It's finally happened. my bf and I are splitting up

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Joelle_M

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I won’t bore you all with the details, I’ve posted on our complicated relationship a few times already. The jist of the story- we have an almost 16 year old son together and have been living in sin for the majority of those 16 years.

I’ve felt a calling to return to my faith the last few years and am living in a separate room (have been for months now). We’ve just decided to part ways. I am choosing to put God first in my life, and have realized how self destructive to my soul my relationship is. Not only that, but I have NOT been a good example to my son over the years.

He (my ex) told me a few days ago that his intension is to have our son at his house every other week… and I fear that will not go over well with our son. I get the impression he wants ro do this solely to avoid paying too much child/spousal support:( although I pray i’m wrong. My son and I are very close, I’ve been the one to take care of him all of these years, the constant nurturer. . While his dad has shown more interest in his friends and fun. My son doesn’t want to live with him part time, he wants to live with me and visit with his dad.

I don’t want to wind up having to take this to court, i’ve made that much clear to my ex… but to protect my son, and give him the much needed support and stability he needs, I will go that route if I have to.

I would appreciate any advice anyone can give me. I am trying to go at this in a non negative way. Praying that God leads the way and softens his heart, that He helps him understand. I fear that pushing this to the courts will fog my road… I feel like if Mike doesn’t agree to our terms, that it may be because God wills him to have his son living with him as well… that it’s His will.

I would never stand in my ex’s way, he loves his son… I want him to have a relationship with him… but I don’t want to force it on my son. I fear it would be too hard on him.

I’d appreciate any prayers you can throw our way. I don’t pray that I get my way- I pray that God gets His way… and that He gives me the ability to accept whatever His will may be… even if it’s hard for us to understand and accept.
 
He’s 16. Whatever support you get, it will end the day he turns 18. Trying to get child support for what will amount to only a couple of years may create more problems than it solves. Only you can decide.

Depending on what state you live in, your son is old enough to tell the court where he would rather be, and the state is allowed to consider that in their decision. He is old enough to give a sworn statement to the court under oath regarding his relationship with both of you. What your ex wants is irrelevant at this age. His son is almost a man. Whatever issues there are between them won’t have to be filtered through the legal system after that day.
 
ahollars said:
He’s 16. Whatever support you get, it will end the day he turns 18. Trying to get child support for what will amount to only a couple of years may create more problems than it solves. Only you can decide.

Depending on what state you live in, your son is old enough to tell the court where he would rather be, and the state is allowed to consider that in their decision. He is old enough to give a sworn statement to the court under oath regarding his relationship with both of you. What your ex wants is irrelevant at this age. His son is almost a man. Whatever issues there are between them won’t have to be filtered through the legal system after that day.
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That’s all true.

I would also encourage the OP to think very seriously about her son’s future and figure out how to get him from point A (teenager at home) to point B (independent adult).
 
Xantippe said:
That’s all true.

I would also encourage the OP to think very seriously about her son’s future and figure out how to get him from point A (teenager at home) to point B (independent adult).
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Sorry to sound daft, but can you elaborate on what you mean?
 
I don’t have any advice, but I do promise to pray a Rosary for you, and to offer my next Holy Communion (probably later today) for your intentions. 🙂
 
ahollars said:
He’s 16. Whatever support you get, it will end the day he turns 18. Trying to get child support for what will amount to only a couple of years may create more problems than it solves. Only you can decide.

Depending on what state you live in, your son is old enough to tell the court where he would rather be, and the state is allowed to consider that in their decision. He is old enough to give a sworn statement to the court under oath regarding his relationship with both of you. What your ex wants is irrelevant at this age. His son is almost a man. Whatever issues there are between them won’t have to be filtered through the legal system after that day.
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I agree in a way, with your point of view that it’d be a tedious process- but it would also mean the difference between me just being to make ends meet, and me being able to have a life. I make good money, but having to support myself, my son, take care of our 2 dogs, as well as a house and all of the bills to boot would be tough. He makes double what I make. He can afford it, but I think he realizes that it would seriously cut into his fun. He is the type to go out to party in a bar with his friends and cover the tab. It isn’t shocking anymore for me to find $400 bar receipts in his pockets. If I didn’t know him so well, I could assume that he covered a bill and everyone paid him in cash for their portion - but I know him. That’s what he’s like… he’s extremely generous with his friends (and their dates) especially when he’s been drinking. And he doesn’t deny it- he admits to it.

