It's getting ugly-my mom

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rayne89

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I’ve posted about my mom before. (Sorry this is long). She’s 85 now my dad’s about turn 83. She has mental problems that go way back. They exploded when my sister died in 1985. My sister was 21 I was 13. It was just me and my sister, I have no other siblings. We have no family near by -all out of state or out of the country. My mom became nasty, abusive, delusional, hysterical. My dad tried to get her mental help but my mom can come off sweet as pie to outsiders. I thought I had made peace with my childhood. I thought I had put it behind me, realized she’s mentally ill and tried very hard to see it through that lens.

My dad bought a second house in the 90’s to have someplace to go when she gets to be too much. Now that they are getting up there in age and developed numerous health concerns I’ve started going to the doctors with them, first with my mom and recently with my dad. My dad has had some scary blood pressures as of late. He had all the cardiac tests done and things look quite good for his age. Stress seems to be the main cause. My dad and I have always been closer even before my sister became sick. My sister was closer with my mom. And after she died my mom said (well screamed) unspeakable things to me which didn’t make our relationship any better.

I, for the most part, have been pretty good about tuning out my mom’s rantings about my dad even though I know what she’s saying is distorted truths or flat out lies. And she has been better about not going off to much with me. Recently with dad experiencing chest pains, going to the emergency room with skyrocketing blood pressure -and venting about my mom (which is completely unlike him) -he’s called his cousin, told the doctor, his visiting nurse and talks to me about it -I have lost my ability to be rational and empathetic toward my mom. About a month ago on the way home from one of my mom’s doctors appointments my mom started in on my dad -it evolved into my dad is a Nazi (that’s not new), but now his whole family are Nazi’s and she received a letter from my uncle with a Nazi stamp on it (they are German). Something went off in me and I raged like I have never done in my entire life. My voice was hoarse by the time I was done.

Yesterday my dad had a cardiology appointment, I was going with him. My mom invited herself along. After the appointment we went down to the cafeteria to eat. (The office is at a hospital.) While we were in line my mom’s diabetes supply company called my cell (I’ve been handling it for her because her hearing is bad) I asked her what she needed and I ordered her supplies for her. After we were at the table and my dad got up to use the restroom she proceeded to verbally attack me. Blaming me for her marriage problems. I said “You’ve been blaming me since I was a kid mom it’s not my fault.” She continued and I talked over her repeating “It’s not my fault” over and over and over. She then said “He acts worse when you are around”

(What brought this on since my mom decided she was coming in to the exam room -my dad introduced her as “his crazy wife.”) This is apparently my fault because according to her he shows off when I’m around. My mom has bashed him in front of her doctors for years calling him a “control freak” , “abusive” ect. This was a first for my dad although he told me he told this same doctor about my mom in the emergency room.

So back to her attack on me -obviously I’m the problem not her nasty behavior that’s been going on since before thanksgiving. So I snap and say “If I’m such a problem you can take care of your own damn self.” Completely not like me. I got up and walked out of the cafeteria to calm down. She calls after me “you always got to make such drama.” Picture this in a heavy Italian accent. Drama is her new talk show favorite word -it used to be “control freak”.

Anyway what truly pushed me over the edge when she came walking out with dad smiling from ear to ear like a cat that ate the canary. And says with a big smile come on, what’s the matter? You need to calm down." I flashed back to my childhood where she would scream and scream and I would fight not to react to her and she finally get me and I start crying and then she’s smile and walk away.
 
I told her “don’t tell me to calm down and don’t talk to me”. I walked next to my dad. We were almost out of the hospital when my mom remembers she had an appointment at a bank that we have now missed -which of course is my dad’s fault. We stop because she wants to call the bank. She digs through her purse, her hands are now shaking a little. She finally finds it and tries to call on her cell phone. My dad is offering to help her but she won’t take it. She can’t understand what number she is supposed to push and gets frustrated and hangs up. She says to me “I need you to call.” And I smiled “Oh now you need my help?” She’s not smiling now. “I always need your help” she says. “Really? I thought I was the problem?”

My dad is offering to call and she won’t take it. She says “I want (my name) to call.” I said “After you insult me -no.” She is staring at me at that canary smile is gone. “No mom I’m not.” My dad’s says “let me call.” I said “Let him call, you were just telling me he’s your husband. Let your husband call.” So she let him. Part of her attack at the table was “She’s the wife -its her husband” I’m “the child” and I “take over the doctor appointment”.

