, you seem to define “respect” as “following my advice and doing everything I say”. This is NOT respect, and you are not her father.

So, what should you do? Break up with her. Neither of you sounds mature enough to be considering marriage, and even if you were it doesn’t sound like you are on the same wavelength regarding what you desire in a spouse. Yes, every relationship has its issues, but in the ones that work spouses do not threaten to leave all the time, or try to manipulate and control the other.

 

[Delaine75]

After giving those issues, my question is why are you still staying with her? Those are some pretty serious things right there.

 

[sing4joy]

Well that’s everyone telling you to break up and grow up.
I agree. You are waaay too controlling and she is waaay too frightened and insecure.

It sounds to me like you both need to be on your own. And each of you needs to have that personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ that Pope Benedict talks about.

Kneel and get started! It’s great!

 

[Kelfa28]

You need to end this relationship…now.

By the way…it is not normal for some relationships to declare “breakups” with every fight.
If it was me and someone wanted to breakup…I’d take them seriously and breakup.

Neither of you are ready for marriage and you don’t just “decide” to get married because you’ve been with each other for over 2 years.

May or may not be deal breakers?

Just one of those examples would have sent me running for the hill a LONG time ago.

Neither of you are ready for marriage. Period.

 

[ValPal]

My Advice:

Run Forrest Run!

IMHO, people that have major, core issues like you are having should NOT get married.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

You are not joining together to get each other to heaven. RUN ---- run like a deer from a bear — run and don’t look back till your safe ---- run, Run, RUN!!!

You are no a bad person; She is not a bad person. Together you make a skitzo person who cannot serve God. The goal in the union of man and woman is to serve God by bringing each other to heaven. Before I got married, our deacon had us read the book, “Love and Respect” (loveandrespect.com/) which may do well for you to read to help you forgive yourself & her in this relationship. This forgiveness will allow you to find that person in the future.

 

[chevalier]

Sorry, this is going to be very long.

That is very long? You obviously haven’t got a reply from me yet.

Issue one: She thinks that I don’t like anything about her and that I’m a liar. She thinks that I find her unattractive, that I hate her personality and that I’m only staying with her out of guilt for having dated her so long. Thus, she thinks I lie every time I compliment her or tell her how I feel about her. I never have said anything at all even close to it or even implied it at all. When I ask her why she thinks these things, she says “it’s just how she feels.” I have tried over and over again to dispel these feelings from her (for over a year now) but they just won’t go away. I don’t know what I can do to help with this anymore because it’s really just not true.

You can’t really battle against shadows. At least she isn’t accusing you of lying black on white. Speaking of which, let’s get some things straight: does she think you’re only saying those things to make her feel less bad, that you’re motivated by guilt for having dated her so long etc., or does she really use the word “lie”? Because there’s a huge difference between the two situations, at least in my book. Accusations of lying are a very serious problem. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who would did that without having something to back it up.

Issue two: She constantly wants to break up. Every time we are in a fight she tries to break up. I know that this happens in some relationships, but I genuinely feel that she means it. Other times, she seems that she really wants to be with me.

That’s a serious issue. Looks like a case of can’t be with you, can’t be without you. As a minimum (and giving her the maximum benefit of doubt), she needs serious therapy to recover the control of herself. Actually, she does sound like someone in need of therapy, not a bad manipulator. But you still can’t have a normal marriage with her until she fixes the issues.

Issue three: She can’t decide what she wants in life. The biggest case of this manifesting itself is the “stay at home mom/working mom” debate. Personally, I am absolutely firm in my desire to have a stay at home wife. I totally understand any person not wanting to be a stay at home mom, but that is something it is very important to me. Many times she has told me that “all she wants is to stay home to clean, cook and care for the children.”

You need to realise that you can’t dictate that choice to your future wife. Nor can you even make an agreement some time around the wedding and expect her to abide by it forever without changing her mind. Your desire to have a stay home wife is legitimate and important but a wife’s right to make her decisions (not without considering your feelings and your (name removed by moderator)ut, mind you, but just simply make them without being overridden or conclusively vetoed by you) is even more important and legitimate. Somebody’s right to direct his life pretty much always trumps your desire to have that person in a specific role. What is more, you must treat your future wife as an equal adult, someone who is not subject to your decisions about her life.

Also, a woman may love you and want to be with you but without being willing or happy to abide by that desire of yours. She may struggle to compromise. Some going back and forth or not being convinced is only natural in the situation.

Other times, though, she says she wants to have this job or that job. When I mention this would be an issue for me, at least until all of the children are grown, she gets angry with me. I’ve told her over and over that if she does not want to be a stay at home mom then I would never want her to be one, it just happens to be a blocker for me. Still, she claims I’m trying to force her to be a stay at home mom. She says that I’m trying to control her and force her to be the person I want her to be even though I tell her every time we discuss it that I don’t want her to change anything about herself for me. I don’t know what else I can do.

She may have a point there. You sound as though you were unable to let go of her but at the same time unable to accept her and be happy with her if she were not a stay home wife. This is something I’ve been through too. Sometimes one very much desires another to change. But the other does not want to change. Sometimes you must decide and take the decision on yourself, without making it look like it’s the other person’s choice. If she’s very agreeable to you but still not fully agreeable and you can’t take her as she is (or with minor adjustments she’s realistically capable of making), you may need to let her go. (Although, from what I’ve heard, women take it better when they do the breaking up than when you break up with them.)

