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1ke
Guest
Uh, why have you put up with this craziness for TWO YEARS?
These things are not fixable. Move on.
These things are not fixable. Move on.
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E_7
Guest
I second this!
[BIBLEDRB]Sirach 26:1-4[/BIBLEDRB]
[BIBLEDRB]Sirach 26:16-24[/BIBLEDRB]
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Alexalee23
Guest
You wonder why she doubts your feelings for her?
Your words of assurance cannot change that she “feels” your lack of acceptance every time you try to mold and control her.
Your love for her seems to be based upon her meeting your definition of marriage and how a wife should behave. What you wrote indicates you are sending “mixed messages” to her.
Controlling behavior says: “I do not like/love/accept you as you are.”
That is a huge obstacle to communication in a mature relationship - let alone a marriage.
She in turn, is using passive-aggressive (emotional) tactics in response to you controlling her. She is trying to get you to admit that you do not love her as she is.
This is a tough one. I think she is right. You may just need to accept it and move on.
This may be a more honest place to start REAL communication about the nature of the relationship. Her actions indicate she seems to sense a break-up may be best, but she may not want to be the one to initiate it.
You are courageous to ask for help, but truly, your list of issues would be a daunting task for even the most committed couple with a good counselor and many intensive counseling sessions.
The positive side is that you are not married yet. You are not required to “stay the course” when the vocation of marriage is not indicated for BOTH of you. To continue would only bring pain.
The purpose of dating is to understand yourself, your partner, and the relationship you have together with God, and to see if the vocation of marriage might be appropriate for BOTH of you. It’s not a debate, a mathematical equation, or a battle for control. Marriage is a calling.
From what you have written, I think you already have the answer in your heart. Talk to her with love, honesty and respect - not control. If you feel yourself getting “argumentative” as you put it, that’s a sure sign of a controlling nature, take a break, let her do all the talking and listen with your heart. God Bless.
I pray for God to strengthen you both and bless you to know what is in your hearts, and how to best express your love for each other.
Your words of assurance cannot change that she “feels” your lack of acceptance every time you try to mold and control her.
Your love for her seems to be based upon her meeting your definition of marriage and how a wife should behave. What you wrote indicates you are sending “mixed messages” to her.
Controlling behavior says: “I do not like/love/accept you as you are.”
That is a huge obstacle to communication in a mature relationship - let alone a marriage.
She in turn, is using passive-aggressive (emotional) tactics in response to you controlling her. She is trying to get you to admit that you do not love her as she is.
This is a tough one. I think she is right. You may just need to accept it and move on.
This may be a more honest place to start REAL communication about the nature of the relationship. Her actions indicate she seems to sense a break-up may be best, but she may not want to be the one to initiate it.
You are courageous to ask for help, but truly, your list of issues would be a daunting task for even the most committed couple with a good counselor and many intensive counseling sessions.
The positive side is that you are not married yet. You are not required to “stay the course” when the vocation of marriage is not indicated for BOTH of you. To continue would only bring pain.
The purpose of dating is to understand yourself, your partner, and the relationship you have together with God, and to see if the vocation of marriage might be appropriate for BOTH of you. It’s not a debate, a mathematical equation, or a battle for control. Marriage is a calling.
From what you have written, I think you already have the answer in your heart. Talk to her with love, honesty and respect - not control. If you feel yourself getting “argumentative” as you put it, that’s a sure sign of a controlling nature, take a break, let her do all the talking and listen with your heart. God Bless.
I pray for God to strengthen you both and bless you to know what is in your hearts, and how to best express your love for each other.
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jilly4ski
Guest
LOL, this is really all the advice you need, but I will elucidate a little too.
It sounds like you don’t respect her. And that’s fine. She seems to make questionable choices (friends, activities etc.), and uses questionable communication techniques to expresses questionable attitudes. It is normal to not respect people who we perceive to make questionable/bad choices.
Break up and move on.
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Bill_Martin
Guest
Don’t get married.