In my point of view- waiving child support means that money keeps going into bar owner pockets, when it could go towards making me and his son more comfortable.

I feel bad thinking that money is the thing really motivating him here, but he’s the free bird kind of a person. Our relationship has always meant me taking a back seat to his wants and needs. He loves to party, so much so, that he is choosing his freedom over his family. I have a hard time imagining my son having to spend every other week in his home. He doesn’t clean. He treats his son like a butler. And his patience is extremely fickle- his knee jerk reaction is always to assume the worst and let his temper get the best of him. He’s a nice guy, don’t get me wrong- but he’s spoiled… he’s used to getting his way… he always has. My son is extremely caring… he’s got a big heart. He’s not closed off like his dad, he likes to talk things through and is reasonable. When he needs something, he comes to his mom because he’s worried that his dad will just become angry, so he wants me to approach him (as a buffer).

I hope I haven’t made him sound like a monster. He’s not… he’s got a huge heart, but he is lost. He’s got major daddy issues and comes from a broken home. I find the best way to deal with him (lately) is to appeal to his kindness and act more submissive, approaching topics in a way that make him feel like he’s in control. I value his (name removed by moderator)ut and opinions, but I have to stay true to my own too.
 
Joelle_M said:
I agree in a way, with your point of view that it’d be a tedious process- but it would also mean the difference between me just being to make ends meet, and me being able to have a life. I make good money, but having to support myself, my son, take care of our 2 dogs, as well as a house and all of the bills to boot would be tough. He makes double what I make. He can afford it, but I think he realizes that it would seriously cut into his fun. He is the type to go out to party in a bar with his friends and cover the tab. It isn’t shocking anymore for me to find $400 bar receipts in his pockets. If I didn’t know him so well, I could assume that he covered a bill and everyone paid him in cash for their portion - but I know him. That’s what he’s like… he’s extremely generous with his friends (and their dates) especially when he’s been drinking. And he doesn’t deny it- he admits to it.

In my point of view- waiving child support means that money keeps going into bar owner pockets, when it could go towards making me and his son more comfortable.

I feel bad thinking that money is the thing really motivating him here, but he’s the free bird kind of a person. Our relationship has always meant me taking a back seat to his wants and needs. He loves to party, so much so, that he is choosing his freedom over his family. I have a hard time imagining my son having to spend every other week in his home. He doesn’t clean. He treats his son like a butler. And his patience is extremely fickle- his knee jerk reaction is always to assume the worst and let his temper get the best of him. He’s a nice guy, don’t get me wrong- but he’s spoiled… he’s used to getting his way… he always has. My son is extremely caring… he’s got a big heart. He’s not closed off like his dad, he likes to talk things through and is reasonable. When he needs something, he comes to his mom because he’s worried that his dad will just become angry, so he wants me to approach him (as a buffer).

I hope I haven’t made him sound like a monster. He’s not… he’s got a huge heart, but he is lost. He’s got major daddy issues and comes from a broken home. I find the best way to deal with him (lately) is to appeal to his kindness and act more submissive, approaching topics in a way that make him feel like he’s in control. I value his (name removed by moderator)ut and opinions, but I have to stay true to my own too.
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I don’t want you to think I’m taking his side, but you need to proceed with caution. If he really is that well off financially, then he’ll have the money to fight you in court with lawyers. You need to decide what you want more - to barely get by with your son and without him, or to have a life, but he still gets to have his influence. As much as you might not like it, you cannot have it both ways. The only way you can get support out of him and get sole custody is for you to prove abuse, neglect, or gross irresponsibility, and you will need SOLID proof for a court to accept it after this many years.

