It's not "his problem"

[EasterJoy]

If you have someone to stay with, go now. Pack your bags, call movers, arrange for them to be there when he’s at work. Go now. Pray once you get away from him. This is still abuse and your priest knows it. I wish your therapist WOULD push you a little more, it’s not right to continue to counsel someone in abuse and not recommend that they get out.

p.s. Your abuse log sounds like a really good idea, and should make your therapist do this

It will be sad to look it over in a couple of years and see how much you put up with before you got away…

The main thing is that it is only going to get worse. The chances that someone who indulges their antisocial personality is going to make a long-term effort to get better (rather than a short-term effort to get back into good graces) is very very dim.

 

[1inICXC]

Welcome to Catholic Answers! Sorry you are coming for advice in this terrible situation.

I will just answer your last 3 questions. You told us right away that your husband is abusive.

You are not going to convince this man to do anything. He may go to counseling, and he may be charming, funny, and cooperative while in the session with the counselor. Good counselors can see through this act. He will not change his behavior outside of the sessions, because he believes that all the problems are yours. If you would only act like he tells you to, everything would be fine.

Second, you do not have to tell anyone anything you do not wish to. All you have to say is that the situation was very serious and you did not do this on a whim. And do not allow anyone to downplay the seriousness of your situation.

Third, you must decide that you are worth more than being abused, and stick to your guns. He will likely turn on the charm ray again, and may even crank it up a notch, in order to lure you back in. Know what to expect and you won’t think he’s truly changed. Trust me, he hasn’t. Once you drop the separation the abuse will increase. Do NOT make threats you don’t intend to carry out. In fact, it is my advice to get everything ready and leave him without any notice whatsoever, and go somewhere safe where you can think clearly and get your mind straight after all the abuse. It won’t be easy to do this, because this type of abuser knows your likely destinations and will pursue you there.

Talk to your priest, but don’t waste time thinking that this kind of man is going to change. You have seen the kind of change he will make, from charming to dangerous, and that’s all you are going to see. It is always other people who need to change, not him.

I am hopeful that you do not have children yet.

This

If you have someone to stay with, go now. Pack your bags, call movers, arrange for them to be there when he’s at work. Go now. Pray once you get away from him. This is still abuse and your priest knows it. I wish your therapist WOULD push you a little more, it’s not right to continue to counsel someone in abuse and not recommend that they get out.

p.s. Your abuse log sounds like a really good idea, and should make your therapist do this

It will be sad to look it over in a couple of years and see how much you put up with before you got away…

And this.

Horrible, horrible situation, BUT, Praise God there are no children involved!!!

 

[LaFleurDeLis]

Obviously this is not how a healthy marriage is supposed to be. Please speak with your priest and perhaps the parish marriage counselor. If cost is an issue, there might be some free sessions available to you through your parish. I know my parish pays for three full sessions to be used at any time during our marriage.

Prayer is also very important!

I don’t feel like this is something you should mosey about. This situation is serious. Please talk to someone soon and start to get this resolved, whether that is counseling with your husband or beginning the path to an annullment.

Trust in Jesus and what he tells you!

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

Much to my surprise, this morning, my husband agreed to go to a couples’ communication class at the local community center. While I know this is not going to magically solve everything, I’m hopeful this is a step in the right direction.

Ug! Sorry, communications classes will NOT help NPDs or verbal abusers! No way. Communications classes are for normal people with some bad behaviors they are willing to consider correcting. That is quite different from NPDs or verbal abusers.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

You are so blessed no children are involved. That would certainly make this much worse! Of course you need to find this out for yourself, but IMHO this is not a marraige and never will be.

Its a relief to read the posts on this thread and see how many people see the situation for exactly what it is. Not long ago people on most Christian forums will say the OP should try harder, pray, wait for God to act, obey her husband, etc., etc. But people understand more these days, and I am glad for that.

At the end of my long oddessy my priest said, as to waiting for God to act, as I had, that God rarely violates a persons will. NPDs consider themselves fine as they are.

Bill, your problem with your wife sounds especially difficult since it is more commonly the husband that is the NPD. So you do not have a big a support network, and fewer understand what you go through.

 

[Bill_7154]

Bill, your problem with your wife sounds especially difficult since it is more commonly the husband that is the NPD. So you do not have a big a support network, and fewer understand what you go through.

Fortunately I have support at my work. And I have moved back in and my wife is starting to have insight into her behavior, little by little. But the arguments (usually one way, sometimes I get sucked in so to speak and raise my voice back rather than leave the house- but do to having few friends I have nowhere to go when she acts up so I just drive around- plus I feel like 'why should I hav to leave my house (our house) when she starts ranting?