I have never done this before and truthfully after her sickening smile I was thrilled that she knew she was going to have to ask me for something. Its all ugly, so ugly and don’t know if I can get back to realizing she did the best she could and her brain is twisted. I’m afraid she’s going to cause my dad to have a stroke and because of that fear I’ve lost my ability to step back and see the mental illness. We fought all the way home and she said her ugly twisted stories and I went back to my childhood and brought up all the ugliness she visited upon me (which she denied and called me a liar) she also said “you teachers always said your were good at coming up with stories.” Using the praise from teachers at my writing ability as an insult which she’s done since I was 13. Its terrible. I just want her to go away.
 
rayne89 said:
I have never done this before and truthfully after her sickening smile I was thrilled that she knew she was going to have to ask me for something. Its all ugly, so ugly and don’t know if I can get back to realizing she did the best she could and her brain is twisted. I’m afraid she’s going to cause my dad to have a stroke and because of that fear I’ve lost my ability to step back and see the mental illness. We fought all the way home and she said her ugly twisted stories and I went back to my childhood and brought up all the ugliness she visited upon me (which she denied and called me a liar) she also said “you teachers always said your were good at coming up with stories.” Using the praise from teachers at my writing ability as an insult which she’s done since I was 13. Its terrible. I just want her to go away.
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I hear you. I really struggle with knowing how much of my mother’s behavior is under her control, and how much is an inborn personality or mental disorder, how much is a combination of that and choices she made to wallow in her envy, hatred, and bitterness. Funny thing, my mother, too, has told people, as an insult, that I have ‘quite the imagination.’ Like you, I have writing ability. But she’s turned it into an insult and accusation of lying.

I have no answer. I simply stay away from my parents. They have three other children to care for them (apart from the fact they’re still in good enough health to care for themselves.) If it were only me, I’d probably help them when they needed it, but then the playing field would be more even–them and me, rather than them and all their children and daughters/sons in law caught in the family dysfunction against me.

If it were only me, and I were determined to help them, despite her mistreatment, I’d probably draw some boundaries, very similar to what you have done, and simply say, You want my help. Now stop being so abusive.

My prayers are with you.
 
Wow, what an unfortunate and sad situation. I feel so badly for you.

What you describe in your mother is not something due to her age…sounds like she’s always been this way. Unfortunately you cannot "save"either her or your Dad.

I can’t advise you what to do…only you can decide that for yourself. If it were me, I think I’d have a private conversation with Dad (who HAS to know what’s been going on between you and Mom for years)…and say something to the effect of…I love you and want a relationship with you. I love my Mom but cannot have a relationship with her other than to pray for her from afar. I have to pull back. If you want one-on-one time with me, I’ll be happy to meet you, etc. But I cannot let my mother do this to me any longer, and I will be staying away from her.
 
You need to get professional counseling to help you respond to your mom when she goes off on you like that. At her age and mental state, she is not going to change, you can only change how you react to her verbal attacks. Can she live on her own? It sounds like your dad has some serious health problems; if he was not in the picture could she get along by herself? Maybe it’s time to look into assisted care facilities for both of them.
 
holyrood said:
I hear you. I really struggle with knowing how much of my mother’s behavior is under her control, and how much is an inborn personality or mental disorder, how much is a combination of that and choices she made to wallow in her envy, hatred, and bitterness. Funny thing, my mother, too, has told people, as an insult, that I have ‘quite the imagination.’ Like you, I have writing ability. But she’s turned it into an insult and accusation of lying.

I have no answer. I simply stay away from my parents…If it were only me, and I were determined to help them, despite her mistreatment, I’d probably draw some boundaries, very similar to what you have done, and simply say, You want my help. Now stop being so abusive.

My prayers are with you.
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Likewise! So we’re not alone in this, unfortunately.

Praying for you.

:hug1:

SM
 
That sounds like enough to make even the sanest person go crazy.

You all should be in counseling. However, if your mother won’t go, you and your Dad should, just to give you somebody to talk to about your problems, a neutral person, who won’t judge you and be supportive of you.

You need all the emotional/moral support you can get.

If you have health insurance, it might cover a few visits.