She sounds like she is afraid to be honest with you about why she thinks you are a liar, find her unattractive etc. There’s a reason she feels this way. She either needs to talk to you about it like an adult, or quit whining about it because she’s doing nothing to fix the problem if she never tells you what the problem is. The constant breaking up thing whenever you fight is a warning sign. She wants to be broken up but doesn’t want to do it nd wants you to make the decision for her. Lastly, if she doesn’t take her faith or yours seriously, then you will be making a choice between the girl or your faith if you get married.
For your part, you shouldn’t try to force her to be a stay at home mom. Not everyone is cut out for it or interested in it. She’s an adult; it’s her decision not yours. She absolutely can make her own decisions. You need to stop being so controlling. Break it off, let the two of you mature, and if she is meant for you, you’ll still have feelings for her later. It really sounds like you both need to grow up.
Don’t get married.
She sounds like she is afraid to be honest with you about why she thinks you are a liar, find her unattractive etc. There’s a reason she feels this way. She either needs to talk to you about it like an adult, or quit whining about it because she’s doing nothing to fix the problem if she never tells you what the problem is. The constant breaking up thing whenever you fight is a warning sign. She wants to be broken up but doesn’t want to do it nd wants you to make the decision for her. Lastly, if she doesn’t take her faith or yours seriously, then you will be making a choice between the girl or your faith if you get married.
For your part, you shouldn’t try to force her to be a stay at home mom. Not everyone is cut out for it or interested in it. She’s an adult; it’s her decision not yours. She absolutely can make her own decisions. You need to stop being so controlling. Break it off, let the two of you mature, and if she is meant for you, you’ll still have feelings for her later. It really sounds like you both need to grow up.
Don’t get married.
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mamaslo
Guest
The first part reminds me of me. Was she raised in an emotionally abusive home?
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Warandpeace
Guest
As a Catholic female I would have a serious problem considering marriage with someone who was unwilling to discuss morals with me. What if she wants to take birth control?!
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Jolly_Nicholas
Guest
I appreciate the comments from those users which were generous toward me/my girlfriend. For those which make the assumptions about my girlfriend or me, I am upset that I would receive that kind of judgement on this forum. I am not looking for people to tell me what my problem is or what my girlfriend’s problem is. I think she is a wonderful and beautiful person and I don’t want her to change anything.
Honestly, I got very upset after reading the first half of the replies which make sweeping accusations and assumptions about both her character and mine. I didn’t read the rest of the replies at first because I was really upset. I even spoke to her about the issue of me being controlling and she said that she really doesn’t think the situations I mentioned were me being controlling but were instead situations where I was expressing genuine concern that she chose to not notice.
Still, I’m glad I saw the later replies because many of them really spoke to my heart. Many of the comments I’ve read here have sparked a lot of deep thought for me and I’m sure that they will make for a great discussion for my girlfriend. I do appreciate the comments from everyone who took the time to respond genuinely and fairly to both my girlfriend and me without passing judgement. While some of the comments did upset me, I understand that negative responses are always to be expected. I actually feel much better about our relationship after reading a few of these posts.
Either way, I think I’ve gotten enough responses to this thread. Please do not post any further replies as I think most of what can be said has been said. I ask that all of you, even those who believe me to be a controlling, overbearing, and generally bad person, will pray for me with the kindness and charity that God would want. Thanks again, and God bless you all.
Honestly, I got very upset after reading the first half of the replies which make sweeping accusations and assumptions about both her character and mine. I didn’t read the rest of the replies at first because I was really upset. I even spoke to her about the issue of me being controlling and she said that she really doesn’t think the situations I mentioned were me being controlling but were instead situations where I was expressing genuine concern that she chose to not notice.
Still, I’m glad I saw the later replies because many of them really spoke to my heart. Many of the comments I’ve read here have sparked a lot of deep thought for me and I’m sure that they will make for a great discussion for my girlfriend. I do appreciate the comments from everyone who took the time to respond genuinely and fairly to both my girlfriend and me without passing judgement. While some of the comments did upset me, I understand that negative responses are always to be expected. I actually feel much better about our relationship after reading a few of these posts.
