jealousy

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milletsmo

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Hi

Earlier today I found out a girl I know from school has got engaged. While I am happy for her I am also finding myself sad and jealous. (I recently had my heart broken). The jealousy is making me feel sad and guilty as I know it is wrong to be jealous and seeing as I am already sad from heartache it is all getting too much.
I keep thinking about how I am trying my best to be a good Catholic and I am so unhappy and then I look at people I know who don’t believe in any kind of religion and are really happy. These people are obviously no more of sinners than me, because I know that we all sin and God treats sin the same but I can’t help feeling this way.
I know in the end I will be better off for following our faith than those who don’t but as I’m sure you’re aware it doesn’t really help now. The only time I can ever see myself feeling better is when I’m dead. (This isn’t me saying I’m suicidal btw, because I’m not, I just can’t see when it will get better yet).
I am praying and trying my best to put my trust in God and His will for me. I am trying to block out sinful thoughts of jealous from the devil, as I know it is he who is sending them to me but I can’t help it. I just keep feeling guilty for being jealous. I’m jealous of people I’ve never even met if I see a couple walking hand and hand in the street etc. I can’t help but question why they are allowed to be happy together and I am not.

I know God has a plan, and I know I may get back with my ex or I may find somebody new depending on God’s plan, but I want to know how I can stop feeling so sad and jealous?
Any advice would be great! I feel really guilty for feeling this way and it’s just a big circle because the more down I feel about things the more jealous I begin to feel. (I’m not feeling too bad at the moment to be honest, but I have been up and down and I’d just like to ask incase it comes back badly again)

Thank you and God bless.
 
Give it time. Slowly find ways to distract yourself from the memory of the painful experience and find joy in other things in life. I was raised in an abusive home and to this day I catch myself feeling a tinge of jealousy whenever I hear someone talk about being close with their parents. You can’t just snap your fingers and make an emotion go away, it doesn’t work like that.
 
First of all, what you feel is envy. Sorrow at another’s good. It’s one of the deadly sins because it completely chokes out the life of grace in a soul. It makes you blind to your own gifts and God’s goodness and love He gives to you. It makes you ungrateful for what you have, because you’re comparing it to someone else’s good. It weakens your faith because you see people you consider less than you having more and it makes you think “What’s the use?” They say Lucifer was given a vision of God becoming Man in the person of Christ someday and he couldn’t handle the idea that man would be glorified over himself. So he told God “I will not serve.”

But it is hard to watch the world seemingly go through life having a great time. There you are following the rules and life is lonely and it is painful.

Several things. First, when you see that couple holding hands… as a friend once told me “Maybe he screams obscenities at her when they’re alone.” Or that married couple… they look happy. Maybe he’s having an affair with his secretary. Or the wife has an online crush with someone else and is planning to leave him. You can’t tell from outward appearances.

I know I may have appeared to have the perfect family to outsiders. Cute children, husband, house, picket fence (literally.) And I smiled in public and put up a facade. Inside it was horrible.

No one who knew the truth would envy me.

Even if they are having a great time and leading sinful lives… a wonderful priest once gave a sermon on that. He used the wheat and the cornflower parable from Christ. He said there are many people out there like cornflowers who seem to prosper. But at the harvest, they will be scooped up and burned. Right now they enjoy the sunshine and rain. But maybe that is God, in His infinite justice, rewarding them here and now for the little good they have done. And you see people suffering horribly but they are good people. Why? Because God is infinitely just and maybe he is giving them a chance to get rid of their purgatory here and now and they will have their eternal reward when they die.

Meanwhile, when you see people who are “lucky” just say a prayer for them that their inward life would match the outward appearance. It’s hard to feel bitter toward someone when you are praying for them.

You don’t know how your friend’s life and marriage will end. If you could see down through time and see her with the pain of infertility, or a sick child or a husband who abandons her, would you feel bad for resenting her happiness now.

Be happy for people. You will attract happy people that way.
 
milletsmo said:
Hi

Earlier today I found out a girl I know from school has got engaged. While I am happy for her I am also finding myself sad and jealous. (I recently had my heart broken). The jealousy is making me feel sad and guilty as I know it is wrong to be jealous and seeing as I am already sad from heartache it is all getting too much.
I keep thinking about how I am trying my best to be a good Catholic and I am so unhappy and then I look at people I know who don’t believe in any kind of religion and are really happy. These people are obviously no more of sinners than me, because I know that we all sin and God treats sin the same but I can’t help feeling this way.
I know in the end I will be better off for following our faith than those who don’t but as I’m sure you’re aware it doesn’t really help now. The only time I can ever see myself feeling better is when I’m dead. (This isn’t me saying I’m suicidal btw, because I’m not, I just can’t see when it will get better yet).
I am praying and trying my best to put my trust in God and His will for me. I am trying to block out sinful thoughts of jealous from the devil, as I know it is he who is sending them to me but I can’t help it. I just keep feeling guilty for being jealous. I’m jealous of people I’ve never even met if I see a couple walking hand and hand in the street etc. I can’t help but question why they are allowed to be happy together and I am not.