There’s also the other issue: the support ends on the 18th birthday. Then what?
 
ahollars said:
I don’t want you to think I’m taking his side, but you need to proceed with caution. If he really is that well off financially, then he’ll have the money to fight you in court with lawyers. You need to decide what you want more - to barely get by with your son and without him, or to have a life, but he still gets to have his influence. As much as you might not like it, you cannot have it both ways. The only way you can get support out of him and get sole custody is for you to prove abuse, neglect, or gross irresponsibility, and you will need SOLID proof for a court to accept it after this many years.

There’s also the other issue: the support ends on the 18th birthday. Then what?
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I guess his words really just caught me off guard. It never even occurred to me that he was considering having him live with him part time. I hope his intensions are noble- but I can’t shake the feeling that he’s completely being driven by greed. I would rather take less money, and settle this on our own, and keep my son with me. I’m hoping to appeal to his sensible side. I am really hoping it doesn’t have to come down to his son actually having to utter the words “I want to live with mom”… because it would break both my son’s and his heart.

I emailed him pleading with him, asking he think about it. Telling him that especially in the beginning, when the hurt is so fresh- that he will need to feel some stability- that making him move back and forth like a gypsy would be too hard on him. He never responded to my email and when I brought it up, he dismissively said “yeah, and he’ll have stability”.

I’m sure this while thing is hard on him too. The thought of having to be alone all of a sudden, without a mate, or his son, and his dogs has got to be scary. But I just wish he’d realize that his actions, his lack of effort spending time with his son over the years has created a serious problem… and that forcing this on his son would do him a lot of harm.
 
Joelle_M said:
I agree in a way, with your point of view that it’d be a tedious process- but it would also mean the difference between me just being to make ends meet, and me being able to have a life. I make good money, but having to support myself, my son, take care of our 2 dogs, as well as a house and all of the bills to boot would be tough. He makes double what I make. He can afford it, but I think he realizes that it would seriously cut into his fun. He is the type to go out to party in a bar with his friends and cover the tab. It isn’t shocking anymore for me to find $400 bar receipts in his pockets. If I didn’t know him so well, I could assume that he covered a bill and everyone paid him in cash for their portion - but I know him. That’s what he’s like… he’s extremely generous with his friends (and their dates) especially when he’s been drinking. And he doesn’t deny it- he admits to it.

In my point of view- waiving child support means that money keeps going into bar owner pockets, when it could go towards making me and his son more comfortable.

I feel bad thinking that money is the thing really motivating him here, but he’s the free bird kind of a person. Our relationship has always meant me taking a back seat to his wants and needs. He loves to party, so much so, that he is choosing his freedom over his family. I have a hard time imagining my son having to spend every other week in his home. He doesn’t clean. He treats his son like a butler. And his patience is extremely fickle- his knee jerk reaction is always to assume the worst and let his temper get the best of him. He’s a nice guy, don’t get me wrong- but he’s spoiled… he’s used to getting his way… he always has. My son is extremely caring… he’s got a big heart. He’s not closed off like his dad, he likes to talk things through and is reasonable. When he needs something, he comes to his mom because he’s worried that his dad will just become angry, so he wants me to approach him (as a buffer).

I hope I haven’t made him sound like a monster. He’s not… he’s got a huge heart, but he is lost. He’s got major daddy issues and comes from a broken home. I find the best way to deal with him (lately) is to appeal to his kindness and act more submissive, approaching topics in a way that make him feel like he’s in control. I value his (name removed by moderator)ut and opinions, but I have to stay true to my own too.
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:eek: You have a 16 year old son who will be a man in two short years. Barring abuse or a substance problem, he needs his father’s influence more than you need child support. I know you said that you’re the nurturing one, and that’s great, he needs that too. But keeping your son from his father for money is a disservice to them both. Immaturity doesn’t make him a bad father - no one is a perfect parent. You say he has a huge heart, so don’t deprive your son. And even if your son wants to stay with you, you should encourage him to get as much time with his dad as possible (up to equal time).