Either way, I think I’ve gotten enough responses to this thread. Please do not post any further replies as I think most of what can be said has been said. I ask that all of you, even those who believe me to be a controlling, overbearing, and generally bad person, will pray for me with the kindness and charity that God would want. Thanks again, and God bless you all.
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Lochias
Guest
Sounds like you were going to do what you wanted to do in the first place. 
Good luck. Sounds like you’re going to need all of it you can get.
Good luck. Sounds like you’re going to need all of it you can get.
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PaulGH
Guest
I think that people were just responding the best they could to what you wrote. No one here knows you or your girlfriend personally. The only information we have is what you chose to share in your post. And I think that the vast majority of responses here were good and fair responses based on that information.
Now, if the information in your post was wrong or misleading in some way, then yes, some of the replies could have been off-base, and based on faulty assumptions. But again, I think that the replies made reasonable conclusions, and gave good advice, based on the limited information that was given.
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TrixieMcGee
Guest
This. Maybe he isn’t controlling and she isn’t insecure, but from what he wrote, he sure made it sound that way.
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Armor_of_Light
Guest
Yes…good luck to you. You may want to print all this out and take another look in 10 years. One thing this forum is pretty good for is relationship advice from a catholic perspective.
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maryjk
Guest
Sounds like you were going to do what you wanted to do in the first place.
Good luck. Sounds like you’re going to need all of it you can get.
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Agatha813
Guest
Both of you have issues, but the ones to continue on with the relationship is you two. You want a housewife and she is insecure about what she wants to do. I know you want a housewife, but you have to think about how that could potentially hurt her in the future. What if you were to pass and she wouldn’t have anything to support herself or your future kids?
If she wants to work, I say let her work; as long as she can tend to herself, you, and a family. Also, you really wouldn’t want to keep her away from doing something she really loves, just because you want her in the house all day. I understand where you’re coming from, but she shouldn’t be forced into that position, just as she shouldn’t be forced to make up her mind right now. There’s plenty of time for marriage and deciding what you want to do with your life.
You both should have a solid foundation before jumping into something deeper. It usually goes wrong when you don’t have something solid.
I say, you two should keep on trying and talking it out, but if either of you is not willing to compromise: I say get away from that relationship, before it turns into a future failed marriage.
If she wants to work, I say let her work; as long as she can tend to herself, you, and a family. Also, you really wouldn’t want to keep her away from doing something she really loves, just because you want her in the house all day. I understand where you’re coming from, but she shouldn’t be forced into that position, just as she shouldn’t be forced to make up her mind right now. There’s plenty of time for marriage and deciding what you want to do with your life.
You both should have a solid foundation before jumping into something deeper. It usually goes wrong when you don’t have something solid.
I say, you two should keep on trying and talking it out, but if either of you is not willing to compromise: I say get away from that relationship, before it turns into a future failed marriage.
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admonsta
Guest
I get the impression from reading your initial post that you are both young-ish. I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 21. We were both a bit immature, had some stupid fights at times, split up once. My parents were against our marriage because they thought he wasn’t good for me. They didn’t know that I was just as bad, in different ways.
We did marriage counselling with some very traditional priests, and we went through a long list of issues that we would need to face in a Catholic marriage. The counselling caused a few huge fights, but eventually we were able to figure it all out, and nothing was left unsaid.
It was after this that we got married, and both of us grew up a bit more, and now we have been married 11 years, have 6 kids and it’s just getting better. I can say without doubt, if we had not got good counselling before our marriage, things would have been much different.
Please, find a good, solid marriage guidance counsellor and work through the whole thing. Then make your decision.
We did marriage counselling with some very traditional priests, and we went through a long list of issues that we would need to face in a Catholic marriage. The counselling caused a few huge fights, but eventually we were able to figure it all out, and nothing was left unsaid.
It was after this that we got married, and both of us grew up a bit more, and now we have been married 11 years, have 6 kids and it’s just getting better. I can say without doubt, if we had not got good counselling before our marriage, things would have been much different.
Please, find a good, solid marriage guidance counsellor and work through the whole thing. Then make your decision.
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