I actually once called the cops on her becuase she used to theaten to call the police on me when there was no cause. Here is an acual factual exampe: We were going to a party at her sisters house. She wanted me to wear slacks, I choose to wear jeans. At the party she kept on at me about the jeans, complaining and complaining so I left and went home. she kept calling, I eventually answered. She said "if you don’t put slacks on and come back ot the party I’m going to call the police on you (the implication being she would make up a lie saying I hit her or something to get me in trouble and use the police as a means to physically bully me by arresting me, domestic violence, whatever.

The 3rd time I saw it coming and called the police myself the moment she mentioned calling the police. She turned down the radio she was blasting to irritate me and sat quietly on the couch rather than ranting. Fortunately when they showed up she told the truth and didn’t make up a lie that I hit her or anything. This stopped the police threats.

But I have since realized I more or less ‘married my mother’ without realizing it as she was very manipulative and verbally abusive to my dad, and he had his hand in the matter as well. Live and learn. I want to work my marriage out, particularly since we have an 11 mo old son. When things were going better we were seeing a fertility dr for 2 years trying to get pregnant. Since that time things got worse and I didn’t think she could get pregant or I woudln’t have had sex with her without knowing where she was at with her cycle. We haven’t had sex in a long time. She’s willing and wants to. To her, discord in the marriage doesn’t matter when it comes to sex. To me I need to feel close and respected and nurtured and feel affection towards me to have sex. So the lack of sex I am sure leads to her frustration and complaining but the way I feel about emotional closeness is important to me.

I’m still not sure how things will turn out. I grew up in a very abusive home and don’t want our child subjected to any yelling by the parents. I’ve made that clear to her and have had to walk from one room to the next with our baby in my arms while she was yelling at me and he was crying and I was pointing to him to indicate what she was doing was making him cry.

I would have left the house but I feared she would call the police and report I stole our son or something so didn’t. In fact I think I mentioned that. In retrospect I should have just put him down and walked out of the house. But I need for my living situation to be peaceful. I have enough personal problemes as it is PTSD from childhood, etc.

I wish for no one to endure what I did as a child or endure currently as an adult. And I have my problems that cause her to be upset, but she doesn’t know how to have a calm conversation, nor does she know how to compromize. It’s very unfortunate. I wish the OP the best in her marriage and pray you find a solution that is best for you and hopefully your husbands eyes can be opened to his behavior. He obviously needs to recognize his behavior as a problem or will not be able to change it. I wish I had words of wisdom to share with you. I do feel for you.

God Bless,
Bill

 

[PartoftheBody]

Bill, you will be in my prayers.

 

[maltmom]

Bill, you will be in my prayers.

Both of you are in my prayers.

 

[PartoftheBody]

By the grace of God,I think we may be starting to make some progress.

As I was talking to my therapist about the trial separation, she asked me if I had talked to him about it. I had not, because I was scared of what might happen if I did. We talked about safe ways to do it. I finally built up the courage to tell him that we needed counseling because I didn’t want to have to leave him.

At first, he took this as a threat, but I was able to explain to him that I don’t know what else to do. He said he’d think about it. He did go back to his “nice mode” after that, but I am no longer naive enough to think that the abusive behavior was gone for good.
After several days of him “thinking about it,” I decided to contact a marriage counselor. I set up an appointment when I knew he’d be available, and told him I was going whether he came or not. He just said, “Okay” and didn’t say either way if he was coming or not.

He did come, although he was a little late. At the session he mentioned he had a bad experience with therapy as a child (which he never mentioned to me before), so that was why he was reluctant to do couple’s therapy. He participated, though, and I think we may have made some progress. He’s not excited about going back, but said if I made another appointment he might show up.

I know we have a long road ahead, but I think we’re on the right track. Thanks for your prayers!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

By the grace of God,I think we may be starting to make some progress.

As I was talking to my therapist about the trial separation, she asked me if I had talked to him about it. I had not, because I was scared of what might happen if I did. We talked about safe ways to do it. I finally built up the courage to tell him that we needed counseling because I didn’t want to have to leave him.

At first, he took this as a threat, but I was able to explain to him that I don’t know what else to do. He said he’d think about it. He did go back to his “nice mode” after that, but I am no longer naive enough to think that the abusive behavior was gone for good.
After several days of him “thinking about it,” I decided to contact a marriage counselor. I set up an appointment when I knew he’d be available, and told him I was going whether he came or not. He just said, “Okay” and didn’t say either way if he was coming or not.

He did come, although he was a little late. At the session he mentioned he had a bad experience with therapy as a child (which he never mentioned to me before), so that was why he was reluctant to do couple’s therapy. He participated, though, and I think we may have made some progress. He’s not excited about going back, but said if I made another appointment he might show up.

I know we have a long road ahead, but I think we’re on the right track. Thanks for your prayers!

This is good news! Glad to hear it. You set a boundary, told him that you are going to see the counselor whether he came or not. He may have just come to make sure you didn’t talk about him without him being there, but whatever works.

One step at a time.