It’ll be the opportunity to vent your emotions, and if there are some options, to examine those in an objective fashion.

In the meantime, I hope your Dad’s on blood pressure medication. I take it that he is.

I’m a stranger, I know, but you can PM me anytime. Think it was Chesterton who said a lot of times we are the most honest with total strangers, anyway!

😉

Good luck, and I’ll say a prayer for you all.

Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blest is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. :angel1:
 
Pax2u said:
Wow, what an unfortunate and sad situation. I feel so badly for you.

What you describe in your mother is not something due to her age…sounds like she’s always been this way. Unfortunately you cannot "save"either her or your Dad.

I can’t advise you what to do…only you can decide that for yourself. If it were me, I think I’d have a private conversation with Dad (who HAS to know what’s been going on between you and Mom for years)…and say something to the effect of…I love you and want a relationship with you. I love my Mom but cannot have a relationship with her other than to pray for her from afar. I have to pull back. If you want one-on-one time with me, I’ll be happy to meet you, etc. But I cannot let my mother do this to me any longer, and I will be staying away from her.
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Yes my dad is well aware -its been both of is surviving her craziness for a long time. If I completely pull out of my relationship with my mom, my dad will take all of the abuse. She will kill him from stress and I won’t have that. These past several months I have purposefully taken over the doctor appointments with my mom to give my dad some relief. I tell him to stay home because she is nastier to him than to me. He asked for Xanax at his cardiology appointment and got an Rx-I was glad but sad.

My dad is retired senior engineer from Chrysler, he’s been the strong one my whole life and this is how his last years have to be. For the first time since I was a teenager I had serious thoughts about saying just leave her. Let her family have her back and get some peace. He’s been talking so much more lately, he’s at his wits end.

As we left the doctor yesterday my mom announces loudly “Next time we’ll ask for a prescription for a divorce.” My mom has always accused me of taking sides when I’m very careful not to demonstrate that at all. If I don’t flat out agree with her delusions I’m “taking his side.” I’m about ready to though. There is another side of her when she’s not having an episode when she is funny, celebrates life, and can be very kind. She saves most of that for others, but she does have another side. But I’m so sick of how unbelievably mean she can be, just nasty mean. My dad gets her flowers, they are not the right kind. It actually makes me sad that he still tries -and then is attacked. Yesterday after all her nastiness, we’re at the cafeteria and she’s holding her soup and he’s like “here put it here so you don’t have to carry it.” And he kept offering to help her call even though she blamed him for her forgetting about the bank because she “had to rush this morning to go to the doctor with him.” When she didn’t have to come at all.

I thank all of you for your prayers and being a listening ear.
 
Again, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I will certainly keep you in my prayers.

Sounds like you have decided to stick it out to be there for your Dad. In that case, get at much good out of the bad situation as you can…offer it up for the Souls in Purgatory. You’ll probably help many souls reach heaven quicker!!! Then you’ll have extra souls praying for you, as well.

Hang in there.
 
Catholic1954 said:
You need to get professional counseling to help you respond to your mom when she goes off on you like that. At her age and mental state, she is not going to change, you can only change how you react to her verbal attacks. Can she live on her own? It sounds like your dad has some serious health problems; if he was not in the picture could she get along by herself? Maybe it’s time to look into assisted care facilities for both of them.
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I did counseling with my mom shortly after my daughter was born because we had stopped speaking. After a while the counselor told me in a private session my mom is not capable of change and just like you said I have to change my reactions which for the most part I have been able to do. Its my dad’s recent health issues that have made it harder because I truly am a afraid she will be the death of him.
This past summer I took her to see my priest. My dad is willing to go to the priest and talk but my mom says not yet she has to see him again first to “tell him more of her story”. My priest is well aware of my mom’s mental problems. He’s heard me in confession enough times.In fact when I confessed how I raged at my mom last month he asked me “Did she have it coming?” and “Did she get the message?”
My dad won’t go to a counselor because my mom is very good at playing the victim and not acting mental in public. She convince the counselor that my dad was the controlling , abusive husband and she was the frustrated victim. After that he was done. He asked me to set up something with my priest but since my dad actually wants to go my mom doesn’t. I may ask my dad if he wants to go see my priest alone. He really needs someone to talk to. He’s at the other house right now. My mom is probably full on mental right now. I should check on her but I’m too thin skinned right now to handle that conversation.
 