It sounds like you’re the one who’s making parenting choices based on money, not your soon to be ex.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
:eek: You have a 16 year old son who will be a man in two short years. Barring abuse or a substance problem, he needs his father’s influence more than you need child support. I know you said that you’re the nurturing one, and that’s great, he needs that too. But keeping your son from his father for money is a disservice to them both. Immaturity doesn’t make him a bad father - no one is a perfect parent. You say he has a huge heart, so don’t deprive your son. And even if your son wants to stay with you, you should encourage him to get as much time with his dad as possible (up to equal time).

It sounds like you’re the one who’s making parenting choices based on money, not your soon to be ex.
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In 2 short years- he will be an adult. Right now, he is 2 weeks shy of 16 years old and he is not an adult. I know you’ve gathered your opinion of my actions based on what I have written, so you only have so much info to go on… but please be assured that my actions are not fuelled by the money. I am willing to take less money, if it means settling outside of court and making sure my son is protected. He found out less than a week ago and has barely slept the last 3 days. If giving him the living arrangements he prefers, especially in the beginning, makes this whole situation more bearable for him- then that’s what we have to do.
 
Get a good lawyer.

Support doesn’t necessarily end at eighteen. If your DS goes to college, support and contributions can be part of your BF’s financial obligation, and an extremely important one. It’s more than a case of your being comfortable now.

I know this sounds mercenary, but there’s a lot more to it than that. It can be devastating to your son’s self-worth to think that his DF’s bar friends are more important to him than he is. Believe me, I know whereof I speak.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
:eek: You have a 16 year old son who will be a man in two short years. Barring abuse or a substance problem, he needs his father’s influence more than you need child support. I know you said that you’re the nurturing one, and that’s great, he needs that too. But keeping your son from his father for money is a disservice to them both. Immaturity doesn’t make him a bad father - no one is a perfect parent. You say he has a huge heart, so don’t deprive your son. And even if your son wants to stay with you, you should encourage him to get as much time with his dad as possible (up to equal time).

It sounds like you’re the one who’s making parenting choices based on money, not your soon to be ex.
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Wow! That’s not what I got from the OP at all. I don’t see where she wanted to keep her DS from his father entirely, just not to defer to joint custody, which can be very unsettling for a child. They need stability and order, not to be shuttled back and forth between two homes.

I probably feel so strongly because a friend shared custody with her ex. Every Friday and Saturday night, the ex was out partying and the DS was at home alone unless a friend’s parent would offer him transportation. (He refused to let my friend “interfere” with his time with his son.) His needs were constantly placed below the DF’s wants. It got so bad that the school finally contacted my friend because they felt her son was showing suicidal tendencies. With their help she regained full custody.

No child needs the influence of a parent who chooses to spend his money and time with friends instead of his child.
 
Book_Worm said:
Get a good lawyer.

Support doesn’t necessarily end at eighteen. If your DS goes to college, support and contributions can be part of your BF’s financial obligation, and an extremely important one. It’s more than a case of your being comfortable now.

I know this sounds mercenary, but there’s a lot more to it than that. It can be devastating to your son’s self-worth to think that his DF’s bar friends are more important to him than he is. Believe me, I know whereof I speak.
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I’m sorry you went through that:( That, is exactly where my son is right now. He knows his dad loves him, that much is obvious, but he feels his dad values his friends more than him- and it’s heart breaking
 
OP, you need to talk to a family law attorney to learn what your, and your son’s, rights are.
 
PaulfromIowa said:
OP, you need to talk to a family law attorney to learn what your, and your son’s, rights are.
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I called to make an appointment for next week. I really hope it doesn’t come to that though. I really hope he’ll do some soul searching and that we’ll be able to come up with something that works for all 3 of us. Luckily for me, we still have a lot of work to do around the house to get it ready to sell, so that means time. For now I’ll just continue to pray for God’s help and hope things take a turn for the better. Who knows… maybe God will gift him with a life changing “Scrooge” dream from now until then and he’ll change his life. I’m tempted to tell him to start working on repairing his relationship with his son now. If it’s really important to him that his son live with him half the time, and it has nothing to do with money, then he should have no issues with putting the effort in. If he can’t manage to fix it sufficiently, by the time we split- then he will have to live with the mess he created. I can’t force our son to live like that
 
Kids need both parents.