I know God has a plan, and I know I may get back with my ex or I may find somebody new depending on God’s plan, but I want to know how I can stop feeling so sad and jealous?
Any advice would be great! I feel really guilty for feeling this way and it’s just a big circle because the more down I feel about things the more jealous I begin to feel. (I’m not feeling too bad at the moment to be honest, but I have been up and down and I’d just like to ask incase it comes back badly again)

Thank you and God bless.
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Don’t feel guilty for feelings you cannot control.

I am confused though, you feel envious of couples, but how does that connect to them not being Catholic? Are you single because you are Catholic? How so?
 
Thank you. I still feel bad because I know its wrong to judge others regarding their happiness and I know their lives could seem perfect on the outside but in private could be awful. However with certain people I just don’t believe that.
I’m not single because I’m Catholic, I just mean I feel like even though I am trying to be a good person and follow God’s teachings I am being punished and people who are immoral and unfaithful etc are having a happy life. Again I know this is wrong to judge and that I could get to heaven quicker due to this suffering etc but I really can’t help to feel this way sometimes 😦
Also I feel like I’ve already faced a lot of suffering in my life (I know everyone has) and I just feel it isn’t fair. This is by far the worst and I feel like I’d be able to endure anything with him by my side.
 
You don’t really how happy are people who live immoral lives. Can one be happy while doing that? I don’t think so. Besides, I sometimes think there’s the question of how much one can take without losing faith or turning evil (if one’s a good non-believer). The Saints aren’t normally known for having an easy life… happy, maybe, though not all, possibly not the majority of them. If what happens is by God’s design, then it’s already the best there could be (by definition) and if it’s a result of human actions, then God knows what the tabs are, but His love is so much better than keeping the tabs anyway, so in the end it’s all going to be good. This world or that one.
 
I think that it is pretty important to love God and follow your faith not because of what you hope to gain from it, but simply because it is the way you want to live.

A couple of days ago I was with a small group that went on a tour of a huge 165 acre hot house tomato farm. The owner gave us the tour. It was one of the most amazing couple of hours I had ever had. The owner had quit school at 15 to work the family business of growing tomatoes and had applied himself earnestly to the task. He researched every detail and every step of the way did what was the RIGHT thing to do. He has a company that is not only successful, but is completely green and carbon neutral, totally respecting the environment. The end result is that he has a company that can grow tomatoes in a very consistent way, where the result are almost completely predictable day to day and year to year. He has no boom or bust cycles and can not only make a lot of money for himself, but he can offer a very stable lifestyle for his many employees. He said that he believes in recognizing each employees innate skills and abilities and encouraging them in the direction that they are best suited. He said if he were to fire someone, it would likely not be a bad reflection on them, but on him for not having them do the job that they are best suited towards.

You might wonder why I have gone so horribly off topic…

He went on to say that he gets it right where a lot of people get it wrong. The tomatoes come first and making money comes second. He said that his competitors have put the money first and have made huge mistakes along the way as a result. He mentioned one person he knew who lined everything up to make a company that appeared very profitable and went on to sell it for a huge price. He and his wife moved to Scotland, bought a castle, drive a Bentley, all the trappings of what appear to be a very good life. Only the company they sold is now in bankruptcy and many lives are ruined. He wonders how it must feel to live with such opulence knowing that the company you founded and should be nurturing has been ruined. I wonder what the point of the lavish lifestyle is and why some would equate such things with success or even happiness.

For some reason your situation reminded me of that story. Living right should come first, and happiness will follow. Earthly pleasures are fleeting and are not what we should build a life on. Pleasure doesn’t necessarily bring happiness, and I kind of doubt that you can live a life with real happiness built on sin.

Wish others well and don’t be bothered. Trust God that what he wants for you is infinitely better than what you could dream up yourself.
 
Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. And all good things will be added unto you.
 
milletsmo said:
even though I am trying to be a good person and follow God’s teachings I am being punished and people who are immoral and unfaithful etc are having a happy life.
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Again and again, the Scriptures portray people bringing this all-too-universal human experience before God. The Psalmists throw it in His face, again and again, without mincing words. I wonder how many people my age (middle age) know Psalm 73 by heart, from having had to cover this territory over and over, in life and in prayer.
Join the crowd. And don’t think those exempt who seem to have it all, or to have their act together at the present time. You’d be surprised how clearly those same people see their failures, and the ways in which life has failed them.
 
I can’t really add a lot to the above. All great posts btw. Only I would add that what you are feeling is very natural and unfortunately, plagues all of us, but for different reasons. I have the same thoughts at times. Why does this guy seem so successful, but yet, isn’t a believer in our Lord? Why do some people seem to have their lives together in so many ways? Why am I not talented where I want to be? Then I feel guilty for feeling envy or jealousy.

Don’t beat yourself up. Be thankful for all of the talents and good things you do have. Most of all, be thankful for the gift of Faith. I really believe you will find someone and God will give you that happiness when the time is right. 🙂
 
There’s a correction to be made here, a BIG distinction between jealousy and envy. They are not synonymous.

Jealousy is an immediate feeling/reaction. Envy is the wishing harm/sadness/etc for the person you are jealous of. 2 very distinct things.

Jealousy as a reaction comes less and less when one grows in maturity in faith, emotions, and perfection of interior life. Recognizing it as a temptation and working on it is a good thing. (Same as temptation to lust, etc). Let’s remember that God is a jealous God. Wishing something for yourself, especially a good, may be the result of your inner desire and longings. The fact that another person is achieving it first reminds one of it doesn’t necessarily make it bad.

Envy is the sinful action/thought. This is a result of stewing over jealousy and/or self pity.
 
milletsmo said:
I’m not single because I’m Catholic, I just mean I feel like even though I am trying to be a good person and follow God’s teachings I am being punished and people who are immoral and unfaithful etc are having a happy life. Again I know this is wrong to judge and that I could get to heaven quicker due to this suffering etc but I really can’t help to feel this way sometimes 😦
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In the parable of the prodigal son, the older brother felt the same way, and when he expressed that to his father, the father did not condemn him for feeling like that; rather, he acknowledged it and said “Everything I have is yours”.

So don’t beat yourself up over what may be a legitimate gripe.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. And all good things will be added unto you.
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That is, of course, until one actually lays claim to one of those “good things”; then, watch to see the reaction of one’s fellow Catholics to see who backs you up and who stabs you in the back and reneges on the promises God made by criticizing one for laying claim in the first place (one can find examples right here on CAF).
 
Are you saying we have any claim against God or God somehow owes to us things we want?
 
From Matthew 6:

31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I’ll ask you again what it is that you are trying to claim? What is it that you feel you are owed that is denied to you? Do you not have food to eat, water to drink, clothes to wear?

You might also want to look at Luke 17 for more insight on the Kingdom of Heaven:

20Once, having been asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, Jesus replied, “The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, 21nor will people say, ‘Here it is,’ or ‘There it is,’ because the kingdom of God is within** you.”
22Then he said to his disciples, "The time is coming when you will long to see one of the days of the Son of Man, but you will not see it. 23Men will tell you, ‘There he is!’ or ‘Here he is!’ Do not go running off after them. 24For the Son of Man in his day[c] will be like the lightning, which flashes and lights up the sky from one end to the other. 25But first he must suffer many things and be rejected by this generation.

26"Just as it was in the days of Noah, so also will it be in the days of the Son of Man. 27People were eating, drinking, marrying and being given in marriage up to the day Noah entered the ark. Then the flood came and destroyed them all.**
 
dulcissima said:
I’ll ask you again what it is that you are trying to claim? What is it that you feel you are owed that is denied to you? Do you not have food to eat, water to drink, clothes to wear?
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Reread what the OP posted.
chevalier said:
Stress on “seek ye first” or “will be added”?
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Both.

But the point I am getting at is not how God reacts, but how WE react. And how we react says something about our Catholicism. How do we treat those who have a legitimate beef? What example does the Bible give? Did the father give the older brother grief when he stated that he never got the kid goat? In Acts 6, did the apostles give the Greek-speaking widows grief over their complaint of neglect? If they didn’t, then why do we give others grief?

All I am saying is that we should not give grief to people who have legitimate beefs, which is a common theme running through CAF, so that the OP does not beat himself up over what might be a legitimate beef.

Does that make more sense?
 
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