Praying for you and your family. Praying that your Mother receives the help she needs. God bless.
 
Call their doctors office and see if they could recommend a social worker to help you with your care giving role. Usually hospitals have this service and it helps you establish your duties. You may also be educated to programs your parents are eligible for.

Helping our parents in their twighliht is part of Gods healing. Sometimes it forces us to explore places we fail to forgive. We might learn how to witness humility can cause people to fall to their spiritual knees. Other times we learn how to die. Certainly, it’s frustrating since these are hard lessons, but God showers graces during these challenging times.
 
My mom wants to go to assisted living place (the apartment kind) but she thinks my dad is going to go with her. He would never and how she doesn’t know this after over 50 years of marriage just tells me how delusional she is. He can’t hardly stand being in a 3 bedroom house with her and he going to live in a tiny apartment with her? She doesn’t understand why he has a second house and absolutely does not connect it to her behavior or think it has anything to do with it. She blames his friend from work from “brainwashing him in to doing it.” Like he’s some kid who was peer pressured into buying some house.

I’ve taken her to look at places but there’s always finds something she doesn’t like. I wish she would go to one of those places. I could probably even get my dad to seriously look into it but truthfully my mom is deathly afraid of change so she will find a reason not to like it. It took her over five years to pick out a car after dragging my dad to dealership after dealership, calling ads in the paper. They finally bought a car they were already leasing.

I’ve really thought about talking it over seriously with my dad but I worry its going to be another dragged out mess that she creates and uses to bring more chaos than anything. She only talks about going to one by herself if they get a divorce.
 
Giggly_Giraffe said:
Call their doctors office and see if they could recommend a social worker to help you with your care giving role. Usually hospitals have this service and it helps you establish your duties. You may also be educated to programs your parents are eligible for.

Helping our parents in their twighliht is part of Gods healing. Sometimes it forces us to explore places we fail to forgive. We might learn how to witness humility can cause people to fall to their spiritual knees. Other times we learn how to die. Certainly, it’s frustrating since these are hard lessons, but God showers graces during these challenging times.
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Yes I do think I need to look for outside help. I have serious medical problems of my own which will continue to decline and doing this on my own is making me crazy. I’m on vacation from work right now or this would be a lot harder.
 
Two suggestions: does your hospital have any support groups? Some hospitals have support groups for relatives of people with mental illnesses, or maybe just elderly people.

The second is that you video or record what she does when she gets crazy. This may help your father feel more confident about going to a counselor.
 
Pax2u said:
Wow, what an unfortunate and sad situation. I feel so badly for you.

What you describe in your mother is not something due to her age…sounds like she’s always been this way. Unfortunately you cannot "save"either her or your Dad.

I can’t advise you what to do…only you can decide that for yourself. If it were me, I think I’d have a private conversation with Dad (who HAS to know what’s been going on between you and Mom for years)…and say something to the effect of…I love you and want a relationship with you. I love my Mom but cannot have a relationship with her other than to pray for her from afar. I have to pull back. If you want one-on-one time with me, I’ll be happy to meet you, etc. But I cannot let my mother do this to me any longer, and I will be staying away from her.
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Her age could be making it worse.

I am so sorry for your situation! It would be a great idea for hospitals to offer classes on topics related to aging. They are always classes offered for new parents, but there is so much that goes on with aging that to be aware of the possibilities could keep up all sane.

Do you talk to your parents’ doctors about those issues? I am guessing you have an arrangement that allows you to discuss their healthcare.
 
Also, your mother does not have to go to the counseling for you and your father to be helped. Your father can go without her.
 
rayne89 said:
Yes I do think I need to look for outside help. .
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Ding, Ding, Ding!! This is the right answer!!! Please get some professional outside help ASAP. Like yesterday.

You are dealing with way too much. And you need to understand that you cannot fix your mom or your dad. It would be best for you to stay far away from your mom for now. No calls, no email, nothing. Just get your head clear. And please get some help for all of you. It doesn’t have to be like this.
 
Yes, it is time to look for outside help. If I were you, I would make an appointment with the hospital social worker and discuss the situation. You can explain to your mother that what you are doing is obviously not helping, and that it is time to call in the pros. If you do this, you will have the knowledge that you have done everything possible to help your mother, and you can step aside.
 
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