All of these responses, Thanks so much.
If I’m not mistaken, there is a troublesome argument going on about my situation,
I’d like to address some questions to clarify things,
1.) am I getting medical diagnosis?
-I am, and for 2 weeks I’ve done all the prescriptions and forced myself to eat and go to a dentist, twice.
2.) are they abusive?
-in some cases, yeah, they can be very controlling, specially at times when they know that they are telling the truths or facts of any matter, they are easily, as in EASILY angered, for my grandma says she was “supposedly” mistreated when she was a child, and she’s very, very insecure about it, and my auntie always fights with my grandma because my aunt can’t simply ignore the tedious things my grandma says, which are said over and over again, everyday, it gets very frustrating, to the bone around here, other people have seen it, have experienced it, and are really sorry for us about our situation here.
3.) how did I hit them?
-at first I just destroyed a chair, for them to not speak for a while, it is again really really wrong to go and destroy stuff just because I’m mad, and I have no excuse for it, in my point of view, the lashing out happened because my aunt hasn’t stopped from shouting ever since I came, I was researching about what caused these mouth sores, and then my aunt told me to just eat, and I asked her: “have you had these kind of illness before, do you even know how much pain it causes me, it hurts like crazy, I just don’t want to agrevate it more” (In tagalog of course), and then my aunt said in a loud voice: “am I forcing you to eat something that will aggrevate them?, I just tell you to eat…” and so on, at this moment, my eyes blackened, I didn’t know what to do, they keep asking me questions, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to answer properly, (one time, when I just came home, I forced myself to talk just for them to not worry about me too much, but they just asked me to repeat myself because I cannot pronounce the words properly), I just hit the table and then threw the bag to her feet, my anger thought that it was the way to go just to let her stop, but she kept on going, yelling about how disrespectful I am, how arrogant I was for trying to make her stop by force, and she yelled and yelled, I felt like I should’ve just left, but no, with my anger, I destroyed the chair, my anger thought it was another way to make them stop, then my grandma came, and yelled at me as well about how I’m disrespecting people and how It’s lenten season or something like that, then it happened, while my grandma was protecting my aunt, who is in my grandma’s back, I tried to hit my aunt with my anger, It wasn’t like trying to kill her or anything, it was on the shoulder, and I kind of missed because of my grandma, my eyes cleared up when my aunt’s husband tried to hit me, three times, holding my hand and everything, he did, in the right side of my head, it has an abscess now, serves me right huh?, then I walked out the door, stayed out of sight for about 2-3 hours, in my luck, the holy catholic church is just in front of me, and I prayed crying, and asking forgiveness, but I felt like He’s dissapointed for having to create me, I felt so miserable, then I saw 2 people lying 9-10 feet away from me, and I thought to myself, “if my life is hard, think about them”, then the crying stopped, after about 2-3 hours of just praying and trying to endure the hunger, the mouth sore pain, the stench of me not having to bathe still, the pain caused by that much shame, the pain of feeling like being really taken away from Christ and his mercy, the cold weather, the tiredness from the adrenaline rush, the frustration that none of them even tried to contact or look for me, the fear of it happening again, the guilt of being not in control of myself, the fear that that incident would spread and everyone would hate me, or will be so weary of me that they wouldn’t want anything from me, the fatigue because I tried to help my schoolmates finish their project the whole night without, really, anything in return, and they didn’t even say thank you for it, the fear of not being worthy of having a wife one day because of what I did, I felt more pain in just 2-3 hours of sitting outside, than just the pain of 3 months with severe mouth sores that I don’t really know the cause of it. This is not exaggerated at any way, I feel like this was put mildly actually, I still feel these pains as of today, but like what another poster said: “forgiveness starts from Him”, so I’ll go to confession and have a talk with the priest this afternoon, thanks for all the prayers.
Continued in the next post…