Issue four: I can’t talk with her about our faith. Not for lack of trying, though. I really, really, really enjoy talking about my faith. Since the beginning of our relationship I have given it a shot and have tried talking about any number of issues. Sometimes she just thinks it is boring. Other times she gets offended (because she doesn’t agree with me, which is okay). Other times she thinks I’m bragging about my knowledge. She told me that she doesn’t mind talking about her faith/other important things with anybody except for me.

Perhaps ask other people to find out if they find your method of discussing the faith to be agreeable? People can be pretty forceful without realising, especially when they are dominant people talking to someone who doesn’t have a dominant personality.

Also, be very careful about pushing your own theological conclusions, inferences, revelations and discoveries on other people, no matter how logically sound you think they are.

 

[chevalier]

What looks like a necessary, inevitable conclusion to you may not look that to another person. And may still be wrong. People who are not specialists in a given field have this ability to be wrong when they don’t see how they could be. Theology is not an exception.

I don’t know what else I can say to that…I should be upset that she doesn’t want to talk to me specifically, right? I can be argumentative sometimes, though, so I can sort of understand this one. Still, I’ve been REALLY working on being argumentative recently and think I’ve made some progress, but she still won’t budge.

I’m near that point with one of my own closer relatives, a man twice my age. He has trouble separating his own ideas from whatever actual teaching he based them on, he’s very argumentative, does not let you speak, is ready to question anybody who disagrees with him, including established theology (and indeed some stuff that’s part of the magisterium when he doesn’t believe it to be sufficiently grounded in appropriate tradition). Talking to him about anything near theology is a nightmare. And it’s hard to talk to him about anything else than theology for long. This is extremely hard to deal with. I’ve grown to avoid him, I’m very hard pressed to combat the resentment that’s growing. Don’t allow your girlfriend to get to that point with you.

Issue five: I really feel that she doesn’t respect me. This is more abstract than the other issues, but I really feel like she doesn’t respect me. There are many, many situations where I tell her that I don’t feel comfortable with her hanging out with certain friends (because of the lifestyles they lead, etc). It seems like she completely disregards that, though.

You can’t and aren’t entitled to control her life. You aren’t her father or spiritual guide but an equal partner. You can’t really just hand down opinions on her friends and expect her to conduct herself accordingly.

Other times she may be participating in activities which many in the Church think are a bad idea,

What is important is whether those activities are immoral or not, what people think (even many people) is less important if any.

so I mention to her that there is a good chance it is wrong and she should be on the safe side. No regard there either.

Well, fair enough but again, she owes obedience to God and the Church but not to you. You can be frustrated that your advice is not successful in helping her see the light but your feelings of being respected or not depending on whether she heeds your advice are insignificant in importance next to her salvation or even her moral life. You need to see the due proportion and the real good or evil here. The good is salvation and moral life. The evil is sinning, acting immorally. This should be important to you. If your child gets hurt because of carelessness, will you focus on feeling disrespected because the child ignored your advice or will you focus on making sure your child is okay and understands that the activity is harmful?

Most of the time, though, she will ask me for advice and I’ll tell her what I honestly think based on the situation. Once I tell her, she’ll get upset with me and disagree with me and I drop it. She won’t follow the advice at all. Days or weeks later somebody else, ANYBODY else, will give her the EXACT same advice, except this time she follows it. I point out that I said the exact same thing awhile ago and she just says, “I know.”

Perhaps she needs some validation of her ideas from you and feels bad for not getting it, or perhaps she needs to validate your ideas with other people because she finds them hard to accept when she hears them only from you. Maybe with other people she doesn’t have that kind of internal opposition or conflict… have you tried laying out your positions gently and backing them up with understandable, accessible sources so that it’s not only your word or words of others that she can’t understand? Maybe she applies advice when she hears it from multiple sources, regardless who’s first or second or later?

I brought it up to her that I don’t think she respects me. She claims she does. I ask her how she respects me, she can’t answer. Literally in every situation (relationships, religious beliefs, the future, work, school) she specifically does NOT follow my advice.

You are not there to advise her and she is not there to follow your advice. She is not preparing to become your daughter or student but your wife.

I point this out, and she has literally nothing to say to it.

Because something like that would be hard to put in words. I am finding it easier to tell you because we’re both guys, you can take some, and I believe you’ve messed things up a bit and deserve to hear a couple of difficult words. It may be more difficult from her perspective if she’s a girl, she’s in a tender relationship with you and fears that you might leave her if she took it too far.

I know that I mess things up too.

Yes, you seem to be unduly hung up on the external respect and you seem to expect her to act like a daughter rather than girlfriend. Perhaps you grew up in a more patriarchal environment and she did not, that might be a cultural difference. But you need to tone those expectations down and allow her to be on par with you, not a notch under you.

What should I do? I’ve tried talking to her for over a year but it gets me nowhere. I really just need some solid advice on what to do here.

Both of you need to work out those issues. Hers seem to be more important if we rely on your words alone (which isn’t really a great idea, it’s always better to hear the other side too) but you need to fix some things too.