Statistically, the preferred arrangements for kids are:
  • Intact home with Mom and Dad
  • Shared custody
  • Father custody
  • Mom custody
What do you think your son needs to be protected from? How will being kept away from living with Dad make him feel more connected to him, vice less? Especially if he already sees Dad as more connected to his friends? Down the road, will your son view your ‘protecting’ him as having been a barrier to him maintaining a good relationship with his Dad? Will he blame

Here’s how a tween girl viewed their mom, when Mom made it so the girl didn’t feel comfortable in Mom’s new home. The kid also stated she wished there’d been a fight over custody, that her Mom would have cared enough to make an issue out of it:

"I really wish my Mom hadn’t left. I mean yeah I joke about it all the time and can have a dark sense of humor about it. However, the truth is she picked other things and other people over me. No wonder my self-esteem is nonexistant I wasn’t enough to make my own Mother stick around and at the end of the day it hurts… and I don’t know what to do about that.”

That’s even with her mother visiting her in the home with the father every morning before school, bringing dinner once a week, visiting a few times during the week/weekends. Your son’s preferences are worth considering, but at 16 he may not know what is best for him. I would recommend making the effort so that your son has faith that he has two parents that love him, and homes with both of them.

Even if you succeed in having sole custody— strongly encourage your boyfriend to set up a room in his new home that is your son’s room.
 
I don’t have any advice but I did want to let you know how touching it is that you love your son and God so much. You are making the right decisions for the right reasons and God will see you through this difficult period.

Love and prayers to your family.
 
styrgwillidar said:
Kids need both parents.

Statistically, the preferred arrangements for kids are:
  • Intact home with Mom and Dad
  • Shared custody
  • Father custody
  • Mom custody
What do you think your son needs to be protected from? How will being kept away from living with Dad make him feel more connected to him, vice less? Especially if he already sees Dad as more connected to his friends? Down the road, will your son view your ‘protecting’ him as having been a barrier to him maintaining a good relationship with his Dad? Will he blame

Here’s how a tween girl viewed their mom, when Mom made it so the girl didn’t feel comfortable in Mom’s new home. The kid also stated she wished there’d been a fight over custody, that her Mom would have cared enough to make an issue out of it:

"I really wish my Mom hadn’t left. I mean yeah I joke about it all the time and can have a dark sense of humor about it. However, the truth is she picked other things and other people over me. No wonder my self-esteem is nonexistant I wasn’t enough to make my own Mother stick around and at the end of the day it hurts… and I don’t know what to do about that.”

That’s even with her mother visiting her in the home with the father every morning before school, bringing dinner once a week, visiting a few times during the week/weekends. Your son’s preferences are worth considering, but at 16 he may not know what is best for him. I would recommend making the effort so that your son has faith that he has two parents that love him, and homes with both of them.

Even if you succeed in having sole custody— strongly encourage your boyfriend to set up a room in his new home that is your son’s room.
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I meant protecting his heart. His sense of security, and respecting his will. I would love nothing more, than to have him want to be with his dad as much as me… because that would mean that my son feels loved and cherished by his dad. Short of showing up to his sporting events, that’s all he’s ever been willing to do. My son has asked him countless times to do stuff with him- sporting events, golf, anything… but his dad is always too busy, or tired, or says it’s too expensive… yet he always has the money, and energy, and time required to go out drinking and partying with his friends.
Mikey also doesn’t know how to approach him when he needs things, or has a problem. His dad always assumes the worst and goes straight to accusing and getting angry and screaming. I know that he is that way because his step dad was really strict, but my son is kind, and gentle… and easy to reason with. He seldom needs a lecture, he just wants to talk things out and his dad doesn’t know how to do that.

I would want him to have a room at his dad’s, I want him to want to spend time there, and I would encourage it as much as I can, but I can’t force him to live there half the time if he doesn’t want to. His relationship with his dad is the way it is because his dad has neglected it for so long. That’s no fault of my son, that’s an adult’s- a parent’s responsibility. Know what I mean?
 
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